Be Your Own Cheerleader: Dealing with Negative Self-Talk

I am so guilty of beating myself up needlessly with negative self-talk. In my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, I wrote about my negative self-talk habit in the past tense. But, the slow-down of forward movement in my life, thanks to Covid-19, has brought my old, familiar, undermining voice back.

I first became aware of her (my negative voice) again, during a conversation with a friend who’s a life coach.

My Negative Self-Talk

Jamie was telling me a story about coaching someone with a self-defeatist attitude and it was as if my phone alarm was chiming. “I can’t believe you just said that! Gus and I do puzzles after dinner every night. When I’m working on a section that’s hard, I say things like, ’The piece must be missing. I can’t do this, it’s too hard!’’

“How could you reframe that statement?” she asked.

I knew what she was getting at. I had available to me broader, more positive ways of looking at this minor difficulty. “I could say something like, ‘Hang in there. You eventually always connect the pieces.’”

“How does that statement feel compared to the other?”

“Empowered.” Yes. I could see how the words I say to myself could fuel or fizzle my power.

Feeling more discouraged than usual, my ears were perked to listen for any other self-defeatist talk.

A few days later, I began researching bloggers who wrote about similar subjects to me. I hoped to find someone with a large following who might invite me to be a guest blogger. The ones that appealed to me had from 80,000-100,000 followers.

OMG! To have that many followers! They’re in a different universe than me.

And there she was. My old comparing-self-to-others voice. I was intimidated by the disparity between their number of followers and mine, and went right to putting myself down. So mean of me!

So…

Take a Positive Action

In a kind, compassionate voice that I’d offer anyone else, I say to myself, “I am so sorry, Gailie, for speaking to you that way. You are hard-working and capable, you’ve accomplished many other goals, and you will do this, too!”

Through years of living with my nasty self-talk voice, I’ve developed my own inner cheerleader to soothe and uplift myself. I know she may sound very rah rah, but isn’t that what cheerleaders do?

The way my process works, once I have awareness, I instinctively work at shifting my perspective. Sometimes encouraging self-talk is all I need to make the inner change, but often I turn to my inner circle of people who help me see things from a larger more positive perspective.

Shift Your Point of View

Thanks to Covid-19 (I know it’s hard to imagine it has some silver linings), my husband, Gus and I have dinner and talk every night on our deck taking in the beauty of the pines, our silver maple, and the slowly setting sun lighting up our grass a neon green. Sipping chilled sauvignon blanc I say,

“Honey, you know that ‘I’ll never find the puzzle piece’ thing I say every night, well today I noticed that attitude is spreading. I found two bloggers who I’d like to reach out to as a guest blogger, but they have something like 100,000 followers. No way they’d be interested in me.”

“The sky is falling!”

“Aw, come on. I don’t catastrophize like I used to.”

“How long have those bloggers been at it?”

I grabbed my iphone and googled their histories. “One has been at it for thirteen years and the other ten.”

“See! Developing a following takes time. It’s like expecting a fifth grader to write a college thesis. Give yourself a break and be patient, Gailie. You’ll get there.”

Gus gave me perspective, and I could have kissed his feet. I felt all kinds of things: permission to be a beginner, undeserving of self-putdowns, reigning in of my expectations of my number of blog readers. And if Gussie didn’t help me see the bigger picture, I would have called my sister or my closest friend.

Your Takeaways

• Listen to the things you say to yourself. If you catch yourself speaking negatively, know that it is in your power to change the message.

• Take a positive action and respond to your negative self-talk in a kind, compassionate voice. Encourage yourself and remind yourself of past successes as I did. Become your own cheerleader!

• Shift to a broader more positive perspective by speaking to someone you can rely on for that, or by self-reflection or journaling. Another possibility is to turn to a good book, such as Infinite Possibilities by Michael Dooley.

• Develop an affirmation to repeat each time you encounter the situation that gave rise to the negative self-talk. With puzzles I now say: Hang in there, in time you always connect the pieces.” With blogging I say: Be patient. Developing a following takes time. You’re making a difference person by person.” I really repeat these phrases to myself and feel much more confident.

Why not let these Covid-19 times be an impetus to shift your self-talk to the positive side!

If you like what you read here, check out my award-winning book available on Amazon that can help you have more fulfilling connections with everyone in your life:

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good

Write Gratitude Letters to Boost Your Happiness

The way you came into my life at the two crossroads of my work-life, always has made me feel it was bershert, from God. Such an influence you’ve had on the course of my life! First, you got me the interview that launched my 38-year teaching career. There I got to make a difference in so many lives and established such deep, meaningful relationships. Then with another nudge from the Universe, I was reunited with you after a 30-year hiatus, and you guided me through all the stages of publishing to publish my dream-fulfilling book!...I am grateful and feel blessed beyond blessed for your precious friendship.

Pretty nice thing to receive, right?

The Assignment

This is an excerpt from a letter I recently wrote to a friend as part of an assignment I had from an online course. We were to choose one of the new habits (called rewirements) that we were willing to practice for four weeks in the hope of developing a long-term habit. I chose to write gratitude letters because I love to express my heart to others and was curious if writing the letters would indeed make me feel happier as the research suggests.

