Develop This One Habit to Extend Your Life

What would you say if I told you eating well, genetics, and exercise are not the greatest predictors of how you’ll grow old? That’s right.

An exciting 80 year study, conducted by Harvard researchers reveals the surprising secret to a long happy life. Following 724 men of all different walks of life—from college age throughout the course of their whole life, they found that quality RELATIONSHIPS were the single greatest predictor of aging well.

“Those who kept warm relationships got to live longer and happier,” says Robert Waldinger, director of the study. “It wasn’t their middle-age cholesterol levels that predicted how they were going to grow old. It was how satisfied they were in their relationships.”

I highly recommend Waldinger’s twelve minute TED talk “What Makes a Good Life? Lessons from the Longest Study on Happiness.” It’s been viewed over 30,000,000 times, if that’s any indicator of the interest in the study’s findings!

Harvard Study Supports The Affirming Way of Life

I of course, got excited about this information because it supports my essential message in The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good: our relationships are precious. When we nurture them with heartfelt sincere praise and appreciation, we feel closer and more connected. And now we know, not only does it make us feel more fulfilled emotionally and spiritually, it extends our physical lives, too! 

So I ask you, how are you tending your precious relationships? Do you pause each day to take in and appreciate something about those you’re closest to? Do you then take a moment and tell the person the good you notice and feel?

I totally understand that when you read this, you think to yourself, I should do that. It’s a good idea. And then you don’t. Why not? Maybe it’s because we’re all flooded with so much input: responsibilities, angst over the news, health concerns, family worries, we’re tired… that we just don’t think of it.

Make it a Habit

Here’s my suggestion: Make affirming a habit.

Let me tell you how I made it a habit. As I was writing The Affirming Way of Life, I realized not only was I not appreciating my husband, I was actually taking him for granted. Rather than noticing the good he did and the warmth and kindness he brought into my life, my focus was on the things he didn’t do. My wake-up call came when he said to me, “You always have positive things to say about the people you work with, but I don’t hear a word of appreciation about me.”

Whoa! My affirmer-self felt ashamed. He was right. I began by affirming him regularly for one thing—doing the dishes. “Thanks honey. I so appreciate you washing the dishes. I feel calmer when the kitchen is clean.” My affirmations expanded to appreciating him for listening, for considering my feelings…for many of his substantial actions and ways of being.

The more I affirmed Gus, the more he affirmed me, and a more loving vibe began flowing between us. This experience showed me how necessary affirming is to nurturing the love and joy in our relationship. So my tips are:

• Commit to affirming your dearest loved one(s) daily. Consider it like brushing your teeth, necessary for your well-being.

• Pause and ask yourself: What do I appreciate or admire about my person today or in general? How does my person impact my life?

• Affirm your person specifically and sincerely. When we are specific, we give the person something to repeat to themselves to build their inner good feelings. When we’re sincere, our words go from our heart to theirs. We nurture warmth that deepens the love and joy in our relationships and even extends our longevity.

Why not extend your life by regularly affirming the precious people in your life—starting today!

Your Caring Words Can Save a Life

This is how much our caring words mean—they can save a life. Even if it’s not literally, our caring words in person or in a note, an email, or a text can touch someone’s life when they need it most. Here’s an inspiring story of when the words didn’t show up, the miracle that followed, and the life dedicated to reminding others to seize the moment and express caring words when they’re direly needed. 

If Just One Person Showed They Cared

Recently, one of on my favorite morning shows, CBS Sunday Morning, featured Kevin Hines. When he was nineteen, feeling like a hopeless burden on everyone, he jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. Hines was one of only thirty jumpers out of 1600 to have survived. He said, “If just one person had showed me an ounce of concern, I wouldn’t have jumped.”

 He knows how much caring words mean. When he was hospitalized for his injuries, he received a note that said, “You’re a good person and you matter.” This made all the difference in his recovery. Now he travels around the country talking about suicide prevention and the role of caring letters.

Hines says, “A note is tangible, something you can hold onto, and read over and over for support.”

Caring Letters and Suicide Prevention

Caring letters as an approach to prevent suicide was the brainchild of Dr. Jerry Motto, a psychiatrist at the University of CA. During World War II when he was overseas, the letters he received from home made him feel connected. He thought, why not offer the same sense of connection to patients?

 In the early ‘70’s he conducted a study of people recently released from psychiatric hospitals and at risk for suicide. Half the group received about eight caring notes a year   from his staff, and the other half didn’t. In the first two years the suicide rate of those receiving caring letters was half the rate of those who didn’t. Caring notes are worth their weight in gold when someone is vulnerable and suffering.

A Story Close to Home

I know how much caring notes mean when someone’s at their lowest. When my sister-in-law Fay, was diagnosed with stage four ovarian cancer, initially she felt her life was over. But she says the caring notes she’d surprisingly receive totally shifted her attitude.

 “Week after week I’d receive cards from other women living with ovarian cancer. It was so kind of these strangers to write me to lift my spirits. I stopped feeling poor me. If they could survive, I thought I could too. The cards made me feel hopeful. Each was a little blessing.”

