Meditation and the Affirming Way of Life

When I awoke in the middle of the night and meditated to fall back to sleep, you, dear reader came to mind and I wondered: Do you ever have difficulty seeing the good in others to affirm them? Do you curse at and get irritated at drivers on the road (or drive with someone who does?) Even if your answer was no, the practice I’m sharing with you is a game-changer.

I use a meditation app called, Insight Timer. I am wild about it. Because it offers such a variety of assists to meditate from guided meditations, to music, to a timer with lovely nature sounds, to groups to join with people around the globe—I have been meditating for 551 total days, 171 consecutively, totaling 7.9 thousand minutes—it tracks me and rewards me with stars (making the teacher in me happy!) I mention this as an entrée to the meditation I listened to last night.

I fell back to sleep listening to the voice of Sharon Salzberg, reknowned meditation teacher, lead her signature Loving-Kindness meditation. She had us repeat to ourselves a version of the following:

May I be safe,

May I be happy,

May I be healthy, and

May I live with ease.

Then she guided us to repeat the same phrases thinking of a stranger; then with a person you have some discord with, and finally with a person you love or care for.  Research says, repeating these phrases slowly and calmly and feeling good energy as you recite them, contributes to feelings of self-love, empathy, understanding, and kindness. And Sharon says, by repeating these phrases “over and over again, this is who you become.”

Loving-Kindness Meditation and The Affirming Mindset

So, you may be asking, how does this connect to the affirming mindset? Affirming begins with looking for the good in others, which can be difficult. I have used the Loving-Kindness meditation for years and it definitely has supported my feelings of positivity toward others. When I’m out in the world I repeat these phrases to send good energy to strangers. I send it to all the people driving on the highway; as I enter my neighborhood I imagine the good will of the phrases going to my neighbors; in the grocery store I send it to the employees and shoppers. Of course I don’t do it all the time, but by sending good will to others in our free thinking moments, it builds a mindset of our common humanity, the bonus of which is positive feelings towards others. Most importantly, focusing on the good in all people can transfer to noticing more of the good in those who matter most to us!

Here’s a great article from Mindful magazine if you’d like to read Sharon Salzberg’s thoughts on Loving-Kindness: “Why Loving-Kindness Takes Time,” https://www.mindful.org/loving-kindness-takes-time-sharon-salzberg/.

Your Takeaways

• Repeat the Loving-Kindness phrases as a ritual to create more peaceful feelings in yourself and towards others. It only takes about 5 min.

• Send good energy to others when you’re out in the world as a gift of good will. You will become a force for good which I promise will boomerang back to you.

• Consider developing the meditation habit. There are many good apps out there, Insight Timer is one of them. Guided meditation is easy, relaxing, can take mere minutes, and builds inner peace making it easier to see the good in the people in your life.

• Keep looking for the good in your dear ones and all people and then express it!

Why Not practice loving-kindness as a gift to yourself and your gift to the world!

Would You Rather Receive a Compliment or an Affirmation?

Recently I gave a book talk at my local library. The next morning I called a friend who attended for feedback. Her thoughts tuned me into some subtleties I thought would be valuable for my blog readers. Ann said, “Gail, from your talk, and knowing you so well, I know that affirming goes much deeper than a compliment.” I agree with Ann.

Compliment vs Affirmation

A compliment tends to be on the superficial level, often about appearances. “Your hair looks nice.” “Your dress is beautiful.” “Your house is lovely.” The online Oxford Dictionary defines compliment as a polite expression of praise or admiration; flattery. I’m not saying compliments are worthless, far from it. Who doesn’t like to hear a compliment? But sincerity can come into question because compliments tend to lack substance.

Affirmations, as I speak of them, come from the heart. To affirm someone is to value them. It involves pausing to appreciate—a kindness, an accomplishment, someone’s good fortune, a positive change, a strong wonderful quality they possess, something special about their appearance, their generosity, their service…the list is endless. It is a generosity of spirit on our part as the giver, to take the time to value and then express our positive thoughts or feelings to another understanding that our words are a gift, possibly more valuable than any material thing.

In my book I give some basic guidelines when affirming.

·         Be specific- (particularly when recognizing a quality or strength in another’s character) describe in detail what the person did well, so that she can recognize it within and internally praise herself too. 

·         Be sincere- words from the heart go right to the heart.

Heartfelt Examples of Affirming

The other big thing Ann made me aware of, was that it would help the participants at my talk to understand how I find the words and actually express an affirmation.

Last night I was at my cousin Brenda’s to celebrate the break-the-fast for Yom Kippur. I did as I always do. Each person I encountered during the evening I looked for a positive thing to say to them. Why? It creates a positive flow between myself and the other person. It’s a joy! We smile and laugh and enjoy each other when affirmations pass between us.

I knew I was going to see my nephew Jarett’s in-laws. Their older daughter Kimberly had not only gotten married the weekend before, but two days later she was on every TV station being interviewed as the New Jersey State Teacher of the Year. I knew I wanted to congratulate them and recognize this very special moment in their lives. I was imagining that they must be overjoyed with the good fortune of their daughter’s successes. As soon as I saw them at Brenda’s I said, “Kathleen and Howard, what an amazing time in your life! Not only do you have the nachas (good fortune) of having two daughters married in two years, but Kimberly is recognized all over the news as the most outstanding teacher in NJ! I am so happy for you! Tell me about it.” We hugged, they filled me in on details and I joyfully shared in their happiness.

