I write to you every two weeks about being an affirmer—focusing on the good in others and telling them. But what about your anti-affirmer, your critical-self? We all have one! I can tell you it’s through my deep acquaintance with my own critical self (oh, and she’s been quite the cause of great suffering) that my affirmer-self has been able to rise to the center stage of my life.
Our Criticisms of Others Reflect Our Criticism of Ourselves
I have come to understand that my criticism of others reflects my criticism of myself. For much of my adult life I tried very hard to fit in and be normal, because growing up with my bipolar mother, I felt anything but normal. So of course, when my husband and son behaved in ways that did not fit in socially in my eyes, my critical-self reared her head. “You talk too much about yourself. You’ve got to be a better listener to develop friendships,” I might lecture either one of them. I wanted to fit in, so I dumped my need on them!
Another area I’d criticize my family for was not working hard enough to achieve goals. Again, me! I saw my family as a reflection of me. My good news is that as I’ve been able to heal and develop my wounded inner self, I have stopped expecting my family to complete me.
How about you? What do you criticize others for? Is there something you’ve been discontent with that you’re projecting onto those you’re closest to? In an excellent article at Oprah.com by Martha Beck, “The Three Questions You Need to Ask Yourself Before Criticizing Someone”, Martha quotes Bryon Katie, “I am whatever I believe you to be.” See if Katie’s wise insight can help you get perspective on your critical-self.
Is There a Right Time to Criticize Family and Friends
The answer is a great big NO! What can being critical get us? Separation? Defensiveness? Harbored hurt and anger?
Relationship expert, John Gottman, PhD, has studied marital relationships for decades. He found that couples are on the road to divorce when the ratio of positives to negatives falls below five to one. (Gottman says this applies to all relationships.) That means for every negative comment we make it takes five positives to soften the effect of the criticism. That’s a lot of work! Better to catch yourself before blurting out a comment that can cause more harm than good. I’ve been practicing this for years now. I often find myself ready to say something that I don’t think will be received well. Pausing and imagining how my words might affect the other person makes a tremendous difference.
Help the Person Who Needs it Most: You
When I feel criticalness brewing, it’s a sign I need to be there to take care of myself. I am one of those people who can be hypersensitive to hearing other people chew their food. My husband, Gus, is extremely considerate the way he eats, yet many times over the course of our marriage I’ve insulted him with a comment like, “Do you have to chew in my ear?” Now when I notice I’m being hypersensitive, I remind myself it’s because I’m exhausted. Instead of being nasty to Gus, I say something to myself like, “Gail, you’re tired. Let go of what you’re working on and relax.” It’s my issue, not his. I take care of myself by recognizing my trigger and speaking lovingly to me.
There is a strategy I use when I need to express my feelings that I taught to students years ago as part of conflict resolution: Use an “I message.” It makes me feel good to own my feelings and not judge or label the other person. And it’s the best way to communicate feelings with the least likelihood of pushing the other person away. In the chewing situation if Gus’s chewing is bothering me, I say something like, “I know I just made a face at you about your chewing. I’m tired. There goes my crazy hypersensitivity! I’ll just move a little further away.” We laugh, it’s just part of me.
Your Takeaways
Do not criticize family or friends!
Become self-aware of your criticism triggers. Explore what you need to do to satisfy yourself so you can become less self-critical and critical of others.
Before saying something that can be perceived as criticism, ask yourself, how do I imagine the other person will react?
When you see you’re triggered by something or someone, speak lovingly to yourself. Self-compassion has a soothing effect.
Use “I messages” to express feelings that could turn into a criticism. Say, “I feel….when…” No name calling, labeling or blaming.
Why not take some advice from Olive Kitteridge, the opinionated, prickly, big-hearted character of Pulitzer Prize winning author, Elizabeth Strout, in her sequel, Olive Again.
“We’re old enough to know things now, and that’s good.”
“What kind of things?” Cindy asks.
“When to shut up, mainly,” says Olive.
