Be Your Own Cheerleader: Dealing with Negative Self-Talk

I am so guilty of beating myself up needlessly with negative self-talk. In my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, I wrote about my negative self-talk habit in the past tense. But, the slow-down of forward movement in my life, thanks to Covid-19, has brought my old, familiar, undermining voice back.

I first became aware of her (my negative voice) again, during a conversation with a friend who’s a life coach.

My Negative Self-Talk

Jamie was telling me a story about coaching someone with a self-defeatist attitude and it was as if my phone alarm was chiming. “I can’t believe you just said that! Gus and I do puzzles after dinner every night. When I’m working on a section that’s hard, I say things like, ’The piece must be missing. I can’t do this, it’s too hard!’’

“How could you reframe that statement?” she asked.

I knew what she was getting at. I had available to me broader, more positive ways of looking at this minor difficulty. “I could say something like, ‘Hang in there. You eventually always connect the pieces.’”

“How does that statement feel compared to the other?”

“Empowered.” Yes. I could see how the words I say to myself could fuel or fizzle my power.

Feeling more discouraged than usual, my ears were perked to listen for any other self-defeatist talk.

A few days later, I began researching bloggers who wrote about similar subjects to me. I hoped to find someone with a large following who might invite me to be a guest blogger. The ones that appealed to me had from 80,000-100,000 followers.

OMG! To have that many followers! They’re in a different universe than me.

And there she was. My old comparing-self-to-others voice. I was intimidated by the disparity between their number of followers and mine, and went right to putting myself down. So mean of me!

So…

Take a Positive Action

In a kind, compassionate voice that I’d offer anyone else, I say to myself, “I am so sorry, Gailie, for speaking to you that way. You are hard-working and capable, you’ve accomplished many other goals, and you will do this, too!”

Through years of living with my nasty self-talk voice, I’ve developed my own inner cheerleader to soothe and uplift myself. I know she may sound very rah rah, but isn’t that what cheerleaders do?

The way my process works, once I have awareness, I instinctively work at shifting my perspective. Sometimes encouraging self-talk is all I need to make the inner change, but often I turn to my inner circle of people who help me see things from a larger more positive perspective.

Shift Your Point of View

Thanks to Covid-19 (I know it’s hard to imagine it has some silver linings), my husband, Gus and I have dinner and talk every night on our deck taking in the beauty of the pines, our silver maple, and the slowly setting sun lighting up our grass a neon green. Sipping chilled sauvignon blanc I say,

“Honey, you know that ‘I’ll never find the puzzle piece’ thing I say every night, well today I noticed that attitude is spreading. I found two bloggers who I’d like to reach out to as a guest blogger, but they have something like 100,000 followers. No way they’d be interested in me.”

“The sky is falling!”

“Aw, come on. I don’t catastrophize like I used to.”

“How long have those bloggers been at it?”

I grabbed my iphone and googled their histories. “One has been at it for thirteen years and the other ten.”

“See! Developing a following takes time. It’s like expecting a fifth grader to write a college thesis. Give yourself a break and be patient, Gailie. You’ll get there.”

Gus gave me perspective, and I could have kissed his feet. I felt all kinds of things: permission to be a beginner, undeserving of self-putdowns, reigning in of my expectations of my number of blog readers. And if Gussie didn’t help me see the bigger picture, I would have called my sister or my closest friend.

Your Takeaways

• Listen to the things you say to yourself. If you catch yourself speaking negatively, know that it is in your power to change the message.

• Take a positive action and respond to your negative self-talk in a kind, compassionate voice. Encourage yourself and remind yourself of past successes as I did. Become your own cheerleader!

• Shift to a broader more positive perspective by speaking to someone you can rely on for that, or by self-reflection or journaling. Another possibility is to turn to a good book, such as Infinite Possibilities by Michael Dooley.

