Do You Fear Loved Ones Dying? You’re Not Alone

“The thing about death is that we’re all terrified of it happening and we’re devastated when it does, and we go out of our way to pretend neither of these things is true.”

— Jodi Picoult, The Book of Two Way

I have a habit that I never speak about with others. It’s one of those things I just do automatically. Not every single day, but frequently, I worry about my core people, my husband, my son, and my sister—dying. I angst mostly when they get in a car and drive away. Or, if they’re driving when it’s raining buckets. Or flying. I don’t get butterflies in my stomach or fluttering in my chest, I just pray fervently that they be safe. I do the same for myself because I want to be here with my loved ones as long as possible. I don’t think it’s an unnatural fear, they are my ground, my greatest comforters, my best friends, my family. But I wonder, is this habit of thinking good for me?

How about you. Do you worry about losing your loved ones, too?

The World Gives Us Much Reason to Worry

Forgive me for being morbid and fueling your worries, but it’s no wonder all of us have constant undercurrents of fear. Just turn on the news. We are seeing unprecedented earthquakes, tornadoes, floods, and fires destroying homes and taking lives. Mass shootings. Freakish events like a crane crashing to the sidewalk killing a person on the way to work. And COVID! 687,000 have died, that’s more than the 1918 Spanish flu. Who would have imagined a pandemic in our lifetime? Then there’s all kinds of illnesses that threaten to strike and shorten our loved one’s lives. And let’s not forget all the killing and death we witness in our TV series’, movies, and the books we read.

The reality is—death is the bookend of life, as much as we want to keep it from our doorsteps.

So Much of Life is Out of Our Control

Each of us in our own way construct our life to have predictability, ritual, and stability. It helps us feel safe. Many of us can usually count on having control over who we spend time with, what we do in our free time, what we eat and where we’ll get to sleep. And how lucky we are to have the control we do have!

But so much of life is out of our control and laced with uncertainty. How our body and those of our loved ones will react and change over time; how other’s will behave and respond; weather and disasters; what happens to us because we are in a certain place at a certain time. All this and more perpetuate my fear of losing my loved ones! Can you relate?

David Kessler, author of Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, says,

“Fear doesn’t stop death; fear stops life.”

Fear stops life… such a powerful realization and motivator to get control of our fear. I found some interesting things people are doing to make peace with their fear of death. There are death doulas or death midwives, usually women, who understand the process of death and help families cope with a dying loved one by assisting them with all the tasks of dying aside from the medical ones. Their gift is enabling the living and dying to talk about the experience and integrate it as a natural part of life. I remember when my Aunt Laura was dying of brain cancer. I knew when it was the last time I’d see her. I so wanted to express my love and say goodbye, but my family was in denial pretending she was going to get better. I felt cheated. How helpful a doula could have been.

People who want to talk about their fears of death, like I’m doing now, can go to groups called death cafes where people meet to discuss with others their fears of death and dying in a supportive unstructured way. Believe it or not, there are over 10,000 groups worldwide in over 80 countries. Dealing with death fears is obviously on a lot of people’s minds! There’s a local chapter in East Windsor. For more information you can reach out to Laurie at rblau@comcast.net.

We Can Counteract Fear of Death Thoughts

1.     The first step in transforming or managing our fearful thoughts is to recognize them and why we have them. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to openly own my fears of losing my dearest loved ones. I just don’t want to imagine life without them. I feel so grateful for all they each bring into my life. I especially want my son Theo and his new wife Sarah to have a very long blessed life. They’re so young with so much positive possibility ahead of them. And truly for my husband, my sister and myself, I pray for the blessing of continued growing, loving, and the joy of our togetherness. How about you? What is the root of your fears of loss?

2.     The antidote to our fear for the safety of our loved ones is to deliberately create positive thoughts to counteract our negative repetitive thinking. I asked my sister Lois if she fears her daughters or me dying. She said, “I rarely do. I just hold continuous positive visions of each of you going through your day and your life.” I pray and ask for divine intervention. But now openly admitting my fearful negative visions, I am going to picture each of them happily going through their day then returning safely to their homes at night. Thankfully our thoughts and mental images are within our control.

 Research in neuropsychology reveals retraining our minds is possible but requires steady, patient effort. (And it’s well worth it.) The exciting thing is that because of our brain’s neuroplasticity, we can retrain and reshape our brains to be positive at any age.

