Seeing The Bigger Picture: How to Access it When You Mess Up

Can you think back to a time when you messed up bad on something that you committed a lot of time and care to? Something really important to you.

Well, I recently messed up big time and I’m hoping my story will give you the gift it gave me. My mess up has to do with myself alone, and yours may even have to do with other people, but the wisdom to be had applies either way.  

I forgot to meditate! Big deal you might say. But I forgot to meditate after meditating for 1195 days in a row! That’s 3 and 1/3 years in a row! It might not sound earth shattering in the big picture of life, but my back story will show you why it means so much to me.

I had meditated frustratedly on and off over the past 40 years never with any consistency. It was using the Insight Timer Meditation app that supported me in building my habit. The Timer tracks our daily meditation. For every 10 days in a row, you get a star. The teacher in me loves the stars (I’m being honest), and the competitive part of me saw that many other meditators on the app were consistent, so I was going to be consistent, too! Before this mess up, I had meditated 230 days in a row and missed it at the stroke of 12:01 AM on vacation! I was determined to never let that happen again. And I didn’t for 3 and ½ years till…NOW.

See the Big Picture

“Gus I’m in shock! I didn’t meditate yesterday!” I sinkingly announced staring at the #1 on top of my app meditation tracking screen.

“I’m so sorry, honey. I know how much your record means to you. What happened?”

“I guess I was so tired rushing to my 8:00 AM zoom meeting followed by coaching right afterwards, that it didn’t register that I hadn’t meditated.”

Ever the man of wisdom and perspective, Gus reminded me, “It’s more than the numbers. Think of all the good things you got meditating those 3 plus years.”

That was exactly what I needed to hear to shift out of my despair. God bless that husband of mine!

Though I felt the blame game bubbling to the surface, ready to blame myself …the zoom meeting group… my client, I stopped those useless feeling in their tracks. It’s OK Gailie. You’ve done your darndest to be consistent, I whispered to myself gently and empathically. Then I reflected on my husband’s brilliant, simple reminder: What’s most important here?

Though I’ve been so proud of my ever-growing consistent habit, it’s the benefits of the habit that matter most. When challenged with a major disappointment, meditation has supported me in not overreacting and speaking kindly to myself as I would to anyone else.

My calamity inspires me to shift to BIG PICTURE insight. Though my dear record is broken, I still have a continuing record of 1576 days and 180 stars to be proud of. Oh, the ways we’re prodded to think out of the box to feel better!

How about you? What have you messed up on lately? Something you said that caused a rift in a relationship? Some bad judgment on a decision? Not taking an action you wish you had? Here’s some takeaways to help you gain perspective to keep moving forward.

Your Takeaways

1.     Forgive yourself for messing up and being human. When we do something that disappoints ourselves or another person, the first step that’s key is to forgive. To err is human. Judgment and blame zap our energy from taking a next positive step.

2.     Speak with empathy and kindness to yourself. We have a continuous inner dialogue going on. The way we speak to ourselves impacts if we spiral out of control with negativity or stop the disappointment in its tracks. Speak to yourself  with the kindness and comfort you would give a child or your dearest loved one.

3.     Reframe negative thoughts about your mess-up. This is a coaching perspective. When our negative feelings begin to spiral, we tend to develop black and white thinking. It’s all bad. That is viewing your situation from a limited perspective. A reframe is seeing the positive that exists amidst the disappointment or challenge. In my case I reframed the thought, I ruined my meditating record, to I still have the daily habit and I know I have a total of 1576 days and counting.

4.     See the big picture. When you recognize a definite mess up, ask yourself what’s most important here? Or What matters most? Or What can I learn from this situation? These questions help us shift from our emotions to our higher self-perspective, where our wisdom lies. Seeing the bigger picture enables us to look  to the future and see the possibilities to take positive action.

5.     Make amends. If your mess-up involved another person, once you’ve gotten perspective on your part in causing the hurt or misunderstanding, take responsibility, own what you did, and if appropriate say you’re sorry.

Each of these steps are about moving forward in a positive direction.

What better support to see the bigger picture than The Serenity Prayer.

“God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.”

Would you like some help seeing the bigger perspective? Contact me for a free 1-hour coaching session to help you begin the process of accepting mess-ups and your humanity. gail@uppcoach.com That stands for Unleash Your Positive Possibilities. Check out my website as well, www.uppcoach.com

4 Tips to Make Peace with Drive-Yourself-Crazy Perfectionism

My friend Naomi and I were doing our weekly walk on River Rd in Titusville. As we often do, we were reflecting on our lives and learning. Till she said something that stopped me in my sneakers. 

