Kindness in the Time of Corona

The other day I got bolder going out into the world and went to my dentist to fix a cracked tooth. My dentist and I reconnected with small talk. Then I said,

“Between the worldwide Corona Virus and protests over the inequities to Black people, we’re living during a time of great change.”

“Oh, people may be kinder now,” my dentist responded. “But it won’t last. Look at how short-lived the caring and kindness was after 9/11.”

I thought, I don’t see it that way. Why do I see all the goodness possible, yet my dentist doesn’t? How can I help others embrace this opportunity to be the change they want to see?

Be the Change You Want to See in the World

When I first heard those words years ago they were life-changing. Gandhi’s message to me was change begins with me. If I want to experience more kindness, be kind. If I seek a peaceful life, find peace within. If I believe in justice and care for all people, support my values in my actions. Lofty important goals, I’m sure you’ll agree, but how do we actually live them when everyday life sneakily distracts us from our intentions? Here’s one way.

A Changed Life, A Better World, Begins with a Choice and a Commitment

A couple of years ago, in my husband Gus’s Greek mountain village, I met a wise, very spiritual woman, who reignited Gandhi’s message in my heart and mind. Despina (who was the same age as me) and I would meet to silently walk together at 6:30 AM to greet the awe-inspiring sunrise over Sparta. On the way back, we’d chat and she’d share equally awe-inspiring thoughts. Here are some that stuck with me:

“All of us live in the world we have inside us. Whatever our inner feelings and thoughts—joy, anger, resentment, jealously, compassion, hate, empathy, love—we spread what’s inside us in the world. If we want to change the world, we must take responsibility for our inner world and our influence on the outer world.”

Despina’s words reverberate in my mind. Here’s two actions I take to make them my reality.

Become the Observer of Your Thoughts

One part of being the change you want to see in the world, is becoming aware of our thoughts and feelings. We think about 60,000 thoughts a day! Many luckily, are inconsequential to our impact on others. But our thoughts that are negative, critical, or negatively impact our emotions are the ones to attend to.

The deeper work here is to ask ourselves: What’s that about? Why am I feeling this way?  You might journal, talk with a trusted close person, or have an inner dialogue with yourself to gain insight as to what to do with the negativity you’re feeling. The important take away here is, your feelings and thoughts are up to you to work through. For the sake of your inner peace and the energy you spread in the world, become the observer of your thoughts.  

Choose Kindness

Possibly the simplest way to commit to being a positive influence in the world is to recognize your common humanity with all people and be kind. Here’s a number of ways I spread good energy through kindness, and you can, too:

1.  Offer words of praise and encouragement freely and generously. A kind word makes someone’s day. Read my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, for lots of inspiration on how to find the words and make the most of your time with others.

2.  Driving on the road, be patient and let others in your lane.

3.  When out walking, even wearing a mask, smile with your eyes and wave to fellow walkers to affirm your connection.

4.  Make it a habit to reach out to at least three people a day through a call, a text, or an email to let them know you’re thinking of them and you care.

5.  Listen and actually take an interest in someone. Be curious about them.

6.  Give, give, give. Give away clothing and things to others, cook for someone ill, give your time to help with a project, the options are endless.

7.  Send good energy in the world daily. Imagine health to all you know who are ill. Imagine blessings to those seeking love. Imagine peace and healing of relationships, of countries, of political parties, of the environment. Everything is energy and your good thoughts do make a difference!

Why not commit to make your inner world and your influence on the outer world as positive as it can be!

(If you liked this please hit the share button below and share on your social media! Thanks much!)

3 Rituals for Connecting in Covid-19 Times

What are you missing during Covid-19? One sad loss we’ve all seen highlighted on the nightly news is graduation ceremonies. High school and college seniors who looked forward to celebrating this major milestone with their classmates and family, will not get to do so.

“Rituals matter in our society,” says Chancellor Rebecca Blank of the University of Wisconsin, Madison.  “When you get to the end of one part of life and go to another that needs to be marked.” Yes it does.

Chancellor Blank got me thinking about how important rituals are. Rituals enable us to share major life transitions to receive emotional support from our loved ones and community. Sadly these most important life events like weddings, bar mitzvahs, baby showers, and even funerals have been put on hold.