Some reading to support you in retraining your brain: Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm and Confidence by Rick Hanson. The Wise Heart: A Guide to the Universal Teachings of Buddhist Psychology by Jack Kornfield. The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good by Gail Siggelakis (me!)

As I said, death is the bookend of life, and a part of life we’d naturally like to banish. But since it’s an impossibility, why not take actions that are in your control. Talk about your feelings about loss with others you trust or an organized group. Then replace fear thoughts with daily positive affirmations about your loved ones and your own well-being.  Unleash new positive possibilities by going a step further—let your loved ones know how much they mean to you, often!

The Affirming Way of Life is available on Amazon and can be a great uplift for yourself or a loved one.

What’s Stuck with You in 2020? Positive Prep for 2021

heavy, deep snow and our front door was blocked by vast whiteness. With bright, yellow snow shovel in hand, I plugged away at clearing the walk to our door. The problem was, with each shovel-full, half the snow wouldn’t fling away. It remained stuck to the shovel. Banging its edge numerous times on the cement, a beautiful insight began dawning. Hmm. How has 2020 been a wet and heavy snow? And what has stuck with me in a good way during this bleak time of Covid-19 and political upheaval? (I excitedly posted this query first to my Facebook friends if any of you saw it.)

What’s Stuck in A Good Way

I’m thinking of the adaptations I made to continue living peacefully, lovingly, and joyfully. And adaptation is the word! Its definition is a light bulb of what we all have been called to do in 2020: adaptation - the physical or behavioral characteristic of an organism that helps it survive better in its surrounding environment.

The fundamental adaptation that has enabled me to make the best of 2020 is focusing on all I still have.

Most thankfully my loved ones and I are healthy and well. We have our home and plenty of food and toilet paper! I can still take daily walks in the surrounding neighborhoods (mask ready when other walkers are on the street) I can still visit with friends thanks to Zoom, and have actually rekindled and deepened friendships because our weekly visits mean so much more now that our movement out in the world is limited. I can still learn and grow thanks to Zoom and the internet. I decided to take a leap and train as a life coach to develop my skills to more deeply assist others to grow, find fulfillment, balance and joy. Though the course is out of CA my instructor is in NYC. I am amazed! I’ll be certified in February.

And out of all this comes a feeling of deep gratitude. That’s what sticks with me.  Gratitude for all I get to savor. Before Covid I dashed about in my life.

Busily.

Quickly.

 Far and wide.

 Being restricted has stretched me to savor all that’s in my own backyard (as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz might say.)

Nature. My husband. My sister. My son. My friendships. The gift of food.

Here’s the difference: I savor moments that before I dismissed as commonplace; ordinary.

Eating home has been heightened to a new level. Since we can’t go out to restaurants for an uplift, I’ve made meals as deliciously and beautifully as I can to transport my husband and me. Eating on our deck in the past was occasional. But this summer, as we dined outside watching the sky turn shades of pink, I felt just as elevated as if we were in Greece or Italy.

What sticks with me is—it’s all in our perception. If we look with eyes for beauty and all that’s good, that’s what we see. If we treasure our relationships and fully appreciate our dear ones, we can feel quite lucky.

• How about YOU? What positives stick with you from these Covid times? What adaptations have you made to make the most of your life now? What new habits have YOU developed that have brought you peace and pleasure in our more restricted lifestyle?

  
  Taking What’s Stuck into 2021

Now I’m thinking of the word intention and how impactful our intentions are. The definition of intention: a determination to act in a certain way; resolve.

My intention is to take what’s stuck with me –to savor all I have and get to do into 2021.

When I’m eating dinner with Gus, I want to enjoy the conversation, truly listen to him, and appreciate the full flavor of the meal. (Instead of the way I pre-Covid, slapped together a meal which we often ate in front of the TV.)

When I’m studying coaching, my intention is to revel in the new knowledge I’m acquiring and how much I’ll be able to support others in their growth. (Instead of angsting, as I tend to, about my ability to learn it all.)

I will continue my weekly rituals with friends that I’ve forged during Covid times, cherishing our deepening relationships.

• What good rituals from these Covid times do you want to bring into 2021?

  
  As we end 2020, I want to thank you my dear blog readers, for being part of my learning community. I so appreciate your responses to my musings and ideas, you spur me on to spread the good through my blog and work. If even one blog gave you an insight, comfort, or a positive action to take—I am deeply gratified.

