Putting Heart into Your Celebrations

When it comes to birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions, most people celebrate with a meal and presents. But I’m wondering, how often do you tell the celebrant how much they mean to you? For most of us the answer is—never! Yet the value of expressing your heart can be more precious than a new computer or diamond earrings. Words from the heart enter the heart. They build our dear one’s sense of self and deepen our relationships

The Ritual

I give credit to my oldest, dearest friend, Lynnie for developing this ritual. Thirty years ago, over a birthday sushi dinner out, she said, “Before I give you your present, I want to celebrate who you are.” She then described qualities of mine she treasured and the joy and meaning my friendship brought into her life. I glowed. I was bowled over.  Her words made me feel that my presence in her world and the larger world—mattered, deeply. I felt enveloped in a magical moment.

Then she said, “Now I want to know your vision for your new year of life.” She gave me the opportunity to reflect on my goals and dreams, helping me to set a positive intention for my year.

It was such a powerful experience. More valuable than being treated to dinner and a gift, her focus on celebrating my life and caring about the way I moved forward in my new year touched my heart. And it was my joy to do the same for her when her birthday came around.

Lynnie and I eagerly anticipate our birthday ritual every year. She lives in California now, so we affirm and envision over FaceTime. Days before her birthday I begin thinking about what I appreciate, admire and value about her. Some traits come up year after year, yet there’s always something new. And the amazing thing is, I may even feel happier celebrating her than being celebrated. Here’s some convincing reasons (I think) to putting the heart into your birthday celebrations:

The Benefits

1.     Build Dear Ones Sense of Self: We all are just the way we are, until someone who notices a sterling trait in us is generous enough to tell us. Then we see it, too. Letting a dear one know what you value about them, builds their sense of self. Think of it. What would your life be like without the appreciative, sometimes admiring words of loved ones? (While I wrote my book and afterwards, part of Lynnie’s birthday affirmation was you are the most disciplined persevering person I know. Those words spur me on with my goals. I will tell you, there was a time in my life when that was the furthest from reality. Hearing my developing traits named helped cement them as part of my sense of self.)

2.     Strengthen Relationship Bonds: We assume others know how we feel. Maybe. But it is so confirming to hear someone tell you how much they value you! Our affirming words weave invisible threads between us and our dear ones. The other night, my husband Gus and I took out a friend for his 80th birthday. Over a toast to Jim I said, “You are our role model for youthful living. You live with such zest. We could never keep up with you bike riding. Your open-minded and open-hearted way of living makes us treasure your friendship!” The joy in his face was palpable and his email of appreciation emphasized how much my words meant. I can literally feel the stronger threads of our connection.

3.     Change Your Brain for the Better: This might excite you the most. Positive psychologists have found that our brains are wired to be negatively biased, meaning we tend to see what’s wrong with ourselves and others more than what’s right. But here’s the good news. Our brain structure is malleable. It can be changed.  Each time we savor a positive experience for 5-10 seconds, we shift our brain to be positively oriented. That means affirming another or being affirmed ourselves, contributes to making our brain and mindset more positive. And who doesn’t want to feel more positive?! To learn more read, Hardwiring Happiness: the New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence, by Rick Hanson, Ph.D.  

Another Way

If you’re not comfortable speaking your appreciation and praise verbally, you can celebrate your dear ones by writing what you love about them in a card. Personalized messages in cards are such a treasure. Every card my son (who’s 30 now) gives me I keep and use as bookmarks. I read and reread his messages that confirm to me I am a success at mothering and make me feel so close to him. In one he says, “Many times I find myself reframing my perspective to look at life the way you do. You are the most dedicated mom. Dedicated to my happiness, success and love of life. May we spend lots of time loving our life and relationship.” His words are pure gold to me.

Why not celebrate your dear ones by expressing what you love appreciate and value in them verbally, in writing, or both ways! You will bring them joy and greatly endear your relationship.