Creating Rituals for the Times

Amidst this time of great loss, something inspiring and amazing is showing up: the creativity of the human spirit to find new ways to celebrate and connect. Nothing shows this better than the care and creativity of administrators, teachers and parents finding joyous way to make their children’s graduation memorable. Here’re some that stick out to me:

• A Brooklyn principal lined the school fence with posters of the seniors portraits

• Graduate parades of cars strung with streamers and gold 2020 balloons

• Students cruise the Indianapolis Raceway track to pick up their diploma

• And my favorite – The father of Gabrielle Pierce of Louisiana graduated his daughter from Xavier University, on a stage in full regalia in their driveway to the hoots and cheers of family and neighbors 6 feet apart in the street!

I look forward to these displays on the nightly news. They make me smile and laugh and bring tears to my eyes. What doesn’t go as expected makes even better memories!

Making Meaning

In Finding Meaning, David Kessler, grief expert and former collaborator with Elizabeth Kubler Ross, has written an amazing book that is helping me reflect on how we can make the best of our life circumstances during Covid-19. The focus of his book is how to go on living a life of meaning, purpose and someday even happiness, after the loss of a loved one. On a global scale, we are all coping with the loss of life as we know it. David says,

“Our worst moments can be the seeds of our best moments. They have an amazing power to transform us… Loss is simply what happens in life. Meaning is what you make happen.”

And that is just what we see happening with the alternative celebrations of our graduates.

Rituals for major life events as well as daily rituals anchor our connection with ourselves and others. Rituals are important to us individually, as couples, with our families, our friends, and with our larger community. They give us feelings of comfort and stability, reinforce who we are and who we are with each other. Rituals are literally the stuff that structures our life and helps us make it meaningful and fulfilling.

Living during Covid-19 times is an opportunity to continue those rituals that are still possible and create new ones that keep the love and connection flowing.

Meaningful Rituals

1.  With Ourselves: Centering rituals that help us to feel connected to ourselves are an anchor at all times, but especially now. Even five minutes daily with one or more of the rituals I am suggesting can support your inner connection. I speak from experience, having felt unmoored for many years before adopting these.

• Meditation – has benefits that include improved focus and less stress. I recommend using a meditation app such as the one I use, Insight Timer. It offers guided meditations, soothing music, chat groups, a timer, and rewards to motivate your practice. It connects me to myself and meditators around the world. Beginning or ending your day with meditation is centering.

• Gratitude –helps us to develop a positive mindset. I began my practice by expressing daily gratitude for at least five things at bedtime. I now also express gratitude throughout my day for each blessing I experience. Things like receiving a loving text, a sunny warm day with a cool breeze, or my husband’s kind words for my cooking. Bookending your day with a gratitude ritual can change your life. It has mine.

• Walks in Nature – tunes us into the life force and beauty of the world surrounding us. Walking with others is a major pastime now, but a walk by yourself can help you feel connected to the environment and a greater spiritual reality beyond the four walls of your home. One friend has created a ritual of walking every afternoon with her 88-year-old neighbor. They explore different neighborhoods and have had the joy of getting to know each other better.

2.      With Others: Strange times call for new rituals for feeling connected with the people who matter to us.

• Zoom – of course, is the new way of connecting during corona virus times. Many of us are zooming to connect with individuals, groups, and to continue celebrating the important events in our lives.

  I usually have Passover at my house. This year my family zoomed an abridged Passover Seder and then 35 of us chatted. I felt uplifted for a week. Another friend had a zoom party for her husband’s birthday. I have a zoom ritual to chat with a dear friend weekly. Other friends zoom mahjong. The possibilities are endless.

• New Rituals With Those You Live With – Before Covid-19, my husband and I used to make plans like dinners out, entertainment, and vacations. Creating small rituals with those we live with can give us something to look forward to.

  I find my time with my husband all the more precious now. We’re doing small things together that we might have done on a vacation like reflecting, chatting, and enjoying the moment. We had happy hour each evening for the first month and half to take the edge off lockdown. Now, before dinner, we go for a walk and after dinner, work on a puzzle together. Watching TV series’ are our entertainment. On weekends we’ve begun walking or bike riding in lovely outdoor places we used to enjoy. Places that were commonplace before now feel thrilling to revisit. Our favorite ritual is when our son and his girlfriend come for weekly outdoor barbecues—six feet apart, of course!

  Other creative rituals I’ve seen: An Albany couple takes a daily walk including a photo of their shoes in different positions and something of beauty in nature. A group of seventeen year-olds from Irvington, NY, meet in a parking lot each night, roll down their windows, and sing and chat to the same radio station.

3.  With Our Larger World Community: I am heartened every time I get to see how people are coming together in unity to support others and have a little fun. It reinforces my sense of connection with all of humanity. The nightly Italian balcony singers and musicians inspired others all over the world to join together in a spirit of unity and creativity sharing their talents.