Wishing you and your loved ones the healthiest most positive 2021!

A small request: If you’ve enjoyed my blogs please share right now with someone who you think could benefit from them. I appreciate you helping me in my mission to SPREAD THE GOOD!      

The Affirming Way of Life is available in Kindle version and book at Amazon.

Embrace Change: 4 Questions to Help You

As I contemplated what my new blog topic would be this week, a single word floated up in my mind – CHANGE.  I kept hearing the line from Sam Cook’s 1964 song, “A Change is Gonna Come” - it’s been a long time, a long time coming, but I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will.” You are so right, Sam. It’s been a long time, and everything in the world as we know it is shifting.

 The murder of George Floyd, as a result of police brutality, has catalyzed protests for days on end all over the United States and the world. Floyd is the straw that has broken the camel’s back in the abominable injustice of the treatment of Black people. My heart goes out to him and his family, and all Blacks who have lost their lives because of the color of their skin. A change is coming now… coming fast… and its time!

Between the impact of Covid-19 and the George Floyd protests, our way of life has been totally shaken up.

A Wake-up Call

What’s going on?  I ask myself.

There’s obviously a wake-up call we need as a human race, to change our ways before even more cataclysmic things happen.

Not too many years ago, I had a personal wake-up call. A member of my family had her life turned totally upside down. She was at the top of her game professionally, socially and glowing with inner confidence.  Yet, in the blink of an eye, all that crumbled. She was hospitalized for an unexpected health condition, and we who loved her stood by in shock and fear.

Here’s the similarity to what’s going on in the world. I said to myself, if such a big shake-up has occurred there has to be a larger reason as to why. So my loved one and I each asked ourselves these questions:

• What’s to be learned here?

• What do I need to pay more attention to?

• What’s the opportunity?

• How can I change and grow because of this?

And because she seized the moment to do the work that became clear to her, her life now is richer, more grounded, and much happier. But it took concerted attention, effort, support and time.  

I ask myself those same four questions now.

What’s to be learned here? What do I need to pay attention to?

Covid-19 and racial injustice are each about separation and protection.

The Corona Virus forces us to wear masks and stay six feet apart for protection from life-threatening germs. But we’re painfully separated physically and socially from others. Racial injustice leaves Black people unprotected by our law enforcement and judicial  systems because of ingrained societal separation between Whites and Blacks.

The learning to me is to value everyone, those we love, acquaintances, and those who appear different than us. PEOPLE MATTER.

What’s the opportunity? How can I change and grow because of this?

Covid-19 Opportunity: Connect with loved ones

I’ve noticed how important the people in my life are. When we could freely move around in the world, I was busy going, doing and socializing with many and didn’t always give those dearest to me as much time and attention. Here are changes I’ve made:

• I spend quality time with my house-mate, my husband. Dinners, walks, conversations—I give him my full attention now, and of course daily tell him how grateful I am for him. Our relationship has become more precious.

•   I have weekly dates to FaceTime with a sister-friend and my three nieces with their young babies. In the past I’d speak to them occasionally, but now I water the relationships with my time and care and the result is great joy.

•   My son, Theo and his girlfriend, Sarah, come over for a barbecue once a week. They are my heart and I make sure each week to let them know how much they mean to me.

•   Whoever I FaceTime, zoom, or speak with I make sure to affirm them and let them know how much I appreciate them.

Racial Injustice Opportunity: Connect Through Learning and Action

I’m really impressed by all the companies and institutions who are stepping up to raise our consciousness and are taking action. This morning my email was flooded with meaningful response letters to the protest. I am using the following resources to learn and grow.

• Coursera, a fabulous online opportunity to take free classes from outstanding universities is offering fourteen courses on anti-racism, social justice and inclusion from universities like Stanford, Vanderbilt, Emory, Weslyan, U of Michigan and Rutgers. I’m signing up for one this week, to raise my consciousness.

• My husband and I are taking an online course with the great Buddhist teacher, Jack Kornfield, entitled Keeping a Steady Heart in Uncertain Times. At his website he offers a list, “75 Things White People Can Do for Racial Justice,” with actions we can take now.

• Support legislators and leaders who are advocating for humane treatment and protection of the rights of all people. Reach out and affirm them and give them your vote!

Why not ask yourself the four questions and reflect on the meaning of this shake-up for you. Then decide to begin to make some changes starting today!