Write Gratitude Letters to Boost Your Happiness

The way you came into my life at the two crossroads of my work-life, always has made me feel it was bershert, from God. Such an influence you’ve had on the course of my life! First, you got me the interview that launched my 38-year teaching career. There I got to make a difference in so many lives and established such deep, meaningful relationships. Then with another nudge from the Universe, I was reunited with you after a 30-year hiatus, and you guided me through all the stages of publishing to publish my dream-fulfilling book!...I am grateful and feel blessed beyond blessed for your precious friendship.

Pretty nice thing to receive, right?

The Assignment

This is an excerpt from a letter I recently wrote to a friend as part of an assignment I had from an online course. We were to choose one of the new habits (called rewirements) that we were willing to practice for four weeks in the hope of developing a long-term habit. I chose to write gratitude letters because I love to express my heart to others and was curious if writing the letters would indeed make me feel happier as the research suggests.

Oh, and an important piece of the assignment is the letter must be personally delivered then read. Now that can feel awkward, and during these Covid-19 times, can be especially difficult because we are now just starting to visit with people, 6 feet apart, of course. So most of my letters I’ve read via Zoom or FaceTime, then emailed them as a precious keepsake.

I was first intrigued with the research when I was writing a chapter on appreciative words for my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good. Dr. Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology, found that expressing gratitude to someone who has made a big difference in your life, increased the happiness of participants in his study more than any other intervention, with benefits lasting up to a month. Powerful!

Benefits to the Letter Writer and the Recipient

I can’t tell you yet, if the happy feeling lasts for a month, but I can tell you all the good writing and sharing the letters has brought to me and the recipients of the letters. For me, reflecting on the positive ways other dear people have impacted my life shows me how loved and supported I’ve been.

1. Too often we focus on what’s missing or wrong in our life, but a gratitude letter shifts our attention to the blessings we’ve been graced with. In my chapter on appreciative words, I talk about the grateful pause. I discovered this technique as I was composing a thank you letter to a woman who was kindly looking in on my ill father.

“Expressing appreciation allowed me to take a grateful pause and savor the comfort Carol brought to me and my family. Though my words were intended to make her feel loved, being appreciative reminded me of how loved and blessed I was. Expressing my appreciation was a gift for both of us. ”

2. So far, I’ve written seven letters. As a whole, they show me how much I’ve grown. The following is from multiple letters:

“I came to you feeling shame and disconnected from my communities. Bit by bit you helped me trust myself and become a deeply happy person…You showed me I had a message that was valued…You saw the best in me and helped me to see it too…Your faith in me has made all the difference in me pursuing my dream, and using my talents to make a difference in the world…You inspired me with four practices that bring me great peace and joy that I share with others.”

I say to myself, you’ve come a long way baby. And I know it’s because as the Beatles sing, I get by with a little (a lot of) help from my friends.

   3. Probably the thing I love most about these gratitude letters is the closeness it makes me feel to the people who’ve most deeply touched my life. I would say I spent about 30 minutes writing each letter. As I reflected on the person’s contributions to my life, my heart swelled with love for him or her. I imagine my letters creating golden webs of connection between myself and my recipients. Reading the letters were teary, joyful, truly uplifting moments for both of us.  I wrote down some of the responses to inspire you to write your own letters.

“Oy vey, I don’t think I will ever feel sad or lonely again…I will always cherish your letter. Your words so truly describe our friendship and how we mutually love and care for one another. I will read your letter often when I am down, when I feel alone, when I need your comforting thoughts…I am so touched you took the time to write this letter. This is what’s important in life. I treasure you.”

And when I asked my husband, Gus, the first letter recipient, how he liked the letter he said, “I’d like to frame it.” Done!

Your Takeaways

• Take a grateful pause and make a list of people who’ve made a big difference in your life.

• Commit to writing one hearfelt letter a week. Explain how he or she has touched your life and why he or she is meaningful to you.  I promise you the joy you will feel will be the best moments you experience in the week.

• Call, visit, FaceTime, or Zoom the person and read him or her your letter. Then give them a copy in person or via email.

• Keep a copy of each letter for yourself. Reflect on your blessings and personal growth as you reread your letters.

• Savor the closeness you are nurturing with those who’ve touched your life.

The subtitle of my book encapsulates the impact of gratitude letters.

When we SEE THE GOOD in our own life because of our relationships,

and we SPEAK THE GOOD by writing gratitude letters and sharing them,

WE SPREAD THE GOOD energy to our relationships and to the larger world!

Why not write a gratitude letter today?!

3 Rituals for Connecting in Covid-19 Times

What are you missing during Covid-19? One sad loss we’ve all seen highlighted on the nightly news is graduation ceremonies. High school and college seniors who looked forward to celebrating this major milestone with their classmates and family, will not get to do so.

