Have You Been Shoulding on Yourself? A Fresh Perspective on How Your Words Affect You

We’re having a new closet system put into our walk-in closet next week. I just got so sick of seeing the piles of clothing on the floor, and the shelves overflowing to the ceiling, that I said, “Gail, make the investment!” In the process my husband Gus and I have given away at least 10 big black garbage bags of clothing and it feels so good! As we looked at item by item, I thought of Marie Kondo, the famed declutterer, and her simple statement “Does it spark joy?” It was just so clear which clothes didn’t bring us good energy.

Clothes shedding made me think of another purge I’ve been engaged in, inwardly. The purge of words. A while back I read a book, in which a particular idea stuck with me—our words create our reality. I’ve pondered this quite a bit. The words we use to describe ourselves, our home, our loved ones, our work, our health… shape how we see our life, and what’s more how we live our life.

How Our Words Create Our Reality

I know this is true when I think about how specific words I say make me feel. One of my debilitating words is, “It’s hard for me to do.” That is my old go-to statement I make when I’m learning something new that’s challenging me. When I say it’s hard, I feel like a helpless child or a limp ragdoll. It literally drains me of all the strength and motivation I need for my challenge.

Research says, words resonate in our body as thoughts do. When we use a word, we’re in effect ingesting them into our system. Like food, our words can nourish or poison us. In a sense our words become our biology and affect us mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

My word purge began organically with a simple verb—SHOULD.  When I hear myself say things like, “I should exercise…,” “I should get off the phone…,” “I should go to bed by 9:45…,” “I should make dinner…” I feel drained and almost like a child having a tantrum beating their fists on the floor screaming, “but I don’t want to!”  Should is a word that summons guilt. It reminds us of the commitments we are trying to keep to ourselves, but that we just don’t feel like doing in the moment! Isn’t that so true of so many of our best habits. We know our habits are good for us, or necessary to be good to our loved ones, but we don’t always feel the motivation to do them.

From this perspective should guides us to do healthy positive behaviors. The problem is it’s like a parent with the best intentions, who criticizes their child to motivate them to be their best selves. The child ends up feeling bad about themselves and may even do the opposite. Guilt drains our energy. Which may make it even harder to act on our good intentions. And as neuroscience explains, when we feel the emotion of guilt it triggers a well-worn path in our brains of other experiences of guilt, flooding us with disempowering thoughts and memories.

Here's an alternative to should and guilt. When you hear yourself say, I should…, stop yourself in your tracks, and say, I get to… or I want to… or I will. Here’s what it would sound like:

·       I get to exercise…

·       I want to go to bed by 9:45…

·       I will make dinner…

These alternative phrases remind you of the privilege and opportunity it is to do the things you care about and are committed to even when you don’t feel like it. It’s a positive internal shift of perspective on our commitments to ourselves and our dear ones.

For me it’s a wonderful empowering shake-up. Yes, Gail, how lucky you are to get to exercise. You have the time, the health, it energizes you, and keeps your weight in check! Try it and see for yourself.

Your Takeaways

1.     Notice the energy zapping word you want to replace. Besides should, it might be have to, must, ought to.

2.     Play a game with yourself and each time you hear your disempowering word in your spoken or inner language, stop it in its tracks! You might say to it, STOP, don’t go there!

3.     Replace your energy zapping word with an empowering word, like I get to, I want to, or I will.

4.     Recognize you’re reprogramming your mind, body, emotions and spirit by a word choice that opens positive energy to flow through you.

WHY NOT take control of your well-being with a healthy word choice diet!

I have a small request. If you read my blog and enjoy any part of it, could you send me a comment? One line would be fine! I write with the intent to support you and all my readers in living your most positive healthy life. I’d love to know if I’m making a difference. Thanks much, I so appreciate you are out there and we are connected in beinging our best and spreading the best in our world together!

