A Valentine Gift for You: A Relationship Tune-up

It’s February, and what better time than now to tune-up our relationships.

Do your eyes gloss over listening to your significant other (or any dear one)?

Do you sometimes think, same old, same old?

Does your relationship feel a little stale or boring?

If you said yes to any of the above, you can make this month the start of a relationship tune-up. And even if you had no resounding yeses, the ideas that follow can add unexpected joy, pleasure and closeness to your love connections.

Preoccupied and Stressed

I hear the garage door open and the sound of Gus’s leather shoes shuffling on our kitchen tile floor. “Uhh. Already?” I’m in the middle of writing this article at my computer desk, in my writing room, and don’t want to stop. “Hi Honey,” I shout out. I continue my writing for at least 15 minutes before I mosey out to begin dinner.

I’m preoccupied.

What message am I giving my husband? What I’m writing is more important than him. (I ask him how it makes him feel when I don’t come out to greet him. He says, “I’m used to it.” Hmmm.)

Gus stretches out to watch TV on the couch in our family room. I’m feeling frustrated that I didn’t write as much as I’d hoped to. I gaze at him and think, “Always watching TV! Can’t he find something else to do?”

My own negative feelings are spilling over to the way I view my husband.

When I sit down to talk with Gus, he’s unresponsive, just staring at the TV. “Honey, is anything wrong?”

“I’m tired. I’m not in the mood to talk now.”

He’s stressed. Unresolved work issues and complications dominate his thoughts. And I did ignore him!  (It took me many years to not take his being uncommunicative personally.)

We get so caught up in our outside world we forget about our inside world – our heart, our connection with our loved ones.

Make Your Loved One a Priority

We all ignore our loved ones at times, and even though our goals, tasks and projects can consume us, here’s a little reminder I ask myself that may help you: What would my life be without my husband? (You can substitute son, daughter, sibling, friend… you get the picture.)

I’ve developed a practice that reminds me how precious my husband is. I thank God for him daily. Gratitude. Sometime in the day, (often as I walk up the stairs), I think of all the good he brings into my life, our son Theo’s, and that of our daughter-in-law Sarah. The same things come to mind, yet new things crop up, too.

I am intentional about valuing my husband, regardless of passing feelings of sameness, or other pressing thoughts.

But of course, what is valuing another without showing and telling them?

Four Tips to Spark the Love in Your Life

1.     Say thank you every day. Take a moment to appreciate whatever your loved one has done for you and let them know in an extended thank you, how much what they’ve done means to you. The littlest thing like ‘takes out the garbage,’ expressed sincerely makes your loved one feel valued. I don’t usually thank Gus for taking out the garbage which he has been doing for 32 years. Today I did, though. “Thanks, honey, for braving the cold to get our garbage out on time. I so appreciate that you do that, and I don’t have to.” Gus gave me a tighter hug this morning before he left for work. I smiled inside.

·       Gus and I both say thank you often. It creates an atmosphere of respect and appreciation that feels good.

2.     Share something you love, admire or appreciate about your loved one daily. It’s about putting good energy into your relationship, intentionally. I’m thinking of our cars. If we didn’t fill them with gas, they’d be stationary and wouldn’t take us anywhere. Affirming our loved ones daily is keeping our relationship tanks full so our relationships keep moving in a satisfying forward direction.

·       When I pause to appreciate my husband (or any loved one) it’s in the small details of life that I find what I love and the words to say it: “I love that you do what you say you’ll do.” “I love the way you appreciate whatever I make you for dinner.” “I love the way you make me feel.” “I love the way you see the best in me even when I don’t.” “I appreciate the way you tolerate my idiosyncrasies and make jokes about them.”

·       One of the gifts of affirming my husband daily, is that he’s more affirming of me, too. The good energy flows back and forth.

3.     Make rituals of connection – carve out time together. During a time in our relationships when Gus and I had drifted apart, we sat down and brainstormed the things we both enjoyed so we could reconnect. Then we began putting those dates on our calendar. The more fun things we did the more the good energy began flowing between us.

·       For us it was traveling, hiking, shows, movies, dinners with friends. How about you?

4.     Start a ritual of hugging at the start and end of your day. A full three breath hug and add a kiss in, too! I didn’t always do this. But since we started it definitely solidifies the care and pleasure of our relationship.

And Especially on Valentine’s Day

Gus says to tell you all, “Make a list (before V Day) of five things you love and appreciate about your sweetheart,” and tell them on Valentine’s Day. Right from my formerly not-an-affirmer husband!

Let this month be the start of intentionally cherishing your loved ones and creating the flowing love you seek!

