Radiate Positivity: Your Influence is Greater than You Realize

Two months ago my baby cousin, Debbie died. I say baby because I am the oldest in our family and she was eleven years younger than me. She died under two months of turning 60 from a nasty cancer, multiple myeloma. I wanted to honor her life in some way because she was my angel cousin and fought with every fiber of her being to win her battle against cancer. Despite fear, worry and pain she kept showing up with the best attitude she could summon. And then it hit me! Amidst her struggles she sent me uplifting gifs (messages on pretty backgrounds) for me to share to inspire others. When I looked back on our texts, I discovered she sent me 68 inspirational quotes from 2020 to 2022! To honor Debbie, I decided to post one a day on Facebook for 68 days. Day 17 struck me as a message to explore. On a background looking like sun rays it read: RADIATE POSITIVITY.  

I asked myself what is the underlying importance of radiating positivity? The underpinnings of it are the strongest motivating force in my life. Something we don’t usually give thought to.

You Influence Far More than You May Fathom

Maybe it was growing up in an extended family where words could wound or make you glow. Maybe it was appreciating and striving to be like the positive role models in my life. And maybe it was being a teacher and mother and seeing the evidence right in front of my eyes. How my recognition of children’s strengths helped them move through their lives more confidently. I realized my thoughts, words and actions had impact.

Each of us have impact, whether we realize it or not. As poet Mary Oliver says in her inspiring line, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” Choice. It’s such a big thing. As a growing developing person, we each choose personal aspirations. Dreams and goals we wish to actualize. But there’s more. We are part of communities. Communities that start with our family. Our neighbors. Our friends. Our co-workers. Strangers. How do we want to use our one wild and precious life as a person who influences everyone we come in contact with?

Radiate Positivity

My cousin Debbie would say, “Radiate Positivity.” Such a simple thing that we are in great need of right now in our country and world. We can be a source of uplift wherever we are with a smile. When I do my morning walks and I see someone across the street I make eye contact and smile. I feel gratified when I see my smile spread to their face as well. A simple thing like a smile makes us feel connected and less alone. It radiates positivity.

Taking the opportunity to uplift a step further, our words have such an impact on others. My husband, Gus is taking an art class pursuing a hobby he’s long been interested in. He brings home a canvas of a lake scene in lovely blues, and yellows and greens. I comment on how his trees are reflected so well in the water. How the shading of the grasses gives dimensionality. He beams. I speak my words to encourage and flame his passion. Our dear friends Ira and Diane are moving across the country. When we have a going away dinner for them, in a toast I affirm them as a couple and as individuals to let them know how much they are valued. Everyone else chimes in and the good feelings are palpable in the laughter and smiles. Expressed feelings radiates positivity.

How much better our world would be if we each recognized the gift of our humanity to be a positive influence in the world. I will tell you each time I make someone’s day with an affirming word, a smile, letting someone in my traffic lane, lending a caring listening ear, I feel happier and more worthwhile.

It’s never too late to be a positive influence. It’s a choice we get to make in every present moment we’re in the company of others. So I say choose to radiate positivity! Our world needs it now desperately!

Your Takeaways

1.     Every morning and every interaction is an opportunity to set an intention to choose to be a positive influence and radiate positivity.

2.     Before you speak or act get into the habit of asking yourself, will this statement add to or take away from the person?

3.     A smile, a positive thought, a kind action spreads positive energy.

4.     Recognizing our positive impact in the world also reminds us our life has value.

5.     To immerse yourself in the mindset of radiating positivity I encourage you to read my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good. I wrote it as my legacy to help others find greater love and joy in their relationships by sharing their positive thoughts and feelings more freely.

With Thanksgiving around the corner, why not choose to use your one wild and precious life to radiate positivity to your loved ones and all!

If you know someone who could benefit from this blog please do share. Together we can radiate positivity!

The Value of Deep Listening: 5 Tips to Hone Your Skills

Recently I attended the funeral of a dear man from my writing group. I knew Bob as someone who was passionate about specific moments in history. His most recent book about the Revolutionary War, would amaze us with the voices of young minutemen recounting battles from their hospital beds. I also experienced Bob as kindhearted, but it was his grandson’s eulogy that was a revelation.

