A Valentine Gift for You: A Relationship Tune-up

It’s February, and what better time than now to tune-up our relationships.

Do your eyes gloss over listening to your significant other (or any dear one)?

Do you sometimes think, same old, same old?

Does your relationship feel a little stale or boring?

If you said yes to any of the above, you can make this month the start of a relationship tune-up. And even if you had no resounding yeses, the ideas that follow can add unexpected joy, pleasure and closeness to your love connections.

Preoccupied and Stressed

I hear the garage door open and the sound of Gus’s leather shoes shuffling on our kitchen tile floor. “Uhh. Already?” I’m in the middle of writing this article at my computer desk, in my writing room, and don’t want to stop. “Hi Honey,” I shout out. I continue my writing for at least 15 minutes before I mosey out to begin dinner.

I’m preoccupied.

What message am I giving my husband? What I’m writing is more important than him. (I ask him how it makes him feel when I don’t come out to greet him. He says, “I’m used to it.” Hmmm.)

Gus stretches out to watch TV on the couch in our family room. I’m feeling frustrated that I didn’t write as much as I’d hoped to. I gaze at him and think, “Always watching TV! Can’t he find something else to do?”

My own negative feelings are spilling over to the way I view my husband.

When I sit down to talk with Gus, he’s unresponsive, just staring at the TV. “Honey, is anything wrong?”

“I’m tired. I’m not in the mood to talk now.”

He’s stressed. Unresolved work issues and complications dominate his thoughts. And I did ignore him!  (It took me many years to not take his being uncommunicative personally.)

We get so caught up in our outside world we forget about our inside world – our heart, our connection with our loved ones.

Make Your Loved One a Priority

We all ignore our loved ones at times, and even though our goals, tasks and projects can consume us, here’s a little reminder I ask myself that may help you: What would my life be without my husband? (You can substitute son, daughter, sibling, friend… you get the picture.)

I’ve developed a practice that reminds me how precious my husband is. I thank God for him daily. Gratitude. Sometime in the day, (often as I walk up the stairs), I think of all the good he brings into my life, our son Theo’s, and that of our daughter-in-law Sarah. The same things come to mind, yet new things crop up, too.

I am intentional about valuing my husband, regardless of passing feelings of sameness, or other pressing thoughts.

But of course, what is valuing another without showing and telling them?

Four Tips to Spark the Love in Your Life

1.     Say thank you every day. Take a moment to appreciate whatever your loved one has done for you and let them know in an extended thank you, how much what they’ve done means to you. The littlest thing like ‘takes out the garbage,’ expressed sincerely makes your loved one feel valued. I don’t usually thank Gus for taking out the garbage which he has been doing for 32 years. Today I did, though. “Thanks, honey, for braving the cold to get our garbage out on time. I so appreciate that you do that, and I don’t have to.” Gus gave me a tighter hug this morning before he left for work. I smiled inside.

·       Gus and I both say thank you often. It creates an atmosphere of respect and appreciation that feels good.

2.     Share something you love, admire or appreciate about your loved one daily. It’s about putting good energy into your relationship, intentionally. I’m thinking of our cars. If we didn’t fill them with gas, they’d be stationary and wouldn’t take us anywhere. Affirming our loved ones daily is keeping our relationship tanks full so our relationships keep moving in a satisfying forward direction.

·       When I pause to appreciate my husband (or any loved one) it’s in the small details of life that I find what I love and the words to say it: “I love that you do what you say you’ll do.” “I love the way you appreciate whatever I make you for dinner.” “I love the way you make me feel.” “I love the way you see the best in me even when I don’t.” “I appreciate the way you tolerate my idiosyncrasies and make jokes about them.”

·       One of the gifts of affirming my husband daily, is that he’s more affirming of me, too. The good energy flows back and forth.

3.     Make rituals of connection – carve out time together. During a time in our relationships when Gus and I had drifted apart, we sat down and brainstormed the things we both enjoyed so we could reconnect. Then we began putting those dates on our calendar. The more fun things we did the more the good energy began flowing between us.

·       For us it was traveling, hiking, shows, movies, dinners with friends. How about you?

4.     Start a ritual of hugging at the start and end of your day. A full three breath hug and add a kiss in, too! I didn’t always do this. But since we started it definitely solidifies the care and pleasure of our relationship.

And Especially on Valentine’s Day

Gus says to tell you all, “Make a list (before V Day) of five things you love and appreciate about your sweetheart,” and tell them on Valentine’s Day. Right from my formerly not-an-affirmer husband!

Let this month be the start of intentionally cherishing your loved ones and creating the flowing love you seek!

Gail loves nothing more than speaking to groups about ways to improve their relationships and connections at home or work; how to develop a positive mindset; and how to create a balanced life you love. You can contact her for more information at gail@theaffirmingway.com.

