Seeing The Bigger Picture: How to Access it When You Mess Up

Can you think back to a time when you messed up bad on something that you committed a lot of time and care to? Something really important to you.

Well, I recently messed up big time and I’m hoping my story will give you the gift it gave me. My mess up has to do with myself alone, and yours may even have to do with other people, but the wisdom to be had applies either way.  

I forgot to meditate! Big deal you might say. But I forgot to meditate after meditating for 1195 days in a row! That’s 3 and 1/3 years in a row! It might not sound earth shattering in the big picture of life, but my back story will show you why it means so much to me.

I had meditated frustratedly on and off over the past 40 years never with any consistency. It was using the Insight Timer Meditation app that supported me in building my habit. The Timer tracks our daily meditation. For every 10 days in a row, you get a star. The teacher in me loves the stars (I’m being honest), and the competitive part of me saw that many other meditators on the app were consistent, so I was going to be consistent, too! Before this mess up, I had meditated 230 days in a row and missed it at the stroke of 12:01 AM on vacation! I was determined to never let that happen again. And I didn’t for 3 and ½ years till…NOW.

See the Big Picture

“Gus I’m in shock! I didn’t meditate yesterday!” I sinkingly announced staring at the #1 on top of my app meditation tracking screen.

“I’m so sorry, honey. I know how much your record means to you. What happened?”

“I guess I was so tired rushing to my 8:00 AM zoom meeting followed by coaching right afterwards, that it didn’t register that I hadn’t meditated.”

Ever the man of wisdom and perspective, Gus reminded me, “It’s more than the numbers. Think of all the good things you got meditating those 3 plus years.”

That was exactly what I needed to hear to shift out of my despair. God bless that husband of mine!

Though I felt the blame game bubbling to the surface, ready to blame myself …the zoom meeting group… my client, I stopped those useless feeling in their tracks. It’s OK Gailie. You’ve done your darndest to be consistent, I whispered to myself gently and empathically. Then I reflected on my husband’s brilliant, simple reminder: What’s most important here?

Though I’ve been so proud of my ever-growing consistent habit, it’s the benefits of the habit that matter most. When challenged with a major disappointment, meditation has supported me in not overreacting and speaking kindly to myself as I would to anyone else.

My calamity inspires me to shift to BIG PICTURE insight. Though my dear record is broken, I still have a continuing record of 1576 days and 180 stars to be proud of. Oh, the ways we’re prodded to think out of the box to feel better!

How about you? What have you messed up on lately? Something you said that caused a rift in a relationship? Some bad judgment on a decision? Not taking an action you wish you had? Here’s some takeaways to help you gain perspective to keep moving forward.

Your Takeaways

1.     Forgive yourself for messing up and being human. When we do something that disappoints ourselves or another person, the first step that’s key is to forgive. To err is human. Judgment and blame zap our energy from taking a next positive step.

2.     Speak with empathy and kindness to yourself. We have a continuous inner dialogue going on. The way we speak to ourselves impacts if we spiral out of control with negativity or stop the disappointment in its tracks. Speak to yourself  with the kindness and comfort you would give a child or your dearest loved one.

3.     Reframe negative thoughts about your mess-up. This is a coaching perspective. When our negative feelings begin to spiral, we tend to develop black and white thinking. It’s all bad. That is viewing your situation from a limited perspective. A reframe is seeing the positive that exists amidst the disappointment or challenge. In my case I reframed the thought, I ruined my meditating record, to I still have the daily habit and I know I have a total of 1576 days and counting.

4.     See the big picture. When you recognize a definite mess up, ask yourself what’s most important here? Or What matters most? Or What can I learn from this situation? These questions help us shift from our emotions to our higher self-perspective, where our wisdom lies. Seeing the bigger picture enables us to look  to the future and see the possibilities to take positive action.

5.     Make amends. If your mess-up involved another person, once you’ve gotten perspective on your part in causing the hurt or misunderstanding, take responsibility, own what you did, and if appropriate say you’re sorry.

Each of these steps are about moving forward in a positive direction.

What better support to see the bigger picture than The Serenity Prayer.

“God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.”

