Recently I gave a book talk at my local library. The next morning I called a friend who attended for feedback. Her thoughts tuned me into some subtleties I thought would be valuable for my blog readers. Ann said, “Gail, from your talk, and knowing you so well, I know that affirming goes much deeper than a compliment.” I agree with Ann.
Compliment vs Affirmation
A compliment tends to be on the superficial level, often about appearances. “Your hair looks nice.” “Your dress is beautiful.” “Your house is lovely.” The online Oxford Dictionary defines compliment as a polite expression of praise or admiration; flattery. I’m not saying compliments are worthless, far from it. Who doesn’t like to hear a compliment? But sincerity can come into question because compliments tend to lack substance.
Affirmations, as I speak of them, come from the heart. To affirm someone is to value them. It involves pausing to appreciate—a kindness, an accomplishment, someone’s good fortune, a positive change, a strong wonderful quality they possess, something special about their appearance, their generosity, their service…the list is endless. It is a generosity of spirit on our part as the giver, to take the time to value and then express our positive thoughts or feelings to another understanding that our words are a gift, possibly more valuable than any material thing.
In my book I give some basic guidelines when affirming.
· Be specific- (particularly when recognizing a quality or strength in another’s character) describe in detail what the person did well, so that she can recognize it within and internally praise herself too.
· Be sincere- words from the heart go right to the heart.
Heartfelt Examples of Affirming
The other big thing Ann made me aware of, was that it would help the participants at my talk to understand how I find the words and actually express an affirmation.
Last night I was at my cousin Brenda’s to celebrate the break-the-fast for Yom Kippur. I did as I always do. Each person I encountered during the evening I looked for a positive thing to say to them. Why? It creates a positive flow between myself and the other person. It’s a joy! We smile and laugh and enjoy each other when affirmations pass between us.
I knew I was going to see my nephew Jarett’s in-laws. Their older daughter Kimberly had not only gotten married the weekend before, but two days later she was on every TV station being interviewed as the New Jersey State Teacher of the Year. I knew I wanted to congratulate them and recognize this very special moment in their lives. I was imagining that they must be overjoyed with the good fortune of their daughter’s successes. As soon as I saw them at Brenda’s I said, “Kathleen and Howard, what an amazing time in your life! Not only do you have the nachas (good fortune) of having two daughters married in two years, but Kimberly is recognized all over the news as the most outstanding teacher in NJ! I am so happy for you! Tell me about it.” We hugged, they filled me in on details and I joyfully shared in their happiness.
Another one of my cousin Brenda’s daughter-in-laws, Jamie, had her Aunt Marla, who’s like a mother to her, with us. Early in the evening I saw her knitting a beautiful multicolored glove. The easiest way for me to connect with her was to compliment her work so I said, “I love the colors and design you’re knitting. Who’s it for?” She answered and we had a brief positive connection. Later though, I affirmed her. As she was leaving I did a quick reflection on how she always seems to be there for her niece, Jamie, and her great nieces, Jamie’s children. “It’s so beautiful how you are so there for Jamie. I can see you’re like a mother to her.” I looked Marla in the eyes and said it with the deepest sincerity knowing from observation that having never married or had children of her own, Jamie was like her daughter. She told me some family background that I didn’t know about—how Jamie and her brothers often stayed with her on weekends as they were growing up. I responded, “Sometimes we are blessed to have children we don’t give birth to.” We hugged and both of us felt touched.
It’s About Caring and Connecting With Others
I love receiving and giving affirmations. It means so much to me when someone expresses a heartfelt affirmation to me, I feel valued, recognized and worthy. My positive sense of self has absolutely evolved in part based on the affirmations I’ve received. I feel complete paying the gifts I’ve received forward. I live a life where affirming is as much a part of how I live as brushing my teeth. Affirming for me is like smiling or saying thank you for most people. Those are social courtesies. I have learned to connect more meaningfully with others through affirmations. I love building people up recognizing their abilities, appreciating and encouraging them. Every positive thing we say to others benefits them. I feel peaceful knowing that most moments I interact with others I am spreading the good, by seeing and speaking the good. How about you?