Standing at a podium in his gray suit and studious looking glasses, the young man said, “I have such fond memories of tinkering with my grandfather. Yet the thing about him that changed me the most, was the way he listened to me.”  Honestly, that statement alone took my breath away. I leaned in to listen more closely.

“When I was around 13 my grandfather started asking me what I wanted to do with my life. We’d be sitting outside his tool shed in the yard and he’d ask me questions. Then listen. I mean really listen. With his full attention. Then he’d probe what I was saying further. I felt so heard. I felt so cared for by him. And this wasn’t once, it was time and time again and again. The way my grandfather listened to me bonded us beyond words. And it made me the person I am today.”

Wow, I thought. What a grandfather Bob was, and what a testament to the value of deeply listening.

Why Become Aware of the Gift of Listening

Just like humor that I wrote about last month, listening is something we do as naturally as breathing. We’re human. People speak words to us, our ears hear the words, and our minds interpret them. But there’s something more. It’s also hearing with our hearts that matters. As the story of Bob and his grandson shows, listening fully to the people we care about can actually be life changing.

All of us just want to be heard. When someone listens to us with their full attention, we feel cared for and validated. Who of us doesn’t want that? It makes us feel recognized. It gives us the message that our thoughts matter. That we matter.

As with Bob’s grandson, talking through one’s dreams, concerns, issues, plans and more, helps the speaker gain clarity and direction. And what’s more, its bonding. The people in our life who deeply listen to us without judgment, with an open heart, are the people we trust and want to spend time with. So how do we become that kind of listener?

How to Listen Deeply

1.     Listen to understand, not fix.

Training as a life coach has helped me tremendously to hone my skills as a listener. The very first thing we learned was not to be a “fixer.” What that means is that when other people unload their thoughts and feelings to us about something they’re having difficulty with they don’t want us to give them a solution. Most of us assume when someone shares a problem with us our role is to give them a solution. NO! As one of my clients clearly stated about what she wanted when she was speaking to her husband, “I just want him to listen and show me that he understands what I’m feeling. He is telling me solutions. I don’t want solutions, I want to be heard.”

2.     Empathize, summarize or paraphrase what they said to show you understand.

As my client said, she just really wanted to know her husband understood her feelings. Something like, “I can understand why you’re feeling so stressed out.” Or paraphrasing like, “So you’re saying since your coworker got another job, you’ve been doing double duty and it’s just too much.” We all deal with so much in a day. Having someone hear and understand us is like peeling off a twenty-pound backpack.

3.     Don’t hijack the conversation.

Do you ever tell someone about something going on in your life and then it becomes about them? Instead of listening to you, they spin out a whole story of how something similar happened to them. That’s hijacking the conversation. Stop yourself in your tracks if you see your own hijack bubbling to the surface!

4.     Give your full nonjudgmental attention

This means looking into the other’s eyes or face and returning your focus to them each time it drifts. It’s about listening without interrupting.  Giving your full attention activates your heart and intuition to understand the other person’s feelings, thoughts, and experience. Again, isn’t that what we want from others?

5.     Be curious, ask questions to learn more.

What people really want is to come to their own answers. Each of us have the deep inner knowing of what is true for us and what are our next steps. We just need help accessing it. When we listen to someone trusting that they have their own answers, we will be curious to learn more. By asking questions as Bob did with his grandson, we help the other person uncover their own next steps. Deep listening is empowering for the speaker. And we can gain so much understanding of them and ourselves in the process. Most of what any of us struggle with is universal.

We have opportunities to listen throughout every day. Practice and intention enable us to grow and improve. Why not choose to begin improving with one of these listening skills!

Connect with me! I am available as a speaker and coach. Do you have some issues you’d like greater clarity on so you can take action? I offer a free 1-hour introductory coaching session. Check out my website www.uppcoach.com or email me at gail@uppcoach.com

Thanksgiving Month: A Way to Celebrate the Goodness

There’s no better time than Thanksgiving month to open our hearts and minds to the gift of gratitude. Yes, gratitude is the simple key to celebrate all the good that we just haven’t had eyes to see. It’s even more inviting to explore gratitude when you learn from the Harvard Medical School Bulletin that gratitude is consistently associated with greater happiness, improved health, stronger relationships, and the ability to deal with adversity.

