5 Tips for Growing the Love in Your Relationship

“Don’t assume your partner knows all the ways that you love them. Sometimes they need to hear it! Loving out loud can build a healthy relationship..”

— John and Julie Gottman

I may be putting you on the spot, but have you in the past week told your partner how much they mean to you? I’m thinking of something from the heart like, “Knowing you’re there for me makes me feel so lucky and cared for.” Or a maybe a bit milder like, “I appreciate the way you put up with my meltdown the other day.”

If your answer is no, you’re not alone. Most of us assume our significant other knows how we feel about them so it’s not necessary to express our love or appreciation. Not true! Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute say, “Don’t assume your partner knows all the ways that you love them. Sometimes they need to hear it! Loving out loud can build a healthy relationship.”

I can vouch for the Gottmans’ advice. Consciously choosing to shower my husband Gus with the positives I appreciate about him, rekindled our love and our relationship. If you’ve read my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, you know the story I tell in chapter one on how guilty I was of taking him for granted. We all do that from time to time or even more. Here are five simple tips to get you started creating more loving feelings in your relationship. And the beauty is these tips can get the love flowing with any special person in your life.

Five Tips for Growing the Love in Your Relationship

1.      Look with eyes that see the good. It’s so easy to focus on what’s missing with our loved one, rather than the good that’s there. Try making an intentional mindshift—notice the positives in your partner. My husband, Gus often empties the dishwasher, but leaves at least a quarter of it on the counter for me to put away. I feel the words brewing, How could you not know where these things go? You’re just making more work for me. But I immediately shift to positive thinking, I so appreciate that he empties the dishwasher. I hate doing it. I can count on him. So I say, “Thanks honey I really appreciate you emptying the dishwasher, it’s one of my least favorite jobs.” We share a warm moment.

2.      Express appreciation for who they are, not just what they do. Reflect on your partner’s characteristics that you admire and value. Our words about them shape their sense of self and impact the feel of our relationship. One of the things I appreciate most about Gus is how easy going he is. So I affirm him by saying, “I so appreciate that when I don’t feel like cooking you just say, ‘an omlet is fine.’ How lucky I am to have such an easy to please husband.”

3.      Be specific and sincere in your affirmations.  When we’re specific we give the other person something to hold onto. I’ve noticed when I would just say things like “You’re such a good husband or I love you,” Gus would ask, “Why?” I realize how important it is to be specific and of course to speak from the heart.

4.      Commit to affirm your significant other once a day. Like any good habit you want to develop, it takes repetition, commitment and practice. As you search daily for specific good things you can say to them, the good in them will become more of your focus. The most beautiful benefit is that in time your relationship will feel like the gift it can be!

5.      A Bonus: As you make a point of appreciating and affirming your partner, they may begin to do the same for you. It’s worked that way for us. Spread good energy in your relationship and you’ll find unexpected silver linings.

James Taylor is my favorite go-to artist when I want to get in a mellow, happy state of mind. He says it the best in his song, Shower the People:

Shower the people you love with love

Show them the way that you feel

Things are gonna work out fine

If you only will

 

Wishing you a wonderful month of showering the people you love with love! Please share this link now with someone who needs this message!

My book is available on Amazon.

Think Before You Speak – 5 Tips

“Words have weight. They carry energy and give language its potential to heal or hurt.”

— Madison Taylor

Do you ever wonder like me, where was my head when I said that?  The other night our son, Theo and his bride-to-be, Sarah, were over for dinner. At the end of the meal, as I was boiling water for tea in my electric kettle, I said to my husband, Gus, “Honey, just a reminder, when you use this kettle be sure it’s far away from the cabinets.” (I’ll admit I had an edge to my voice.)

“I always am careful with that.”

“I’m mentioning it because the other day when you were boiling water for me, I saw the steam bathing the cabinets.”

“Well it wasn’t me doing it,” he answered defensively.

Back and forth we went. I saw Sarah get quiet and duck her head to avoid our unnecessary line of fire. Her expression said it all to me. Awkward! Oh, Gail, you didn’t think before you spoke!

By the time Sarah and Theo left it was late, and I knew better than to broach the disagreement then. The next morning I kissed Gus’s cheek and said, “Sorry about last night.”

Kindly he said, “It would have been fine if you’d said it to me privately, but you embarrassed me saying it in front of Sarah.”

In the past I would have beaten myself up for being inconsiderate, but because I’ve been working on showing more empathy to myself I thought, it’s OK Gail, you weren’t thinking of the consequences of your words. You’ll do better next time.

And the crazy thing is, I consciously censor my thoughts before they leave my lips, yet I still at times blurt unnecessary or insensitive words.

How about you. Can you relate?

Psychologists say that it’s common to speak without thinking to our loved ones. One of the benefits of long-term relationships is feeling we can just be our full self. We assume they’ll understand where we’re coming from and not be offended. Not true!

Five Tips for Speaking With More Care

1.      Include the other in your mind before you speak – usually when we speak we’re just thinking of our own feelings and perspective. Embrace the other’s feelings and point of view and consider them as important as your own. When we regard others with more care, it guides us in speaking with more care.