“Rituals matter in our society,” says Chancellor Rebecca Blank of the University of Wisconsin, Madison.  “When you get to the end of one part of life and go to another that needs to be marked.” Yes it does.

Chancellor Blank got me thinking about how important rituals are. Rituals enable us to share major life transitions to receive emotional support from our loved ones and community. Sadly these most important life events like weddings, bar mitzvahs, baby showers, and even funerals have been put on hold.

Creating Rituals for the Times

Amidst this time of great loss, something inspiring and amazing is showing up: the creativity of the human spirit to find new ways to celebrate and connect. Nothing shows this better than the care and creativity of administrators, teachers and parents finding joyous way to make their children’s graduation memorable. Here’re some that stick out to me:

• A Brooklyn principal lined the school fence with posters of the seniors portraits

• Graduate parades of cars strung with streamers and gold 2020 balloons

• Students cruise the Indianapolis Raceway track to pick up their diploma

• And my favorite – The father of Gabrielle Pierce of Louisiana graduated his daughter from Xavier University, on a stage in full regalia in their driveway to the hoots and cheers of family and neighbors 6 feet apart in the street!

I look forward to these displays on the nightly news. They make me smile and laugh and bring tears to my eyes. What doesn’t go as expected makes even better memories!

Making Meaning

In Finding Meaning, David Kessler, grief expert and former collaborator with Elizabeth Kubler Ross, has written an amazing book that is helping me reflect on how we can make the best of our life circumstances during Covid-19. The focus of his book is how to go on living a life of meaning, purpose and someday even happiness, after the loss of a loved one. On a global scale, we are all coping with the loss of life as we know it. David says,

“Our worst moments can be the seeds of our best moments. They have an amazing power to transform us… Loss is simply what happens in life. Meaning is what you make happen.”

And that is just what we see happening with the alternative celebrations of our graduates.

Rituals for major life events as well as daily rituals anchor our connection with ourselves and others. Rituals are important to us individually, as couples, with our families, our friends, and with our larger community. They give us feelings of comfort and stability, reinforce who we are and who we are with each other. Rituals are literally the stuff that structures our life and helps us make it meaningful and fulfilling.

Living during Covid-19 times is an opportunity to continue those rituals that are still possible and create new ones that keep the love and connection flowing.

Meaningful Rituals

1.  With Ourselves: Centering rituals that help us to feel connected to ourselves are an anchor at all times, but especially now. Even five minutes daily with one or more of the rituals I am suggesting can support your inner connection. I speak from experience, having felt unmoored for many years before adopting these.

• Meditation – has benefits that include improved focus and less stress. I recommend using a meditation app such as the one I use, Insight Timer. It offers guided meditations, soothing music, chat groups, a timer, and rewards to motivate your practice. It connects me to myself and meditators around the world. Beginning or ending your day with meditation is centering.

• Gratitude –helps us to develop a positive mindset. I began my practice by expressing daily gratitude for at least five things at bedtime. I now also express gratitude throughout my day for each blessing I experience. Things like receiving a loving text, a sunny warm day with a cool breeze, or my husband’s kind words for my cooking. Bookending your day with a gratitude ritual can change your life. It has mine.

• Walks in Nature – tunes us into the life force and beauty of the world surrounding us. Walking with others is a major pastime now, but a walk by yourself can help you feel connected to the environment and a greater spiritual reality beyond the four walls of your home. One friend has created a ritual of walking every afternoon with her 88-year-old neighbor. They explore different neighborhoods and have had the joy of getting to know each other better.

2.      With Others: Strange times call for new rituals for feeling connected with the people who matter to us.

• Zoom – of course, is the new way of connecting during corona virus times. Many of us are zooming to connect with individuals, groups, and to continue celebrating the important events in our lives.

  I usually have Passover at my house. This year my family zoomed an abridged Passover Seder and then 35 of us chatted. I felt uplifted for a week. Another friend had a zoom party for her husband’s birthday. I have a zoom ritual to chat with a dear friend weekly. Other friends zoom mahjong. The possibilities are endless.

• New Rituals With Those You Live With – Before Covid-19, my husband and I used to make plans like dinners out, entertainment, and vacations. Creating small rituals with those we live with can give us something to look forward to.

  I find my time with my husband all the more precious now. We’re doing small things together that we might have done on a vacation like reflecting, chatting, and enjoying the moment. We had happy hour each evening for the first month and half to take the edge off lockdown. Now, before dinner, we go for a walk and after dinner, work on a puzzle together. Watching TV series’ are our entertainment. On weekends we’ve begun walking or bike riding in lovely outdoor places we used to enjoy. Places that were commonplace before now feel thrilling to revisit. Our favorite ritual is when our son and his girlfriend come for weekly outdoor barbecues—six feet apart, of course!

  Other creative rituals I’ve seen: An Albany couple takes a daily walk including a photo of their shoes in different positions and something of beauty in nature. A group of seventeen year-olds from Irvington, NY, meet in a parking lot each night, roll down their windows, and sing and chat to the same radio station.