Would you like some help seeing the bigger perspective? Contact me for a free 1-hour coaching session to help you begin the process of accepting mess-ups and your humanity. gail@uppcoach.com That stands for Unleash Your Positive Possibilities. Check out my website as well, www.uppcoach.com

Loving Laughter: Good for You, Good for Your Relationships

“
When humor exists love is not far behind.
”

— Michael Lewis

Recently I was in a workshop on Humor and Coaching, and I haven’t stopped thinking or talking about it all month! Of course, laughing feels good. When my husband Gus or son Theo, good naturedly tease me, I laugh and feel more alive in the moment. But I never thought of laughter as a beneficial habit. Who thinks of laughter as being valuable to our well-being like meditating, exercise, or a good night’s sleep?

Not only does laughter feel good, but it also supports us in the most fundamental of ways: our health, our mindset, and our relationships. Kind of like a vitamin or a pill, but without any negative side effects—laughter releases “happy hormones.” Maybe you’ve heard of some of them, but do you understand how important they are to counteract our “stress hormones” and function more fully?

Getting to Know the Goodies and the Baddies

The Baddies first:

Stress hormones (cortisol, adrenaline, norepinephrine) exist to help us. They alert us to danger (or cause for worry) by increasing our heart rate and blood pressure. Unfortunately, because so much of life is filled with moments of anxiety and stress, especially now since the pandemic, those hormones can constantly flood our bodies. The result? Disrupted sleep, anxiety and depression, memory impairment, heart disease and more.

The Goodies or “Happy Hormones” to the Rescue:

The great news is our bodies are so amazingly designed that we have more good hormones to counteract the baddies.

Dopamine or the feel-good hormone is the one that supports our memory, learning, focusing, and expanded thinking for problem solving. It enables us to see a situation in a new light.

Serotonin or the happy hormone is also known as the mood stabilizer. It can help us with healthy sleep patterns and mood boosting as well as other physical functions.

Oxytocin or the love hormone is present in our bodies during childbirth, breastfeeding, and parent-child bonding. It helps promote trust, empathy, and bonding in relationships. Its also increases with physical affection, kissing, cuddling and sex.

Endorphins or the pain relievers are also known as the runner’s high hormone. Endorphins increase when we’re having a pleasurable experience such as, a good work out, doing a creative rewarding project, eating, or having sex.

And the delight is, laughing, a chuckle, or a deep belly laugh, releases all the good hormones!

Uplifting Laughter

The great news is—laughter is free medicine! It’s available to us anytime of day, any day of the week, whether we’re alone or with others. It’s a way of looking at life. Looking for what’s fun, silly, surprising, unexpected, ridiculous, quirky and letting loose with a smile and a belly laugh.

“Look for opportunities to be delighted rather than disappointed,” say Stanford University School of Business professors Jennifer Aaker and Naomi Bagdonas in their TedTalk, “Why Great Leaders Take Humor Seriously.”

Their advice makes me think of my friend Helaine. In the winter she slipped on her doorstep and broke her lower back. She was in severe pain for two months before she had surgery and has now been in rehab and extended care for three months. She is in a wheelchair and has not yet regained her mobility. A very frustrating situation for my active friend. A couple of days ago I called to check on her.

“How are you, Helaine?”

“Well, I haven’t had PT (Physical Therapy) all week,” she said matter of factly.

“That’s awful. Did you speak up about it?”

“Yes. I got in my wheelchair and went to speak to the director. I told him my story and he said, ‘Helaine, I know. We’re so short staffed. There’s nothing I can do about it.’”

“Did you get upset?”

“No. We both just laughed.”

I was blown away. That’s not like my friend to see the humor in a frustrating situation. “You laughed? How wonderful!” Seeing the humor in the ridiculousness of these pandemic times where there just aren’t people to work, enabled her to keep her calm and creatively problem solve. She decided it was time to go home, where she could get the services she needed. Humor gave her mental distance to shift her perspective and uplift her mindset.

Be Intentional with Humor

Anatomy of an Illness by Norman Cousins is an impactful book about the benefits of intentional humor. When Cousins discovered he had an irreversible connective tissue disease he created a unique healing approach to extend his life. He would watch comedy shows that were side-splitting funny for 10 minutes at a time. He found deep belly laughs gave him two hours pain free. He went on to create laughter therapy which enabled him to live twenty years beyond his doctor’s prognosis.

