Thanksgiving Month: A Way to Celebrate the Goodness

There’s no better time than Thanksgiving month to open our hearts and minds to the gift of gratitude. Yes, gratitude is the simple key to celebrate all the good that we just haven’t had eyes to see. It’s even more inviting to explore gratitude when you learn from the Harvard Medical School Bulletin that gratitude is consistently associated with greater happiness, improved health, stronger relationships, and the ability to deal with adversity.

Gratitude is a thankful appreciation for what an individual receives, whether materially or emotionally. When grateful, we recognize the goodness we are receiving comes from outside ourselves. It may be from nature, a higher power, or other people. Each of these sources are essential. But for Thanksgiving month I want to focus on gratitude for other people.

What would our lives be without the people that love and accept us as we are? Their care and support are what sustain us. But how often do we pause to appreciate how much the people in our lives mean to us?

A Personal Story About Appreciating Our People

Recently, I had a big birthday. Frankly the number wowed me! I thought how can I be that old? Reaching this age (aren’t you curious what it is) I wanted to gather all the people I consider my tribe together to celebrate with me. Unfortunately, because of Covid, I limited the party to 30, outdoors on my deck. Acknowledging milestones with words has always been important to me, so for weeks leading up to the party I reflected on the people I invited and how much they meant to me and helped shape my life. 

I call my husband, my sister, and my son—my triumvirate. They are my people who see my strengths and affirm me for them. They make me feel good about being myself and accept my less than stellar traits. They encourage me when I’m reaching for a goal and make me feel loved and appreciated. So, I said exactly that to each of them personally then publicly at my party.

Not everyone is comfortable expressing their appreciation to others. Here’s how I said it to my husband as an example: “Honey, on turning ___, I paused to reflect on my gifts, and you were right there at the top. I’m so grateful for the way you love me and appreciate me just for being me. I feel so supported by your encouragement with my goals. I am blessed with you.”  Any one of the statements I made would be enough.

Reflecting on the goodness my extended family and friends bring to my life, I realize they are each a positive influence and support me in creating a life I love. My cousins are models of family devotion and raising kids well. My friends have inspired me to write my book, travel, enjoy theatre, love outdoor adventures, be a good listener and communicator, be assertive and strong, have a good marriage, and they too make me feel loved and valued. So, at my party, I thanked them all with a grateful heart. Joy abounded.

Appreciation, A Gift to the Giver and the Receiver

Pausing to appreciate the people who most touch our life begins as a gift for ourselves. When I reflected on the goodness my family and friends brought into my life, I felt mightily blessed. How often do we stop and appreciate the difference someone makes in our life? Not very often for most of us. We’re too busy living and managing responsibilities or mulling over grievances in our minds. We’re human.  A grateful pause gets us to stop and savor the good ways others affect us that often go unnoticed and unacknowledged.

When we express our discovered appreciation the gift quadruples. You now get to be the conveyer of a gift more precious than jewelry or some new tech item. Appreciative words say to the receiver, you matter. Your life has value to me. Our words become a gift they can hold within their heart and repeat to themselves when they need a little uplift. But there’s further benefits for you! As you express your appreciation, you re-experience the joy of the goodness they bring and over time continuing to express appreciation makes your relationship warmer and closer. I can vouch for what I’m saying!

My November Tips for You

Appreciate two people to make it doable.

1.     Choose a person you see every day or often and reflect on the goodness they bring into your life. Do they do things that make your life easier? Do they uplift you with their humor or positivity? Do you feel valued by them? Can you count on them? Are they comforting or make you feel secure? Do you have fun with them? Take in the good they bring whatever it is and be bold and tell them. Savor the joy of sharing your appreciation.

2.     Choose another person that you might not see often that has had an important impact on your life. Take in the goodness they’ve brought then call, email, send a card, or visit and share your appreciation.

I’m hoping taking the grateful pause and expressing appreciation feels so good that it becomes a part of your life. There’s so much to be grateful for—this month choose people. Wishing you and your family health and happiness and grateful time together this Thanksgiving.

