The Surprising Gift of Vulnerability

Do you shy from being vulnerable and sharing your struggles with others?

Reaching for my phone, half awake, I am greeted with a blog post from my son Theo’s favorite high school teacher, Mr. Armstrong. The opening sentence is, “I just taught from my living room (due to the pandemic) what will probably be my last high school English class ever.” Oh no! I am so sad, for Mr. Armstrong and all the kids who will miss out on delving into their being with the most amazingly life-changing teacher. The really heart-wrenching part is it means the disease that makes him unsteady on his feet and challenges his speech, has gotten the upper hand.

I know all this because he vulnerably shares who he is on the page. Reading between the lines, I hear him explore and expose what it means to live with an incurable disease. And watch him embrace and express his passion for passing his life wisdom onto his precious children and students. He says, “I tried to be my most honest, vulnerable self. For the students sake. For my sake. In fact my best teaching often happened in the privacy of my heart and mind.” His words just split me wide open. Jay makes me think about the power of vulnerability to bring us peace and wisdom. 

Owning Our Life

What courage it takes for any of us to show our insecurities, our self-doubt, our weakness, even our ugly parts. But it’s not just us, it’s everyone. Every single one of us knows we possess less-than-perfect-parts—because we’re human! And when someone like Jay shows us his pain, his truth, it opens us to ours. What a gift! His writing brings me insight into why I revealed so much of my own life challenges and suffering in my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good.  

If you’ve read my book or blog (even if you haven’t, I’ll give you a taste my of nakedness on the page), you know it took me a good portion of my adulthood to heal myself from a dysfunctional childhood living with my loving, bipolar mother. I’ve shown you my struggles of raising my one precious son with ADHD, in a school system unprepared to support his learning style. I’ve told you about my stormy relationship with my step-mother who blocked me from getting close to my dad. How my husband and I were mired in negative attitudes toward each other (they piled up from years of not discussing our grievances and hurts) until a momentous conversation that set us on the road to rekindling our love for one another. Add to that my lion’s share of negative self-talk. And this is just a summary!

 I share who I am in the hopes it will help others accept and embrace their less-than-pretty-parts, too. And in the process see that living an affirming way of life is possible even with all of our imperfections. And there’s more.

Unraveling my experiences on the page, has helped me to own my life. I gain perspective. I distance myself from the situation. And I see a brave woman who just wants to love and be loved.

Vulnerability Deepens Relationships

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness.”

— Brene Brown

There’s a bonus to sharing our shameful parts. It helps others feel safer to open up to us with their fears, insecurities and less-than-pretty-parts. And that’s where deeper more meaningful relationships are born.

Writing this piece, helps me remember when a friendship became a sistership.

For the first ten years of my friendship with Lynn, I turned to her for support and encouragement as I navigated through a very unsettled time of my life. She empathically listened and offered wonderful advice as I spilled my anxieties and fears. Yet she never opened up to me. In my eyes she had the perfect family life and was the together person I hoped to become.

A shake-up in her life, cracked her perfect façade—her husband left her. She turned to me for the support she’d always given me—and our deeply loving, most authentic sistership was born.

Lynnie (she became), shared with me her need to appear perfect living with her perfection demanding husband. She revealed that she too had a bipolar mother (such a surprise, I thought I was the only one at the time), and cried to me about her fears and insecurities of being alone for the first time in her life.

For over 40 years now we share the precious gift of sistership. Our relationship is so close because we both share our full selves together. We truly listen, embrace each other’s shameful parts, and see the best in each other when the other can’t. My vulnerability opened two hearts to create the deepest of relationships.

Vulnerability Brings Peace and Wisdom

It’s all about opening. Opening our own heart and mind to feel our pains and our shame. When we are brave enough to crack our shell and embrace our very human innards we open to the flow of peace.

Wisdom grows, as we continue to share in our trusted relationships, all the complexity of being our very human self. And that’s the opportunity for everyone of us!

Your Takeaways

• Openly sharing who you are, your doubts, imperfections and fears makes you more real, more human.

