Do you have a relationship (or two) where you affirm and support the other person with your words but you feel it’s unreciprocated? You may question the person’s feelings for you or feel a subtle coldness like something’s missing.
Lenore and I spent a beautiful, crisp, fall day enjoying the trees, conversation, and an outdoor art display at a local park. After walking for an hour, we sat down on a bench and she told me this story. “Last weekend my husband, John and I had dinner with my oldest friend from childhood. I complimented her on how wonderful she looked in her red dress. When she told me about how her son got a promotion at his job, I said how happy I was for her and for him. I told her she had so much to be proud of in her parenting with how well her kids turned out, and I sincerely meant it. Yet when I talked about my kids, she listened then changed the subject. No comments.”
Lenore went on, “I realized, my friend never gives me a compliment. I compliment her because it’s how I feel. But I feel like I’m always being positive with her and it’s a one way street. It makes me feel like she doesn’t see me because she’s so wrapped up in her own world.”
I’ve certainly had the same experience, and all of us have had the experience of being either the friend or Lenore in a relationship. Through the years I’ve observed that I feel closer and share more of my full self with people who affirm me. I’m not saying they need to affirm me every time we’re together (though my affirmer-self enjoys that even more), but when someone affirms me I know they value, appreciate or admire me in some way. I feel more accepted.
Lenore and I discussed why some people may not affirm us and how to deal with it. Here are the takeaways from our conversation.
Your Takeaways
It is not some people’s nature to affirm or compliment. They may not have grown up with a family that affirmed them. They may be unaware of how much expressing their heart means. They may assume we know how good we are.
Affirming is a choice we make that enables our heart to reach out and connect with others. We affirm because it’s who we are and makes us feel happy making others feel good.
When we affirm sincerely we are coming from our best self. Recognizing this is a compliment to ourselves. I might say to myself, “I’m so proud of you Gailie for freely sharing your heart with no expectations.”
Sometimes relationships run their course. We can ask our self if the relationship still feels valuable and meaningful to us. If not, it may become a relationship we put on a back burner.
Life is a flow. We give good energy to one person and get good energy back from someone else. Whatever we put out comes back to us. We become magnets for the contents of our thoughts, words and deeds.
Why not choose to come from your best self and your heart no matter what? Not only are you putting out good energy in the world, you’re gifting yourself!