I want to hear from you! How has appreciating a loved one or a person who’s made a difference in your life touched your heart?

The Affirming Way of Life is a perfect Thanksgiving gift to let someone know how much you appreciate them!

Don’t Wait to Express Your Love

Do you sometimes hold back expressing your love waiting for the other person to say it first? Here’s a story to inspire you to be bold and say it now!

Several weeks ago, my husband Gus and I watched a segment on CBS Sunday Morning with author Trent Preszler. It was so touching we both teared up, and here I am writing about it. Preszler wrote a memoir, Little and Often, about the never expressed feelings between him and his dad, and its profound impact on his life.

The Impact of Unexpressed Love

Preszler describes his dad, a Viet Nam Vet and a former rodeo champion, as living a hardscrabble life in South Dakota. And the hardest thing about that was that his dad never once in his life said he loved him.

"I wanted him to say it so badly. And I felt like if I was the first one to say, 'I love you,' that somehow it would be worthless."

In his 20’s Preszler told his father he was gay. They were estranged for the next 10 years, till his dad was on his death bed dying of cancer. Even then, sitting by his hospital bed, no love was expressed by either of the Preszler men. He hoped his dad’s last words would be I love you, but they were, “Drive safely!”

Take a Risk and Express Your Heart

My dad was a little like Preszler’s dad. Growing up in the 30’s and 40’s, he was of the generation when men were expected to be strong, providers, and didn’t express their feelings. That was hard for me. My parents divorced when I was in college, and I longed for confirmation after he remarried that he still loved me. Though I would hug him at the end of each visit and tell him with sincerity “Love you, Dad,” his only response was, “Right.” That single word left me cold and feeling disconnected from him. I finally got my wish, about a year before he passed away at 89.

When my stepmother was disabled and couldn’t make the 10-hour train ride to visit us, my dad came on his own. He seemed freer and talked more openly during these visits. At night before he’d go up to bed, I’d hug him and say, “I love you so much, Dad.” The first couple of nights he’d respond with his usual, “Right.” One night I said, “What does right mean?” He laughed and said, “Love you too, Dear.“ Deep fulfillment flooded my chest. Finally, the words I’d longed to hear for so long!

It does feel risky and vulnerable when we express our feelings and are unsure of how the other will respond. But what’s the alternative? Keeping our love locked up for fear of rejection? Even when my dad, merely responded, “Right,” I felt empowered expressing my true feelings for him. Who have you been wanting to express your feelings to but have held back?

A Way to Get Started

Preszler says with deep regret “I wish I had told my dad I loved him and thanked him for all the lessons he taught me.”

Saying ‘I love you’ can begin with words of appreciation. There’s so much underlying the words ‘I love you.’ It’s all the qualities we value and admire in the other person. It’s the way they treat us and make us feel. It’s the support they give us. It’s how our life feels richer and blessed because they’re in it.

In my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, I show a myriad of ways to get in touch with your positive feelings towards others and then to express them.

The simplest way is to be specific and sincere. When we’re specific we give the person a word gift, something to hold onto that shows them how they’re valued and builds our bonds with them. Sincerity is of the heart. What comes from the heart reaches the heart.

Here’s what specific and sincere appreciating looks like: During my dad’s last visits, we sat on the white microfiber couch in my living room, and he’d talk about his favorite Broadway musical composers. I admired his passion for music and was so grateful for how it enriched my life. So I said:

“Dad, my life is so much richer because of all the music you’ve shared with me. I still sing verses from the musicals you played as I went to sleep as a kid. I so admire your passion for music. You inspire me to follow my own passions.” My words wove tiny threads of love between our hearts.

Make Expressing Your Heart a Lifestyle

Preszler ended his interview by saying, “I’ve learned extraordinary things can happen if we do little things every day.”

Make each day extraordinary by expressing your love and appreciation to your loved ones. Unleash your positive possibilities!

Gail’s book makes a perfect gift for someone wanting more positivity in their life. It’s also a great summer read! She is a life coach. Visit her website uppcoach.com to learn more and contact her.



