Some Strategies for Dealing With Your Critical-Self

I write to you every two weeks about being an affirmer—focusing on the good in others and telling them. But what about your anti-affirmer, your critical-self? We all have one! I can tell you it’s through my deep acquaintance with my own critical self (oh, and she’s been quite the cause of great suffering) that my affirmer-self has been able to rise to the center stage of my life.

  Our Criticisms of Others Reflect Our Criticism of Ourselves

I have come to understand that my criticism of others reflects my criticism of myself.  For much of my adult life I tried very hard to fit in and be normal, because growing up with my bipolar mother, I felt anything but normal. So of course, when my husband and son behaved in ways that did not fit in socially in my eyes, my critical-self reared her head. “You talk too much about yourself. You’ve got to be a better listener to develop friendships,” I might lecture either one of them. I wanted to fit in, so I dumped my need on them! 

Another area I’d criticize my family for was not working hard enough to achieve goals. Again, me! I saw my family as a reflection of me. My good news is that as I’ve been able to heal and develop my wounded inner self, I have stopped expecting my family to complete me.

How about you? What do you criticize others for? Is there something you’ve been discontent with that you’re projecting onto those you’re closest to? In an excellent article at Oprah.com by Martha Beck, “The Three Questions You Need to Ask Yourself Before Criticizing Someone”, Martha quotes Bryon Katie, “I am whatever I believe you to be.” See if Katie’s wise insight can help you get perspective on your critical-self.

Is There a Right Time to Criticize Family and Friends

The answer is a great big NO! What can being critical get us? Separation? Defensiveness? Harbored hurt and anger?

Relationship expert, John Gottman, PhD, has studied marital relationships for decades. He found that couples are on the road to divorce when the ratio of positives to negatives falls below five to one. (Gottman says this applies to all relationships.) That means for every negative comment we make it takes five positives to soften the effect of the criticism. That’s a lot of work! Better to catch yourself before blurting out a comment that can cause more harm than good. I’ve been practicing this for years now. I often find myself ready to say something that I don’t think will be received well. Pausing and imagining how my words might affect the other person makes a tremendous difference.

Help the Person Who Needs it Most: You

When I feel criticalness brewing, it’s a sign I need to be there to take care of myself.  I am one of those people who can be hypersensitive to hearing other people chew their food. My husband, Gus, is extremely considerate the way he eats, yet many times over the course of our marriage I’ve insulted him with a comment like, “Do you have to chew in my ear?” Now when I notice I’m being hypersensitive, I remind myself it’s because I’m exhausted. Instead of being nasty to Gus, I say something to myself like, “Gail, you’re tired. Let go of what you’re working on and relax.” It’s my issue, not his. I take care of myself by recognizing my trigger and speaking lovingly to me.

There is a strategy I use when I need to express my feelings that I taught to students years ago as part of conflict resolution: Use an “I message.”  It makes me feel good to own my feelings and not judge or label the other person. And it’s the best way to communicate feelings with the least likelihood of pushing the other person away. In the chewing situation if Gus’s chewing is bothering me, I say something like, “I know I just made a face at you about your chewing. I’m tired. There goes my crazy hypersensitivity!  I’ll just move a little further away.”  We laugh, it’s just part of me.

Your Takeaways

• Do not criticize family or friends!

• Become self-aware of your criticism triggers. Explore what you need to do to satisfy yourself so you can become less self-critical and critical of others.

•   Before saying something that can be perceived as criticism, ask yourself, how do I imagine the other person will react?

•  When you see you’re triggered by something or someone, speak lovingly to yourself. Self-compassion has a soothing effect.

•  Use “I messages” to express feelings that could turn into a criticism. Say, “I feel….when…” No name calling, labeling or blaming.

Why not take some advice from Olive Kitteridge, the opinionated, prickly, big-hearted character of Pulitzer Prize winning author, Elizabeth Strout, in her sequel, Olive Again.

   “We’re old enough to know things now, and that’s good.”

  “What kind of things?” Cindy asks.

  “When to shut up, mainly,” says Olive.

Imagine putting a big, warm, protective hand over your mouth, and take Olive’s advice!

2020 - Make it a Dreams Come True Year!

I take every new beginning—birthdays, the Jewish New Year, New Years Day... as an opportunity to start fresh, and what can be a fresher opportunity than a new decade! I want to share with you my New Year’s ritual that has assisted me in fulfilling long-awaited dreams and can become your ticket to realizing your dearest dreams, too.

My ritual started back in my mid-twenties when I lived in a hippie bungalow and was at a rather stuck time of my life. On January one I would don a headband of two silver glittered stars boinging from two slender, metal springs. ( I obviously was trying to rouse the dream-fulfilling fairy.) With pen and paper in hand I’d write down my visions for the New Year phrasing them as if they were already a reality.

Many people don’t take their New Year’s resolutions seriously, with their busy lives-- out-of-sight, out-of-mind. My way of committing to fulfilling my goals is to keep my New Year’s visions in sight. After I carefully write my dearest yearned for dreams in my journal, I copy them in my favorite colored marker onto a large index card and hang them in a place I will look many times a day. Good places for me have been in the bathroom by my mirror, in my clothes closet, and above my desk.

As I say in The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, “Many successful people like Suze Ormand, the financial guru, Mohammed Ali, and Lady Gaga attribute the writing of visions and the use of affirmations to creating the positive mindset that helped them achieve their goals. Immersing our mind in positive thoughts shapes our reality.”

