Would You Rather Receive a Compliment or an Affirmation?

Recently I gave a book talk at my local library. The next morning I called a friend who attended for feedback. Her thoughts tuned me into some subtleties I thought would be valuable for my blog readers. Ann said, “Gail, from your talk, and knowing you so well, I know that affirming goes much deeper than a compliment.” I agree with Ann.

Compliment vs Affirmation

A compliment tends to be on the superficial level, often about appearances. “Your hair looks nice.” “Your dress is beautiful.” “Your house is lovely.” The online Oxford Dictionary defines compliment as a polite expression of praise or admiration; flattery. I’m not saying compliments are worthless, far from it. Who doesn’t like to hear a compliment? But sincerity can come into question because compliments tend to lack substance.

Affirmations, as I speak of them, come from the heart. To affirm someone is to value them. It involves pausing to appreciate—a kindness, an accomplishment, someone’s good fortune, a positive change, a strong wonderful quality they possess, something special about their appearance, their generosity, their service…the list is endless. It is a generosity of spirit on our part as the giver, to take the time to value and then express our positive thoughts or feelings to another understanding that our words are a gift, possibly more valuable than any material thing.

In my book I give some basic guidelines when affirming.

·         Be specific- (particularly when recognizing a quality or strength in another’s character) describe in detail what the person did well, so that she can recognize it within and internally praise herself too. 

·         Be sincere- words from the heart go right to the heart.

Heartfelt Examples of Affirming

The other big thing Ann made me aware of, was that it would help the participants at my talk to understand how I find the words and actually express an affirmation.

Last night I was at my cousin Brenda’s to celebrate the break-the-fast for Yom Kippur. I did as I always do. Each person I encountered during the evening I looked for a positive thing to say to them. Why? It creates a positive flow between myself and the other person. It’s a joy! We smile and laugh and enjoy each other when affirmations pass between us.

I knew I was going to see my nephew Jarett’s in-laws. Their older daughter Kimberly had not only gotten married the weekend before, but two days later she was on every TV station being interviewed as the New Jersey State Teacher of the Year. I knew I wanted to congratulate them and recognize this very special moment in their lives. I was imagining that they must be overjoyed with the good fortune of their daughter’s successes. As soon as I saw them at Brenda’s I said, “Kathleen and Howard, what an amazing time in your life! Not only do you have the nachas (good fortune) of having two daughters married in two years, but Kimberly is recognized all over the news as the most outstanding teacher in NJ! I am so happy for you! Tell me about it.” We hugged, they filled me in on details and I joyfully shared in their happiness.

Another one of my cousin Brenda’s daughter-in-laws, Jamie, had her Aunt Marla, who’s like a mother to her, with us. Early in the evening I saw her knitting a beautiful multicolored glove. The easiest way for me to connect with her was to compliment her work so I said, “I love the colors and design you’re knitting. Who’s it for?” She answered and we had a brief positive connection. Later though, I affirmed her. As she was leaving I did a quick reflection on how she always seems to be there for her niece, Jamie, and her great nieces, Jamie’s children. “It’s so beautiful how you are so there for Jamie. I can see you’re like a mother to her.” I looked Marla in the eyes and said it with the deepest sincerity knowing from observation that having never married or had children of her own, Jamie was like her daughter. She told me some family background that I didn’t know about—how Jamie and her brothers often stayed with her on weekends as they were growing up. I responded, “Sometimes we are blessed to have children we don’t give birth to.” We hugged and both of us felt touched.

It’s About Caring and Connecting With Others

I love receiving and giving affirmations. It means so much to me when someone expresses a heartfelt affirmation to me, I feel valued, recognized and worthy. My positive sense of self has absolutely evolved in part based on the affirmations I’ve received. I feel complete paying the gifts I’ve received forward. I live a life where affirming is as much a part of how I live as brushing my teeth. Affirming for me is like smiling or saying thank you for most people. Those are social courtesies. I have learned to connect more meaningfully with others through affirmations. I love building people up recognizing their abilities, appreciating and encouraging them. Every positive thing we say to others benefits them. I feel peaceful knowing that most moments I interact with others I am spreading the good, by seeing and speaking the good. How about you?