Gail’s book makes a perfect gift for someone wanting more positivity in their life. It’s also a great summer read! She is a life coach. Visit her website uppcoach.com to learn more and contact her.

Relationships are Messy: Some Keys to Embracing the Messiness

““Nothing is perfect. Life is messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational.””

— Hugh MacKay

My husband Gus and I just finished watching the Netflix series Last Tango in Halifax. The jumble of thoughts and good feelings I am left with inspire me to explore the messiness of relationships. Ooh, can they be messy!

The two main characters, Celia and Alan in their mid-seventies, are widowed childhood sweethearts who are reunited via Facebook after over fifty years thanks to the prompting of their grandchildren. It gets interesting when they marry and their very different and complex families are joined together. (Alan’s only daughter is a survivor of abuse and a sheep farmer, Celia’s is an Oxford-educated principal of a private school, recently out as a lesbian.) There’s a little of everything—unfaithfulness, homosexuality, interracial relationships, teenage pregnancy, past physical abuse, and alcoholism. All that messiness on top of differences of age, stages of life, wealth, personality styles, and politics. But here’s the thing, that’s merely the backdrop. What’s really intriguing is how all these relationships seem to work with moments of laughter and joy despite their issues and differences. 

Embrace Your Loved Ones

The glue, the magic that make all this possible—is that they embrace one another.

Ah, embrace. How do we embrace family, friends, our spouse, a partner, siblings, our children, or co-workers when we can be so different from one another and downright disagreeable at times?

I’m thinking of my husband Gus’s big (not fat) Greek family. Our backgrounds are polar opposite. I was the first non-Greek to come into their family which wasn’t easy. They came from a small Greek mountain village to Perth Amboy, I came from Brooklyn to the NJ suburbs. Some family members spout political beliefs that make me cringe, and I’ve received a number of insulting remarks over the years. But I come back. I go to every holiday gathering. Why? They are an extension of my husband. I embrace them as part of embracing Gus. I look beyond the harder parts to what’s good. I love being part of a huge family who cook amazing Greek food. They’re animated, jovial, and each sister in her own way has been kind and embracing of me. And here’s another piece: Gus has offered the same acceptance of my family. As wonderful as most of them are, there have been a couple who have been torture for him to deal with.

Some Keys to Embracing the Messiness

1.    Own your own imperfections. Yes. Remind yourself that whatever traits or behaviors you find annoying in family and friends, you have your own share. It’s become a mantra for me, if I comment on a negative trait in another, I follow with ‘and I know I’m not perfect either.’ (Thank God!) Acceptance of others is rooted in acceptance of ourselves. We’re all human.

2.    Focus on the good in others. It’s human nature to see what’s wrong and what’s missing with others. But we can make an intentional mindshift and focus on what’s good in the people in our life to bring so much more good energy to our relationships. Relationship expert, John Gottman of the Gottman Institute, says that the difference between happy and unhappy couples is a 5 to 1 balance between positive and negative interactions in the relationship. I find I feel better about the people in my life if I think about what I appreciate about them. And it makes it even better when I affirm them and let them know my good feelings.

3.    Admit when you’re wrong and make amends. We all screw up, say things we shouldn’t and wish we hadn’t. Own up to it when you do, it keeps the door open in your relationships.

4.    Create rituals to connect and be together. In Last Tango in Halifax what moved me was the way the families came together for dinners and celebrations despite their disagreements. For happy or sad occasions and holidays we get together with Gus’s family. I wouldn’t miss any of the gatherings. I’m there to let them know that I respect and care about them. Family/friends matter. Opening our hearts and minds to others has huge benefits. Being part of our messy relationships offers us the gifts of inclusion and connection. 

So many of us have felt isolated during the pandemic, when we couldn’t gather or hug our extended family and friends. Why not reach out and embrace your people, messiness and all!

Why not share the gift of The Affirming Way of Life as a summer read with some one you care about!