Kindness in the Time of Corona

The other day I got bolder going out into the world and went to my dentist to fix a cracked tooth. My dentist and I reconnected with small talk. Then I said,

“Between the worldwide Corona Virus and protests over the inequities to Black people, we’re living during a time of great change.”

“Oh, people may be kinder now,” my dentist responded. “But it won’t last. Look at how short-lived the caring and kindness was after 9/11.”

I thought, I don’t see it that way. Why do I see all the goodness possible, yet my dentist doesn’t? How can I help others embrace this opportunity to be the change they want to see?

Be the Change You Want to See in the World

When I first heard those words years ago they were life-changing. Gandhi’s message to me was change begins with me. If I want to experience more kindness, be kind. If I seek a peaceful life, find peace within. If I believe in justice and care for all people, support my values in my actions. Lofty important goals, I’m sure you’ll agree, but how do we actually live them when everyday life sneakily distracts us from our intentions? Here’s one way.

A Changed Life, A Better World, Begins with a Choice and a Commitment

A couple of years ago, in my husband Gus’s Greek mountain village, I met a wise, very spiritual woman, who reignited Gandhi’s message in my heart and mind. Despina (who was the same age as me) and I would meet to silently walk together at 6:30 AM to greet the awe-inspiring sunrise over Sparta. On the way back, we’d chat and she’d share equally awe-inspiring thoughts. Here are some that stuck with me:

“All of us live in the world we have inside us. Whatever our inner feelings and thoughts—joy, anger, resentment, jealously, compassion, hate, empathy, love—we spread what’s inside us in the world. If we want to change the world, we must take responsibility for our inner world and our influence on the outer world.”

Despina’s words reverberate in my mind. Here’s two actions I take to make them my reality.

Become the Observer of Your Thoughts

One part of being the change you want to see in the world, is becoming aware of our thoughts and feelings. We think about 60,000 thoughts a day! Many luckily, are inconsequential to our impact on others. But our thoughts that are negative, critical, or negatively impact our emotions are the ones to attend to.

The deeper work here is to ask ourselves: What’s that about? Why am I feeling this way?  You might journal, talk with a trusted close person, or have an inner dialogue with yourself to gain insight as to what to do with the negativity you’re feeling. The important take away here is, your feelings and thoughts are up to you to work through. For the sake of your inner peace and the energy you spread in the world, become the observer of your thoughts.  

Choose Kindness

Possibly the simplest way to commit to being a positive influence in the world is to recognize your common humanity with all people and be kind. Here’s a number of ways I spread good energy through kindness, and you can, too:

1.  Offer words of praise and encouragement freely and generously. A kind word makes someone’s day. Read my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, for lots of inspiration on how to find the words and make the most of your time with others.

2.  Driving on the road, be patient and let others in your lane.

3.  When out walking, even wearing a mask, smile with your eyes and wave to fellow walkers to affirm your connection.

4.  Make it a habit to reach out to at least three people a day through a call, a text, or an email to let them know you’re thinking of them and you care.

5.  Listen and actually take an interest in someone. Be curious about them.

6.  Give, give, give. Give away clothing and things to others, cook for someone ill, give your time to help with a project, the options are endless.

7.  Send good energy in the world daily. Imagine health to all you know who are ill. Imagine blessings to those seeking love. Imagine peace and healing of relationships, of countries, of political parties, of the environment. Everything is energy and your good thoughts do make a difference!

Why not commit to make your inner world and your influence on the outer world as positive as it can be!

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Embrace Change: 4 Questions to Help You

As I contemplated what my new blog topic would be this week, a single word floated up in my mind – CHANGE.  I kept hearing the line from Sam Cook’s 1964 song, “A Change is Gonna Come” - it’s been a long time, a long time coming, but I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will.” You are so right, Sam. It’s been a long time, and everything in the world as we know it is shifting.

 The murder of George Floyd, as a result of police brutality, has catalyzed protests for days on end all over the United States and the world. Floyd is the straw that has broken the camel’s back in the abominable injustice of the treatment of Black people. My heart goes out to him and his family, and all Blacks who have lost their lives because of the color of their skin. A change is coming now… coming fast… and its time!

Between the impact of Covid-19 and the George Floyd protests, our way of life has been totally shaken up.

A Wake-up Call

What’s going on?  I ask myself.

There’s obviously a wake-up call we need as a human race, to change our ways before even more cataclysmic things happen.

Not too many years ago, I had a personal wake-up call. A member of my family had her life turned totally upside down. She was at the top of her game professionally, socially and glowing with inner confidence.  Yet, in the blink of an eye, all that crumbled. She was hospitalized for an unexpected health condition, and we who loved her stood by in shock and fear.

