Be Your Own Cheerleader: Dealing with Negative Self-Talk

I am so guilty of beating myself up needlessly with negative self-talk. In my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, I wrote about my negative self-talk habit in the past tense. But, the slow-down of forward movement in my life, thanks to Covid-19, has brought my old, familiar, undermining voice back.

I first became aware of her (my negative voice) again, during a conversation with a friend who’s a life coach.

My Negative Self-Talk

Jamie was telling me a story about coaching someone with a self-defeatist attitude and it was as if my phone alarm was chiming. “I can’t believe you just said that! Gus and I do puzzles after dinner every night. When I’m working on a section that’s hard, I say things like, ’The piece must be missing. I can’t do this, it’s too hard!’’

“How could you reframe that statement?” she asked.

I knew what she was getting at. I had available to me broader, more positive ways of looking at this minor difficulty. “I could say something like, ‘Hang in there. You eventually always connect the pieces.’”

“How does that statement feel compared to the other?”

“Empowered.” Yes. I could see how the words I say to myself could fuel or fizzle my power.

Feeling more discouraged than usual, my ears were perked to listen for any other self-defeatist talk.

A few days later, I began researching bloggers who wrote about similar subjects to me. I hoped to find someone with a large following who might invite me to be a guest blogger. The ones that appealed to me had from 80,000-100,000 followers.

OMG! To have that many followers! They’re in a different universe than me.

And there she was. My old comparing-self-to-others voice. I was intimidated by the disparity between their number of followers and mine, and went right to putting myself down. So mean of me!

So…

Take a Positive Action

In a kind, compassionate voice that I’d offer anyone else, I say to myself, “I am so sorry, Gailie, for speaking to you that way. You are hard-working and capable, you’ve accomplished many other goals, and you will do this, too!”

Through years of living with my nasty self-talk voice, I’ve developed my own inner cheerleader to soothe and uplift myself. I know she may sound very rah rah, but isn’t that what cheerleaders do?

The way my process works, once I have awareness, I instinctively work at shifting my perspective. Sometimes encouraging self-talk is all I need to make the inner change, but often I turn to my inner circle of people who help me see things from a larger more positive perspective.

Shift Your Point of View

Thanks to Covid-19 (I know it’s hard to imagine it has some silver linings), my husband, Gus and I have dinner and talk every night on our deck taking in the beauty of the pines, our silver maple, and the slowly setting sun lighting up our grass a neon green. Sipping chilled sauvignon blanc I say,

“Honey, you know that ‘I’ll never find the puzzle piece’ thing I say every night, well today I noticed that attitude is spreading. I found two bloggers who I’d like to reach out to as a guest blogger, but they have something like 100,000 followers. No way they’d be interested in me.”

“The sky is falling!”

“Aw, come on. I don’t catastrophize like I used to.”

“How long have those bloggers been at it?”

I grabbed my iphone and googled their histories. “One has been at it for thirteen years and the other ten.”

“See! Developing a following takes time. It’s like expecting a fifth grader to write a college thesis. Give yourself a break and be patient, Gailie. You’ll get there.”

Gus gave me perspective, and I could have kissed his feet. I felt all kinds of things: permission to be a beginner, undeserving of self-putdowns, reigning in of my expectations of my number of blog readers. And if Gussie didn’t help me see the bigger picture, I would have called my sister or my closest friend.

Your Takeaways

• Listen to the things you say to yourself. If you catch yourself speaking negatively, know that it is in your power to change the message.

• Take a positive action and respond to your negative self-talk in a kind, compassionate voice. Encourage yourself and remind yourself of past successes as I did. Become your own cheerleader!

• Shift to a broader more positive perspective by speaking to someone you can rely on for that, or by self-reflection or journaling. Another possibility is to turn to a good book, such as Infinite Possibilities by Michael Dooley.

• Develop an affirmation to repeat each time you encounter the situation that gave rise to the negative self-talk. With puzzles I now say: Hang in there, in time you always connect the pieces.” With blogging I say: Be patient. Developing a following takes time. You’re making a difference person by person.” I really repeat these phrases to myself and feel much more confident.

