Develop This One Habit to Extend Your Life

What would you say if I told you eating well, genetics, and exercise are not the greatest predictors of how you’ll grow old? That’s right.

An exciting 80 year study, conducted by Harvard researchers reveals the surprising secret to a long happy life. Following 724 men of all different walks of life—from college age throughout the course of their whole life, they found that quality RELATIONSHIPS were the single greatest predictor of aging well.

“Those who kept warm relationships got to live longer and happier,” says Robert Waldinger, director of the study. “It wasn’t their middle-age cholesterol levels that predicted how they were going to grow old. It was how satisfied they were in their relationships.”

I highly recommend Waldinger’s twelve minute TED talk “What Makes a Good Life? Lessons from the Longest Study on Happiness.” It’s been viewed over 30,000,000 times, if that’s any indicator of the interest in the study’s findings!

Harvard Study Supports The Affirming Way of Life

I of course, got excited about this information because it supports my essential message in The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good: our relationships are precious. When we nurture them with heartfelt sincere praise and appreciation, we feel closer and more connected. And now we know, not only does it make us feel more fulfilled emotionally and spiritually, it extends our physical lives, too! 

So I ask you, how are you tending your precious relationships? Do you pause each day to take in and appreciate something about those you’re closest to? Do you then take a moment and tell the person the good you notice and feel?

I totally understand that when you read this, you think to yourself, I should do that. It’s a good idea. And then you don’t. Why not? Maybe it’s because we’re all flooded with so much input: responsibilities, angst over the news, health concerns, family worries, we’re tired… that we just don’t think of it.

Make it a Habit

Here’s my suggestion: Make affirming a habit.

Let me tell you how I made it a habit. As I was writing The Affirming Way of Life, I realized not only was I not appreciating my husband, I was actually taking him for granted. Rather than noticing the good he did and the warmth and kindness he brought into my life, my focus was on the things he didn’t do. My wake-up call came when he said to me, “You always have positive things to say about the people you work with, but I don’t hear a word of appreciation about me.”

Whoa! My affirmer-self felt ashamed. He was right. I began by affirming him regularly for one thing—doing the dishes. “Thanks honey. I so appreciate you washing the dishes. I feel calmer when the kitchen is clean.” My affirmations expanded to appreciating him for listening, for considering my feelings…for many of his substantial actions and ways of being.

The more I affirmed Gus, the more he affirmed me, and a more loving vibe began flowing between us. This experience showed me how necessary affirming is to nurturing the love and joy in our relationship. So my tips are:

• Commit to affirming your dearest loved one(s) daily. Consider it like brushing your teeth, necessary for your well-being.

• Pause and ask yourself: What do I appreciate or admire about my person today or in general? How does my person impact my life?

• Affirm your person specifically and sincerely. When we are specific, we give the person something to repeat to themselves to build their inner good feelings. When we’re sincere, our words go from our heart to theirs. We nurture warmth that deepens the love and joy in our relationships and even extends our longevity.

Why not extend your life by regularly affirming the precious people in your life—starting today!

Your Caring Words Can Save a Life

This is how much our caring words mean—they can save a life. Even if it’s not literally, our caring words in person or in a note, an email, or a text can touch someone’s life when they need it most. Here’s an inspiring story of when the words didn’t show up, the miracle that followed, and the life dedicated to reminding others to seize the moment and express caring words when they’re direly needed. 

If Just One Person Showed They Cared

Recently, one of on my favorite morning shows, CBS Sunday Morning, featured Kevin Hines. When he was nineteen, feeling like a hopeless burden on everyone, he jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. Hines was one of only thirty jumpers out of 1600 to have survived. He said, “If just one person had showed me an ounce of concern, I wouldn’t have jumped.”

 He knows how much caring words mean. When he was hospitalized for his injuries, he received a note that said, “You’re a good person and you matter.” This made all the difference in his recovery. Now he travels around the country talking about suicide prevention and the role of caring letters.

Hines says, “A note is tangible, something you can hold onto, and read over and over for support.”

Caring Letters and Suicide Prevention

Caring letters as an approach to prevent suicide was the brainchild of Dr. Jerry Motto, a psychiatrist at the University of CA. During World War II when he was overseas, the letters he received from home made him feel connected. He thought, why not offer the same sense of connection to patients?

 In the early ‘70’s he conducted a study of people recently released from psychiatric hospitals and at risk for suicide. Half the group received about eight caring notes a year   from his staff, and the other half didn’t. In the first two years the suicide rate of those receiving caring letters was half the rate of those who didn’t. Caring notes are worth their weight in gold when someone is vulnerable and suffering.

A Story Close to Home

I know how much caring notes mean when someone’s at their lowest. When my sister-in-law Fay, was diagnosed with stage four ovarian cancer, initially she felt her life was over. But she says the caring notes she’d surprisingly receive totally shifted her attitude.