Gail loves nothing more than speaking to groups about ways to improve their relationships and connections at home or work; how to develop a positive mindset; and how to create a balanced life you love. You can contact her for more information at gail@theaffirmingway.com.

Want individual help to make a transition or create more fulfillment in your life? Contact Gail for coaching at gail@uppcoach.com. And go to her website www.uppcoach.com to learn more and read reviews of her transformational support.

Thanksgiving Month: A Way to Celebrate the Goodness

There’s no better time than Thanksgiving month to open our hearts and minds to the gift of gratitude. Yes, gratitude is the simple key to celebrate all the good that we just haven’t had eyes to see. It’s even more inviting to explore gratitude when you learn from the Harvard Medical School Bulletin that gratitude is consistently associated with greater happiness, improved health, stronger relationships, and the ability to deal with adversity.

Gratitude is a thankful appreciation for what an individual receives, whether materially or emotionally. When grateful, we recognize the goodness we are receiving comes from outside ourselves. It may be from nature, a higher power, or other people. Each of these sources are essential. But for Thanksgiving month I want to focus on gratitude for other people.

What would our lives be without the people that love and accept us as we are? Their care and support are what sustain us. But how often do we pause to appreciate how much the people in our lives mean to us?

A Personal Story About Appreciating Our People

Recently, I had a big birthday. Frankly the number wowed me! I thought how can I be that old? Reaching this age (aren’t you curious what it is) I wanted to gather all the people I consider my tribe together to celebrate with me. Unfortunately, because of Covid, I limited the party to 30, outdoors on my deck. Acknowledging milestones with words has always been important to me, so for weeks leading up to the party I reflected on the people I invited and how much they meant to me and helped shape my life. 

I call my husband, my sister, and my son—my triumvirate. They are my people who see my strengths and affirm me for them. They make me feel good about being myself and accept my less than stellar traits. They encourage me when I’m reaching for a goal and make me feel loved and appreciated. So, I said exactly that to each of them personally then publicly at my party.

Not everyone is comfortable expressing their appreciation to others. Here’s how I said it to my husband as an example: “Honey, on turning ___, I paused to reflect on my gifts, and you were right there at the top. I’m so grateful for the way you love me and appreciate me just for being me. I feel so supported by your encouragement with my goals. I am blessed with you.”  Any one of the statements I made would be enough.

Reflecting on the goodness my extended family and friends bring to my life, I realize they are each a positive influence and support me in creating a life I love. My cousins are models of family devotion and raising kids well. My friends have inspired me to write my book, travel, enjoy theatre, love outdoor adventures, be a good listener and communicator, be assertive and strong, have a good marriage, and they too make me feel loved and valued. So, at my party, I thanked them all with a grateful heart. Joy abounded.

Appreciation, A Gift to the Giver and the Receiver

Pausing to appreciate the people who most touch our life begins as a gift for ourselves. When I reflected on the goodness my family and friends brought into my life, I felt mightily blessed. How often do we stop and appreciate the difference someone makes in our life? Not very often for most of us. We’re too busy living and managing responsibilities or mulling over grievances in our minds. We’re human.  A grateful pause gets us to stop and savor the good ways others affect us that often go unnoticed and unacknowledged.

When we express our discovered appreciation the gift quadruples. You now get to be the conveyer of a gift more precious than jewelry or some new tech item. Appreciative words say to the receiver, you matter. Your life has value to me. Our words become a gift they can hold within their heart and repeat to themselves when they need a little uplift. But there’s further benefits for you! As you express your appreciation, you re-experience the joy of the goodness they bring and over time continuing to express appreciation makes your relationship warmer and closer. I can vouch for what I’m saying!

My November Tips for You

Appreciate two people to make it doable.

1.     Choose a person you see every day or often and reflect on the goodness they bring into your life. Do they do things that make your life easier? Do they uplift you with their humor or positivity? Do you feel valued by them? Can you count on them? Are they comforting or make you feel secure? Do you have fun with them? Take in the good they bring whatever it is and be bold and tell them. Savor the joy of sharing your appreciation.

2.     Choose another person that you might not see often that has had an important impact on your life. Take in the goodness they’ve brought then call, email, send a card, or visit and share your appreciation.

I’m hoping taking the grateful pause and expressing appreciation feels so good that it becomes a part of your life. There’s so much to be grateful for—this month choose people. Wishing you and your family health and happiness and grateful time together this Thanksgiving.

I want to hear from you! How has appreciating a loved one or a person who’s made a difference in your life touched your heart?