Why not let these Covid-19 times be an impetus to shift your self-talk to the positive side!

If you like what you read here, check out my award-winning book available on Amazon that can help you have more fulfilling connections with everyone in your life:

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good

Write Gratitude Letters to Boost Your Happiness

The way you came into my life at the two crossroads of my work-life, always has made me feel it was bershert, from God. Such an influence you’ve had on the course of my life! First, you got me the interview that launched my 38-year teaching career. There I got to make a difference in so many lives and established such deep, meaningful relationships. Then with another nudge from the Universe, I was reunited with you after a 30-year hiatus, and you guided me through all the stages of publishing to publish my dream-fulfilling book!...I am grateful and feel blessed beyond blessed for your precious friendship.

Pretty nice thing to receive, right?

The Assignment

This is an excerpt from a letter I recently wrote to a friend as part of an assignment I had from an online course. We were to choose one of the new habits (called rewirements) that we were willing to practice for four weeks in the hope of developing a long-term habit. I chose to write gratitude letters because I love to express my heart to others and was curious if writing the letters would indeed make me feel happier as the research suggests.

Oh, and an important piece of the assignment is the letter must be personally delivered then read. Now that can feel awkward, and during these Covid-19 times, can be especially difficult because we are now just starting to visit with people, 6 feet apart, of course. So most of my letters I’ve read via Zoom or FaceTime, then emailed them as a precious keepsake.

I was first intrigued with the research when I was writing a chapter on appreciative words for my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good. Dr. Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology, found that expressing gratitude to someone who has made a big difference in your life, increased the happiness of participants in his study more than any other intervention, with benefits lasting up to a month. Powerful!

Benefits to the Letter Writer and the Recipient

I can’t tell you yet, if the happy feeling lasts for a month, but I can tell you all the good writing and sharing the letters has brought to me and the recipients of the letters. For me, reflecting on the positive ways other dear people have impacted my life shows me how loved and supported I’ve been.

1. Too often we focus on what’s missing or wrong in our life, but a gratitude letter shifts our attention to the blessings we’ve been graced with. In my chapter on appreciative words, I talk about the grateful pause. I discovered this technique as I was composing a thank you letter to a woman who was kindly looking in on my ill father.

“Expressing appreciation allowed me to take a grateful pause and savor the comfort Carol brought to me and my family. Though my words were intended to make her feel loved, being appreciative reminded me of how loved and blessed I was. Expressing my appreciation was a gift for both of us. ”

2. So far, I’ve written seven letters. As a whole, they show me how much I’ve grown. The following is from multiple letters:

“I came to you feeling shame and disconnected from my communities. Bit by bit you helped me trust myself and become a deeply happy person…You showed me I had a message that was valued…You saw the best in me and helped me to see it too…Your faith in me has made all the difference in me pursuing my dream, and using my talents to make a difference in the world…You inspired me with four practices that bring me great peace and joy that I share with others.”

I say to myself, you’ve come a long way baby. And I know it’s because as the Beatles sing, I get by with a little (a lot of) help from my friends.

   3. Probably the thing I love most about these gratitude letters is the closeness it makes me feel to the people who’ve most deeply touched my life. I would say I spent about 30 minutes writing each letter. As I reflected on the person’s contributions to my life, my heart swelled with love for him or her. I imagine my letters creating golden webs of connection between myself and my recipients. Reading the letters were teary, joyful, truly uplifting moments for both of us.  I wrote down some of the responses to inspire you to write your own letters.

“Oy vey, I don’t think I will ever feel sad or lonely again…I will always cherish your letter. Your words so truly describe our friendship and how we mutually love and care for one another. I will read your letter often when I am down, when I feel alone, when I need your comforting thoughts…I am so touched you took the time to write this letter. This is what’s important in life. I treasure you.”

And when I asked my husband, Gus, the first letter recipient, how he liked the letter he said, “I’d like to frame it.” Done!

Your Takeaways

• Take a grateful pause and make a list of people who’ve made a big difference in your life.

• Commit to writing one hearfelt letter a week. Explain how he or she has touched your life and why he or she is meaningful to you.  I promise you the joy you will feel will be the best moments you experience in the week.

