Relationships are Messy: Some Keys to Embracing the Messiness

““Nothing is perfect. Life is messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational.””

— Hugh MacKay

My husband Gus and I just finished watching the Netflix series Last Tango in Halifax. The jumble of thoughts and good feelings I am left with inspire me to explore the messiness of relationships. Ooh, can they be messy!

The two main characters, Celia and Alan in their mid-seventies, are widowed childhood sweethearts who are reunited via Facebook after over fifty years thanks to the prompting of their grandchildren. It gets interesting when they marry and their very different and complex families are joined together. (Alan’s only daughter is a survivor of abuse and a sheep farmer, Celia’s is an Oxford-educated principal of a private school, recently out as a lesbian.) There’s a little of everything—unfaithfulness, homosexuality, interracial relationships, teenage pregnancy, past physical abuse, and alcoholism. All that messiness on top of differences of age, stages of life, wealth, personality styles, and politics. But here’s the thing, that’s merely the backdrop. What’s really intriguing is how all these relationships seem to work with moments of laughter and joy despite their issues and differences. 

Embrace Your Loved Ones

The glue, the magic that make all this possible—is that they embrace one another.

Ah, embrace. How do we embrace family, friends, our spouse, a partner, siblings, our children, or co-workers when we can be so different from one another and downright disagreeable at times?

I’m thinking of my husband Gus’s big (not fat) Greek family. Our backgrounds are polar opposite. I was the first non-Greek to come into their family which wasn’t easy. They came from a small Greek mountain village to Perth Amboy, I came from Brooklyn to the NJ suburbs. Some family members spout political beliefs that make me cringe, and I’ve received a number of insulting remarks over the years. But I come back. I go to every holiday gathering. Why? They are an extension of my husband. I embrace them as part of embracing Gus. I look beyond the harder parts to what’s good. I love being part of a huge family who cook amazing Greek food. They’re animated, jovial, and each sister in her own way has been kind and embracing of me. And here’s another piece: Gus has offered the same acceptance of my family. As wonderful as most of them are, there have been a couple who have been torture for him to deal with.

Some Keys to Embracing the Messiness

1.    Own your own imperfections. Yes. Remind yourself that whatever traits or behaviors you find annoying in family and friends, you have your own share. It’s become a mantra for me, if I comment on a negative trait in another, I follow with ‘and I know I’m not perfect either.’ (Thank God!) Acceptance of others is rooted in acceptance of ourselves. We’re all human.

2.    Focus on the good in others. It’s human nature to see what’s wrong and what’s missing with others. But we can make an intentional mindshift and focus on what’s good in the people in our life to bring so much more good energy to our relationships. Relationship expert, John Gottman of the Gottman Institute, says that the difference between happy and unhappy couples is a 5 to 1 balance between positive and negative interactions in the relationship. I find I feel better about the people in my life if I think about what I appreciate about them. And it makes it even better when I affirm them and let them know my good feelings.

3.    Admit when you’re wrong and make amends. We all screw up, say things we shouldn’t and wish we hadn’t. Own up to it when you do, it keeps the door open in your relationships.

4.    Create rituals to connect and be together. In Last Tango in Halifax what moved me was the way the families came together for dinners and celebrations despite their disagreements. For happy or sad occasions and holidays we get together with Gus’s family. I wouldn’t miss any of the gatherings. I’m there to let them know that I respect and care about them. Family/friends matter. Opening our hearts and minds to others has huge benefits. Being part of our messy relationships offers us the gifts of inclusion and connection. 

So many of us have felt isolated during the pandemic, when we couldn’t gather or hug our extended family and friends. Why not reach out and embrace your people, messiness and all!

Why not share the gift of The Affirming Way of Life as a summer read with some one you care about!

Think Before You Speak – 5 Tips

“Words have weight. They carry energy and give language its potential to heal or hurt.”

— Madison Taylor

Do you ever wonder like me, where was my head when I said that?  The other night our son, Theo and his bride-to-be, Sarah, were over for dinner. At the end of the meal, as I was boiling water for tea in my electric kettle, I said to my husband, Gus, “Honey, just a reminder, when you use this kettle be sure it’s far away from the cabinets.” (I’ll admit I had an edge to my voice.)

“I always am careful with that.”

“I’m mentioning it because the other day when you were boiling water for me, I saw the steam bathing the cabinets.”

“Well it wasn’t me doing it,” he answered defensively.

Back and forth we went. I saw Sarah get quiet and duck her head to avoid our unnecessary line of fire. Her expression said it all to me. Awkward! Oh, Gail, you didn’t think before you spoke!

By the time Sarah and Theo left it was late, and I knew better than to broach the disagreement then. The next morning I kissed Gus’s cheek and said, “Sorry about last night.”

Kindly he said, “It would have been fine if you’d said it to me privately, but you embarrassed me saying it in front of Sarah.”

In the past I would have beaten myself up for being inconsiderate, but because I’ve been working on showing more empathy to myself I thought, it’s OK Gail, you weren’t thinking of the consequences of your words. You’ll do better next time.

And the crazy thing is, I consciously censor my thoughts before they leave my lips, yet I still at times blurt unnecessary or insensitive words.

How about you. Can you relate?

Psychologists say that it’s common to speak without thinking to our loved ones. One of the benefits of long-term relationships is feeling we can just be our full self. We assume they’ll understand where we’re coming from and not be offended. Not true!