2.      Ask yourself, Will this help or hurt?  Reflect on what you’re about to say. Often our brain is spinning thoughts and our words just blurt out without considering their impact. Slow yourself down before you speak and ask this question as your own friendly inner censor.

3.      Ask yourself, Is what I’m about to say meaningful or relevant to the other person?  If not don’t say it. This is particularly relevant with texting. Often I delete whole statements before I send them realizing its unnecessary information for the other.

4.      Become the observer of your speech. Make it a habit of noticing what you say and how it impacts others. We have the power to manage our thoughts and speech to have a positive impact on others and our relationship with them.

5.      Include affirmations in your conversations. Create positive feelings in your relationships by noticing the good stuff you see in or feel about the person and tell them. When my husband vulnerably told me I embarrassed him, I said, “Thank you honey for being so real and open with me. I am so blessed to have you as my husband.” My affirmation added back some good energy to our relationship.

It’s such a small thing to pause a moment to consider how your words will be received. And it’s such a big thing to say less and care more! Wishing you a wonderful month of positive communicating and connecting!

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good is available at Amazon. May it support you in living your best most fulfilling life!

A Pleasure Routine for 2021

While walking with a friend on the Spring Lake boardwalk, she described the most delightful routine. She said every day in the late afternoon, she crawls into bed and spends an hour reading, listening to podcasts, or doing crossword puzzles.

“That is so cozy and self-nuturing,” I effused. “You have a pleasure routine.”

“I love that Gail! There’s a blog topic you can support others with.

The reason I was so excited by a pleasure routine is that I have become a workaholic! It’s a strange thing for a retired person to say, but I hear myself frequently saying, “I’m working on… or I have to get back to work…. Crazy! I am a lover of routines, and my work routine takes up a big chunk of my day. Maybe a little too big.

Routines as an Anchor

Routines give us a sense of order and well-being. They anchor us in ourselves. I begin my day stretching and meditating followed by a walk. Self-care routines create a feeling of peace and well-being. They can even boost our confidence because we are making good choices. Doing well, as my dad would say. 

Then it’s to my writing room I go to do the work I’ve chosen to do, as a retired person. I can sit at my computer from nearly 10-5 doing my new work—writing this blog, coaching, studying writing and coaching, preparing talks, and marketing (my least favorite and biggest learning curve area.) Working on my new careers/hobbies gives my life purpose and meaning.

For 42 years as an educator, I focused on helping students discover their talents, confidence, and a passion for learning. I loved my days with the kids and the honor of making a positive difference in their lives. And now I get to follow my new passion helping adults create deeper fulfillment in every area of their life. The problem is during these pandemic times I’m just working too much!

The definition of work: activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.

That’s me! I am driven to be productive toward my purpose—all day. I love what I do, but my conversation with my friend signaled to me I am craving a little more down time.

Can you relate? Do you find yourself focused on things that are work to you and don’t indulge often enough in simple things that give you pleasure?

A Pleasure Routine is Like Being on Vacation

my friend, I love reading. I read in dribs and drabs throughout my day—the news on my ipad at breakfast, a personal growth book during lunch, a novel before bed. But it’s short bursts 15 minutes at a shot.

The only time I indulge in escaping pleasurably into a book is on vacation with my sister Lois, at her lake house. We are island-bound without a boat. We spend all afternoon sitting in green Adirondack chairs on her narrow, weathered dock reading, chatting, cooling off in the refreshing water, and reading some more. It feels as relaxing as a day at the spa.

That’s the kind of pleasure routine I’d like to create—a time allotted not to do what’s good for me, not to work on my mission, not to be productive—just to do something for the pure pleasure of it.

Choosing a Pleasure Routine

Thinking of a pleasure routine as a vacation-state-of-mind, I think immediately of two things I’d love to do—dance and extended reading (as you already know.) Dancing gets me in a rhythmic flow and the music lifts my spirits. (It also transports me to my high school dancing-queen self.) Reading for extended time will allow me to escape into another world. Because I’m so cerebral, my pleasure routine will get me out of my thoughts and well, be a pleasure!

I’m committing to indulge in my pleasures four days a week, Monday thru Thursday from 4:00-5:00 PM. Ten minutes dancing, 40-50 minutes reading.

How about you? What would you like to indulge in a number of times a week for pure relaxation and pleasure? Is there something you love to do but can’t seem to find time for? Even 10-15 minutes of time to do something that takes you out of your mind and responsibilities can give you pleasure. We’re worth it, aren’t we?

It’s About Balance

Creating a balanced life of care—for our health and well-being, our home and loved ones, our friendships, and work that gives our life meaning and purpose, brings tremendous peace and empowerment. We don’t always have the luxury to balance our life especially now during the pandemic.

But as you prioritize the use of your time I hope you’ll consider creating a pleasure routine to take better care of you!

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good is available at Amazon. May it support you in living your best most fulfilling life!