It’s February, and what better time than now to tune-up our relationships.
Do your eyes gloss over listening to your significant other (or any dear one)?
Do you sometimes think, same old, same old?
Does your relationship feel a little stale or boring?
If you said yes to any of the above, you can make this month the start of a relationship tune-up. And even if you had no resounding yeses, the ideas that follow can add unexpected joy, pleasure and closeness to your love connections.
Preoccupied and Stressed
I hear the garage door open and the sound of Gus’s leather shoes shuffling on our kitchen tile floor. “Uhh. Already?” I’m in the middle of writing this article at my computer desk, in my writing room, and don’t want to stop. “Hi Honey,” I shout out. I continue my writing for at least 15 minutes before I mosey out to begin dinner.
I’m preoccupied.
What message am I giving my husband? What I’m writing is more important than him. (I ask him how it makes him feel when I don’t come out to greet him. He says, “I’m used to it.” Hmmm.)
Gus stretches out to watch TV on the couch in our family room. I’m feeling frustrated that I didn’t write as much as I’d hoped to. I gaze at him and think, “Always watching TV! Can’t he find something else to do?”
My own negative feelings are spilling over to the way I view my husband.
When I sit down to talk with Gus, he’s unresponsive, just staring at the TV. “Honey, is anything wrong?”
“I’m tired. I’m not in the mood to talk now.”
He’s stressed. Unresolved work issues and complications dominate his thoughts. And I did ignore him! (It took me many years to not take his being uncommunicative personally.)
We get so caught up in our outside world we forget about our inside world – our heart, our connection with our loved ones.
Make Your Loved One a Priority
We all ignore our loved ones at times, and even though our goals, tasks and projects can consume us, here’s a little reminder I ask myself that may help you: What would my life be without my husband? (You can substitute son, daughter, sibling, friend… you get the picture.)
I’ve developed a practice that reminds me how precious my husband is. I thank God for him daily. Gratitude. Sometime in the day, (often as I walk up the stairs), I think of all the good he brings into my life, our son Theo’s, and that of our daughter-in-law Sarah. The same things come to mind, yet new things crop up, too.
I am intentional about valuing my husband, regardless of passing feelings of sameness, or other pressing thoughts.
But of course, what is valuing another without showing and telling them?
Four Tips to Spark the Love in Your Life
1. Say thank you every day. Take a moment to appreciate whatever your loved one has done for you and let them know in an extended thank you, how much what they’ve done means to you. The littlest thing like ‘takes out the garbage,’ expressed sincerely makes your loved one feel valued. I don’t usually thank Gus for taking out the garbage which he has been doing for 32 years. Today I did, though. “Thanks, honey, for braving the cold to get our garbage out on time. I so appreciate that you do that, and I don’t have to.” Gus gave me a tighter hug this morning before he left for work. I smiled inside.
· Gus and I both say thank you often. It creates an atmosphere of respect and appreciation that feels good.
2. Share something you love, admire or appreciate about your loved one daily. It’s about putting good energy into your relationship, intentionally. I’m thinking of our cars. If we didn’t fill them with gas, they’d be stationary and wouldn’t take us anywhere. Affirming our loved ones daily is keeping our relationship tanks full so our relationships keep moving in a satisfying forward direction.
· When I pause to appreciate my husband (or any loved one) it’s in the small details of life that I find what I love and the words to say it: “I love that you do what you say you’ll do.” “I love the way you appreciate whatever I make you for dinner.” “I love the way you make me feel.” “I love the way you see the best in me even when I don’t.” “I appreciate the way you tolerate my idiosyncrasies and make jokes about them.”
· One of the gifts of affirming my husband daily, is that he’s more affirming of me, too. The good energy flows back and forth.
3. Make rituals of connection – carve out time together. During a time in our relationships when Gus and I had drifted apart, we sat down and brainstormed the things we both enjoyed so we could reconnect. Then we began putting those dates on our calendar. The more fun things we did the more the good energy began flowing between us.
· For us it was traveling, hiking, shows, movies, dinners with friends. How about you?
4. Start a ritual of hugging at the start and end of your day. A full three breath hug and add a kiss in, too! I didn’t always do this. But since we started it definitely solidifies the care and pleasure of our relationship.
And Especially on Valentine’s Day
Gus says to tell you all, “Make a list (before V Day) of five things you love and appreciate about your sweetheart,” and tell them on Valentine’s Day. Right from my formerly not-an-affirmer husband!
Let this month be the start of intentionally cherishing your loved ones and creating the flowing love you seek!
Gail loves nothing more than speaking to groups about ways to improve their relationships and connections at home or work; how to develop a positive mindset; and how to create a balanced life you love. You can contact her for more information at gail@theaffirmingway.com.
Want individual help to make a transition or create more fulfillment in your life? Contact Gail for coaching at gail@uppcoach.com. And go to her website www.uppcoach.com to learn more and read reviews of her transformational support.