• Develop an affirmation to repeat each time you encounter the situation that gave rise to the negative self-talk. With puzzles I now say: Hang in there, in time you always connect the pieces.” With blogging I say: Be patient. Developing a following takes time. You’re making a difference person by person.” I really repeat these phrases to myself and feel much more confident.

Why not let these Covid-19 times be an impetus to shift your self-talk to the positive side!

If you like what you read here, check out my award-winning book available on Amazon that can help you have more fulfilling connections with everyone in your life:

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good

Kindness in the Time of Corona

The other day I got bolder going out into the world and went to my dentist to fix a cracked tooth. My dentist and I reconnected with small talk. Then I said,

“Between the worldwide Corona Virus and protests over the inequities to Black people, we’re living during a time of great change.”

“Oh, people may be kinder now,” my dentist responded. “But it won’t last. Look at how short-lived the caring and kindness was after 9/11.”

I thought, I don’t see it that way. Why do I see all the goodness possible, yet my dentist doesn’t? How can I help others embrace this opportunity to be the change they want to see?

Be the Change You Want to See in the World

When I first heard those words years ago they were life-changing. Gandhi’s message to me was change begins with me. If I want to experience more kindness, be kind. If I seek a peaceful life, find peace within. If I believe in justice and care for all people, support my values in my actions. Lofty important goals, I’m sure you’ll agree, but how do we actually live them when everyday life sneakily distracts us from our intentions? Here’s one way.

A Changed Life, A Better World, Begins with a Choice and a Commitment

A couple of years ago, in my husband Gus’s Greek mountain village, I met a wise, very spiritual woman, who reignited Gandhi’s message in my heart and mind. Despina (who was the same age as me) and I would meet to silently walk together at 6:30 AM to greet the awe-inspiring sunrise over Sparta. On the way back, we’d chat and she’d share equally awe-inspiring thoughts. Here are some that stuck with me:

“All of us live in the world we have inside us. Whatever our inner feelings and thoughts—joy, anger, resentment, jealously, compassion, hate, empathy, love—we spread what’s inside us in the world. If we want to change the world, we must take responsibility for our inner world and our influence on the outer world.”

Despina’s words reverberate in my mind. Here’s two actions I take to make them my reality.

Become the Observer of Your Thoughts

One part of being the change you want to see in the world, is becoming aware of our thoughts and feelings. We think about 60,000 thoughts a day! Many luckily, are inconsequential to our impact on others. But our thoughts that are negative, critical, or negatively impact our emotions are the ones to attend to.

The deeper work here is to ask ourselves: What’s that about? Why am I feeling this way?  You might journal, talk with a trusted close person, or have an inner dialogue with yourself to gain insight as to what to do with the negativity you’re feeling. The important take away here is, your feelings and thoughts are up to you to work through. For the sake of your inner peace and the energy you spread in the world, become the observer of your thoughts.  

Choose Kindness

Possibly the simplest way to commit to being a positive influence in the world is to recognize your common humanity with all people and be kind. Here’s a number of ways I spread good energy through kindness, and you can, too:

1.  Offer words of praise and encouragement freely and generously. A kind word makes someone’s day. Read my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, for lots of inspiration on how to find the words and make the most of your time with others.

2.  Driving on the road, be patient and let others in your lane.

3.  When out walking, even wearing a mask, smile with your eyes and wave to fellow walkers to affirm your connection.

4.  Make it a habit to reach out to at least three people a day through a call, a text, or an email to let them know you’re thinking of them and you care.

5.  Listen and actually take an interest in someone. Be curious about them.

6.  Give, give, give. Give away clothing and things to others, cook for someone ill, give your time to help with a project, the options are endless.

7.  Send good energy in the world daily. Imagine health to all you know who are ill. Imagine blessings to those seeking love. Imagine peace and healing of relationships, of countries, of political parties, of the environment. Everything is energy and your good thoughts do make a difference!

Why not commit to make your inner world and your influence on the outer world as positive as it can be!

