Do You Fear Loved Ones Dying? You’re Not Alone

“The thing about death is that we’re all terrified of it happening and we’re devastated when it does, and we go out of our way to pretend neither of these things is true.”

— Jodi Picoult, The Book of Two Way

I have a habit that I never speak about with others. It’s one of those things I just do automatically. Not every single day, but frequently, I worry about my core people, my husband, my son, and my sister—dying. I angst mostly when they get in a car and drive away. Or, if they’re driving when it’s raining buckets. Or flying. I don’t get butterflies in my stomach or fluttering in my chest, I just pray fervently that they be safe. I do the same for myself because I want to be here with my loved ones as long as possible. I don’t think it’s an unnatural fear, they are my ground, my greatest comforters, my best friends, my family. But I wonder, is this habit of thinking good for me?

How about you. Do you worry about losing your loved ones, too?

The World Gives Us Much Reason to Worry

Forgive me for being morbid and fueling your worries, but it’s no wonder all of us have constant undercurrents of fear. Just turn on the news. We are seeing unprecedented earthquakes, tornadoes, floods, and fires destroying homes and taking lives. Mass shootings. Freakish events like a crane crashing to the sidewalk killing a person on the way to work. And COVID! 687,000 have died, that’s more than the 1918 Spanish flu. Who would have imagined a pandemic in our lifetime? Then there’s all kinds of illnesses that threaten to strike and shorten our loved one’s lives. And let’s not forget all the killing and death we witness in our TV series’, movies, and the books we read.

The reality is—death is the bookend of life, as much as we want to keep it from our doorsteps.

So Much of Life is Out of Our Control

Each of us in our own way construct our life to have predictability, ritual, and stability. It helps us feel safe. Many of us can usually count on having control over who we spend time with, what we do in our free time, what we eat and where we’ll get to sleep. And how lucky we are to have the control we do have!

But so much of life is out of our control and laced with uncertainty. How our body and those of our loved ones will react and change over time; how other’s will behave and respond; weather and disasters; what happens to us because we are in a certain place at a certain time. All this and more perpetuate my fear of losing my loved ones! Can you relate?

David Kessler, author of Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, says,

“Fear doesn’t stop death; fear stops life.”

Fear stops life… such a powerful realization and motivator to get control of our fear. I found some interesting things people are doing to make peace with their fear of death. There are death doulas or death midwives, usually women, who understand the process of death and help families cope with a dying loved one by assisting them with all the tasks of dying aside from the medical ones. Their gift is enabling the living and dying to talk about the experience and integrate it as a natural part of life. I remember when my Aunt Laura was dying of brain cancer. I knew when it was the last time I’d see her. I so wanted to express my love and say goodbye, but my family was in denial pretending she was going to get better. I felt cheated. How helpful a doula could have been.

People who want to talk about their fears of death, like I’m doing now, can go to groups called death cafes where people meet to discuss with others their fears of death and dying in a supportive unstructured way. Believe it or not, there are over 10,000 groups worldwide in over 80 countries. Dealing with death fears is obviously on a lot of people’s minds! There’s a local chapter in East Windsor. For more information you can reach out to Laurie at rblau@comcast.net.

We Can Counteract Fear of Death Thoughts

1.     The first step in transforming or managing our fearful thoughts is to recognize them and why we have them. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to openly own my fears of losing my dearest loved ones. I just don’t want to imagine life without them. I feel so grateful for all they each bring into my life. I especially want my son Theo and his new wife Sarah to have a very long blessed life. They’re so young with so much positive possibility ahead of them. And truly for my husband, my sister and myself, I pray for the blessing of continued growing, loving, and the joy of our togetherness. How about you? What is the root of your fears of loss?

2.     The antidote to our fear for the safety of our loved ones is to deliberately create positive thoughts to counteract our negative repetitive thinking. I asked my sister Lois if she fears her daughters or me dying. She said, “I rarely do. I just hold continuous positive visions of each of you going through your day and your life.” I pray and ask for divine intervention. But now openly admitting my fearful negative visions, I am going to picture each of them happily going through their day then returning safely to their homes at night. Thankfully our thoughts and mental images are within our control.

 Research in neuropsychology reveals retraining our minds is possible but requires steady, patient effort. (And it’s well worth it.) The exciting thing is that because of our brain’s neuroplasticity, we can retrain and reshape our brains to be positive at any age.

Some reading to support you in retraining your brain: Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm and Confidence by Rick Hanson. The Wise Heart: A Guide to the Universal Teachings of Buddhist Psychology by Jack Kornfield. The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good by Gail Siggelakis (me!)