“And I don’t have to be perfect!”

“Woah! I love that!” Her honest, vulnerable owning of how her perfectionism had impacted her relationships and her life, had me thinking for days. Oh, how my perfectionist-self has caused me and my loved ones such unnecessary suffering! Our conversation gave me pause to look deeper at the many faces of perfectionism in my life, its cost, its gifts (as surprising as that sounds) and the opportunity…to grow.

First, the Gift of Perfectionism

Being a perfectionist may be what you or a loved one has needed to do to survive or gain acceptance as a child. It also may help you to reach high levels of accomplishment in your work or pursuing your creative passions.

In my home, I grew up with a bipolar mom and a perfectionist dad. Because of my mother’s illness, she didn’t give much attention to details in anything she did, nor did she teach me the skills other moms taught their girls. This led me to look for “the right way” to do things outside of my home. I became resourceful and receptive at finding learning all around me. The downside though was that I believed there was a “right way,” to do things (which my adult self knows is totally false.) I was constantly comparing myself to others and coming up short.

My dad on the other hand corrected my grammar until he was in his late 80’s. Talk about opposites!  Yet his expectations that I communicate well inspired me to love writing and to have the deep fulfillment of writing my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good. And though personal growth books weren’t something he’d read, I’m sure he’s smiling down on me from Heaven.

While perfectionism can spur us on to work up to our highest potential, it can come at great cost.

The Cost of Perfectionism

The definition from psychology tells a lot: A perfectionist is someone who strives for flawlessness and sets excessively high standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concern regarding others’ evaluations of oneself. To a perfectionist, anything that’s less than perfect is unacceptable.

Does that sound anything like you or someone you love or work with? I confess, it is so me.

The cost of perfection as you can see from the definition, and probably know in your gut as I do, is it can guide us to set ridiculously unrealistic expectations of ourselves. Ooh, the countless times I’ve been hard on myself—brutally critical, for not having mastered something new…yesterday. Or for making a mistake…or saying something that may have hurt someone’s feelings…or not being as good as someone else, or not anticipating something I should have…Those are my perfectionist triggers (at least the ones I’m aware of). How about you? What are your triggers that unleash a tirade of self-criticism for not measuring up?

When I was writing my book, I came across some research that has had a profound impact on my awareness of the damage my perfectionist-self causes. And even better it’s given me a healing tool, I hope will help you, too.

Dr. Kristin Neff in her book, Self-Compassion, says it’s human to make mistakes and be imperfect. It’s not just us, but everyone who is imperfect. Because we’re human. What freedom that’s given me!

“It is a beautiful experience being with ourselves at a level of complete acceptance. When that begins to happen, when you give up resistance and needing to be perfect, a peace will come over you as you have never known. ”

— Ruth Fishel

Since then, I’ve become a detective in search of noticing when I get down on myself for unrealistic expectations and reframing my response with more acceptance. If I forget something, (isn’t that awful) I will hear myself say in a judgy voice, “Gail, uh, you made a mistake! Why didn’t you think of that?” “Mistake” became a signal word for me to replace what I was saying with kindness and acceptance. “It’s OK Gail. You’re human. Next time you’ll do better.”

Your 4 Takeaway Tips

1.     Eliminate the word “perfect” from your vocabulary! Just using the word keeps us hooked to the unrealistically achievable. While you’re at it eliminate “should,” too. “Should” is not a choice but can feel like an expectation of what a perfect person would do.

2.     Strive to be human instead of perfect. Embrace your fallible humanity with kindness and self-compassion.  Try saying, “It’s OK, you’re human. You’ll do better next time.”

3.     Become a detective of your own perfectionism. Discover your trigger experiences that lead you to be self-critical and have unrealistic expectations. Then reframe those statements with kindness and acceptance.

4.     Be a good enoughist as my friend Jamie wisely suggested in her book, Less Stress Life. When it’s not important that something be just so, accept it as good enough!

I love coaching people on embracing their humanity and being kinder to themselves. Contact me at gail@uppcoach.com for a free one-hour session to explore some new possibilities to be kinder to yourself. And go to my website www.uppcoach.com to learn more and read reviews about my coaching. Wishing you greater ease and self-acceptance!

I love nothing more than speaking to groups about how to develop a positive mindset; ways to improve their relationships and connections at home or work; and how to create a balanced life you love. You can contact me for more information about talks and workshops at gail@theaffirmingway.com.