 I try to watch on the news at least one thing positive going on in our country and the world. There is so much generosity of spirit in the face of these fearful isolating times. Here are a few examples:

• Captain Tom Moore – the 99-year-old British war veteran who walked back and forth bent over his walker, to support Britain’s health care system and all those in need. His hope was to raise $1200. He actually raised a whopping $44 million thanks to the outpouring of support from the larger community.

• The Masked Warriors, with more than 1400 members sewing thousands of masks for hospitals in need. 

• Concerts streamed from performers homes like The Academy of Country Music, Broadway Disney Sings, and One World Together at Home to entertain us and raise money for hospital supplies and food for the hungry.

• Donating to WHO and local food pantries is my small contribution to our larger community in need.

Why not create some meaningful rituals of your own to feel connected to yourself, your loved ones, and the world? I’d love to hear about them.

An Unexpected Covid -19 Gift – Savoring

Yesterday was sunny with a cool breeze, so I seized the opportunity to venture out of my house. As I strolled down my sidewalk, I swooned at the neon green color of my lawn. Rain-drenched spring grass is so vibrant! I thrilled seeing the trees I passed with their infant leaves. Gently raising the end of branches, I marveled at the intricate patterns of leaves, petals and seeds.

“How beautiful you all are! Bless you for continuing your normal flow of life, when nothing is normal for us humans.”

Being cooped up at home, I was appreciating nature more deeply than usual.

The Why

So much is missing from our lives now. We can’t travel, go out to eat, go to venues for entertainment, and worst of all for me, can’t visit with loved ones and friends. Our sphere of activity has shrunk to the confines of our homes and neighborhood. At times, the uncertainty of when the world will be safe to move freely in again, feels like a nightmare I’m fighting to wake up from.

“ Knowing how to cope with negative events and savor positive ones are two sides of the coin of life experiences. Both are essential for living a happy life.”

— Jan Stanley

Focus on All That’s Still Good

So I refocus on what I do have, what I still have. I savor, or focus in on the small everyday good things I am still blessed with. I notice something precious, pause to thoroughly enjoy the pleasure of it, and appreciate in words the joy it’s bringing me.

Here’s an example. I usually put my hands together in thanks for the food I eat, but now, I savor so much beyond the food itself. My go to breakfast these days are smoothies. Before I take my first sip, I thank the sun, the rain and the soil for nurturing the spinach, berries, almonds, ginger, apples, and greens in my protein powder. I thank every person involved in the process of making it possible for these foods to be available to me (with a shout out to my son Theo, who now picks up groceries for his over-age-60 mom). I’m grateful for my trusty Oster blender that liquefies all these wonderful fruits and veggies. And I thank God for it all.

Then I use my senses to fully experience the pleasure of my smoothie. I delight in the its beautiful olive green color, its rich creamy texture, and its cold gingery taste.

A Fresh Perspective on Normal Life

Every life experience, positive or negative, is an opportunity to grow and embrace the challenge before us. In our busy, active lives, we often overlook the fundamental gifts we’re blessed with. Now with our sphere of life so condensed, those gifts are front and center:

A roof over our heads, a bed to sleep in, food to eat, running water, a hot shower and soap to bathe; our health; being able to move, breathe, speak; good books to read, wonderful entertainment to stream, music to lift and soothe our spirit; flowers blooming, the sun rising and setting, the stars in the night sky; loved ones blessedly safe and healthy who we can zoom or FaceTime to share laughter, fears, and our hearts with.  

Savoring our everyday blessings can help us through the greatest challenge of our lifetime. Covid 19 right now seems interminable. We have no idea how long it will be until we can again move freely in the world or embrace our loved ones who live apart from us. I know I am counting the days when I can hug my son, Theo and my sister, Lois. I have a feeling they’ll have to pry me away. For now, appreciating all we do have, is the best way I know to face this challenge.

My vision is that when there is a vaccine, and life resumes, we will be better people for this challenge. We will appreciate the fundamental blessings of our lives (health, home, loved ones, nature) be more generous of spirit, and conserve our precious resources.

Your Takeaways

• Savor all the fundamentals you do have that bring you comfort and pleasure.

• Appreciate sensory details of sight, sound, smell, taste and feelings

• Reach out daily to loved ones to savor your connections.

• Develop the habit of opening your heart to the goodness you’re blessed with.

Why not today, be like George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life, and wake up to appreciate the simple joys ever present in your life!

What are you savoring these days? I’d love to hear from you.

---

For practical tips on deepening your relationships, check out my award-winning book: