Thanksgiving Month: A Way to Celebrate the Goodness

There’s no better time than Thanksgiving month to open our hearts and minds to the gift of gratitude. Yes, gratitude is the simple key to celebrate all the good that we just haven’t had eyes to see. It’s even more inviting to explore gratitude when you learn from the Harvard Medical School Bulletin that gratitude is consistently associated with greater happiness, improved health, stronger relationships, and the ability to deal with adversity.

Gratitude is a thankful appreciation for what an individual receives, whether materially or emotionally. When grateful, we recognize the goodness we are receiving comes from outside ourselves. It may be from nature, a higher power, or other people. Each of these sources are essential. But for Thanksgiving month I want to focus on gratitude for other people.

What would our lives be without the people that love and accept us as we are? Their care and support are what sustain us. But how often do we pause to appreciate how much the people in our lives mean to us?

A Personal Story About Appreciating Our People

Recently, I had a big birthday. Frankly the number wowed me! I thought how can I be that old? Reaching this age (aren’t you curious what it is) I wanted to gather all the people I consider my tribe together to celebrate with me. Unfortunately, because of Covid, I limited the party to 30, outdoors on my deck. Acknowledging milestones with words has always been important to me, so for weeks leading up to the party I reflected on the people I invited and how much they meant to me and helped shape my life. 

I call my husband, my sister, and my son—my triumvirate. They are my people who see my strengths and affirm me for them. They make me feel good about being myself and accept my less than stellar traits. They encourage me when I’m reaching for a goal and make me feel loved and appreciated. So, I said exactly that to each of them personally then publicly at my party.

Not everyone is comfortable expressing their appreciation to others. Here’s how I said it to my husband as an example: “Honey, on turning ___, I paused to reflect on my gifts, and you were right there at the top. I’m so grateful for the way you love me and appreciate me just for being me. I feel so supported by your encouragement with my goals. I am blessed with you.”  Any one of the statements I made would be enough.

Reflecting on the goodness my extended family and friends bring to my life, I realize they are each a positive influence and support me in creating a life I love. My cousins are models of family devotion and raising kids well. My friends have inspired me to write my book, travel, enjoy theatre, love outdoor adventures, be a good listener and communicator, be assertive and strong, have a good marriage, and they too make me feel loved and valued. So, at my party, I thanked them all with a grateful heart. Joy abounded.

Appreciation, A Gift to the Giver and the Receiver

Pausing to appreciate the people who most touch our life begins as a gift for ourselves. When I reflected on the goodness my family and friends brought into my life, I felt mightily blessed. How often do we stop and appreciate the difference someone makes in our life? Not very often for most of us. We’re too busy living and managing responsibilities or mulling over grievances in our minds. We’re human.  A grateful pause gets us to stop and savor the good ways others affect us that often go unnoticed and unacknowledged.

When we express our discovered appreciation the gift quadruples. You now get to be the conveyer of a gift more precious than jewelry or some new tech item. Appreciative words say to the receiver, you matter. Your life has value to me. Our words become a gift they can hold within their heart and repeat to themselves when they need a little uplift. But there’s further benefits for you! As you express your appreciation, you re-experience the joy of the goodness they bring and over time continuing to express appreciation makes your relationship warmer and closer. I can vouch for what I’m saying!

My November Tips for You

Appreciate two people to make it doable.

1.     Choose a person you see every day or often and reflect on the goodness they bring into your life. Do they do things that make your life easier? Do they uplift you with their humor or positivity? Do you feel valued by them? Can you count on them? Are they comforting or make you feel secure? Do you have fun with them? Take in the good they bring whatever it is and be bold and tell them. Savor the joy of sharing your appreciation.

2.     Choose another person that you might not see often that has had an important impact on your life. Take in the goodness they’ve brought then call, email, send a card, or visit and share your appreciation.

I’m hoping taking the grateful pause and expressing appreciation feels so good that it becomes a part of your life. There’s so much to be grateful for—this month choose people. Wishing you and your family health and happiness and grateful time together this Thanksgiving.

I want to hear from you! How has appreciating a loved one or a person who’s made a difference in your life touched your heart?

The Affirming Way of Life is a perfect Thanksgiving gift to let someone know how much you appreciate them!

5 Tips for Growing the Love in Your Relationship

“Don’t assume your partner knows all the ways that you love them. Sometimes they need to hear it! Loving out loud can build a healthy relationship..”

— John and Julie Gottman

I may be putting you on the spot, but have you in the past week told your partner how much they mean to you? I’m thinking of something from the heart like, “Knowing you’re there for me makes me feel so lucky and cared for.” Or a maybe a bit milder like, “I appreciate the way you put up with my meltdown the other day.”

If your answer is no, you’re not alone. Most of us assume our significant other knows how we feel about them so it’s not necessary to express our love or appreciation. Not true! Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute say, “Don’t assume your partner knows all the ways that you love them. Sometimes they need to hear it! Loving out loud can build a healthy relationship.”

I can vouch for the Gottmans’ advice. Consciously choosing to shower my husband Gus with the positives I appreciate about him, rekindled our love and our relationship. If you’ve read my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, you know the story I tell in chapter one on how guilty I was of taking him for granted. We all do that from time to time or even more. Here are five simple tips to get you started creating more loving feelings in your relationship. And the beauty is these tips can get the love flowing with any special person in your life.