• Writing or journaling our pains and doubts can help us own our beautiful imperfect life.

• Reach out to others you trust with your pain. It can not only heal you, but build the most meaningful life-enhancing bonds!

• The pay off of making peace with your full self, is wisdom.

WHY NOT EMBRACE YOURS AND OTHERS VULNERABILITY AS A STRENGTH!

Available on Amazon

Political Conversations and Friendship

When Ruth Bader Ginsburg suddenly died last week, I was heartbroken over the sad loss for our country. Ruth was the Supreme Court Justice who championed equal rights for women. And because of her women cannot be barred from any job they are qualified for on the basis of their gender. Huge! One of her dying hopes was that they would not replace her till the next president was elected.

But, immediately after she died, efforts were in motion by the present administration to do just that. I was deeply concerned. Being a country of such disparate values and beliefs, and so divided politically, I feel it’s extremely important to have a balance of liberals and conservatives on the Supreme Court to fairly represent our citizens.

With this concern weighing heavy on my heart, I shared a Facebook post I received encouraging my friends to call some crucial senators to block the appointment of a new Justice until the next president is elected. I was impassioned! I also didn’t consider the responses I would receive.

One friend replied, “I didn’t know a nominee was named. Are you jumping the gun? How do you know a fair and just individual wouldn’t be named? Is it because she was nominated by Trump?”

I responded explaining my point of view. And she replied again.

Uh,oh, I thought. I could feel cactus and rose thorns pricking the skin of our friendship.  She obviously felt just as strongly as I did about the issue. Pressing my pause button, some quick self-talk kicked in. Gail, DO NOT RESPOND. THIS DEBATE IS HEADING DOWNHILL FAST!  There’s one thing I know: there is no convincing or winning in a political conversation. So I gave myself a breather. I stepped away from the Facebook post.

What’s Most Important Here?

Throughout the day, on and off, images of my friend floated to the surface of my mind. What’s most important here?  I thought about our friendship. We’ve been friends for nearly twenty years. We’ve celebrated major life events together, had many heart-to-heart talks, and she’d even given me helpful feedback on my blog and how to expand my social media presence. Definitely. Her friendship was much more important than our political differences.

I went to bed pondering what to do next. If I just didn’t respond, it would leave each of us with a bad taste in our mouth. An awkwardness might linger. A phone call could get messy either avoiding the topic or opening it up again. A Facebook response was out.

I would just simply let her know how much I valued her.

I texted her bright and early: I value your friendship too much to get into political conversations.

She responded: Me too. Love you!!!

I felt light – like dancing!

Mindful Speech

I discovered my thought process has a name; mindful speech. Jack Kornfield, a leader of Buddhist mindfulness practices in the West (and a frequent inspiration to me) says:

“In mindful speaking we become aware of what is happening in us and how it affects others. ”

The key steps of mindful speaking are;

• Pause—when it feels what you are saying is feeling off or may have a negative impact

•   Consider—what might be the outcome of what I am about to

•   Ask Self—what is my deepest intention? What do I most hope these words might accomplish?

  I am so happy I was mindful in stopping our political wrangle. Can you relate? At this time in our nation, when we all have such strong and polarized political views, its so important to remember:

We will not change the views of people who have different political perspectives and priorites than us.

Why not consider the value of your relationship and let that guide your choices and speech in political conversations.

Wishing you well!

If you like what you read here, check out my award-winning book available on Amazon that can help you have more fulfilling connections with everyone in your life:

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good

Write Gratitude Letters to Boost Your Happiness

The way you came into my life at the two crossroads of my work-life, always has made me feel it was bershert, from God. Such an influence you’ve had on the course of my life! First, you got me the interview that launched my 38-year teaching career. There I got to make a difference in so many lives and established such deep, meaningful relationships. Then with another nudge from the Universe, I was reunited with you after a 30-year hiatus, and you guided me through all the stages of publishing to publish my dream-fulfilling book!...I am grateful and feel blessed beyond blessed for your precious friendship.

