Self-Observation: A Gift and Friend

I stood staring at the efforts of my husband in awe. Finally after living in our home for seventeen years he has renovated our eye-sore of a laundry room. It looks magnificent. The faded beige walls with metal anchors still in the wall from previous owners, are now spackled and a cheery yellow. The rusted white shelves sprawling with our laundry room chachkas are now organized white cabinets. The splotched plastic sink is now a vanity. I feel so fulfilled seeing my laundry room’s transformation. But here’s what follows my pleasure thoughts. Why did it take us so long to do this!

Then my thoughts go to this. My niece and her husband moved into an exceptional house in move-in condition and immediately took actions to make it theirs. We are such slow movers on projects.

Ooh! I hate seeing my old habit resurfacing—comparing myself to others. As much as I’m better at setting my own standard, comparing still shows up.

Maybe I should be happy about it.

The Gift of Self-Observation

In my last blog I observed myself sparring with my husband, Gus. By reflecting on my observation I decided not to challenge his statements in an accusatory way. I’m only beginning to change my habit, but here’s how I know I’m making progress: he made a statement last night and then asked, “How come you didn’t say, ‘How do you know that?’ Proud of myself!  

Self-observation is such a powerful tool. It means admitting you are a work in progress. Aren’t we all? I feel as long as I’m alive it’s an opportunity to grow in insights, inner peace, and opening my heart to love fully.

Self-observation is detective work. We notice something we think, say or do and check how it makes us feel. If we feel shame or unhappy with the thought (in my comparing case), it’s an opportunity to make a change—a change founded on kindness.

Working With Your Insights

How human it is to be flawed, to have areas to improve in. Rather than feel bad about ourselves when we notice a habit or behavior we don’t like, an empowered way to handle it is to praise our self for recognizing it. Then look for what you want to and can do with it.

• Self-praise for recognizing my not-so-positive habit . I’m proud of you for catching the comparing! Comparing isn’t all bad. We live in a world amongst others to learn from each other. When you notice others behaviors it can inspire you. If it makes you feel bad, you have the power to catch yourself and STOP.

• What do I want to do with my recognition that Gus and I are slow movers? Accept it. We may be slow movers but we do eventually get things done. And we both possess so many other wonderful traits. Better.

• What can I do from here on out with my comparing habit? Be playful! I know it’s part of me. When I see it next, I think I‘ll greet it like a phone call that I don’t want to take. Oh, it’s you again. Sorry can’t talk.

We are so lucky as humans that we have the ability to be self-aware and that there are so many tools to help us change the way we respond to ourselves. Why not become an action-taking, self-observer!

My award-winning, paperback book is available at Amazon for $14.99 and the ebook for $7.99. If you haven’t already read it, it can help you connect with more love, acceptance and joy to yourself and all others.

Kindness in the Time of Corona

The other day I got bolder going out into the world and went to my dentist to fix a cracked tooth. My dentist and I reconnected with small talk. Then I said,

“Between the worldwide Corona Virus and protests over the inequities to Black people, we’re living during a time of great change.”

“Oh, people may be kinder now,” my dentist responded. “But it won’t last. Look at how short-lived the caring and kindness was after 9/11.”

I thought, I don’t see it that way. Why do I see all the goodness possible, yet my dentist doesn’t? How can I help others embrace this opportunity to be the change they want to see?

Be the Change You Want to See in the World

When I first heard those words years ago they were life-changing. Gandhi’s message to me was change begins with me. If I want to experience more kindness, be kind. If I seek a peaceful life, find peace within. If I believe in justice and care for all people, support my values in my actions. Lofty important goals, I’m sure you’ll agree, but how do we actually live them when everyday life sneakily distracts us from our intentions? Here’s one way.

A Changed Life, A Better World, Begins with a Choice and a Commitment

A couple of years ago, in my husband Gus’s Greek mountain village, I met a wise, very spiritual woman, who reignited Gandhi’s message in my heart and mind. Despina (who was the same age as me) and I would meet to silently walk together at 6:30 AM to greet the awe-inspiring sunrise over Sparta. On the way back, we’d chat and she’d share equally awe-inspiring thoughts. Here are some that stuck with me:

“All of us live in the world we have inside us. Whatever our inner feelings and thoughts—joy, anger, resentment, jealously, compassion, hate, empathy, love—we spread what’s inside us in the world. If we want to change the world, we must take responsibility for our inner world and our influence on the outer world.”

Despina’s words reverberate in my mind. Here’s two actions I take to make them my reality.

Become the Observer of Your Thoughts

One part of being the change you want to see in the world, is becoming aware of our thoughts and feelings. We think about 60,000 thoughts a day! Many luckily, are inconsequential to our impact on others. But our thoughts that are negative, critical, or negatively impact our emotions are the ones to attend to.