Five Tips for Growing the Love in Your Relationship

1.      Look with eyes that see the good. It’s so easy to focus on what’s missing with our loved one, rather than the good that’s there. Try making an intentional mindshift—notice the positives in your partner. My husband, Gus often empties the dishwasher, but leaves at least a quarter of it on the counter for me to put away. I feel the words brewing, How could you not know where these things go? You’re just making more work for me. But I immediately shift to positive thinking, I so appreciate that he empties the dishwasher. I hate doing it. I can count on him. So I say, “Thanks honey I really appreciate you emptying the dishwasher, it’s one of my least favorite jobs.” We share a warm moment.

2.      Express appreciation for who they are, not just what they do. Reflect on your partner’s characteristics that you admire and value. Our words about them shape their sense of self and impact the feel of our relationship. One of the things I appreciate most about Gus is how easy going he is. So I affirm him by saying, “I so appreciate that when I don’t feel like cooking you just say, ‘an omlet is fine.’ How lucky I am to have such an easy to please husband.”

3.      Be specific and sincere in your affirmations.  When we’re specific we give the other person something to hold onto. I’ve noticed when I would just say things like “You’re such a good husband or I love you,” Gus would ask, “Why?” I realize how important it is to be specific and of course to speak from the heart.

4.      Commit to affirm your significant other once a day. Like any good habit you want to develop, it takes repetition, commitment and practice. As you search daily for specific good things you can say to them, the good in them will become more of your focus. The most beautiful benefit is that in time your relationship will feel like the gift it can be!

5.      A Bonus: As you make a point of appreciating and affirming your partner, they may begin to do the same for you. It’s worked that way for us. Spread good energy in your relationship and you’ll find unexpected silver linings.

James Taylor is my favorite go-to artist when I want to get in a mellow, happy state of mind. He says it the best in his song, Shower the People:

Shower the people you love with love

Show them the way that you feel

Things are gonna work out fine

If you only will

 

Wishing you a wonderful month of showering the people you love with love! Please share this link now with someone who needs this message!

My book is available on Amazon.

Develop This One Habit to Extend Your Life

What would you say if I told you eating well, genetics, and exercise are not the greatest predictors of how you’ll grow old? That’s right.

An exciting 80 year study, conducted by Harvard researchers reveals the surprising secret to a long happy life. Following 724 men of all different walks of life—from college age throughout the course of their whole life, they found that quality RELATIONSHIPS were the single greatest predictor of aging well.

“Those who kept warm relationships got to live longer and happier,” says Robert Waldinger, director of the study. “It wasn’t their middle-age cholesterol levels that predicted how they were going to grow old. It was how satisfied they were in their relationships.”

I highly recommend Waldinger’s twelve minute TED talk “What Makes a Good Life? Lessons from the Longest Study on Happiness.” It’s been viewed over 30,000,000 times, if that’s any indicator of the interest in the study’s findings!

Harvard Study Supports The Affirming Way of Life

I of course, got excited about this information because it supports my essential message in The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good: our relationships are precious. When we nurture them with heartfelt sincere praise and appreciation, we feel closer and more connected. And now we know, not only does it make us feel more fulfilled emotionally and spiritually, it extends our physical lives, too! 

So I ask you, how are you tending your precious relationships? Do you pause each day to take in and appreciate something about those you’re closest to? Do you then take a moment and tell the person the good you notice and feel?

I totally understand that when you read this, you think to yourself, I should do that. It’s a good idea. And then you don’t. Why not? Maybe it’s because we’re all flooded with so much input: responsibilities, angst over the news, health concerns, family worries, we’re tired… that we just don’t think of it.

Make it a Habit

Here’s my suggestion: Make affirming a habit.

Let me tell you how I made it a habit. As I was writing The Affirming Way of Life, I realized not only was I not appreciating my husband, I was actually taking him for granted. Rather than noticing the good he did and the warmth and kindness he brought into my life, my focus was on the things he didn’t do. My wake-up call came when he said to me, “You always have positive things to say about the people you work with, but I don’t hear a word of appreciation about me.”

Whoa! My affirmer-self felt ashamed. He was right. I began by affirming him regularly for one thing—doing the dishes. “Thanks honey. I so appreciate you washing the dishes. I feel calmer when the kitchen is clean.” My affirmations expanded to appreciating him for listening, for considering my feelings…for many of his substantial actions and ways of being.

The more I affirmed Gus, the more he affirmed me, and a more loving vibe began flowing between us. This experience showed me how necessary affirming is to nurturing the love and joy in our relationship. So my tips are:

• Commit to affirming your dearest loved one(s) daily. Consider it like brushing your teeth, necessary for your well-being.

• Pause and ask yourself: What do I appreciate or admire about my person today or in general? How does my person impact my life?

• Affirm your person specifically and sincerely. When we are specific, we give the person something to repeat to themselves to build their inner good feelings. When we’re sincere, our words go from our heart to theirs. We nurture warmth that deepens the love and joy in our relationships and even extends our longevity.

Why not extend your life by regularly affirming the precious people in your life—starting today!