3 Simple Coping Mechanisms for the Corona Virus Jitters

Life as we know it is changing on an hour by hour basis. Between continual news updates on the worldwide spread of the Corona Virus, to social distancing, empty shelves of essentials in stores, and the closing of every place of entertainment from restaurants to movie theaters, we’ve never experienced any crisis of this magnitude in our lifetime. It feels like we’ve been dropped into an altered reality. We have.  

I find myself worrying about losing my dearest loved ones, financial loss, and have terribly fearful images of life as I know it—gone. My thoughts are spinning out of control. This is not good, Gail, I think. I mentally shake myself awake and recognize, that though I can’t control Covid-19, I can control my response to it. I’m thinking of you, too, my dear friends. I’m hoping my coping mechanisms may be a support to you at this unpredictable time.

3 Simple Coping Mechanisms

One: I draw upon a technique I began using before the outbreak, from Michael Singer’s life-changing book, The Untethered Soul.  He says we are not the voice in our head because we can observe ourselves speaking and emoting. So I say to myself when I begin angsting “Gail, you are not your thoughts, you are not your emotions. You are the Self behind your thoughts and your emotions.” I breathe a huge sigh and feel calmer as I detach from my fears, recognizing I am more. (Now all I have to do is say Self to shake myself out of obsessing thoughts and feelings.)

Two: A mantra I chant to myself comes from my dear friend, Jamie Sussel Turner’s book, Less Stress Life: How I Went From Crazed to Calm and You Can, Too. When I’m not reminding myself, you are the Self, I’m chanting, stay in play, stay in play. In her book, Jamie tells the story of how she is coping with her third bout of cancer (the previous scariest “C” word.) She compares managing stress to working the controls on a CD player. Jamie says, when under stress we revert to either rewind (ruminating on the past) or fast forward (catastrophizing and worrying about the future—which most of us are doing now.)

Instead she mentally imagines pressing the play button to stay in the present moment.

“When I don’t stay in play, I am robbing myself of joy. I don’t want to live in constant worry. I will stay in play so I can live my life of three months or thirty years with as much peace, love, and happiness as possible.” Her example inspires me to stay in play and live the blessings that are still present in this moment, even with the Corona Virus hanging over head.

Three: Another thing I’m doing is repeating my old standby affirmation that has helped me not only cope with stress, but return to my Self. I say in a low, soothing voice to actually feel the message, “I am centered, calm, relaxed, focused and peaceful.” Research shows that repeating positive affirmations of the reality we choose, as though it already exists, literally reshapes neural pathways in our brain. Use my affirmation if it sounds appealing, or create one of your own. The trick is to repeat it daily at the same time (awakening and going to bed are easiest times to remember) to absorb the impact of the words.

A Bonus: Connecting

Finally, now that so many of us are isolated at home and social distancing to prevent catching or spreading the Corona Virus, it’s a perfect time to connect with others via video chats. One of my dearest friends, Lynnie, lives in California. Gus and I were supposed to go out there to visit her at the end of February but cancelled our plans.

She called the other day. “I’m so sad, Gailie. Now we won’t be able to see each other for a long time.”

“Lynnie, whenever we’re together all we want to do is talk anyway. Let’s have Face Time dates with each other.”

And that’s what we’re doing. I’m planning to Face Time with most people now. Seeing their faces will feel more like we’re actually together, which is what we need to feel now more than ever.

Your Takeaways

• Catch yourself when your thoughts or emotions begin spinning out of control. Awareness is the first step in self-management.

• Create a mantra to snap yourself back to center such as Self or stay in play, or just ‘play’..

• Create an affirmation of the reality you choose. It will bathe your mind in positivity. Say it daily and often to shift into the inner state you choose to be in.

• Connect more than ever with everyone who has meant anything in your life. You will make them happy and you will be taking a proactive step to feel connected in this crazy time of isolation. Try video chatting to make it feel even more real!

Why not control what you can now and empower yourself!

I want you to know how much it means to me to have each and every one of you in my life. I feel deeply grateful knowing through my blog we can be connected in someway. Your comments that let me know how my message may have touched you, bring me great joy. I wish you complete safety, health and love not only at this perilous time, but always! Bless you and all your loved ones!

Mindfulness and Mindlessness in Our Relationships

Mindfulness has become a positive force in society. We usually think about it in relation to ourselves—how do I stay present-moment focused to experience a heightened appreciation of my life. But here’s an application of mindfulness that may give you even more pleasure. Have you ever considered being mindful in your relationships?

Too often most of us are mindless when it comes to listening and responding to others. I’m reading a book that’s making me think about this. It was recommended to me by my son, Theo’s girlfriend, and it’s knocking my socks off. It’s about an unnoticed communication skill that directly impacts our closeness and connection in relationships.