The deeper work here is to ask ourselves: What’s that about? Why am I feeling this way?  You might journal, talk with a trusted close person, or have an inner dialogue with yourself to gain insight as to what to do with the negativity you’re feeling. The important take away here is, your feelings and thoughts are up to you to work through. For the sake of your inner peace and the energy you spread in the world, become the observer of your thoughts.  

Choose Kindness

Possibly the simplest way to commit to being a positive influence in the world is to recognize your common humanity with all people and be kind. Here’s a number of ways I spread good energy through kindness, and you can, too:

1.  Offer words of praise and encouragement freely and generously. A kind word makes someone’s day. Read my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, for lots of inspiration on how to find the words and make the most of your time with others.

2.  Driving on the road, be patient and let others in your lane.

3.  When out walking, even wearing a mask, smile with your eyes and wave to fellow walkers to affirm your connection.

4.  Make it a habit to reach out to at least three people a day through a call, a text, or an email to let them know you’re thinking of them and you care.

5.  Listen and actually take an interest in someone. Be curious about them.

6.  Give, give, give. Give away clothing and things to others, cook for someone ill, give your time to help with a project, the options are endless.

7.  Send good energy in the world daily. Imagine health to all you know who are ill. Imagine blessings to those seeking love. Imagine peace and healing of relationships, of countries, of political parties, of the environment. Everything is energy and your good thoughts do make a difference!

Why not commit to make your inner world and your influence on the outer world as positive as it can be!

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Thanksgiving Thoughts—Fill Your Own Cup, Then You Have So Much More to Share

Thanksgiving is coming up, and so we think about gathering with loved ones, the amazing turkey meal, and in the rush of travel and preparations, hopefully, some passing thoughts about all we have to be grateful for. I have discovered daily, hourly, moment-filled gratitude, is what fills my cup, and has literally transformed me! My gratitude practice fuels me to see the good, speak the good, and spread the good, and it can do the same for you.

A Gratitude Practice

I began my gratitude practice many years ago, by reflecting on my day, as I lay my head on my pillow, ready to drift off to sleep. With exuberance from my heart, I’d thank God (believing all the everyday ordinary goodness and safety were huge gifts I was blessed with from beyond) for my loving, devoted husband, for our precious son, Theo, doing well, for my angel sister; then basic things like my steaming bowl of oatmeal accompanied by the NY Times, a brisk walk under sunny skies listening to an inspiring podcast; goals for the day accomplished and savored; moments when I made someone else smile or said the just right thing they needed to hear to keep going; the enrichment of a book or show; the joy of loving kind words received, laughter shared, or a meaningful conversation.

Millions of perceptions, thoughts, experiences, feelings, and people, are cause for gratitude. Overtime, in addition to my sacred bedtime practice, I am grateful moment by moment. The gift this morning of my hot shower and lilac scented soap from my friend, Jere; the swaying branches of the pine tree outside my window as I get to write this blog to you—all reasons to pause and feel the preciousness of now.  My cup is full to the brim with goodness to share.

Gratitude Makes Your Brain Happier

Neuropsychologist, Rick Hanson, author of Hardwiring Happiness, says, though our brains are hardwired to be negative as a survival mechanism passed down from our caveman ancestors, every time we savor a positive moment for 10 seconds or more, we actually install it in our brain and overtime our brain centers actually become more positive.

 Sweeten Your Cup With Self-Praise

A warm cup of gratitude tea is even better sweetened. I sweeten my cup with self-supporting words of praise. We all have inner critics of varied degrees of meanness. Mine used to rear its nasty head whenever I’d disappoint myself or someone else.  It would say things like, “You are no good. You messed up, again! You’re not as good as___.“ Now I talk to myself kindly, gently, sweetly, as I would to anyone I care about. If I mess up, I say, “It’s OK, Gail. You did your best, you’ll do better next time.”

Self-praise is the sweetest of sweets. Each time I do something good, like complete a task or goal, am kind and loving, do something challenging, keep my commitments to myself, make a difference in someone’s life—I do a full-out victory dance in my head, and say to myself (sometimes even aloud), “I’m so proud of you, Gailie!” Self-praise supports me in feeling capable, worthwhile, and good about myself.

I consciously choose these practices. When we saturate our consciousness and brain with gratitude, we develop sight for the good in everyone and everything. When we’re grateful for what is, and we sweeten it with loving self-supportive words, we have so much more to give. Gratitude and self-affirmation are the source from which our loving affirming way of life is sparked.

Your Takeaways

•   Begin a daily gratitude practice to install the good in your brain and heart.

• Be kind to yourself and notice all the good you do. Praise yourself for it! You will be sweetening your own tea and have an abundance of sweetness to share. 

Why not fill your cup with gratitude and the sweetness of self-supporting words, because you have so much good to give! Happiest Thanksgiving, I am grateful to have you in my Affirming Way of Life family. May you feel blessed beyond measure!