Another one of my cousin Brenda’s daughter-in-laws, Jamie, had her Aunt Marla, who’s like a mother to her, with us. Early in the evening I saw her knitting a beautiful multicolored glove. The easiest way for me to connect with her was to compliment her work so I said, “I love the colors and design you’re knitting. Who’s it for?” She answered and we had a brief positive connection. Later though, I affirmed her. As she was leaving I did a quick reflection on how she always seems to be there for her niece, Jamie, and her great nieces, Jamie’s children. “It’s so beautiful how you are so there for Jamie. I can see you’re like a mother to her.” I looked Marla in the eyes and said it with the deepest sincerity knowing from observation that having never married or had children of her own, Jamie was like her daughter. She told me some family background that I didn’t know about—how Jamie and her brothers often stayed with her on weekends as they were growing up. I responded, “Sometimes we are blessed to have children we don’t give birth to.” We hugged and both of us felt touched.

It’s About Caring and Connecting With Others

I love receiving and giving affirmations. It means so much to me when someone expresses a heartfelt affirmation to me, I feel valued, recognized and worthy. My positive sense of self has absolutely evolved in part based on the affirmations I’ve received. I feel complete paying the gifts I’ve received forward. I live a life where affirming is as much a part of how I live as brushing my teeth. Affirming for me is like smiling or saying thank you for most people. Those are social courtesies. I have learned to connect more meaningfully with others through affirmations. I love building people up recognizing their abilities, appreciating and encouraging them. Every positive thing we say to others benefits them. I feel peaceful knowing that most moments I interact with others I am spreading the good, by seeing and speaking the good. How about you?

Why not choose to affirm people to support them and spread the good!

Don’t Wait—Say it Now!

Have you ever lost a loved one and thought about all the good things you wished you’d said? Why regret it? Here’s something wonderful you can do.

My sister recently had a milestone birthday. As we were talking about her upcoming celebration she made a very telling remark: It’s so sad that often it isn’t until someone’s funeral eulogies that people speak about how much the person meant to them. I think it would be wonderful to know how people feel about me while I’m alive!  

That is how my sister’s Tribute book came into being. I sent letters to her daughters, son-in-laws, in-laws, our cousins, her closest friends growing up and now, gave one to my husband, Gus and my son, Theo—asking each to write a letter to Lois, expressing what they love, admire and appreciate about her.  When the letters arrived I put them in a beautiful binder sliding each letter into a plastic protective sheet. I presented the book to my sister at her party and she was SO happy!

The day after her celebration we spent at least an hour on the phone kfelling (Yiddish for expressing pleasure) over the letters. She loved and treasured every word because her loved ones had given her the most precious gift—they’d generously and specifically expressed their love for her.  I think of the parts she read to me: “I couldn’t get over how Dave (her son-in-law) said ‘Thank you for all your positivity, happiness, and most importantly for instilling so many of the values in Becky that connect us. You are a second mother to me.’  I never knew he felt that way. It makes me feel much closer to him.”

About the letter from my husband Lois gushed, “I can’t get over how Gus said, ‘They say you can’t pick your family and that is true for your in-laws too, but Lois, I pick you! I appreciate your goodness, kindness and most of all unselfishness that is part of your essence.’ Wow! Gus and I have gotten along from day one, but it feels so good to hear the way he feels toward me and appreciates the way I am.”

A letter from a doctor-friend who was head of the department at the previous hospital where she worked boosted her sense of self. “I always think of Melissa as a genius, and for her to say I was smart, meant so much to me. I thought she’d say I was great with people, but smart…I’m so touched.”

Hopefully most of us know we matter to our family, our closest friends, our co-workers—but receiving a letter expressing our value to another is priceless! When we’re feeling a little down or unloved, we can take those letters out to lift our spirits and be reminded, we matter, we’re loved, we’re appreciated for being just the way we are—we make a difference. As givers and receivers tribute letters are joy, joy, joy!

In my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, I reference Brian Doyle’s TEDx talk, 365 Days of Thank You. After a near fatal car accident, he made it a yearlong mission to thank every person who ever touched his life positively. He did it by phone or in person then wrote them an in-depth letter. Check out his 365 days of thank you blog http://www.briandoyle.co/gratitude  for great letter inspirations. (First you’ll come to a page of graphic images, double click and it will take you to his website.)

Your Takeaways

• So I say to you, who touches your heart? Who do you feel grateful for that you haven’t told? Why not seize the moment and write them a letter today.

• Be specific because then it gives the other person something to repeat in their mind—to savor, and possibly feel wonderful about in a way they haven’t before.

• Be generous with your praise. Gush. What comes from the heart touches the heart. And aren’t heart connections the joy of our life?

• Write a letter, create a tribute book for someone special’s big celebration, send a video – be creative expressing your heart!

Why not say it now with the gift of your words, rather than waiting till it’s too late!