Here’s the similarity to what’s going on in the world. I said to myself, if such a big shake-up has occurred there has to be a larger reason as to why. So my loved one and I each asked ourselves these questions:

• What’s to be learned here?

• What do I need to pay more attention to?

• What’s the opportunity?

• How can I change and grow because of this?

And because she seized the moment to do the work that became clear to her, her life now is richer, more grounded, and much happier. But it took concerted attention, effort, support and time.  

I ask myself those same four questions now.

What’s to be learned here? What do I need to pay attention to?

Covid-19 and racial injustice are each about separation and protection.

The Corona Virus forces us to wear masks and stay six feet apart for protection from life-threatening germs. But we’re painfully separated physically and socially from others. Racial injustice leaves Black people unprotected by our law enforcement and judicial  systems because of ingrained societal separation between Whites and Blacks.

The learning to me is to value everyone, those we love, acquaintances, and those who appear different than us. PEOPLE MATTER.

What’s the opportunity? How can I change and grow because of this?

Covid-19 Opportunity: Connect with loved ones

I’ve noticed how important the people in my life are. When we could freely move around in the world, I was busy going, doing and socializing with many and didn’t always give those dearest to me as much time and attention. Here are changes I’ve made:

• I spend quality time with my house-mate, my husband. Dinners, walks, conversations—I give him my full attention now, and of course daily tell him how grateful I am for him. Our relationship has become more precious.

•   I have weekly dates to FaceTime with a sister-friend and my three nieces with their young babies. In the past I’d speak to them occasionally, but now I water the relationships with my time and care and the result is great joy.

•   My son, Theo and his girlfriend, Sarah, come over for a barbecue once a week. They are my heart and I make sure each week to let them know how much they mean to me.

•   Whoever I FaceTime, zoom, or speak with I make sure to affirm them and let them know how much I appreciate them.

Racial Injustice Opportunity: Connect Through Learning and Action

I’m really impressed by all the companies and institutions who are stepping up to raise our consciousness and are taking action. This morning my email was flooded with meaningful response letters to the protest. I am using the following resources to learn and grow.

• Coursera, a fabulous online opportunity to take free classes from outstanding universities is offering fourteen courses on anti-racism, social justice and inclusion from universities like Stanford, Vanderbilt, Emory, Weslyan, U of Michigan and Rutgers. I’m signing up for one this week, to raise my consciousness.

• My husband and I are taking an online course with the great Buddhist teacher, Jack Kornfield, entitled Keeping a Steady Heart in Uncertain Times. At his website he offers a list, “75 Things White People Can Do for Racial Justice,” with actions we can take now.

• Support legislators and leaders who are advocating for humane treatment and protection of the rights of all people. Reach out and affirm them and give them your vote!

Why not ask yourself the four questions and reflect on the meaning of this shake-up for you. Then decide to begin to make some changes starting today!

3 Rituals for Connecting in Covid-19 Times

What are you missing during Covid-19? One sad loss we’ve all seen highlighted on the nightly news is graduation ceremonies. High school and college seniors who looked forward to celebrating this major milestone with their classmates and family, will not get to do so.

“Rituals matter in our society,” says Chancellor Rebecca Blank of the University of Wisconsin, Madison.  “When you get to the end of one part of life and go to another that needs to be marked.” Yes it does.

Chancellor Blank got me thinking about how important rituals are. Rituals enable us to share major life transitions to receive emotional support from our loved ones and community. Sadly these most important life events like weddings, bar mitzvahs, baby showers, and even funerals have been put on hold.

Creating Rituals for the Times

Amidst this time of great loss, something inspiring and amazing is showing up: the creativity of the human spirit to find new ways to celebrate and connect. Nothing shows this better than the care and creativity of administrators, teachers and parents finding joyous way to make their children’s graduation memorable. Here’re some that stick out to me:

• A Brooklyn principal lined the school fence with posters of the seniors portraits

• Graduate parades of cars strung with streamers and gold 2020 balloons

• Students cruise the Indianapolis Raceway track to pick up their diploma

• And my favorite – The father of Gabrielle Pierce of Louisiana graduated his daughter from Xavier University, on a stage in full regalia in their driveway to the hoots and cheers of family and neighbors 6 feet apart in the street!

I look forward to these displays on the nightly news. They make me smile and laugh and bring tears to my eyes. What doesn’t go as expected makes even better memories!