Want individual help to make a transition or create more fulfillment in your life? Contact Gail for coaching at gail@uppcoach.com. And go to her website www.uppcoach.com to learn more and read reviews of her transformational support.

Thanksgiving Month: A Way to Celebrate the Goodness

There’s no better time than Thanksgiving month to open our hearts and minds to the gift of gratitude. Yes, gratitude is the simple key to celebrate all the good that we just haven’t had eyes to see. It’s even more inviting to explore gratitude when you learn from the Harvard Medical School Bulletin that gratitude is consistently associated with greater happiness, improved health, stronger relationships, and the ability to deal with adversity.

Gratitude is a thankful appreciation for what an individual receives, whether materially or emotionally. When grateful, we recognize the goodness we are receiving comes from outside ourselves. It may be from nature, a higher power, or other people. Each of these sources are essential. But for Thanksgiving month I want to focus on gratitude for other people.

What would our lives be without the people that love and accept us as we are? Their care and support are what sustain us. But how often do we pause to appreciate how much the people in our lives mean to us?

A Personal Story About Appreciating Our People

Recently, I had a big birthday. Frankly the number wowed me! I thought how can I be that old? Reaching this age (aren’t you curious what it is) I wanted to gather all the people I consider my tribe together to celebrate with me. Unfortunately, because of Covid, I limited the party to 30, outdoors on my deck. Acknowledging milestones with words has always been important to me, so for weeks leading up to the party I reflected on the people I invited and how much they meant to me and helped shape my life. 

I call my husband, my sister, and my son—my triumvirate. They are my people who see my strengths and affirm me for them. They make me feel good about being myself and accept my less than stellar traits. They encourage me when I’m reaching for a goal and make me feel loved and appreciated. So, I said exactly that to each of them personally then publicly at my party.

Not everyone is comfortable expressing their appreciation to others. Here’s how I said it to my husband as an example: “Honey, on turning ___, I paused to reflect on my gifts, and you were right there at the top. I’m so grateful for the way you love me and appreciate me just for being me. I feel so supported by your encouragement with my goals. I am blessed with you.”  Any one of the statements I made would be enough.

Reflecting on the goodness my extended family and friends bring to my life, I realize they are each a positive influence and support me in creating a life I love. My cousins are models of family devotion and raising kids well. My friends have inspired me to write my book, travel, enjoy theatre, love outdoor adventures, be a good listener and communicator, be assertive and strong, have a good marriage, and they too make me feel loved and valued. So, at my party, I thanked them all with a grateful heart. Joy abounded.

Appreciation, A Gift to the Giver and the Receiver

Pausing to appreciate the people who most touch our life begins as a gift for ourselves. When I reflected on the goodness my family and friends brought into my life, I felt mightily blessed. How often do we stop and appreciate the difference someone makes in our life? Not very often for most of us. We’re too busy living and managing responsibilities or mulling over grievances in our minds. We’re human.  A grateful pause gets us to stop and savor the good ways others affect us that often go unnoticed and unacknowledged.

When we express our discovered appreciation the gift quadruples. You now get to be the conveyer of a gift more precious than jewelry or some new tech item. Appreciative words say to the receiver, you matter. Your life has value to me. Our words become a gift they can hold within their heart and repeat to themselves when they need a little uplift. But there’s further benefits for you! As you express your appreciation, you re-experience the joy of the goodness they bring and over time continuing to express appreciation makes your relationship warmer and closer. I can vouch for what I’m saying!

My November Tips for You

Appreciate two people to make it doable.

1.     Choose a person you see every day or often and reflect on the goodness they bring into your life. Do they do things that make your life easier? Do they uplift you with their humor or positivity? Do you feel valued by them? Can you count on them? Are they comforting or make you feel secure? Do you have fun with them? Take in the good they bring whatever it is and be bold and tell them. Savor the joy of sharing your appreciation.

2.     Choose another person that you might not see often that has had an important impact on your life. Take in the goodness they’ve brought then call, email, send a card, or visit and share your appreciation.

I’m hoping taking the grateful pause and expressing appreciation feels so good that it becomes a part of your life. There’s so much to be grateful for—this month choose people. Wishing you and your family health and happiness and grateful time together this Thanksgiving.

I want to hear from you! How has appreciating a loved one or a person who’s made a difference in your life touched your heart?

The Affirming Way of Life is a perfect Thanksgiving gift to let someone know how much you appreciate them!

Do You Fear Loved Ones Dying? You’re Not Alone

“The thing about death is that we’re all terrified of it happening and we’re devastated when it does, and we go out of our way to pretend neither of these things is true.”