As I said, death is the bookend of life, and a part of life we’d naturally like to banish. But since it’s an impossibility, why not take actions that are in your control. Talk about your feelings about loss with others you trust or an organized group. Then replace fear thoughts with daily positive affirmations about your loved ones and your own well-being.  Unleash new positive possibilities by going a step further—let your loved ones know how much they mean to you, often!

The Affirming Way of Life is available on Amazon and can be a great uplift for yourself or a loved one.

Putting Heart into Your Celebrations

When it comes to birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions, most people celebrate with a meal and presents. But I’m wondering, how often do you tell the celebrant how much they mean to you? For most of us the answer is—never! Yet the value of expressing your heart can be more precious than a new computer or diamond earrings. Words from the heart enter the heart. They build our dear one’s sense of self and deepen our relationships

The Ritual

I give credit to my oldest, dearest friend, Lynnie for developing this ritual. Thirty years ago, over a birthday sushi dinner out, she said, “Before I give you your present, I want to celebrate who you are.” She then described qualities of mine she treasured and the joy and meaning my friendship brought into her life. I glowed. I was bowled over.  Her words made me feel that my presence in her world and the larger world—mattered, deeply. I felt enveloped in a magical moment.

Then she said, “Now I want to know your vision for your new year of life.” She gave me the opportunity to reflect on my goals and dreams, helping me to set a positive intention for my year.

It was such a powerful experience. More valuable than being treated to dinner and a gift, her focus on celebrating my life and caring about the way I moved forward in my new year touched my heart. And it was my joy to do the same for her when her birthday came around.

Lynnie and I eagerly anticipate our birthday ritual every year. She lives in California now, so we affirm and envision over FaceTime. Days before her birthday I begin thinking about what I appreciate, admire and value about her. Some traits come up year after year, yet there’s always something new. And the amazing thing is, I may even feel happier celebrating her than being celebrated. Here’s some convincing reasons (I think) to putting the heart into your birthday celebrations:

The Benefits

1.     Build Dear Ones Sense of Self: We all are just the way we are, until someone who notices a sterling trait in us is generous enough to tell us. Then we see it, too. Letting a dear one know what you value about them, builds their sense of self. Think of it. What would your life be like without the appreciative, sometimes admiring words of loved ones? (While I wrote my book and afterwards, part of Lynnie’s birthday affirmation was you are the most disciplined persevering person I know. Those words spur me on with my goals. I will tell you, there was a time in my life when that was the furthest from reality. Hearing my developing traits named helped cement them as part of my sense of self.)

2.     Strengthen Relationship Bonds: We assume others know how we feel. Maybe. But it is so confirming to hear someone tell you how much they value you! Our affirming words weave invisible threads between us and our dear ones. The other night, my husband Gus and I took out a friend for his 80th birthday. Over a toast to Jim I said, “You are our role model for youthful living. You live with such zest. We could never keep up with you bike riding. Your open-minded and open-hearted way of living makes us treasure your friendship!” The joy in his face was palpable and his email of appreciation emphasized how much my words meant. I can literally feel the stronger threads of our connection.

3.     Change Your Brain for the Better: This might excite you the most. Positive psychologists have found that our brains are wired to be negatively biased, meaning we tend to see what’s wrong with ourselves and others more than what’s right. But here’s the good news. Our brain structure is malleable. It can be changed.  Each time we savor a positive experience for 5-10 seconds, we shift our brain to be positively oriented. That means affirming another or being affirmed ourselves, contributes to making our brain and mindset more positive. And who doesn’t want to feel more positive?! To learn more read, Hardwiring Happiness: the New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence, by Rick Hanson, Ph.D.  

Another Way

If you’re not comfortable speaking your appreciation and praise verbally, you can celebrate your dear ones by writing what you love about them in a card. Personalized messages in cards are such a treasure. Every card my son (who’s 30 now) gives me I keep and use as bookmarks. I read and reread his messages that confirm to me I am a success at mothering and make me feel so close to him. In one he says, “Many times I find myself reframing my perspective to look at life the way you do. You are the most dedicated mom. Dedicated to my happiness, success and love of life. May we spend lots of time loving our life and relationship.” His words are pure gold to me.

Why not celebrate your dear ones by expressing what you love appreciate and value in them verbally, in writing, or both ways! You will bring them joy and greatly endear your relationship.

Gail’s book makes a perfect gift for someone wanting more positivity in their life. It’s also a great summer read! She is a life coach. Visit her website uppcoach.com to learn more and contact her.