Why not choose to affirm people to support them and spread the good!

Don’t Wait—Say it Now!

Have you ever lost a loved one and thought about all the good things you wished you’d said? Why regret it? Here’s something wonderful you can do.

My sister recently had a milestone birthday. As we were talking about her upcoming celebration she made a very telling remark: It’s so sad that often it isn’t until someone’s funeral eulogies that people speak about how much the person meant to them. I think it would be wonderful to know how people feel about me while I’m alive!  

That is how my sister’s Tribute book came into being. I sent letters to her daughters, son-in-laws, in-laws, our cousins, her closest friends growing up and now, gave one to my husband, Gus and my son, Theo—asking each to write a letter to Lois, expressing what they love, admire and appreciate about her.  When the letters arrived I put them in a beautiful binder sliding each letter into a plastic protective sheet. I presented the book to my sister at her party and she was SO happy!

The day after her celebration we spent at least an hour on the phone kfelling (Yiddish for expressing pleasure) over the letters. She loved and treasured every word because her loved ones had given her the most precious gift—they’d generously and specifically expressed their love for her.  I think of the parts she read to me: “I couldn’t get over how Dave (her son-in-law) said ‘Thank you for all your positivity, happiness, and most importantly for instilling so many of the values in Becky that connect us. You are a second mother to me.’  I never knew he felt that way. It makes me feel much closer to him.”

About the letter from my husband Lois gushed, “I can’t get over how Gus said, ‘They say you can’t pick your family and that is true for your in-laws too, but Lois, I pick you! I appreciate your goodness, kindness and most of all unselfishness that is part of your essence.’ Wow! Gus and I have gotten along from day one, but it feels so good to hear the way he feels toward me and appreciates the way I am.”

A letter from a doctor-friend who was head of the department at the previous hospital where she worked boosted her sense of self. “I always think of Melissa as a genius, and for her to say I was smart, meant so much to me. I thought she’d say I was great with people, but smart…I’m so touched.”

Hopefully most of us know we matter to our family, our closest friends, our co-workers—but receiving a letter expressing our value to another is priceless! When we’re feeling a little down or unloved, we can take those letters out to lift our spirits and be reminded, we matter, we’re loved, we’re appreciated for being just the way we are—we make a difference. As givers and receivers tribute letters are joy, joy, joy!

In my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, I reference Brian Doyle’s TEDx talk, 365 Days of Thank You. After a near fatal car accident, he made it a yearlong mission to thank every person who ever touched his life positively. He did it by phone or in person then wrote them an in-depth letter. Check out his 365 days of thank you blog http://www.briandoyle.co/gratitude  for great letter inspirations. (First you’ll come to a page of graphic images, double click and it will take you to his website.)

Your Takeaways

• So I say to you, who touches your heart? Who do you feel grateful for that you haven’t told? Why not seize the moment and write them a letter today.

• Be specific because then it gives the other person something to repeat in their mind—to savor, and possibly feel wonderful about in a way they haven’t before.

• Be generous with your praise. Gush. What comes from the heart touches the heart. And aren’t heart connections the joy of our life?

• Write a letter, create a tribute book for someone special’s big celebration, send a video – be creative expressing your heart!

Why not say it now with the gift of your words, rather than waiting till it’s too late!

Offer Cookies

Who isn’t feeling all the negativity when you turn on the news these days. We’re angry, disgusted, disheartened and too often feeling it’s us vs them, whichever side of the aisle we’re on. But believe it or not, it’s in our hands to do something about that. In our own small way (which is bigger than we can imagine), we can be a stone that sends out ripples leading to waterfalls of change. Here’s a story from a friend to spark you.

Stop Kicking!