Offer Cookies

Who isn’t feeling all the negativity when you turn on the news these days. We’re angry, disgusted, disheartened and too often feeling it’s us vs them, whichever side of the aisle we’re on. But believe it or not, it’s in our hands to do something about that. In our own small way (which is bigger than we can imagine), we can be a stone that sends out ripples leading to waterfalls of change. Here’s a story from a friend to spark you.

Stop Kicking!

Jill and her eight-year-old granddaughter Abby were flying home from Texas after a happy and exhausting vacation with Abby’s cousins. Soon after they settled into their seats on the plane, Abby leaned over and said, “Grammy, the girl sitting behind me is kicking my seat and it’s uncomfortable.”

“Oh, be patient honey, I’m sure the girl is just getting comfortable and will stop any minute.”

“Grammy, she’s still kicking,” Abby complained at least three more times. So Jill did what any loving grandmother would do who also wanted a little peace on the flight—she intervened. Craning her head over the seat, Jill noticed that the little girl who was Abby’s age, was engaged in a workbook activity with her mom, while her own grandmother looked on. “Excuse me. I’m sure your little girl doesn’t realize it, but she’s kicking my granddaughter’s seat.” The mother glared icily chilling Jill to the bone.  

“Grammy she’s STILL kicking my seat.” Abby whined.

“Abby do you want to say something yourself?” So Abby got on her knees, looked over the seat and said, “Could you please just not kick my seat anymore?” With that the mother started yelling loud enough for the pilot to hear, “NO! She’s not kicking you and she’s not doing anything WRONG!”

The lady in the seat opposite Jill whispered over the aisle, “She must be from the other political party.” While Jill agreed, she felt bad about all the toxic, negative energy she was part of creating. She asked herself, what can I do here? She shifted her mind to look at the woman and the circumstances from a broader perspective. Jill thought, this mother and her daughter are probably just trying to get through the trip. I know the anxiety I cope with when flying, for the mother to react so strongly she must be anxious. I can see how much effort she’s put into making her daughter comfortable with the activities she’s brought for her. I want to do something to make peace…and then it came to her.

In her backpack was a package of chocolate chip cookies. Jill got out of her seat, and said to the mother, I have an extra pack of cookies for my granddaughter. Would your daughter like them?

“Thank you, that’s very nice,” said the mother, as her iciness began to thaw.  

The little girl’s grandmother responded immediately with apologetic gratitude. “This is my granddaughter’s first flight. It’s so hard for kids to sit still.” Turning to her granddaughter she asked, “Lisa would you like to share your coloring book with this lady’s granddaughter?” Without skipping a beat Lisa handed her coloring book to Abby through the space in between the seats.

“Thank you! That’s really nice.” Abby beamed.

“I shouldn’t have shouted. I was just trying so hard to make my daughter’s first plane ride a positive experience,” the mother explained more relaxed now.

“I totally understand,” Jill replied.

Tears ran down the cheeks of the woman across the aisle, she was so moved by what she witnessed, and Jill and the little girl’s mom chatted warmly for the rest of the trip. When Jill shared this story with me, I could see how her choice to focus on their commonalities not only made her happier and inspired, but it rippled good energy out to at least the five other people involved.  

Look for Connections

This is what we need to do with people on the other side of the political divide. If we can catch ourselves when we’re judging, hating, or retaliating in kind, and just pause… and look at the person from a broader perspective, as Jill did—we can find our common ground, and that’s the place I feel good about coming from. How about you?

Believe me, I swear at the TV and get all worked up about things going on in our country and the world, but when it comes to individuals, I am committed to the affirming way of life. My neighbor may have different political views than I have, but she loves her son passionately like I do mine, she is smart and I love talking to her about books, and she is committed to family just like me. I choose to see the good in her which shapes the way we relate.

Each morning I spiritually center myself by reading a lesson from The Course in Miracles. I love this: “The whole reality of our relationship with God, lies in our relationship with one another.” It reminds me how important the way I view and treat others is.

Your Takeaways

• Choose to be a force for good. Catch yourself when being a hater, and shift your perspective to see the good in the other person, especially now with the polarized political divide.

• Look for commonalities—our shared humanity, to nurture your connection with others.

•   Know that every instance, (as seemingly small as offering a cookie), that you focus on the good and what you have in common with others, shapes your life and the world!

Why not bridge the political divide and commit to being a force for good today!