Oh, and an important piece of the assignment is the letter must be personally delivered then read. Now that can feel awkward, and during these Covid-19 times, can be especially difficult because we are now just starting to visit with people, 6 feet apart, of course. So most of my letters I’ve read via Zoom or FaceTime, then emailed them as a precious keepsake.

I was first intrigued with the research when I was writing a chapter on appreciative words for my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good. Dr. Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology, found that expressing gratitude to someone who has made a big difference in your life, increased the happiness of participants in his study more than any other intervention, with benefits lasting up to a month. Powerful!

Benefits to the Letter Writer and the Recipient

I can’t tell you yet, if the happy feeling lasts for a month, but I can tell you all the good writing and sharing the letters has brought to me and the recipients of the letters. For me, reflecting on the positive ways other dear people have impacted my life shows me how loved and supported I’ve been.

1. Too often we focus on what’s missing or wrong in our life, but a gratitude letter shifts our attention to the blessings we’ve been graced with. In my chapter on appreciative words, I talk about the grateful pause. I discovered this technique as I was composing a thank you letter to a woman who was kindly looking in on my ill father.

“Expressing appreciation allowed me to take a grateful pause and savor the comfort Carol brought to me and my family. Though my words were intended to make her feel loved, being appreciative reminded me of how loved and blessed I was. Expressing my appreciation was a gift for both of us. ”

2. So far, I’ve written seven letters. As a whole, they show me how much I’ve grown. The following is from multiple letters:

“I came to you feeling shame and disconnected from my communities. Bit by bit you helped me trust myself and become a deeply happy person…You showed me I had a message that was valued…You saw the best in me and helped me to see it too…Your faith in me has made all the difference in me pursuing my dream, and using my talents to make a difference in the world…You inspired me with four practices that bring me great peace and joy that I share with others.”

I say to myself, you’ve come a long way baby. And I know it’s because as the Beatles sing, I get by with a little (a lot of) help from my friends.

   3. Probably the thing I love most about these gratitude letters is the closeness it makes me feel to the people who’ve most deeply touched my life. I would say I spent about 30 minutes writing each letter. As I reflected on the person’s contributions to my life, my heart swelled with love for him or her. I imagine my letters creating golden webs of connection between myself and my recipients. Reading the letters were teary, joyful, truly uplifting moments for both of us.  I wrote down some of the responses to inspire you to write your own letters.

“Oy vey, I don’t think I will ever feel sad or lonely again…I will always cherish your letter. Your words so truly describe our friendship and how we mutually love and care for one another. I will read your letter often when I am down, when I feel alone, when I need your comforting thoughts…I am so touched you took the time to write this letter. This is what’s important in life. I treasure you.”

And when I asked my husband, Gus, the first letter recipient, how he liked the letter he said, “I’d like to frame it.” Done!

Your Takeaways

• Take a grateful pause and make a list of people who’ve made a big difference in your life.

• Commit to writing one hearfelt letter a week. Explain how he or she has touched your life and why he or she is meaningful to you.  I promise you the joy you will feel will be the best moments you experience in the week.

• Call, visit, FaceTime, or Zoom the person and read him or her your letter. Then give them a copy in person or via email.

• Keep a copy of each letter for yourself. Reflect on your blessings and personal growth as you reread your letters.

• Savor the closeness you are nurturing with those who’ve touched your life.

The subtitle of my book encapsulates the impact of gratitude letters.

When we SEE THE GOOD in our own life because of our relationships,

and we SPEAK THE GOOD by writing gratitude letters and sharing them,

WE SPREAD THE GOOD energy to our relationships and to the larger world!

Why not write a gratitude letter today?!

3 Rituals for Connecting in Covid-19 Times

What are you missing during Covid-19? One sad loss we’ve all seen highlighted on the nightly news is graduation ceremonies. High school and college seniors who looked forward to celebrating this major milestone with their classmates and family, will not get to do so.

“Rituals matter in our society,” says Chancellor Rebecca Blank of the University of Wisconsin, Madison.  “When you get to the end of one part of life and go to another that needs to be marked.” Yes it does.

Chancellor Blank got me thinking about how important rituals are. Rituals enable us to share major life transitions to receive emotional support from our loved ones and community. Sadly these most important life events like weddings, bar mitzvahs, baby showers, and even funerals have been put on hold.

Creating Rituals for the Times

Amidst this time of great loss, something inspiring and amazing is showing up: the creativity of the human spirit to find new ways to celebrate and connect. Nothing shows this better than the care and creativity of administrators, teachers and parents finding joyous way to make their children’s graduation memorable. Here’re some that stick out to me:

• A Brooklyn principal lined the school fence with posters of the seniors portraits

• Graduate parades of cars strung with streamers and gold 2020 balloons

• Students cruise the Indianapolis Raceway track to pick up their diploma

• And my favorite – The father of Gabrielle Pierce of Louisiana graduated his daughter from Xavier University, on a stage in full regalia in their driveway to the hoots and cheers of family and neighbors 6 feet apart in the street!