The Affirming Way of Life is a perfect Thanksgiving gift to let someone know how much you appreciate them!

Write Gratitude Letters to Boost Your Happiness

The way you came into my life at the two crossroads of my work-life, always has made me feel it was bershert, from God. Such an influence you’ve had on the course of my life! First, you got me the interview that launched my 38-year teaching career. There I got to make a difference in so many lives and established such deep, meaningful relationships. Then with another nudge from the Universe, I was reunited with you after a 30-year hiatus, and you guided me through all the stages of publishing to publish my dream-fulfilling book!...I am grateful and feel blessed beyond blessed for your precious friendship.

Pretty nice thing to receive, right?

The Assignment

This is an excerpt from a letter I recently wrote to a friend as part of an assignment I had from an online course. We were to choose one of the new habits (called rewirements) that we were willing to practice for four weeks in the hope of developing a long-term habit. I chose to write gratitude letters because I love to express my heart to others and was curious if writing the letters would indeed make me feel happier as the research suggests.

Oh, and an important piece of the assignment is the letter must be personally delivered then read. Now that can feel awkward, and during these Covid-19 times, can be especially difficult because we are now just starting to visit with people, 6 feet apart, of course. So most of my letters I’ve read via Zoom or FaceTime, then emailed them as a precious keepsake.

I was first intrigued with the research when I was writing a chapter on appreciative words for my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good. Dr. Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology, found that expressing gratitude to someone who has made a big difference in your life, increased the happiness of participants in his study more than any other intervention, with benefits lasting up to a month. Powerful!

Benefits to the Letter Writer and the Recipient

I can’t tell you yet, if the happy feeling lasts for a month, but I can tell you all the good writing and sharing the letters has brought to me and the recipients of the letters. For me, reflecting on the positive ways other dear people have impacted my life shows me how loved and supported I’ve been.

1. Too often we focus on what’s missing or wrong in our life, but a gratitude letter shifts our attention to the blessings we’ve been graced with. In my chapter on appreciative words, I talk about the grateful pause. I discovered this technique as I was composing a thank you letter to a woman who was kindly looking in on my ill father.

“Expressing appreciation allowed me to take a grateful pause and savor the comfort Carol brought to me and my family. Though my words were intended to make her feel loved, being appreciative reminded me of how loved and blessed I was. Expressing my appreciation was a gift for both of us. ”

2. So far, I’ve written seven letters. As a whole, they show me how much I’ve grown. The following is from multiple letters:

“I came to you feeling shame and disconnected from my communities. Bit by bit you helped me trust myself and become a deeply happy person…You showed me I had a message that was valued…You saw the best in me and helped me to see it too…Your faith in me has made all the difference in me pursuing my dream, and using my talents to make a difference in the world…You inspired me with four practices that bring me great peace and joy that I share with others.”

I say to myself, you’ve come a long way baby. And I know it’s because as the Beatles sing, I get by with a little (a lot of) help from my friends.

   3. Probably the thing I love most about these gratitude letters is the closeness it makes me feel to the people who’ve most deeply touched my life. I would say I spent about 30 minutes writing each letter. As I reflected on the person’s contributions to my life, my heart swelled with love for him or her. I imagine my letters creating golden webs of connection between myself and my recipients. Reading the letters were teary, joyful, truly uplifting moments for both of us.  I wrote down some of the responses to inspire you to write your own letters.

“Oy vey, I don’t think I will ever feel sad or lonely again…I will always cherish your letter. Your words so truly describe our friendship and how we mutually love and care for one another. I will read your letter often when I am down, when I feel alone, when I need your comforting thoughts…I am so touched you took the time to write this letter. This is what’s important in life. I treasure you.”

And when I asked my husband, Gus, the first letter recipient, how he liked the letter he said, “I’d like to frame it.” Done!

Your Takeaways

• Take a grateful pause and make a list of people who’ve made a big difference in your life.

• Commit to writing one hearfelt letter a week. Explain how he or she has touched your life and why he or she is meaningful to you.  I promise you the joy you will feel will be the best moments you experience in the week.

• Call, visit, FaceTime, or Zoom the person and read him or her your letter. Then give them a copy in person or via email.

• Keep a copy of each letter for yourself. Reflect on your blessings and personal growth as you reread your letters.

• Savor the closeness you are nurturing with those who’ve touched your life.

The subtitle of my book encapsulates the impact of gratitude letters.

When we SEE THE GOOD in our own life because of our relationships,

and we SPEAK THE GOOD by writing gratitude letters and sharing them,

WE SPREAD THE GOOD energy to our relationships and to the larger world!

Why not write a gratitude letter today?!