Putting Heart into Your Celebrations

When it comes to birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions, most people celebrate with a meal and presents. But I’m wondering, how often do you tell the celebrant how much they mean to you? For most of us the answer is—never! Yet the value of expressing your heart can be more precious than a new computer or diamond earrings. Words from the heart enter the heart. They build our dear one’s sense of self and deepen our relationships

The Ritual

I give credit to my oldest, dearest friend, Lynnie for developing this ritual. Thirty years ago, over a birthday sushi dinner out, she said, “Before I give you your present, I want to celebrate who you are.” She then described qualities of mine she treasured and the joy and meaning my friendship brought into her life. I glowed. I was bowled over.  Her words made me feel that my presence in her world and the larger world—mattered, deeply. I felt enveloped in a magical moment.

Then she said, “Now I want to know your vision for your new year of life.” She gave me the opportunity to reflect on my goals and dreams, helping me to set a positive intention for my year.

It was such a powerful experience. More valuable than being treated to dinner and a gift, her focus on celebrating my life and caring about the way I moved forward in my new year touched my heart. And it was my joy to do the same for her when her birthday came around.

Lynnie and I eagerly anticipate our birthday ritual every year. She lives in California now, so we affirm and envision over FaceTime. Days before her birthday I begin thinking about what I appreciate, admire and value about her. Some traits come up year after year, yet there’s always something new. And the amazing thing is, I may even feel happier celebrating her than being celebrated. Here’s some convincing reasons (I think) to putting the heart into your birthday celebrations:

The Benefits

1.     Build Dear Ones Sense of Self: We all are just the way we are, until someone who notices a sterling trait in us is generous enough to tell us. Then we see it, too. Letting a dear one know what you value about them, builds their sense of self. Think of it. What would your life be like without the appreciative, sometimes admiring words of loved ones? (While I wrote my book and afterwards, part of Lynnie’s birthday affirmation was you are the most disciplined persevering person I know. Those words spur me on with my goals. I will tell you, there was a time in my life when that was the furthest from reality. Hearing my developing traits named helped cement them as part of my sense of self.)

2.     Strengthen Relationship Bonds: We assume others know how we feel. Maybe. But it is so confirming to hear someone tell you how much they value you! Our affirming words weave invisible threads between us and our dear ones. The other night, my husband Gus and I took out a friend for his 80th birthday. Over a toast to Jim I said, “You are our role model for youthful living. You live with such zest. We could never keep up with you bike riding. Your open-minded and open-hearted way of living makes us treasure your friendship!” The joy in his face was palpable and his email of appreciation emphasized how much my words meant. I can literally feel the stronger threads of our connection.

3.     Change Your Brain for the Better: This might excite you the most. Positive psychologists have found that our brains are wired to be negatively biased, meaning we tend to see what’s wrong with ourselves and others more than what’s right. But here’s the good news. Our brain structure is malleable. It can be changed.  Each time we savor a positive experience for 5-10 seconds, we shift our brain to be positively oriented. That means affirming another or being affirmed ourselves, contributes to making our brain and mindset more positive. And who doesn’t want to feel more positive?! To learn more read, Hardwiring Happiness: the New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence, by Rick Hanson, Ph.D.  

Another Way

If you’re not comfortable speaking your appreciation and praise verbally, you can celebrate your dear ones by writing what you love about them in a card. Personalized messages in cards are such a treasure. Every card my son (who’s 30 now) gives me I keep and use as bookmarks. I read and reread his messages that confirm to me I am a success at mothering and make me feel so close to him. In one he says, “Many times I find myself reframing my perspective to look at life the way you do. You are the most dedicated mom. Dedicated to my happiness, success and love of life. May we spend lots of time loving our life and relationship.” His words are pure gold to me.

Why not celebrate your dear ones by expressing what you love appreciate and value in them verbally, in writing, or both ways! You will bring them joy and greatly endear your relationship.

Gail’s book makes a perfect gift for someone wanting more positivity in their life. It’s also a great summer read! She is a life coach. Visit her website uppcoach.com to learn more and contact her.