Five Tips for Speaking With More Care

1.      Include the other in your mind before you speak – usually when we speak we’re just thinking of our own feelings and perspective. Embrace the other’s feelings and point of view and consider them as important as your own. When we regard others with more care, it guides us in speaking with more care.

2.      Ask yourself, Will this help or hurt?  Reflect on what you’re about to say. Often our brain is spinning thoughts and our words just blurt out without considering their impact. Slow yourself down before you speak and ask this question as your own friendly inner censor.

3.      Ask yourself, Is what I’m about to say meaningful or relevant to the other person?  If not don’t say it. This is particularly relevant with texting. Often I delete whole statements before I send them realizing its unnecessary information for the other.

4.      Become the observer of your speech. Make it a habit of noticing what you say and how it impacts others. We have the power to manage our thoughts and speech to have a positive impact on others and our relationship with them.

5.      Include affirmations in your conversations. Create positive feelings in your relationships by noticing the good stuff you see in or feel about the person and tell them. When my husband vulnerably told me I embarrassed him, I said, “Thank you honey for being so real and open with me. I am so blessed to have you as my husband.” My affirmation added back some good energy to our relationship.

It’s such a small thing to pause a moment to consider how your words will be received. And it’s such a big thing to say less and care more! Wishing you a wonderful month of positive communicating and connecting!

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good is available at Amazon. May it support you in living your best most fulfilling life!

Reset, Rethink, Regather

For days I had called BJ’s to see if their shipment for Fiji water was in. I had made two trips for naught, and a manager kindly suggested I call rather than make another wasted trip.

“They’re in,” said Meghan. “How many cases would you like me to pull for you?”

“Three would be great. You’re a darling!” I effused.

In the store, with my three cases of precious alkaline water (recommended by the Ayurvedic practitioner helping me to heal digestive issues) I asked Meghan one more favor.

“Could you please find someone to help me put the Fiji water cases into my car.”

“Sure no problem. There he is. Anthony, please help this lady get her purchases to the car.”

What a delightful surprise I received at 8:45 AM.

“Good morning Miss! And how are you on this blessed day?” he asked. His whole face smiled, even though partially covered by his light blue paper mask.

“How beautiful it is to be greeted with such positivity so early in the morning!”

“Well, it’s TGIF and as long as I am here and can work it’s a great day.”

Wow, I thought, such a precious young man he is. I want to let him know that his good energy is a gift to others.

As we walked together to my car I asked, “Anthony, how did you get to become such a positive person?”

“Well it’s just my spirit I’d say.”

“Tell me more about the influences in your life,” (I was using my newly learned coaching skills.)

“Well. I had no father and was raised by my mother. She taught my brother and me that if we work hard and always be the best person we can be things will work out.”

“Tell me your visions for your life,” I say.  In our brief connection, I wanted to support this young man in fulfilling his dreams.

“My brother and I are starting small selling our own home cooked chicken. McDonald’s started small and look where they are now,” he said exuberantly. “When I get discouraged I just say to myself, RESET, RETHINK, REGATHER.”

“Wow! That’s such a positive phrase, tell me more.”

“I reset my mind on my dream, I rethink what I need to do to get there, and I regather my energy to keep moving forward.”

“Anthony what a positive mindset you have! With your vision and heart I can see you fulfilling your dream. For your help and inspiring tip, I’d love to give you a tip.”

We each left touched.

Anthony’s Tip in Action

I’m writing this blog with immediacy. Anthony’s mantra is a great way to refocus ourselves when our spirits are down. RESET, RETHINK, REGATHER.

I went home and wrote those 3 R’s on a notecard and pinned it on a drape by my writing desk to absorb into my psyche. A new tool for my mental toolbox.

Here’s a way I used Anthony’s 3 R’s a couple of days later.

Listening to a coaching video on YouTube, I learned that it’s best to differentiate a niche or specialty for the services you offer. That’s so tricky! My specialty is in helping others connect in their relationships more deeply, as I wrote about in my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good. But as a friend pointed out, calling myself a relationship coach sounds like I’m a marital coach. Not the limitation I want. Darn! Unwanted adrenalin pumped in my stomach and my heart fluttered disturbingly. My trigger, an overwhelm response, kicked in, but….thanks to Anthony’s mantra I regathered myself.

Ok, Gail. Reset your thoughts on the big picture that you will be helping people with the wonderful coaching skills you’re learning. You can rethink your niche by doing research on the many coaching specialties there are and find what seems to be a good match with your skills and expertise.

Breathe in…breathe out.

Ahhhhh, I feel so much better. The pause to reset my attention on what mattered and what I could do, was just what I needed to regather my positive, forward moving energy.

Your Takeaways

• Being mindful of our emotions creates an opportunity for us to regather our energy and focus it positively.

• Having a mantra whether it be Anthony’s reset, rethink, regather or your own favorite, is a useful tool for shifting our mind frame and our emotions.

• Hanging a notecard with your mind-shifting mantra where you will see it often will help you internalize it so it’s right there in your thoughts when you need it.

Isn’t it exciting to recognize we have the power to manage our thoughts and feelings!

If you enjoyed this blog, my book The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, expands upon how to bring positivity to our relationships and life. It’s available at Amazon.

And why not become a blog subscriber? Fill in your name and email at the end of the page and my blog will be delivered to you every two weeks.