Would You Rather Receive a Compliment or an Affirmation?

Recently I gave a book talk at my local library. The next morning I called a friend who attended for feedback. Her thoughts tuned me into some subtleties I thought would be valuable for my blog readers. Ann said, “Gail, from your talk, and knowing you so well, I know that affirming goes much deeper than a compliment.” I agree with Ann.

Compliment vs Affirmation

A compliment tends to be on the superficial level, often about appearances. “Your hair looks nice.” “Your dress is beautiful.” “Your house is lovely.” The online Oxford Dictionary defines compliment as a polite expression of praise or admiration; flattery. I’m not saying compliments are worthless, far from it. Who doesn’t like to hear a compliment? But sincerity can come into question because compliments tend to lack substance.

Affirmations, as I speak of them, come from the heart. To affirm someone is to value them. It involves pausing to appreciate—a kindness, an accomplishment, someone’s good fortune, a positive change, a strong wonderful quality they possess, something special about their appearance, their generosity, their service…the list is endless. It is a generosity of spirit on our part as the giver, to take the time to value and then express our positive thoughts or feelings to another understanding that our words are a gift, possibly more valuable than any material thing.

In my book I give some basic guidelines when affirming.

·         Be specific- (particularly when recognizing a quality or strength in another’s character) describe in detail what the person did well, so that she can recognize it within and internally praise herself too. 

·         Be sincere- words from the heart go right to the heart.

Heartfelt Examples of Affirming

The other big thing Ann made me aware of, was that it would help the participants at my talk to understand how I find the words and actually express an affirmation.

Last night I was at my cousin Brenda’s to celebrate the break-the-fast for Yom Kippur. I did as I always do. Each person I encountered during the evening I looked for a positive thing to say to them. Why? It creates a positive flow between myself and the other person. It’s a joy! We smile and laugh and enjoy each other when affirmations pass between us.

I knew I was going to see my nephew Jarett’s in-laws. Their older daughter Kimberly had not only gotten married the weekend before, but two days later she was on every TV station being interviewed as the New Jersey State Teacher of the Year. I knew I wanted to congratulate them and recognize this very special moment in their lives. I was imagining that they must be overjoyed with the good fortune of their daughter’s successes. As soon as I saw them at Brenda’s I said, “Kathleen and Howard, what an amazing time in your life! Not only do you have the nachas (good fortune) of having two daughters married in two years, but Kimberly is recognized all over the news as the most outstanding teacher in NJ! I am so happy for you! Tell me about it.” We hugged, they filled me in on details and I joyfully shared in their happiness.

Another one of my cousin Brenda’s daughter-in-laws, Jamie, had her Aunt Marla, who’s like a mother to her, with us. Early in the evening I saw her knitting a beautiful multicolored glove. The easiest way for me to connect with her was to compliment her work so I said, “I love the colors and design you’re knitting. Who’s it for?” She answered and we had a brief positive connection. Later though, I affirmed her. As she was leaving I did a quick reflection on how she always seems to be there for her niece, Jamie, and her great nieces, Jamie’s children. “It’s so beautiful how you are so there for Jamie. I can see you’re like a mother to her.” I looked Marla in the eyes and said it with the deepest sincerity knowing from observation that having never married or had children of her own, Jamie was like her daughter. She told me some family background that I didn’t know about—how Jamie and her brothers often stayed with her on weekends as they were growing up. I responded, “Sometimes we are blessed to have children we don’t give birth to.” We hugged and both of us felt touched.

It’s About Caring and Connecting With Others

I love receiving and giving affirmations. It means so much to me when someone expresses a heartfelt affirmation to me, I feel valued, recognized and worthy. My positive sense of self has absolutely evolved in part based on the affirmations I’ve received. I feel complete paying the gifts I’ve received forward. I live a life where affirming is as much a part of how I live as brushing my teeth. Affirming for me is like smiling or saying thank you for most people. Those are social courtesies. I have learned to connect more meaningfully with others through affirmations. I love building people up recognizing their abilities, appreciating and encouraging them. Every positive thing we say to others benefits them. I feel peaceful knowing that most moments I interact with others I am spreading the good, by seeing and speaking the good. How about you?

Why not choose to affirm people to support them and spread the good!

Unreciprocated Affirming

Do you have a relationship (or two) where you affirm and support the other person with your words but you feel it’s unreciprocated? You may question the person’s feelings for you or feel a subtle coldness like something’s missing.

Lenore and I spent a beautiful, crisp, fall day enjoying the trees, conversation, and an outdoor art display at a local park. After walking for an hour, we sat down on a bench and she told me this story. “Last weekend my husband, John and I had dinner with my oldest friend from childhood. I complimented her on how wonderful she looked in her red dress. When she told me about how her son got a promotion at his job, I said how happy I was for her and for him. I told her she had so much to be proud of in her parenting with how well her kids turned out, and I sincerely meant it. Yet when I talked about my kids, she listened then changed the subject. No comments.”

Lenore went on, “I realized, my friend never gives me a compliment. I compliment her because it’s how I feel. But I feel like I’m always being positive with her and it’s a one way street. It makes me feel like she doesn’t see me because she’s so wrapped up in her own world.”

I’ve certainly had the same experience, and all of us have had the experience of being either the friend or Lenore in a relationship. Through the years I’ve observed that I feel closer and share more of my full self with people who affirm me. I’m not saying they need to affirm me every time we’re together (though my affirmer-self enjoys that even more), but when someone affirms me I know they value, appreciate or admire me in some way. I feel more accepted.

Lenore and I discussed why some people may not affirm us and how to deal with it. Here are the takeaways from our conversation.

Your Takeaways

• It is not some people’s nature to affirm or compliment. They may not have grown up with a family that affirmed them. They may be unaware of how much expressing their heart means. They may assume we know how good we are.

• Affirming is a choice we make that enables our heart to reach out and connect with others. We affirm because it’s who we are and makes us feel happy making others feel good.

•   When we affirm sincerely we are coming from our best self. Recognizing this is a compliment to ourselves.  I might say to myself, “I’m so proud of you Gailie for freely sharing your heart with no expectations.”

• Sometimes relationships run their course. We can ask our self if the relationship still feels valuable and meaningful to us. If not, it may become a relationship we put on a back burner.   

•   Life is a flow.  We give good energy to one person and get good energy back from someone else. Whatever we put out comes back to us. We become magnets for the contents of our thoughts, words and deeds.

Why not choose to come from your best self and your heart no matter what? Not only are you putting out good energy in the world, you’re gifting yourself!