I look forward to these displays on the nightly news. They make me smile and laugh and bring tears to my eyes. What doesn’t go as expected makes even better memories!

Making Meaning

In Finding Meaning, David Kessler, grief expert and former collaborator with Elizabeth Kubler Ross, has written an amazing book that is helping me reflect on how we can make the best of our life circumstances during Covid-19. The focus of his book is how to go on living a life of meaning, purpose and someday even happiness, after the loss of a loved one. On a global scale, we are all coping with the loss of life as we know it. David says,

“Our worst moments can be the seeds of our best moments. They have an amazing power to transform us… Loss is simply what happens in life. Meaning is what you make happen.”

And that is just what we see happening with the alternative celebrations of our graduates.

Rituals for major life events as well as daily rituals anchor our connection with ourselves and others. Rituals are important to us individually, as couples, with our families, our friends, and with our larger community. They give us feelings of comfort and stability, reinforce who we are and who we are with each other. Rituals are literally the stuff that structures our life and helps us make it meaningful and fulfilling.

Living during Covid-19 times is an opportunity to continue those rituals that are still possible and create new ones that keep the love and connection flowing.

Meaningful Rituals

1.  With Ourselves: Centering rituals that help us to feel connected to ourselves are an anchor at all times, but especially now. Even five minutes daily with one or more of the rituals I am suggesting can support your inner connection. I speak from experience, having felt unmoored for many years before adopting these.

• Meditation – has benefits that include improved focus and less stress. I recommend using a meditation app such as the one I use, Insight Timer. It offers guided meditations, soothing music, chat groups, a timer, and rewards to motivate your practice. It connects me to myself and meditators around the world. Beginning or ending your day with meditation is centering.

• Gratitude –helps us to develop a positive mindset. I began my practice by expressing daily gratitude for at least five things at bedtime. I now also express gratitude throughout my day for each blessing I experience. Things like receiving a loving text, a sunny warm day with a cool breeze, or my husband’s kind words for my cooking. Bookending your day with a gratitude ritual can change your life. It has mine.

• Walks in Nature – tunes us into the life force and beauty of the world surrounding us. Walking with others is a major pastime now, but a walk by yourself can help you feel connected to the environment and a greater spiritual reality beyond the four walls of your home. One friend has created a ritual of walking every afternoon with her 88-year-old neighbor. They explore different neighborhoods and have had the joy of getting to know each other better.

2.      With Others: Strange times call for new rituals for feeling connected with the people who matter to us.

• Zoom – of course, is the new way of connecting during corona virus times. Many of us are zooming to connect with individuals, groups, and to continue celebrating the important events in our lives.

  I usually have Passover at my house. This year my family zoomed an abridged Passover Seder and then 35 of us chatted. I felt uplifted for a week. Another friend had a zoom party for her husband’s birthday. I have a zoom ritual to chat with a dear friend weekly. Other friends zoom mahjong. The possibilities are endless.

• New Rituals With Those You Live With – Before Covid-19, my husband and I used to make plans like dinners out, entertainment, and vacations. Creating small rituals with those we live with can give us something to look forward to.

  I find my time with my husband all the more precious now. We’re doing small things together that we might have done on a vacation like reflecting, chatting, and enjoying the moment. We had happy hour each evening for the first month and half to take the edge off lockdown. Now, before dinner, we go for a walk and after dinner, work on a puzzle together. Watching TV series’ are our entertainment. On weekends we’ve begun walking or bike riding in lovely outdoor places we used to enjoy. Places that were commonplace before now feel thrilling to revisit. Our favorite ritual is when our son and his girlfriend come for weekly outdoor barbecues—six feet apart, of course!

  Other creative rituals I’ve seen: An Albany couple takes a daily walk including a photo of their shoes in different positions and something of beauty in nature. A group of seventeen year-olds from Irvington, NY, meet in a parking lot each night, roll down their windows, and sing and chat to the same radio station.

3.  With Our Larger World Community: I am heartened every time I get to see how people are coming together in unity to support others and have a little fun. It reinforces my sense of connection with all of humanity. The nightly Italian balcony singers and musicians inspired others all over the world to join together in a spirit of unity and creativity sharing their talents.

 I try to watch on the news at least one thing positive going on in our country and the world. There is so much generosity of spirit in the face of these fearful isolating times. Here are a few examples:

• Captain Tom Moore – the 99-year-old British war veteran who walked back and forth bent over his walker, to support Britain’s health care system and all those in need. His hope was to raise $1200. He actually raised a whopping $44 million thanks to the outpouring of support from the larger community.

• The Masked Warriors, with more than 1400 members sewing thousands of masks for hospitals in need. 

• Concerts streamed from performers homes like The Academy of Country Music, Broadway Disney Sings, and One World Together at Home to entertain us and raise money for hospital supplies and food for the hungry.

• Donating to WHO and local food pantries is my small contribution to our larger community in need.

Why not create some meaningful rituals of your own to feel connected to yourself, your loved ones, and the world? I’d love to hear about them.