Gratitude is a thankful appreciation for what an individual receives, whether materially or emotionally. When grateful, we recognize the goodness we are receiving comes from outside ourselves. It may be from nature, a higher power, or other people. Each of these sources are essential. But for Thanksgiving month I want to focus on gratitude for other people.

What would our lives be without the people that love and accept us as we are? Their care and support are what sustain us. But how often do we pause to appreciate how much the people in our lives mean to us?

A Personal Story About Appreciating Our People

Recently, I had a big birthday. Frankly the number wowed me! I thought how can I be that old? Reaching this age (aren’t you curious what it is) I wanted to gather all the people I consider my tribe together to celebrate with me. Unfortunately, because of Covid, I limited the party to 30, outdoors on my deck. Acknowledging milestones with words has always been important to me, so for weeks leading up to the party I reflected on the people I invited and how much they meant to me and helped shape my life. 

I call my husband, my sister, and my son—my triumvirate. They are my people who see my strengths and affirm me for them. They make me feel good about being myself and accept my less than stellar traits. They encourage me when I’m reaching for a goal and make me feel loved and appreciated. So, I said exactly that to each of them personally then publicly at my party.

Not everyone is comfortable expressing their appreciation to others. Here’s how I said it to my husband as an example: “Honey, on turning ___, I paused to reflect on my gifts, and you were right there at the top. I’m so grateful for the way you love me and appreciate me just for being me. I feel so supported by your encouragement with my goals. I am blessed with you.”  Any one of the statements I made would be enough.

Reflecting on the goodness my extended family and friends bring to my life, I realize they are each a positive influence and support me in creating a life I love. My cousins are models of family devotion and raising kids well. My friends have inspired me to write my book, travel, enjoy theatre, love outdoor adventures, be a good listener and communicator, be assertive and strong, have a good marriage, and they too make me feel loved and valued. So, at my party, I thanked them all with a grateful heart. Joy abounded.

Appreciation, A Gift to the Giver and the Receiver

Pausing to appreciate the people who most touch our life begins as a gift for ourselves. When I reflected on the goodness my family and friends brought into my life, I felt mightily blessed. How often do we stop and appreciate the difference someone makes in our life? Not very often for most of us. We’re too busy living and managing responsibilities or mulling over grievances in our minds. We’re human.  A grateful pause gets us to stop and savor the good ways others affect us that often go unnoticed and unacknowledged.

When we express our discovered appreciation the gift quadruples. You now get to be the conveyer of a gift more precious than jewelry or some new tech item. Appreciative words say to the receiver, you matter. Your life has value to me. Our words become a gift they can hold within their heart and repeat to themselves when they need a little uplift. But there’s further benefits for you! As you express your appreciation, you re-experience the joy of the goodness they bring and over time continuing to express appreciation makes your relationship warmer and closer. I can vouch for what I’m saying!

My November Tips for You

Appreciate two people to make it doable.

1.     Choose a person you see every day or often and reflect on the goodness they bring into your life. Do they do things that make your life easier? Do they uplift you with their humor or positivity? Do you feel valued by them? Can you count on them? Are they comforting or make you feel secure? Do you have fun with them? Take in the good they bring whatever it is and be bold and tell them. Savor the joy of sharing your appreciation.

2.     Choose another person that you might not see often that has had an important impact on your life. Take in the goodness they’ve brought then call, email, send a card, or visit and share your appreciation.

I’m hoping taking the grateful pause and expressing appreciation feels so good that it becomes a part of your life. There’s so much to be grateful for—this month choose people. Wishing you and your family health and happiness and grateful time together this Thanksgiving.

I want to hear from you! How has appreciating a loved one or a person who’s made a difference in your life touched your heart?

The Affirming Way of Life is a perfect Thanksgiving gift to let someone know how much you appreciate them!