Knowing how good laughter and humor is for our well-being, how do we intentionally bring it into our day-to-day lives? I asked myself that question and came up with this list of laughing opportunities:

o   Playfulness: I’m open to others being playful with me and joking about the quirky things I say and do (especially my husband and son.) As Relationship expert John Gottman says in his book, The Relationship Cure, when we approach our significant others with good humor, we have a full supply of goodwill and affection handy during disagreements. This of course applies to any relationship.

o   Laughing at myself, like when things don’t go as planned.

o   Looking with eyes of appreciation for the silliness or quirkiness of the people I interact with.

o   Joining in with others’ belly laughs. Laughter is contagious.

o   The comical on TV or in books: especially late-night TV hosts; shows like Mrs. Maisel, The Gilmore Girls, Grace and Frankie.

What’s funny to you?

As Aaker and Bagdonas say, “Laughing is like exercising, meditating, and having sex at the same time!”

Why not make humor a part of your healthy lifestyle?

Looking for more humor in your life? I’m offering a free one-hour coaching session any time in the month of May. One of the side benefits may be more laughter! Contact me at gail@uppcoach.com

Think Before You Speak – 5 Tips

“Words have weight. They carry energy and give language its potential to heal or hurt.”

— Madison Taylor

Do you ever wonder like me, where was my head when I said that?  The other night our son, Theo and his bride-to-be, Sarah, were over for dinner. At the end of the meal, as I was boiling water for tea in my electric kettle, I said to my husband, Gus, “Honey, just a reminder, when you use this kettle be sure it’s far away from the cabinets.” (I’ll admit I had an edge to my voice.)

“I always am careful with that.”

“I’m mentioning it because the other day when you were boiling water for me, I saw the steam bathing the cabinets.”

“Well it wasn’t me doing it,” he answered defensively.

Back and forth we went. I saw Sarah get quiet and duck her head to avoid our unnecessary line of fire. Her expression said it all to me. Awkward! Oh, Gail, you didn’t think before you spoke!

By the time Sarah and Theo left it was late, and I knew better than to broach the disagreement then. The next morning I kissed Gus’s cheek and said, “Sorry about last night.”

Kindly he said, “It would have been fine if you’d said it to me privately, but you embarrassed me saying it in front of Sarah.”

In the past I would have beaten myself up for being inconsiderate, but because I’ve been working on showing more empathy to myself I thought, it’s OK Gail, you weren’t thinking of the consequences of your words. You’ll do better next time.

And the crazy thing is, I consciously censor my thoughts before they leave my lips, yet I still at times blurt unnecessary or insensitive words.

How about you. Can you relate?

Psychologists say that it’s common to speak without thinking to our loved ones. One of the benefits of long-term relationships is feeling we can just be our full self. We assume they’ll understand where we’re coming from and not be offended. Not true!

Five Tips for Speaking With More Care

1.      Include the other in your mind before you speak – usually when we speak we’re just thinking of our own feelings and perspective. Embrace the other’s feelings and point of view and consider them as important as your own. When we regard others with more care, it guides us in speaking with more care.

2.      Ask yourself, Will this help or hurt?  Reflect on what you’re about to say. Often our brain is spinning thoughts and our words just blurt out without considering their impact. Slow yourself down before you speak and ask this question as your own friendly inner censor.

3.      Ask yourself, Is what I’m about to say meaningful or relevant to the other person?  If not don’t say it. This is particularly relevant with texting. Often I delete whole statements before I send them realizing its unnecessary information for the other.

4.      Become the observer of your speech. Make it a habit of noticing what you say and how it impacts others. We have the power to manage our thoughts and speech to have a positive impact on others and our relationship with them.

5.      Include affirmations in your conversations. Create positive feelings in your relationships by noticing the good stuff you see in or feel about the person and tell them. When my husband vulnerably told me I embarrassed him, I said, “Thank you honey for being so real and open with me. I am so blessed to have you as my husband.” My affirmation added back some good energy to our relationship.

It’s such a small thing to pause a moment to consider how your words will be received. And it’s such a big thing to say less and care more! Wishing you a wonderful month of positive communicating and connecting!

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good is available at Amazon. May it support you in living your best most fulfilling life!