3.  With Our Larger World Community: I am heartened every time I get to see how people are coming together in unity to support others and have a little fun. It reinforces my sense of connection with all of humanity. The nightly Italian balcony singers and musicians inspired others all over the world to join together in a spirit of unity and creativity sharing their talents.

 I try to watch on the news at least one thing positive going on in our country and the world. There is so much generosity of spirit in the face of these fearful isolating times. Here are a few examples:

• Captain Tom Moore – the 99-year-old British war veteran who walked back and forth bent over his walker, to support Britain’s health care system and all those in need. His hope was to raise $1200. He actually raised a whopping $44 million thanks to the outpouring of support from the larger community.

• The Masked Warriors, with more than 1400 members sewing thousands of masks for hospitals in need. 

• Concerts streamed from performers homes like The Academy of Country Music, Broadway Disney Sings, and One World Together at Home to entertain us and raise money for hospital supplies and food for the hungry.

• Donating to WHO and local food pantries is my small contribution to our larger community in need.

Why not create some meaningful rituals of your own to feel connected to yourself, your loved ones, and the world? I’d love to hear about them.

An Unexpected Covid -19 Gift – Savoring

Yesterday was sunny with a cool breeze, so I seized the opportunity to venture out of my house. As I strolled down my sidewalk, I swooned at the neon green color of my lawn. Rain-drenched spring grass is so vibrant! I thrilled seeing the trees I passed with their infant leaves. Gently raising the end of branches, I marveled at the intricate patterns of leaves, petals and seeds.

“How beautiful you all are! Bless you for continuing your normal flow of life, when nothing is normal for us humans.”

Being cooped up at home, I was appreciating nature more deeply than usual.

The Why

So much is missing from our lives now. We can’t travel, go out to eat, go to venues for entertainment, and worst of all for me, can’t visit with loved ones and friends. Our sphere of activity has shrunk to the confines of our homes and neighborhood. At times, the uncertainty of when the world will be safe to move freely in again, feels like a nightmare I’m fighting to wake up from.

“ Knowing how to cope with negative events and savor positive ones are two sides of the coin of life experiences. Both are essential for living a happy life.”

— Jan Stanley

Focus on All That’s Still Good

So I refocus on what I do have, what I still have. I savor, or focus in on the small everyday good things I am still blessed with. I notice something precious, pause to thoroughly enjoy the pleasure of it, and appreciate in words the joy it’s bringing me.

Here’s an example. I usually put my hands together in thanks for the food I eat, but now, I savor so much beyond the food itself. My go to breakfast these days are smoothies. Before I take my first sip, I thank the sun, the rain and the soil for nurturing the spinach, berries, almonds, ginger, apples, and greens in my protein powder. I thank every person involved in the process of making it possible for these foods to be available to me (with a shout out to my son Theo, who now picks up groceries for his over-age-60 mom). I’m grateful for my trusty Oster blender that liquefies all these wonderful fruits and veggies. And I thank God for it all.

Then I use my senses to fully experience the pleasure of my smoothie. I delight in the its beautiful olive green color, its rich creamy texture, and its cold gingery taste.

A Fresh Perspective on Normal Life

Every life experience, positive or negative, is an opportunity to grow and embrace the challenge before us. In our busy, active lives, we often overlook the fundamental gifts we’re blessed with. Now with our sphere of life so condensed, those gifts are front and center:

A roof over our heads, a bed to sleep in, food to eat, running water, a hot shower and soap to bathe; our health; being able to move, breathe, speak; good books to read, wonderful entertainment to stream, music to lift and soothe our spirit; flowers blooming, the sun rising and setting, the stars in the night sky; loved ones blessedly safe and healthy who we can zoom or FaceTime to share laughter, fears, and our hearts with.  

Savoring our everyday blessings can help us through the greatest challenge of our lifetime. Covid 19 right now seems interminable. We have no idea how long it will be until we can again move freely in the world or embrace our loved ones who live apart from us. I know I am counting the days when I can hug my son, Theo and my sister, Lois. I have a feeling they’ll have to pry me away. For now, appreciating all we do have, is the best way I know to face this challenge.

My vision is that when there is a vaccine, and life resumes, we will be better people for this challenge. We will appreciate the fundamental blessings of our lives (health, home, loved ones, nature) be more generous of spirit, and conserve our precious resources.

Your Takeaways

• Savor all the fundamentals you do have that bring you comfort and pleasure.

• Appreciate sensory details of sight, sound, smell, taste and feelings

• Reach out daily to loved ones to savor your connections.

• Develop the habit of opening your heart to the goodness you’re blessed with.

Why not today, be like George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life, and wake up to appreciate the simple joys ever present in your life!

What are you savoring these days? I’d love to hear from you.

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For practical tips on deepening your relationships, check out my award-winning book: