Think Before You Speak – 5 Tips

“Words have weight. They carry energy and give language its potential to heal or hurt.”

— Madison Taylor

Do you ever wonder like me, where was my head when I said that?  The other night our son, Theo and his bride-to-be, Sarah, were over for dinner. At the end of the meal, as I was boiling water for tea in my electric kettle, I said to my husband, Gus, “Honey, just a reminder, when you use this kettle be sure it’s far away from the cabinets.” (I’ll admit I had an edge to my voice.)

“I always am careful with that.”

“I’m mentioning it because the other day when you were boiling water for me, I saw the steam bathing the cabinets.”

“Well it wasn’t me doing it,” he answered defensively.

Back and forth we went. I saw Sarah get quiet and duck her head to avoid our unnecessary line of fire. Her expression said it all to me. Awkward! Oh, Gail, you didn’t think before you spoke!

By the time Sarah and Theo left it was late, and I knew better than to broach the disagreement then. The next morning I kissed Gus’s cheek and said, “Sorry about last night.”

Kindly he said, “It would have been fine if you’d said it to me privately, but you embarrassed me saying it in front of Sarah.”

In the past I would have beaten myself up for being inconsiderate, but because I’ve been working on showing more empathy to myself I thought, it’s OK Gail, you weren’t thinking of the consequences of your words. You’ll do better next time.

And the crazy thing is, I consciously censor my thoughts before they leave my lips, yet I still at times blurt unnecessary or insensitive words.

How about you. Can you relate?

Psychologists say that it’s common to speak without thinking to our loved ones. One of the benefits of long-term relationships is feeling we can just be our full self. We assume they’ll understand where we’re coming from and not be offended. Not true!

Five Tips for Speaking With More Care

1.      Include the other in your mind before you speak – usually when we speak we’re just thinking of our own feelings and perspective. Embrace the other’s feelings and point of view and consider them as important as your own. When we regard others with more care, it guides us in speaking with more care.

2.      Ask yourself, Will this help or hurt?  Reflect on what you’re about to say. Often our brain is spinning thoughts and our words just blurt out without considering their impact. Slow yourself down before you speak and ask this question as your own friendly inner censor.

3.      Ask yourself, Is what I’m about to say meaningful or relevant to the other person?  If not don’t say it. This is particularly relevant with texting. Often I delete whole statements before I send them realizing its unnecessary information for the other.

4.      Become the observer of your speech. Make it a habit of noticing what you say and how it impacts others. We have the power to manage our thoughts and speech to have a positive impact on others and our relationship with them.

5.      Include affirmations in your conversations. Create positive feelings in your relationships by noticing the good stuff you see in or feel about the person and tell them. When my husband vulnerably told me I embarrassed him, I said, “Thank you honey for being so real and open with me. I am so blessed to have you as my husband.” My affirmation added back some good energy to our relationship.

It’s such a small thing to pause a moment to consider how your words will be received. And it’s such a big thing to say less and care more! Wishing you a wonderful month of positive communicating and connecting!

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good is available at Amazon. May it support you in living your best most fulfilling life!

You are an Influence –Share Your Gifts

“You two have totally shaped the course of my life,” I said with deep awe. “I am so moved to be in the same room with both of you.”

That’s what I wish I said at a recent reunion with two extraordinary life-influencers. Actually I was enjoying the moment so much I didn’t even think to put my feelings in words.

 Selma, (now 91 and sharper than some 30 year olds), was my college professor. She was the only educator I can recall, that saw my talents and encouraged me. She introduced me to my school district (at the time, the most innovative child-centered around) where I would impact at least a thousand students and form most of my lifelong friendships.

Jamie (who I met through Selma) was the door-opener to my two careers. It was she who recommended me for the interview in that school district, where I would nurture the talents of my students for 38 years. And it was she, who when I was ready to publish my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, who generously guided and inspired me in my second career as a writer-publisher, speaker and coach.

How grateful I am for Selma and Jamie’s profound influence on the unfolding of my life. How about you. Who’s deeply affected your life for the better?

You are an Influence

We all influence and are influenced every day of our lives. Some influences are momentary, some last the day, and some last a lifetime. Influences can be positive or at times devastatingly destructive. But how often do we even think of how we influence?

Yet influence others we do. With our words, our actions, our habits, our ideas.

A smile, a helpful idea, a truly listening ear, encouragement, a ride to the doctor’s office, a kind affirming word…we influence.

