Do you sometimes hold back expressing your love waiting for the other person to say it first? Here’s a story to inspire you to be bold and say it now!
Several weeks ago, my husband Gus and I watched a segment on CBS Sunday Morning with author Trent Preszler. It was so touching we both teared up, and here I am writing about it. Preszler wrote a memoir, Little and Often, about the never expressed feelings between him and his dad, and its profound impact on his life.
The Impact of Unexpressed Love
Preszler describes his dad, a Viet Nam Vet and a former rodeo champion, as living a hardscrabble life in South Dakota. And the hardest thing about that was that his dad never once in his life said he loved him.
"I wanted him to say it so badly. And I felt like if I was the first one to say, 'I love you,' that somehow it would be worthless."
In his 20’s Preszler told his father he was gay. They were estranged for the next 10 years, till his dad was on his death bed dying of cancer. Even then, sitting by his hospital bed, no love was expressed by either of the Preszler men. He hoped his dad’s last words would be I love you, but they were, “Drive safely!”
Take a Risk and Express Your Heart
My dad was a little like Preszler’s dad. Growing up in the 30’s and 40’s, he was of the generation when men were expected to be strong, providers, and didn’t express their feelings. That was hard for me. My parents divorced when I was in college, and I longed for confirmation after he remarried that he still loved me. Though I would hug him at the end of each visit and tell him with sincerity “Love you, Dad,” his only response was, “Right.” That single word left me cold and feeling disconnected from him. I finally got my wish, about a year before he passed away at 89.
When my stepmother was disabled and couldn’t make the 10-hour train ride to visit us, my dad came on his own. He seemed freer and talked more openly during these visits. At night before he’d go up to bed, I’d hug him and say, “I love you so much, Dad.” The first couple of nights he’d respond with his usual, “Right.” One night I said, “What does right mean?” He laughed and said, “Love you too, Dear.“ Deep fulfillment flooded my chest. Finally, the words I’d longed to hear for so long!
It does feel risky and vulnerable when we express our feelings and are unsure of how the other will respond. But what’s the alternative? Keeping our love locked up for fear of rejection? Even when my dad, merely responded, “Right,” I felt empowered expressing my true feelings for him. Who have you been wanting to express your feelings to but have held back?
A Way to Get Started
Preszler says with deep regret “I wish I had told my dad I loved him and thanked him for all the lessons he taught me.”
Saying ‘I love you’ can begin with words of appreciation. There’s so much underlying the words ‘I love you.’ It’s all the qualities we value and admire in the other person. It’s the way they treat us and make us feel. It’s the support they give us. It’s how our life feels richer and blessed because they’re in it.
In my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, I show a myriad of ways to get in touch with your positive feelings towards others and then to express them.
The simplest way is to be specific and sincere. When we’re specific we give the person a word gift, something to hold onto that shows them how they’re valued and builds our bonds with them. Sincerity is of the heart. What comes from the heart reaches the heart.
Here’s what specific and sincere appreciating looks like: During my dad’s last visits, we sat on the white microfiber couch in my living room, and he’d talk about his favorite Broadway musical composers. I admired his passion for music and was so grateful for how it enriched my life. So I said:
“Dad, my life is so much richer because of all the music you’ve shared with me. I still sing verses from the musicals you played as I went to sleep as a kid. I so admire your passion for music. You inspire me to follow my own passions.” My words wove tiny threads of love between our hearts.
Make Expressing Your Heart a Lifestyle
Preszler ended his interview by saying, “I’ve learned extraordinary things can happen if we do little things every day.”
Make each day extraordinary by expressing your love and appreciation to your loved ones. Unleash your positive possibilities!
Gail’s book makes a perfect gift for someone wanting more positivity in their life. It’s also a great summer read! She is a life coach. Visit her website uppcoach.com to learn more and contact her.