Pretty nice thing to receive, right?

The Assignment

This is an excerpt from a letter I recently wrote to a friend as part of an assignment I had from an online course. We were to choose one of the new habits (called rewirements) that we were willing to practice for four weeks in the hope of developing a long-term habit. I chose to write gratitude letters because I love to express my heart to others and was curious if writing the letters would indeed make me feel happier as the research suggests.

Oh, and an important piece of the assignment is the letter must be personally delivered then read. Now that can feel awkward, and during these Covid-19 times, can be especially difficult because we are now just starting to visit with people, 6 feet apart, of course. So most of my letters I’ve read via Zoom or FaceTime, then emailed them as a precious keepsake.

I was first intrigued with the research when I was writing a chapter on appreciative words for my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good. Dr. Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology, found that expressing gratitude to someone who has made a big difference in your life, increased the happiness of participants in his study more than any other intervention, with benefits lasting up to a month. Powerful!

Benefits to the Letter Writer and the Recipient

I can’t tell you yet, if the happy feeling lasts for a month, but I can tell you all the good writing and sharing the letters has brought to me and the recipients of the letters. For me, reflecting on the positive ways other dear people have impacted my life shows me how loved and supported I’ve been.

1. Too often we focus on what’s missing or wrong in our life, but a gratitude letter shifts our attention to the blessings we’ve been graced with. In my chapter on appreciative words, I talk about the grateful pause. I discovered this technique as I was composing a thank you letter to a woman who was kindly looking in on my ill father.

“Expressing appreciation allowed me to take a grateful pause and savor the comfort Carol brought to me and my family. Though my words were intended to make her feel loved, being appreciative reminded me of how loved and blessed I was. Expressing my appreciation was a gift for both of us. ”

2. So far, I’ve written seven letters. As a whole, they show me how much I’ve grown. The following is from multiple letters:

“I came to you feeling shame and disconnected from my communities. Bit by bit you helped me trust myself and become a deeply happy person…You showed me I had a message that was valued…You saw the best in me and helped me to see it too…Your faith in me has made all the difference in me pursuing my dream, and using my talents to make a difference in the world…You inspired me with four practices that bring me great peace and joy that I share with others.”

I say to myself, you’ve come a long way baby. And I know it’s because as the Beatles sing, I get by with a little (a lot of) help from my friends.

   3. Probably the thing I love most about these gratitude letters is the closeness it makes me feel to the people who’ve most deeply touched my life. I would say I spent about 30 minutes writing each letter. As I reflected on the person’s contributions to my life, my heart swelled with love for him or her. I imagine my letters creating golden webs of connection between myself and my recipients. Reading the letters were teary, joyful, truly uplifting moments for both of us.  I wrote down some of the responses to inspire you to write your own letters.

“Oy vey, I don’t think I will ever feel sad or lonely again…I will always cherish your letter. Your words so truly describe our friendship and how we mutually love and care for one another. I will read your letter often when I am down, when I feel alone, when I need your comforting thoughts…I am so touched you took the time to write this letter. This is what’s important in life. I treasure you.”

And when I asked my husband, Gus, the first letter recipient, how he liked the letter he said, “I’d like to frame it.” Done!

Your Takeaways

• Take a grateful pause and make a list of people who’ve made a big difference in your life.

• Commit to writing one hearfelt letter a week. Explain how he or she has touched your life and why he or she is meaningful to you.  I promise you the joy you will feel will be the best moments you experience in the week.

• Call, visit, FaceTime, or Zoom the person and read him or her your letter. Then give them a copy in person or via email.

• Keep a copy of each letter for yourself. Reflect on your blessings and personal growth as you reread your letters.

• Savor the closeness you are nurturing with those who’ve touched your life.

The subtitle of my book encapsulates the impact of gratitude letters.

When we SEE THE GOOD in our own life because of our relationships,

and we SPEAK THE GOOD by writing gratitude letters and sharing them,

WE SPREAD THE GOOD energy to our relationships and to the larger world!

Why not write a gratitude letter today?!