I think of Mary Oliver’s beautiful last line of the poem, “The Summer’s Day” with influence in mind.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

To me, to be a positive influence is to make the most of our one precious life.

Here’s What Influence Looks Like

When I was writing my book, there was a time I felt like I was scaling a mountain and I didn’t have the stamina to keep going. That peak was way too far out of sight. But then unaware of my discouragement, my son, Theo says, “Mom, seeing your determination in fulfilling your goal, makes me believe I too can accomplish my goals.” Wow! Knowing I was his influence, no matter how much effort it took I had to publish my book. Mutual influence.

A letter I received from a parent at the end of a school year, confirmed I was fulfilling my mission as a teacher. Karen said, “You have seen Johnny’s uniqueness and talents and have helped him see them too. And the amazing thing about you is that you do that with every student. We are eternally grateful.” Her letter about my influence, inspired me at a time when I was having doubts. Hearing I was indeed making a difference made a difference to me and all the students whose lives I touched. Mutual influence.

The one positive person my brother-in-law had in his life growing up was his grandpa. Every weekend Gramps would take George fishing. When George married my sister, Gramps would rent a house on a lake for a family fishing week. Now George and Lois have their own lake house and boat. George’s joy and peace and happiest moments are at the lake, fishing with his own grandkids. Mutual Influence.

Share Your Gifts

Each of us has many gifts to share. Whatever they are they matter. My niece’s husband influenced by his dad, is big-hearted and handy building things. His gifts bring much joy to the family. A friend, committed to recovery for over 30 years, inspires countless others through his leadership in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I discovered my outstanding gift in an epiphany on my 50th birthday. I realized my best trait is that I look with eyes to see the best in others and generously tell them. I learned my gift from my mother’s example. Seeing the warm affect affirming has on each and every relationship, I wrote my book to share my gift far and wide.

Choosing to be a positive influence with our unique gifts gives our life meaning.

 We get to see that our life here on Earth matters.

Your Takeaways

• What talents or natural capabilities can you share to support others and be a positive influence?

• Become an influence observer. How are others impacting you? If it’s positive affirm them for it. How are you influencing others? Are you comfortable with your impact?

• Choose to be a positive influence with your closest people and everyone you come in contact with.

NOW MORE THAT EVER THE WORLD NEEDS YOUR POSITIVE INFLUENCE AND GOOD ENERGY. SPREAD THE GOOD!

My award-winning, paperback book is available at Amazon for $14.99 and the ebook for $7.99. If you haven’t already read it, it can help you connect with more love, acceptance and joy to yourself and all others.

If you enjoyed this blog, share with friends on social media and email. I appreciate your help spreading the good!

3 Rituals for Connecting in Covid-19 Times

What are you missing during Covid-19? One sad loss we’ve all seen highlighted on the nightly news is graduation ceremonies. High school and college seniors who looked forward to celebrating this major milestone with their classmates and family, will not get to do so.

“Rituals matter in our society,” says Chancellor Rebecca Blank of the University of Wisconsin, Madison.  “When you get to the end of one part of life and go to another that needs to be marked.” Yes it does.

Chancellor Blank got me thinking about how important rituals are. Rituals enable us to share major life transitions to receive emotional support from our loved ones and community. Sadly these most important life events like weddings, bar mitzvahs, baby showers, and even funerals have been put on hold.

Creating Rituals for the Times

Amidst this time of great loss, something inspiring and amazing is showing up: the creativity of the human spirit to find new ways to celebrate and connect. Nothing shows this better than the care and creativity of administrators, teachers and parents finding joyous way to make their children’s graduation memorable. Here’re some that stick out to me:

• A Brooklyn principal lined the school fence with posters of the seniors portraits

• Graduate parades of cars strung with streamers and gold 2020 balloons

• Students cruise the Indianapolis Raceway track to pick up their diploma

• And my favorite – The father of Gabrielle Pierce of Louisiana graduated his daughter from Xavier University, on a stage in full regalia in their driveway to the hoots and cheers of family and neighbors 6 feet apart in the street!

I look forward to these displays on the nightly news. They make me smile and laugh and bring tears to my eyes. What doesn’t go as expected makes even better memories!

Making Meaning

In Finding Meaning, David Kessler, grief expert and former collaborator with Elizabeth Kubler Ross, has written an amazing book that is helping me reflect on how we can make the best of our life circumstances during Covid-19. The focus of his book is how to go on living a life of meaning, purpose and someday even happiness, after the loss of a loved one. On a global scale, we are all coping with the loss of life as we know it. David says,

“Our worst moments can be the seeds of our best moments. They have an amazing power to transform us… Loss is simply what happens in life. Meaning is what you make happen.”