A Guide for Analyzing Your Attentiveness in Relationships

In The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships, marriage guru, John Gottman, talks about bids for another person’s attention. According to Gottman, “A bid can be a question, a look, a touch-any single expression that says, ‘I want to feel connected to you.’” To dive deeper, the question is, how do we respond when dear ones make a bid for our attention?  Gottman suggests that we will respond in one of three ways (only one of which is positive):

1.    Turn Away – Ignore another’s bid or act preoccupied. It can involve lack of eye contact, silence or looking away. (It makes me think of a friend who when I tell her a story about something happy I did, often has no response; silence. It makes me feel deflated.)

2.    Turn Against –React in an insensitive argumentative way, often with sarcasm or ridicule.

3.    Turn Toward –React in a responsive, positive way to another’s bids for emotional connection. It can include eye contact, asking questions, making comments in response to what was said, laughing at a joke, a head nod, a smile.

My Story

I really get this when I reflect on my changed behavior with my husband, Gus. Years back in our marriage, I was often stressed and harbored resentments toward him. If he’d crack a joke, I’d turn against him with a comment like, “That wasn’t funny,” and give him a look like he was embarrassing me. To this day when he talks about something authoritatively, I have to catch myself not to say, “How do you know that?” Many a time I’ve challenged him in front of our son, Theo or others, and I can see how I’m undermining him.

Gus used to turn away from me. If I said, “Honey I have to talk to you about something that happened at school today,” he’d be looking at the TV, instead of me. “You’re not listening to me,” I’d complain.

“I am. I’m just not looking at you.” I did not feel listened to and talked less to him.

It was only after we acknowledged our relationship had become like a desert, and both committed to putting the heart back into our relationship, that our emotional connection became mindful, attentive, and fulfilling again. (I talk about it in chapter one in my book, The Affirming Way of Life.)  I can see how much better our relationship has become because I see us mostly turning toward each other in our communication.

How about you? Which bids are you primarily using with your spouse/partner? Your child? A co-worker? A friend?

Gottman says, “When people consistently turn toward one another’s bid for connection, over time, they develop stable, long-lasting relationships rich in good feelings for one another.”

Your Takeaways

• Become a magnet for bids for your attention. Signs to look for: someone tells you a story, asks you for a small favor, makes a funny comment… turn toward them and respond with care and attention to the valuable people in your life.

• Turn toward others with an appropriate laugh to a joke, eye contact, verbal response, action (authentically, of course.)

• Observe the person’s facial, voice, and emotional response to your attention. Their comfort and delight will support you in making mindful responses  a habit.

Why not become mindful of others’ bids for your attention and care, and turn toward them today!

Loving Parenting – Impacting Generations

Do you ever ponder the legacy you’re leaving? By legacy I mean the impact your life has on those whose lives you touch, especially your children, grandchildren, and any of the younger generation. I do. Frequently.  An unexpected phone call awakened me to the unimagined magnitude our impact can reach.

The Inspiring Conversation

The call was from Wes, my son, Theo’s best friend, who’s like a second son to me. I’d sent him a warm thank you note for his recent help creating a YouTube channel for me.

“Mrs. Sigg, I just wanted to tell you how happy I was to help, how much your note meant, and I want to apologize.”

Apologize? I was confused.

“I was short with you towards the end of our work session, and I was mad at myself for not having better control. I’d never want to offend you. You mean so much to me.” He then explained to me the reason for his reaction.

“I didn’t think a thing of it,” I responded. “I figured you had other work to move on to. But, I so appreciate you being so real and open with me about what was going on with you. The fact that you care enough to make things right with me, means the world to me. How lucky Theo and I am to have such a deep, loving connection with you.”

What Wes said next is the part that blew me away, and I gift to you.

“Both Theo and I communicate this way with you because you and Mr. Sigg, and my parents, have given us 100% pure, supportive love. You have allowed us to express our feeling and thoughts freely without censure. Loving acceptance sets the tone for open communication.

“The gift of being loving, non-judgmental parents will not only live on after you’re gone, but will ripple through generations to come far beyond our life and our kids’ lives.”

“Thank you, dear boy. You just gave me the most precious of gifts.” His depth of feeling, the thought of us all being gone (yikes!), and the long-range impact our lives indeed have, made me teary.

Your Takeaways

How often do we consider our legacy, the parts of us that will live on in others? What do you want your children and grandchildren to say they learned from you?

Spreading good, loving energy to others is the greatest gift we can offer—it’s what we’re here for. I thought about the qualities of love Wes recognized we offered him. Here’s my reflection on how Wes’s parents and Gus and I nurtured the boys to impact them to be aware, communicative loving young men. Why not consider making one of the following tips a habit starting today:

• Look with eyes for what’s best in your children, and tell them something positive you see in them every day, or each time you’re together.

• Accept your children for who they are and squash your judgments when they arise. Communicate the message, “I am in your corner and I have faith in you.”

• Take a sincere interest in their life. Listen fully when your child speaks. As the lyric from the musical Hamilton goes, “Say less, smile more.”

• Be real—express your own emotions, but not targeted at them. You will show them you’re human, and validate being open and expressive with emotions.  

• Love, love, love your children, your grandchildren, all the young ‘uns. Show your love. Love is the greatest power on earth!

So I say to you, why not begin thinking of your loving legacy today?