• Call, visit, FaceTime, or Zoom the person and read him or her your letter. Then give them a copy in person or via email.

• Keep a copy of each letter for yourself. Reflect on your blessings and personal growth as you reread your letters.

• Savor the closeness you are nurturing with those who’ve touched your life.

The subtitle of my book encapsulates the impact of gratitude letters.

When we SEE THE GOOD in our own life because of our relationships,

and we SPEAK THE GOOD by writing gratitude letters and sharing them,

WE SPREAD THE GOOD energy to our relationships and to the larger world!

Why not write a gratitude letter today?!

Kindness in the Time of Corona

The other day I got bolder going out into the world and went to my dentist to fix a cracked tooth. My dentist and I reconnected with small talk. Then I said,

“Between the worldwide Corona Virus and protests over the inequities to Black people, we’re living during a time of great change.”

“Oh, people may be kinder now,” my dentist responded. “But it won’t last. Look at how short-lived the caring and kindness was after 9/11.”

I thought, I don’t see it that way. Why do I see all the goodness possible, yet my dentist doesn’t? How can I help others embrace this opportunity to be the change they want to see?

Be the Change You Want to See in the World

When I first heard those words years ago they were life-changing. Gandhi’s message to me was change begins with me. If I want to experience more kindness, be kind. If I seek a peaceful life, find peace within. If I believe in justice and care for all people, support my values in my actions. Lofty important goals, I’m sure you’ll agree, but how do we actually live them when everyday life sneakily distracts us from our intentions? Here’s one way.

A Changed Life, A Better World, Begins with a Choice and a Commitment

A couple of years ago, in my husband Gus’s Greek mountain village, I met a wise, very spiritual woman, who reignited Gandhi’s message in my heart and mind. Despina (who was the same age as me) and I would meet to silently walk together at 6:30 AM to greet the awe-inspiring sunrise over Sparta. On the way back, we’d chat and she’d share equally awe-inspiring thoughts. Here are some that stuck with me:

“All of us live in the world we have inside us. Whatever our inner feelings and thoughts—joy, anger, resentment, jealously, compassion, hate, empathy, love—we spread what’s inside us in the world. If we want to change the world, we must take responsibility for our inner world and our influence on the outer world.”

Despina’s words reverberate in my mind. Here’s two actions I take to make them my reality.

Become the Observer of Your Thoughts

One part of being the change you want to see in the world, is becoming aware of our thoughts and feelings. We think about 60,000 thoughts a day! Many luckily, are inconsequential to our impact on others. But our thoughts that are negative, critical, or negatively impact our emotions are the ones to attend to.

The deeper work here is to ask ourselves: What’s that about? Why am I feeling this way?  You might journal, talk with a trusted close person, or have an inner dialogue with yourself to gain insight as to what to do with the negativity you’re feeling. The important take away here is, your feelings and thoughts are up to you to work through. For the sake of your inner peace and the energy you spread in the world, become the observer of your thoughts.  

Choose Kindness

Possibly the simplest way to commit to being a positive influence in the world is to recognize your common humanity with all people and be kind. Here’s a number of ways I spread good energy through kindness, and you can, too:

1.  Offer words of praise and encouragement freely and generously. A kind word makes someone’s day. Read my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, for lots of inspiration on how to find the words and make the most of your time with others.

2.  Driving on the road, be patient and let others in your lane.

3.  When out walking, even wearing a mask, smile with your eyes and wave to fellow walkers to affirm your connection.

4.  Make it a habit to reach out to at least three people a day through a call, a text, or an email to let them know you’re thinking of them and you care.

5.  Listen and actually take an interest in someone. Be curious about them.

6.  Give, give, give. Give away clothing and things to others, cook for someone ill, give your time to help with a project, the options are endless.

7.  Send good energy in the world daily. Imagine health to all you know who are ill. Imagine blessings to those seeking love. Imagine peace and healing of relationships, of countries, of political parties, of the environment. Everything is energy and your good thoughts do make a difference!

Why not commit to make your inner world and your influence on the outer world as positive as it can be!

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