Making Meaning

In Finding Meaning, David Kessler, grief expert and former collaborator with Elizabeth Kubler Ross, has written an amazing book that is helping me reflect on how we can make the best of our life circumstances during Covid-19. The focus of his book is how to go on living a life of meaning, purpose and someday even happiness, after the loss of a loved one. On a global scale, we are all coping with the loss of life as we know it. David says,

“Our worst moments can be the seeds of our best moments. They have an amazing power to transform us… Loss is simply what happens in life. Meaning is what you make happen.”

And that is just what we see happening with the alternative celebrations of our graduates.

Rituals for major life events as well as daily rituals anchor our connection with ourselves and others. Rituals are important to us individually, as couples, with our families, our friends, and with our larger community. They give us feelings of comfort and stability, reinforce who we are and who we are with each other. Rituals are literally the stuff that structures our life and helps us make it meaningful and fulfilling.

Living during Covid-19 times is an opportunity to continue those rituals that are still possible and create new ones that keep the love and connection flowing.

Meaningful Rituals

1.  With Ourselves: Centering rituals that help us to feel connected to ourselves are an anchor at all times, but especially now. Even five minutes daily with one or more of the rituals I am suggesting can support your inner connection. I speak from experience, having felt unmoored for many years before adopting these.

• Meditation – has benefits that include improved focus and less stress. I recommend using a meditation app such as the one I use, Insight Timer. It offers guided meditations, soothing music, chat groups, a timer, and rewards to motivate your practice. It connects me to myself and meditators around the world. Beginning or ending your day with meditation is centering.

• Gratitude –helps us to develop a positive mindset. I began my practice by expressing daily gratitude for at least five things at bedtime. I now also express gratitude throughout my day for each blessing I experience. Things like receiving a loving text, a sunny warm day with a cool breeze, or my husband’s kind words for my cooking. Bookending your day with a gratitude ritual can change your life. It has mine.

• Walks in Nature – tunes us into the life force and beauty of the world surrounding us. Walking with others is a major pastime now, but a walk by yourself can help you feel connected to the environment and a greater spiritual reality beyond the four walls of your home. One friend has created a ritual of walking every afternoon with her 88-year-old neighbor. They explore different neighborhoods and have had the joy of getting to know each other better.

2.      With Others: Strange times call for new rituals for feeling connected with the people who matter to us.

• Zoom – of course, is the new way of connecting during corona virus times. Many of us are zooming to connect with individuals, groups, and to continue celebrating the important events in our lives.

  I usually have Passover at my house. This year my family zoomed an abridged Passover Seder and then 35 of us chatted. I felt uplifted for a week. Another friend had a zoom party for her husband’s birthday. I have a zoom ritual to chat with a dear friend weekly. Other friends zoom mahjong. The possibilities are endless.

• New Rituals With Those You Live With – Before Covid-19, my husband and I used to make plans like dinners out, entertainment, and vacations. Creating small rituals with those we live with can give us something to look forward to.

  I find my time with my husband all the more precious now. We’re doing small things together that we might have done on a vacation like reflecting, chatting, and enjoying the moment. We had happy hour each evening for the first month and half to take the edge off lockdown. Now, before dinner, we go for a walk and after dinner, work on a puzzle together. Watching TV series’ are our entertainment. On weekends we’ve begun walking or bike riding in lovely outdoor places we used to enjoy. Places that were commonplace before now feel thrilling to revisit. Our favorite ritual is when our son and his girlfriend come for weekly outdoor barbecues—six feet apart, of course!

  Other creative rituals I’ve seen: An Albany couple takes a daily walk including a photo of their shoes in different positions and something of beauty in nature. A group of seventeen year-olds from Irvington, NY, meet in a parking lot each night, roll down their windows, and sing and chat to the same radio station.

3.  With Our Larger World Community: I am heartened every time I get to see how people are coming together in unity to support others and have a little fun. It reinforces my sense of connection with all of humanity. The nightly Italian balcony singers and musicians inspired others all over the world to join together in a spirit of unity and creativity sharing their talents.

 I try to watch on the news at least one thing positive going on in our country and the world. There is so much generosity of spirit in the face of these fearful isolating times. Here are a few examples:

• Captain Tom Moore – the 99-year-old British war veteran who walked back and forth bent over his walker, to support Britain’s health care system and all those in need. His hope was to raise $1200. He actually raised a whopping $44 million thanks to the outpouring of support from the larger community.

• The Masked Warriors, with more than 1400 members sewing thousands of masks for hospitals in need. 

• Concerts streamed from performers homes like The Academy of Country Music, Broadway Disney Sings, and One World Together at Home to entertain us and raise money for hospital supplies and food for the hungry.

• Donating to WHO and local food pantries is my small contribution to our larger community in need.

Why not create some meaningful rituals of your own to feel connected to yourself, your loved ones, and the world? I’d love to hear about them.