Don’t Wait—Say it Now!

Have you ever lost a loved one and thought about all the good things you wished you’d said? Why regret it? Here’s something wonderful you can do.

My sister recently had a milestone birthday. As we were talking about her upcoming celebration she made a very telling remark: It’s so sad that often it isn’t until someone’s funeral eulogies that people speak about how much the person meant to them. I think it would be wonderful to know how people feel about me while I’m alive!  

That is how my sister’s Tribute book came into being. I sent letters to her daughters, son-in-laws, in-laws, our cousins, her closest friends growing up and now, gave one to my husband, Gus and my son, Theo—asking each to write a letter to Lois, expressing what they love, admire and appreciate about her.  When the letters arrived I put them in a beautiful binder sliding each letter into a plastic protective sheet. I presented the book to my sister at her party and she was SO happy!

The day after her celebration we spent at least an hour on the phone kfelling (Yiddish for expressing pleasure) over the letters. She loved and treasured every word because her loved ones had given her the most precious gift—they’d generously and specifically expressed their love for her.  I think of the parts she read to me: “I couldn’t get over how Dave (her son-in-law) said ‘Thank you for all your positivity, happiness, and most importantly for instilling so many of the values in Becky that connect us. You are a second mother to me.’  I never knew he felt that way. It makes me feel much closer to him.”

About the letter from my husband Lois gushed, “I can’t get over how Gus said, ‘They say you can’t pick your family and that is true for your in-laws too, but Lois, I pick you! I appreciate your goodness, kindness and most of all unselfishness that is part of your essence.’ Wow! Gus and I have gotten along from day one, but it feels so good to hear the way he feels toward me and appreciates the way I am.”

A letter from a doctor-friend who was head of the department at the previous hospital where she worked boosted her sense of self. “I always think of Melissa as a genius, and for her to say I was smart, meant so much to me. I thought she’d say I was great with people, but smart…I’m so touched.”

Hopefully most of us know we matter to our family, our closest friends, our co-workers—but receiving a letter expressing our value to another is priceless! When we’re feeling a little down or unloved, we can take those letters out to lift our spirits and be reminded, we matter, we’re loved, we’re appreciated for being just the way we are—we make a difference. As givers and receivers tribute letters are joy, joy, joy!

In my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, I reference Brian Doyle’s TEDx talk, 365 Days of Thank You. After a near fatal car accident, he made it a yearlong mission to thank every person who ever touched his life positively. He did it by phone or in person then wrote them an in-depth letter. Check out his 365 days of thank you blog http://www.briandoyle.co/gratitude  for great letter inspirations. (First you’ll come to a page of graphic images, double click and it will take you to his website.)

Your Takeaways

• So I say to you, who touches your heart? Who do you feel grateful for that you haven’t told? Why not seize the moment and write them a letter today.

• Be specific because then it gives the other person something to repeat in their mind—to savor, and possibly feel wonderful about in a way they haven’t before.

• Be generous with your praise. Gush. What comes from the heart touches the heart. And aren’t heart connections the joy of our life?

• Write a letter, create a tribute book for someone special’s big celebration, send a video – be creative expressing your heart!

Why not say it now with the gift of your words, rather than waiting till it’s too late!

Look With Eyes for the Spark of Beauty in Your Relationships

Shared life can distract us from seeing the shine that initially attracted us to the people we love.

I was sitting on the end of the dock, feet dangling over the edge, inhaling the beauty of the clear, rippling water. It was my last morning at my sister’s island, lake house. My heart filled with joy watching the sparks of sunlight dancing on the shimmering water. Diamonds. People are like that I thought. When we are attracted to the beauty in another, their qualities we admire—we see their sparkle, and glowing words flow from our lips.

But, life inevitably intervenes. Our friends, our spouse, our family disappoint us. They don’t live up to our expectations. They say things that hurt our feelings. They’re not there for us in ways we’d hoped for. Or we take them for granted, and their habits become annoying, or even boring.

I was that way with my husband. In The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, I tell a story about how my husband, Gus’s sparkle overtime became dulled in my eyes. I saw what he didn’t do, what he wasn’t—rather than what he was.  My wakeup call came one evening when Gus said to me , “You always talk about how great the people you work with are, but I don’t hear a word of appreciation about me.”

I began to think about why that was so. It started with our life pressures. We were both working full time, our son was having difficulties in school, we had financial pressures, extended family conflicts, and found very different ways to relax. I felt anxious and stressed and transferred my negative feelings onto him.

Our thoughts are like magnets. Whatever we focus on draws more of the same. One negative thought leads to another, and before we know it our brain is stuck on the negative south pole of the magnet and can’t seem to budge.

See the Good

How did I move my magnet north again? It was a process that took time like all changes we make in ourselves and our relationships. But a pivotal change in my thinking that moved my magnet, what I call a mindshift, started when I began looking for the good in Gus. He was 100% there for me. He would drop anything and everything if I needed his help. He was kind and easy going, happy with a dinner of scrambled eggs. And so handy. He could fix, put together, and problem-solve any household issue.  