— Jodi Picoult, The Book of Two Way

I have a habit that I never speak about with others. It’s one of those things I just do automatically. Not every single day, but frequently, I worry about my core people, my husband, my son, and my sister—dying. I angst mostly when they get in a car and drive away. Or, if they’re driving when it’s raining buckets. Or flying. I don’t get butterflies in my stomach or fluttering in my chest, I just pray fervently that they be safe. I do the same for myself because I want to be here with my loved ones as long as possible. I don’t think it’s an unnatural fear, they are my ground, my greatest comforters, my best friends, my family. But I wonder, is this habit of thinking good for me?

How about you. Do you worry about losing your loved ones, too?

The World Gives Us Much Reason to Worry

Forgive me for being morbid and fueling your worries, but it’s no wonder all of us have constant undercurrents of fear. Just turn on the news. We are seeing unprecedented earthquakes, tornadoes, floods, and fires destroying homes and taking lives. Mass shootings. Freakish events like a crane crashing to the sidewalk killing a person on the way to work. And COVID! 687,000 have died, that’s more than the 1918 Spanish flu. Who would have imagined a pandemic in our lifetime? Then there’s all kinds of illnesses that threaten to strike and shorten our loved one’s lives. And let’s not forget all the killing and death we witness in our TV series’, movies, and the books we read.

The reality is—death is the bookend of life, as much as we want to keep it from our doorsteps.

So Much of Life is Out of Our Control

Each of us in our own way construct our life to have predictability, ritual, and stability. It helps us feel safe. Many of us can usually count on having control over who we spend time with, what we do in our free time, what we eat and where we’ll get to sleep. And how lucky we are to have the control we do have!

But so much of life is out of our control and laced with uncertainty. How our body and those of our loved ones will react and change over time; how other’s will behave and respond; weather and disasters; what happens to us because we are in a certain place at a certain time. All this and more perpetuate my fear of losing my loved ones! Can you relate?

David Kessler, author of Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, says,

“Fear doesn’t stop death; fear stops life.”

Fear stops life… such a powerful realization and motivator to get control of our fear. I found some interesting things people are doing to make peace with their fear of death. There are death doulas or death midwives, usually women, who understand the process of death and help families cope with a dying loved one by assisting them with all the tasks of dying aside from the medical ones. Their gift is enabling the living and dying to talk about the experience and integrate it as a natural part of life. I remember when my Aunt Laura was dying of brain cancer. I knew when it was the last time I’d see her. I so wanted to express my love and say goodbye, but my family was in denial pretending she was going to get better. I felt cheated. How helpful a doula could have been.

People who want to talk about their fears of death, like I’m doing now, can go to groups called death cafes where people meet to discuss with others their fears of death and dying in a supportive unstructured way. Believe it or not, there are over 10,000 groups worldwide in over 80 countries. Dealing with death fears is obviously on a lot of people’s minds! There’s a local chapter in East Windsor. For more information you can reach out to Laurie at rblau@comcast.net.

We Can Counteract Fear of Death Thoughts

1.     The first step in transforming or managing our fearful thoughts is to recognize them and why we have them. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to openly own my fears of losing my dearest loved ones. I just don’t want to imagine life without them. I feel so grateful for all they each bring into my life. I especially want my son Theo and his new wife Sarah to have a very long blessed life. They’re so young with so much positive possibility ahead of them. And truly for my husband, my sister and myself, I pray for the blessing of continued growing, loving, and the joy of our togetherness. How about you? What is the root of your fears of loss?

2.     The antidote to our fear for the safety of our loved ones is to deliberately create positive thoughts to counteract our negative repetitive thinking. I asked my sister Lois if she fears her daughters or me dying. She said, “I rarely do. I just hold continuous positive visions of each of you going through your day and your life.” I pray and ask for divine intervention. But now openly admitting my fearful negative visions, I am going to picture each of them happily going through their day then returning safely to their homes at night. Thankfully our thoughts and mental images are within our control.

 Research in neuropsychology reveals retraining our minds is possible but requires steady, patient effort. (And it’s well worth it.) The exciting thing is that because of our brain’s neuroplasticity, we can retrain and reshape our brains to be positive at any age.

Some reading to support you in retraining your brain: Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm and Confidence by Rick Hanson. The Wise Heart: A Guide to the Universal Teachings of Buddhist Psychology by Jack Kornfield. The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good by Gail Siggelakis (me!)

As I said, death is the bookend of life, and a part of life we’d naturally like to banish. But since it’s an impossibility, why not take actions that are in your control. Talk about your feelings about loss with others you trust or an organized group. Then replace fear thoughts with daily positive affirmations about your loved ones and your own well-being.  Unleash new positive possibilities by going a step further—let your loved ones know how much they mean to you, often!

The Affirming Way of Life is available on Amazon and can be a great uplift for yourself or a loved one.