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Embrace Change: 4 Questions to Help You

As I contemplated what my new blog topic would be this week, a single word floated up in my mind – CHANGE.  I kept hearing the line from Sam Cook’s 1964 song, “A Change is Gonna Come” - it’s been a long time, a long time coming, but I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will.” You are so right, Sam. It’s been a long time, and everything in the world as we know it is shifting.

 The murder of George Floyd, as a result of police brutality, has catalyzed protests for days on end all over the United States and the world. Floyd is the straw that has broken the camel’s back in the abominable injustice of the treatment of Black people. My heart goes out to him and his family, and all Blacks who have lost their lives because of the color of their skin. A change is coming now… coming fast… and its time!

Between the impact of Covid-19 and the George Floyd protests, our way of life has been totally shaken up.

A Wake-up Call

What’s going on?  I ask myself.

There’s obviously a wake-up call we need as a human race, to change our ways before even more cataclysmic things happen.

Not too many years ago, I had a personal wake-up call. A member of my family had her life turned totally upside down. She was at the top of her game professionally, socially and glowing with inner confidence.  Yet, in the blink of an eye, all that crumbled. She was hospitalized for an unexpected health condition, and we who loved her stood by in shock and fear.

Here’s the similarity to what’s going on in the world. I said to myself, if such a big shake-up has occurred there has to be a larger reason as to why. So my loved one and I each asked ourselves these questions:

• What’s to be learned here?

• What do I need to pay more attention to?

• What’s the opportunity?

• How can I change and grow because of this?

And because she seized the moment to do the work that became clear to her, her life now is richer, more grounded, and much happier. But it took concerted attention, effort, support and time.  

I ask myself those same four questions now.

What’s to be learned here? What do I need to pay attention to?

Covid-19 and racial injustice are each about separation and protection.

The Corona Virus forces us to wear masks and stay six feet apart for protection from life-threatening germs. But we’re painfully separated physically and socially from others. Racial injustice leaves Black people unprotected by our law enforcement and judicial  systems because of ingrained societal separation between Whites and Blacks.

The learning to me is to value everyone, those we love, acquaintances, and those who appear different than us. PEOPLE MATTER.

What’s the opportunity? How can I change and grow because of this?

Covid-19 Opportunity: Connect with loved ones

I’ve noticed how important the people in my life are. When we could freely move around in the world, I was busy going, doing and socializing with many and didn’t always give those dearest to me as much time and attention. Here are changes I’ve made:

• I spend quality time with my house-mate, my husband. Dinners, walks, conversations—I give him my full attention now, and of course daily tell him how grateful I am for him. Our relationship has become more precious.

•   I have weekly dates to FaceTime with a sister-friend and my three nieces with their young babies. In the past I’d speak to them occasionally, but now I water the relationships with my time and care and the result is great joy.

•   My son, Theo and his girlfriend, Sarah, come over for a barbecue once a week. They are my heart and I make sure each week to let them know how much they mean to me.

•   Whoever I FaceTime, zoom, or speak with I make sure to affirm them and let them know how much I appreciate them.

Racial Injustice Opportunity: Connect Through Learning and Action

I’m really impressed by all the companies and institutions who are stepping up to raise our consciousness and are taking action. This morning my email was flooded with meaningful response letters to the protest. I am using the following resources to learn and grow.

• Coursera, a fabulous online opportunity to take free classes from outstanding universities is offering fourteen courses on anti-racism, social justice and inclusion from universities like Stanford, Vanderbilt, Emory, Weslyan, U of Michigan and Rutgers. I’m signing up for one this week, to raise my consciousness.

• My husband and I are taking an online course with the great Buddhist teacher, Jack Kornfield, entitled Keeping a Steady Heart in Uncertain Times. At his website he offers a list, “75 Things White People Can Do for Racial Justice,” with actions we can take now.

• Support legislators and leaders who are advocating for humane treatment and protection of the rights of all people. Reach out and affirm them and give them your vote!

Why not ask yourself the four questions and reflect on the meaning of this shake-up for you. Then decide to begin to make some changes starting today!