This is what living the affirming way of life is about. Seize the moment to make a difference in someone else’s life by expressing your heart or a few kind words. Here are six tips to get yourself going:

6 Tips on Sending Caring Notes

1.  Reach out and don’t make excuses to yourself when you notice someone is feeling low.

2. A few heartfelt sentences of hope is gold to someone who’s sad or down in the dumps.

3. In your words, focus on what you value in the person. “You are a kind person. I never hear you say a bad thing about anyone.”

4. Say something encouraging. “You’re going to get through this.”

5. Make your message about the receiver not yourself. Instead of beginning with “I…” begin with “You..”

6. Don’t over think your message. Better to send an email or text or to make a call than not. Time can be of the essence!

Learn more about Kevin Hines work in his book, Cracked Not Broken, Surviving and Thriving After a Suicide Attempt. He also has a documentary, Suicide: The Ripple Effect.

Why not send that caring note today and lift someone’s spirits!

Some Strategies for Dealing With Your Critical-Self

I write to you every two weeks about being an affirmer—focusing on the good in others and telling them. But what about your anti-affirmer, your critical-self? We all have one! I can tell you it’s through my deep acquaintance with my own critical self (oh, and she’s been quite the cause of great suffering) that my affirmer-self has been able to rise to the center stage of my life.

  Our Criticisms of Others Reflect Our Criticism of Ourselves

I have come to understand that my criticism of others reflects my criticism of myself.  For much of my adult life I tried very hard to fit in and be normal, because growing up with my bipolar mother, I felt anything but normal. So of course, when my husband and son behaved in ways that did not fit in socially in my eyes, my critical-self reared her head. “You talk too much about yourself. You’ve got to be a better listener to develop friendships,” I might lecture either one of them. I wanted to fit in, so I dumped my need on them! 

Another area I’d criticize my family for was not working hard enough to achieve goals. Again, me! I saw my family as a reflection of me. My good news is that as I’ve been able to heal and develop my wounded inner self, I have stopped expecting my family to complete me.

How about you? What do you criticize others for? Is there something you’ve been discontent with that you’re projecting onto those you’re closest to? In an excellent article at Oprah.com by Martha Beck, “The Three Questions You Need to Ask Yourself Before Criticizing Someone”, Martha quotes Bryon Katie, “I am whatever I believe you to be.” See if Katie’s wise insight can help you get perspective on your critical-self.

Is There a Right Time to Criticize Family and Friends

The answer is a great big NO! What can being critical get us? Separation? Defensiveness? Harbored hurt and anger?

Relationship expert, John Gottman, PhD, has studied marital relationships for decades. He found that couples are on the road to divorce when the ratio of positives to negatives falls below five to one. (Gottman says this applies to all relationships.) That means for every negative comment we make it takes five positives to soften the effect of the criticism. That’s a lot of work! Better to catch yourself before blurting out a comment that can cause more harm than good. I’ve been practicing this for years now. I often find myself ready to say something that I don’t think will be received well. Pausing and imagining how my words might affect the other person makes a tremendous difference.

Help the Person Who Needs it Most: You

When I feel criticalness brewing, it’s a sign I need to be there to take care of myself.  I am one of those people who can be hypersensitive to hearing other people chew their food. My husband, Gus, is extremely considerate the way he eats, yet many times over the course of our marriage I’ve insulted him with a comment like, “Do you have to chew in my ear?” Now when I notice I’m being hypersensitive, I remind myself it’s because I’m exhausted. Instead of being nasty to Gus, I say something to myself like, “Gail, you’re tired. Let go of what you’re working on and relax.” It’s my issue, not his. I take care of myself by recognizing my trigger and speaking lovingly to me.

There is a strategy I use when I need to express my feelings that I taught to students years ago as part of conflict resolution: Use an “I message.”  It makes me feel good to own my feelings and not judge or label the other person. And it’s the best way to communicate feelings with the least likelihood of pushing the other person away. In the chewing situation if Gus’s chewing is bothering me, I say something like, “I know I just made a face at you about your chewing. I’m tired. There goes my crazy hypersensitivity!  I’ll just move a little further away.”  We laugh, it’s just part of me.

Your Takeaways

• Do not criticize family or friends!

• Become self-aware of your criticism triggers. Explore what you need to do to satisfy yourself so you can become less self-critical and critical of others.

•   Before saying something that can be perceived as criticism, ask yourself, how do I imagine the other person will react?

•  When you see you’re triggered by something or someone, speak lovingly to yourself. Self-compassion has a soothing effect.

•  Use “I messages” to express feelings that could turn into a criticism. Say, “I feel….when…” No name calling, labeling or blaming.

Why not take some advice from Olive Kitteridge, the opinionated, prickly, big-hearted character of Pulitzer Prize winning author, Elizabeth Strout, in her sequel, Olive Again.

   “We’re old enough to know things now, and that’s good.”

  “What kind of things?” Cindy asks.

  “When to shut up, mainly,” says Olive.

Imagine putting a big, warm, protective hand over your mouth, and take Olive’s advice!