And that is just what we see happening with the alternative celebrations of our graduates.

Rituals for major life events as well as daily rituals anchor our connection with ourselves and others. Rituals are important to us individually, as couples, with our families, our friends, and with our larger community. They give us feelings of comfort and stability, reinforce who we are and who we are with each other. Rituals are literally the stuff that structures our life and helps us make it meaningful and fulfilling.

Living during Covid-19 times is an opportunity to continue those rituals that are still possible and create new ones that keep the love and connection flowing.

Meaningful Rituals

1.  With Ourselves: Centering rituals that help us to feel connected to ourselves are an anchor at all times, but especially now. Even five minutes daily with one or more of the rituals I am suggesting can support your inner connection. I speak from experience, having felt unmoored for many years before adopting these.

• Meditation – has benefits that include improved focus and less stress. I recommend using a meditation app such as the one I use, Insight Timer. It offers guided meditations, soothing music, chat groups, a timer, and rewards to motivate your practice. It connects me to myself and meditators around the world. Beginning or ending your day with meditation is centering.

• Gratitude –helps us to develop a positive mindset. I began my practice by expressing daily gratitude for at least five things at bedtime. I now also express gratitude throughout my day for each blessing I experience. Things like receiving a loving text, a sunny warm day with a cool breeze, or my husband’s kind words for my cooking. Bookending your day with a gratitude ritual can change your life. It has mine.

• Walks in Nature – tunes us into the life force and beauty of the world surrounding us. Walking with others is a major pastime now, but a walk by yourself can help you feel connected to the environment and a greater spiritual reality beyond the four walls of your home. One friend has created a ritual of walking every afternoon with her 88-year-old neighbor. They explore different neighborhoods and have had the joy of getting to know each other better.

2.      With Others: Strange times call for new rituals for feeling connected with the people who matter to us.

• Zoom – of course, is the new way of connecting during corona virus times. Many of us are zooming to connect with individuals, groups, and to continue celebrating the important events in our lives.

  I usually have Passover at my house. This year my family zoomed an abridged Passover Seder and then 35 of us chatted. I felt uplifted for a week. Another friend had a zoom party for her husband’s birthday. I have a zoom ritual to chat with a dear friend weekly. Other friends zoom mahjong. The possibilities are endless.

• New Rituals With Those You Live With – Before Covid-19, my husband and I used to make plans like dinners out, entertainment, and vacations. Creating small rituals with those we live with can give us something to look forward to.

  I find my time with my husband all the more precious now. We’re doing small things together that we might have done on a vacation like reflecting, chatting, and enjoying the moment. We had happy hour each evening for the first month and half to take the edge off lockdown. Now, before dinner, we go for a walk and after dinner, work on a puzzle together. Watching TV series’ are our entertainment. On weekends we’ve begun walking or bike riding in lovely outdoor places we used to enjoy. Places that were commonplace before now feel thrilling to revisit. Our favorite ritual is when our son and his girlfriend come for weekly outdoor barbecues—six feet apart, of course!

  Other creative rituals I’ve seen: An Albany couple takes a daily walk including a photo of their shoes in different positions and something of beauty in nature. A group of seventeen year-olds from Irvington, NY, meet in a parking lot each night, roll down their windows, and sing and chat to the same radio station.

3.  With Our Larger World Community: I am heartened every time I get to see how people are coming together in unity to support others and have a little fun. It reinforces my sense of connection with all of humanity. The nightly Italian balcony singers and musicians inspired others all over the world to join together in a spirit of unity and creativity sharing their talents.

 I try to watch on the news at least one thing positive going on in our country and the world. There is so much generosity of spirit in the face of these fearful isolating times. Here are a few examples:

• Captain Tom Moore – the 99-year-old British war veteran who walked back and forth bent over his walker, to support Britain’s health care system and all those in need. His hope was to raise $1200. He actually raised a whopping $44 million thanks to the outpouring of support from the larger community.

• The Masked Warriors, with more than 1400 members sewing thousands of masks for hospitals in need. 

• Concerts streamed from performers homes like The Academy of Country Music, Broadway Disney Sings, and One World Together at Home to entertain us and raise money for hospital supplies and food for the hungry.

• Donating to WHO and local food pantries is my small contribution to our larger community in need.

Why not create some meaningful rituals of your own to feel connected to yourself, your loved ones, and the world? I’d love to hear about them.