What’s Stuck with You in 2020? Positive Prep for 2021

heavy, deep snow and our front door was blocked by vast whiteness. With bright, yellow snow shovel in hand, I plugged away at clearing the walk to our door. The problem was, with each shovel-full, half the snow wouldn’t fling away. It remained stuck to the shovel. Banging its edge numerous times on the cement, a beautiful insight began dawning. Hmm. How has 2020 been a wet and heavy snow? And what has stuck with me in a good way during this bleak time of Covid-19 and political upheaval? (I excitedly posted this query first to my Facebook friends if any of you saw it.)

What’s Stuck in A Good Way

I’m thinking of the adaptations I made to continue living peacefully, lovingly, and joyfully. And adaptation is the word! Its definition is a light bulb of what we all have been called to do in 2020: adaptation - the physical or behavioral characteristic of an organism that helps it survive better in its surrounding environment.

The fundamental adaptation that has enabled me to make the best of 2020 is focusing on all I still have.

Most thankfully my loved ones and I are healthy and well. We have our home and plenty of food and toilet paper! I can still take daily walks in the surrounding neighborhoods (mask ready when other walkers are on the street) I can still visit with friends thanks to Zoom, and have actually rekindled and deepened friendships because our weekly visits mean so much more now that our movement out in the world is limited. I can still learn and grow thanks to Zoom and the internet. I decided to take a leap and train as a life coach to develop my skills to more deeply assist others to grow, find fulfillment, balance and joy. Though the course is out of CA my instructor is in NYC. I am amazed! I’ll be certified in February.

And out of all this comes a feeling of deep gratitude. That’s what sticks with me.  Gratitude for all I get to savor. Before Covid I dashed about in my life.

Busily.

Quickly.

 Far and wide.

 Being restricted has stretched me to savor all that’s in my own backyard (as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz might say.)

Nature. My husband. My sister. My son. My friendships. The gift of food.

Here’s the difference: I savor moments that before I dismissed as commonplace; ordinary.

Eating home has been heightened to a new level. Since we can’t go out to restaurants for an uplift, I’ve made meals as deliciously and beautifully as I can to transport my husband and me. Eating on our deck in the past was occasional. But this summer, as we dined outside watching the sky turn shades of pink, I felt just as elevated as if we were in Greece or Italy.

What sticks with me is—it’s all in our perception. If we look with eyes for beauty and all that’s good, that’s what we see. If we treasure our relationships and fully appreciate our dear ones, we can feel quite lucky.

• How about YOU? What positives stick with you from these Covid times? What adaptations have you made to make the most of your life now? What new habits have YOU developed that have brought you peace and pleasure in our more restricted lifestyle?

  
  Taking What’s Stuck into 2021

Now I’m thinking of the word intention and how impactful our intentions are. The definition of intention: a determination to act in a certain way; resolve.

My intention is to take what’s stuck with me –to savor all I have and get to do into 2021.

When I’m eating dinner with Gus, I want to enjoy the conversation, truly listen to him, and appreciate the full flavor of the meal. (Instead of the way I pre-Covid, slapped together a meal which we often ate in front of the TV.)

When I’m studying coaching, my intention is to revel in the new knowledge I’m acquiring and how much I’ll be able to support others in their growth. (Instead of angsting, as I tend to, about my ability to learn it all.)

I will continue my weekly rituals with friends that I’ve forged during Covid times, cherishing our deepening relationships.

• What good rituals from these Covid times do you want to bring into 2021?

  
  As we end 2020, I want to thank you my dear blog readers, for being part of my learning community. I so appreciate your responses to my musings and ideas, you spur me on to spread the good through my blog and work. If even one blog gave you an insight, comfort, or a positive action to take—I am deeply gratified.

Wishing you and your loved ones the healthiest most positive 2021!

A small request: If you’ve enjoyed my blogs please share right now with someone who you think could benefit from them. I appreciate you helping me in my mission to SPREAD THE GOOD!      

The Affirming Way of Life is available in Kindle version and book at Amazon.