 “Week after week I’d receive cards from other women living with ovarian cancer. It was so kind of these strangers to write me to lift my spirits. I stopped feeling poor me. If they could survive, I thought I could too. The cards made me feel hopeful. Each was a little blessing.”

This is what living the affirming way of life is about. Seize the moment to make a difference in someone else’s life by expressing your heart or a few kind words. Here are six tips to get yourself going:

6 Tips on Sending Caring Notes

1.  Reach out and don’t make excuses to yourself when you notice someone is feeling low.

2. A few heartfelt sentences of hope is gold to someone who’s sad or down in the dumps.

3. In your words, focus on what you value in the person. “You are a kind person. I never hear you say a bad thing about anyone.”

4. Say something encouraging. “You’re going to get through this.”

5. Make your message about the receiver not yourself. Instead of beginning with “I…” begin with “You..”

6. Don’t over think your message. Better to send an email or text or to make a call than not. Time can be of the essence!

Learn more about Kevin Hines work in his book, Cracked Not Broken, Surviving and Thriving After a Suicide Attempt. He also has a documentary, Suicide: The Ripple Effect.

Why not send that caring note today and lift someone’s spirits!

Thanksgiving Thoughts—Fill Your Own Cup, Then You Have So Much More to Share

Thanksgiving is coming up, and so we think about gathering with loved ones, the amazing turkey meal, and in the rush of travel and preparations, hopefully, some passing thoughts about all we have to be grateful for. I have discovered daily, hourly, moment-filled gratitude, is what fills my cup, and has literally transformed me! My gratitude practice fuels me to see the good, speak the good, and spread the good, and it can do the same for you.

A Gratitude Practice

I began my gratitude practice many years ago, by reflecting on my day, as I lay my head on my pillow, ready to drift off to sleep. With exuberance from my heart, I’d thank God (believing all the everyday ordinary goodness and safety were huge gifts I was blessed with from beyond) for my loving, devoted husband, for our precious son, Theo, doing well, for my angel sister; then basic things like my steaming bowl of oatmeal accompanied by the NY Times, a brisk walk under sunny skies listening to an inspiring podcast; goals for the day accomplished and savored; moments when I made someone else smile or said the just right thing they needed to hear to keep going; the enrichment of a book or show; the joy of loving kind words received, laughter shared, or a meaningful conversation.

Millions of perceptions, thoughts, experiences, feelings, and people, are cause for gratitude. Overtime, in addition to my sacred bedtime practice, I am grateful moment by moment. The gift this morning of my hot shower and lilac scented soap from my friend, Jere; the swaying branches of the pine tree outside my window as I get to write this blog to you—all reasons to pause and feel the preciousness of now.  My cup is full to the brim with goodness to share.

Gratitude Makes Your Brain Happier

Neuropsychologist, Rick Hanson, author of Hardwiring Happiness, says, though our brains are hardwired to be negative as a survival mechanism passed down from our caveman ancestors, every time we savor a positive moment for 10 seconds or more, we actually install it in our brain and overtime our brain centers actually become more positive.

 Sweeten Your Cup With Self-Praise

A warm cup of gratitude tea is even better sweetened. I sweeten my cup with self-supporting words of praise. We all have inner critics of varied degrees of meanness. Mine used to rear its nasty head whenever I’d disappoint myself or someone else.  It would say things like, “You are no good. You messed up, again! You’re not as good as___.“ Now I talk to myself kindly, gently, sweetly, as I would to anyone I care about. If I mess up, I say, “It’s OK, Gail. You did your best, you’ll do better next time.”

Self-praise is the sweetest of sweets. Each time I do something good, like complete a task or goal, am kind and loving, do something challenging, keep my commitments to myself, make a difference in someone’s life—I do a full-out victory dance in my head, and say to myself (sometimes even aloud), “I’m so proud of you, Gailie!” Self-praise supports me in feeling capable, worthwhile, and good about myself.

I consciously choose these practices. When we saturate our consciousness and brain with gratitude, we develop sight for the good in everyone and everything. When we’re grateful for what is, and we sweeten it with loving self-supportive words, we have so much more to give. Gratitude and self-affirmation are the source from which our loving affirming way of life is sparked.

Your Takeaways

•   Begin a daily gratitude practice to install the good in your brain and heart.

• Be kind to yourself and notice all the good you do. Praise yourself for it! You will be sweetening your own tea and have an abundance of sweetness to share. 

Why not fill your cup with gratitude and the sweetness of self-supporting words, because you have so much good to give! Happiest Thanksgiving, I am grateful to have you in my Affirming Way of Life family. May you feel blessed beyond measure!