Jill and her eight-year-old granddaughter Abby were flying home from Texas after a happy and exhausting vacation with Abby’s cousins. Soon after they settled into their seats on the plane, Abby leaned over and said, “Grammy, the girl sitting behind me is kicking my seat and it’s uncomfortable.”

“Oh, be patient honey, I’m sure the girl is just getting comfortable and will stop any minute.”

“Grammy, she’s still kicking,” Abby complained at least three more times. So Jill did what any loving grandmother would do who also wanted a little peace on the flight—she intervened. Craning her head over the seat, Jill noticed that the little girl who was Abby’s age, was engaged in a workbook activity with her mom, while her own grandmother looked on. “Excuse me. I’m sure your little girl doesn’t realize it, but she’s kicking my granddaughter’s seat.” The mother glared icily chilling Jill to the bone.  

“Grammy she’s STILL kicking my seat.” Abby whined.

“Abby do you want to say something yourself?” So Abby got on her knees, looked over the seat and said, “Could you please just not kick my seat anymore?” With that the mother started yelling loud enough for the pilot to hear, “NO! She’s not kicking you and she’s not doing anything WRONG!”

The lady in the seat opposite Jill whispered over the aisle, “She must be from the other political party.” While Jill agreed, she felt bad about all the toxic, negative energy she was part of creating. She asked herself, what can I do here? She shifted her mind to look at the woman and the circumstances from a broader perspective. Jill thought, this mother and her daughter are probably just trying to get through the trip. I know the anxiety I cope with when flying, for the mother to react so strongly she must be anxious. I can see how much effort she’s put into making her daughter comfortable with the activities she’s brought for her. I want to do something to make peace…and then it came to her.

In her backpack was a package of chocolate chip cookies. Jill got out of her seat, and said to the mother, I have an extra pack of cookies for my granddaughter. Would your daughter like them?

“Thank you, that’s very nice,” said the mother, as her iciness began to thaw.  

The little girl’s grandmother responded immediately with apologetic gratitude. “This is my granddaughter’s first flight. It’s so hard for kids to sit still.” Turning to her granddaughter she asked, “Lisa would you like to share your coloring book with this lady’s granddaughter?” Without skipping a beat Lisa handed her coloring book to Abby through the space in between the seats.

“Thank you! That’s really nice.” Abby beamed.

“I shouldn’t have shouted. I was just trying so hard to make my daughter’s first plane ride a positive experience,” the mother explained more relaxed now.

“I totally understand,” Jill replied.

Tears ran down the cheeks of the woman across the aisle, she was so moved by what she witnessed, and Jill and the little girl’s mom chatted warmly for the rest of the trip. When Jill shared this story with me, I could see how her choice to focus on their commonalities not only made her happier and inspired, but it rippled good energy out to at least the five other people involved.  

Look for Connections

This is what we need to do with people on the other side of the political divide. If we can catch ourselves when we’re judging, hating, or retaliating in kind, and just pause… and look at the person from a broader perspective, as Jill did—we can find our common ground, and that’s the place I feel good about coming from. How about you?

Believe me, I swear at the TV and get all worked up about things going on in our country and the world, but when it comes to individuals, I am committed to the affirming way of life. My neighbor may have different political views than I have, but she loves her son passionately like I do mine, she is smart and I love talking to her about books, and she is committed to family just like me. I choose to see the good in her which shapes the way we relate.

Each morning I spiritually center myself by reading a lesson from The Course in Miracles. I love this: “The whole reality of our relationship with God, lies in our relationship with one another.” It reminds me how important the way I view and treat others is.

Your Takeaways

• Choose to be a force for good. Catch yourself when being a hater, and shift your perspective to see the good in the other person, especially now with the polarized political divide.

• Look for commonalities—our shared humanity, to nurture your connection with others.

•   Know that every instance, (as seemingly small as offering a cookie), that you focus on the good and what you have in common with others, shapes your life and the world!

Why not bridge the political divide and commit to being a force for good today!