The Process of Dream Realization

As you start this new decade, what changes do you deeply desire to bring about? Consider every level of your life and your self. Are there some personal habits you want to develop? What new good energy do you want to bring to your relationships? How do you want to become more balanced spiritually, mentally, physically, or emotionally? Is there a hobby or experiences you want for more fun? Are their changes you want to bring about for more satisfaction and success with your work?

Whatever your goals, flesh them out. If you identify them, and state them as if they already are your reality, and then daily repeat them to yourself…they will in time become your life. I know because I have been envisioning this way for over forty years and though my goals were not actualized overnight, nearly every one I’ve ever created has manifested. 

Envisioning is taking yourself and your dreams seriously. It’s believing in your capability to realize what is unseen in the present. It’s trusting that though you haven’t shown the discipline to do what you dream of yet, it is in you. Some of my dreams have been on my list for many years, and that’s OK. I know I keep evolving and bring new perspective, confidence and capability each year to my efforts to realize my dreams.

Here’s some of my visions that I’ve immersed my mind and efforts to fulfill, and I will tell you, these were originally miles from my reality:

• I exercise regularly and feel strong and energized.

•   Gus and I travel widely and have great fun together doing it.

•   I write and publish a book that impacts others greatly.

•   We live in a gracious home that is a warm gathering place for friends and family.

  Your Takeaways

• Your visions and dreams are possible.

• For New Year’s, write out your dearest heart-held dreams and visions.

• Rewrite them as if they are already a reality.

• Write or type them attractively on a card and post your vision where you will see them and repeat them daily.

• Believe in your capability to realize your dreams, and take actions that come to you.

Wishing all my blog reader’s faith in yourself as a powerful actualizer! It’s true. I know because I used to be the furthest from that myself. Thank you for being a loyal blog reader and supporter of The Affirming Way of Life. May you and your loved ones be blessed with health, inner peace, and always lots of love! Shoin! And so it is!

Thanksgiving Thoughts—Fill Your Own Cup, Then You Have So Much More to Share

Thanksgiving is coming up, and so we think about gathering with loved ones, the amazing turkey meal, and in the rush of travel and preparations, hopefully, some passing thoughts about all we have to be grateful for. I have discovered daily, hourly, moment-filled gratitude, is what fills my cup, and has literally transformed me! My gratitude practice fuels me to see the good, speak the good, and spread the good, and it can do the same for you.

A Gratitude Practice

I began my gratitude practice many years ago, by reflecting on my day, as I lay my head on my pillow, ready to drift off to sleep. With exuberance from my heart, I’d thank God (believing all the everyday ordinary goodness and safety were huge gifts I was blessed with from beyond) for my loving, devoted husband, for our precious son, Theo, doing well, for my angel sister; then basic things like my steaming bowl of oatmeal accompanied by the NY Times, a brisk walk under sunny skies listening to an inspiring podcast; goals for the day accomplished and savored; moments when I made someone else smile or said the just right thing they needed to hear to keep going; the enrichment of a book or show; the joy of loving kind words received, laughter shared, or a meaningful conversation.

Millions of perceptions, thoughts, experiences, feelings, and people, are cause for gratitude. Overtime, in addition to my sacred bedtime practice, I am grateful moment by moment. The gift this morning of my hot shower and lilac scented soap from my friend, Jere; the swaying branches of the pine tree outside my window as I get to write this blog to you—all reasons to pause and feel the preciousness of now.  My cup is full to the brim with goodness to share.

Gratitude Makes Your Brain Happier

Neuropsychologist, Rick Hanson, author of Hardwiring Happiness, says, though our brains are hardwired to be negative as a survival mechanism passed down from our caveman ancestors, every time we savor a positive moment for 10 seconds or more, we actually install it in our brain and overtime our brain centers actually become more positive.

 Sweeten Your Cup With Self-Praise

A warm cup of gratitude tea is even better sweetened. I sweeten my cup with self-supporting words of praise. We all have inner critics of varied degrees of meanness. Mine used to rear its nasty head whenever I’d disappoint myself or someone else.  It would say things like, “You are no good. You messed up, again! You’re not as good as___.“ Now I talk to myself kindly, gently, sweetly, as I would to anyone I care about. If I mess up, I say, “It’s OK, Gail. You did your best, you’ll do better next time.”

Self-praise is the sweetest of sweets. Each time I do something good, like complete a task or goal, am kind and loving, do something challenging, keep my commitments to myself, make a difference in someone’s life—I do a full-out victory dance in my head, and say to myself (sometimes even aloud), “I’m so proud of you, Gailie!” Self-praise supports me in feeling capable, worthwhile, and good about myself.

I consciously choose these practices. When we saturate our consciousness and brain with gratitude, we develop sight for the good in everyone and everything. When we’re grateful for what is, and we sweeten it with loving self-supportive words, we have so much more to give. Gratitude and self-affirmation are the source from which our loving affirming way of life is sparked.

Your Takeaways

•   Begin a daily gratitude practice to install the good in your brain and heart.

• Be kind to yourself and notice all the good you do. Praise yourself for it! You will be sweetening your own tea and have an abundance of sweetness to share. 

Why not fill your cup with gratitude and the sweetness of self-supporting words, because you have so much good to give! Happiest Thanksgiving, I am grateful to have you in my Affirming Way of Life family. May you feel blessed beyond measure!