I made a conscious effort to affirm him and express my appreciation when he did anything I found supportive. “Gus, thanks so much for putting air in my tires. I never would have noticed they were low. I so appreciate that you care about keeping me safe.” I was specific, sincere and spoke with a warm tone so he could feel my appreciation. And he did.

“Of course I can’t let anything happen to you!”

I made it a point to find something each day to appreciate or recognize him for, and the bonus was he began doing the same with me. Not only did it create a more loving flow between us, but I felt good focusing on the positive in him and in time I became like a metal detector with eyes for the good in him and most anyone I encountered. Psychologists Dr. Nadine Heitz and Dr. Zan Struebing from True Heights Consulting speak of this in A Burst of Beauty.

Now that Gus and I have been married for thirty years, I would say with his thinning hair he is even more beautiful and shines brighter in my eyes than when we began our life together. I now have eyes that appreciate all the goodness within him, the lasting devotion we share, the acceptance and understanding—I see his true beauty. And this appreciation can be developed in any relationship—with a child, sibling, friend, parent…

Your Takeaways

• Become aware of your inner magnet in your relationships. Is it pulling toward the south pole? Reflect on why that is and if the relationship is valuable to you.

• If the relationship is valuable, become a detector for the good in your person. You may even want to write down the things about your person you appreciate.

• Make a conscious effort to affirm your person daily or when you see or speak to them. Be specific, sincere, and warm in tone, and you will surely open the flow of  shared good energy.

 Why not see the good, speak the good, and spread the good now!

A Generosity Lesson

How often have you been utterly moved by the genius of a great work of art—a show, a movie, a sculpture, a dance performance, a book—and expressed your gratitude to the artist? The answer for most of us: rarely.

Recently, I had the exhilarating pleasure of attending a screening at Dartmouth College of one episode of Ken Burns’ latest documentary series, Country Music. (Ken is famous for his documentaries: The National Parks, Baseball, The Roosevelts, Jazz, The Civil War, The Vietnam War and others.) Though I’m not a country music lover, the opportunity to hear Ken speak was more than enough to thrill me.

The two-hour movie, explored the roots of country music through the biographies and performances of luminaries like Hank Williams and the Carter Family. The hardships these musicians endured, their sheer grit, and their influence was deeply moving. At the end of the movie Ken Burns, the writer, and the producer sat in chairs on stage to take questions. 

Mid-way through the Q and A’s, the man sitting behind me was called upon to speak. He said: “I would like to say to the three of you that you are literally an American treasure. You have unfolded the American experience in a way that is very, very unique and I never thought was possible. And I think, years from now when people are trying to define these specific periods in American history, they will go to your videos and find the answer there.”

Ken was visibly touched and answered thoughtfully. “Well, that is very kind of you. I hope to give something of value to my audiences. Our work lives because of gracious listeners like you. We tell our stories to connect with other human beings. Thank you.”

I was jumping out of my skin with delight at the exchange between that man (my friend, Jim) and Ken Burns. But why?

Recognizing A Person’s Contribution Lifts the Spirits of All

Jim’s words gave us all a gift. The exquisitely created documentary was brilliant, entertaining and highly informative. Jim generously and boldly put into words what most of us were feeling. His words palpably touched the heart of Ken. I saw it in his face, heard it in his warm tone of voice as he embraced the compliment, and felt how much he valued listeners appreciating his work.  And not just Ken was touched. I know, because as people were leaving, many came up to Jim to thank him for expressing what they were feeling. All the expressed gratitude in that auditorium just set my spirits soaring!

Pausing to appreciate the significance of a special moment that touches your heart and recognizing the person with affirming words, can raise the spirits of all present as if we were in a place of worship. It makes a moving, joyous experience complete.

Gratitude is Catchy

The next night my husband Gus and I were out to dinner with Jim and his wife Jeanne at a quirky Mexican restaurant in downtown, White River Junction, Vermont. It had the most unique décor (aqua tables, lime chairs, surf movies playing on screens in each corner of the room) and the nachos, grilled blackened watermelon, and mahi mahi tacos were the best I’d ever eaten. Inspired by the way Jim’s words completed the uplifting experience the night before, I decided to do the same.

“Can I please speak to the manager of the restaurant,” I asked our waitress. When he came to our table, I shared with him all my pleasure with the dining experience he created. He responded, “I am so happy you enjoyed your meal. It means so much to hear we’re doing a great job!” He walked away grinning widely and I’d say my tummy felt even happier sharing all the good feelings.

Your Takeaway

• Notice your pleasure and how you’re moved by experiences from a day with a friend, a delicious meal, an inspiring talk, a wonderful art exhibit—the list is endless.

• Be bold and generous and express your appreciation.

• Know that you’re elevating the experience for yourself, the recipient, and anyone else present.

Why not spread good energy in the world?