Affirming Can be Awkward—Take a Chance…

How many times have you noticed something absolutely wonderful about someone—but didn’t tell them? Or, in the moment thought, what a difference this person has made in my life—but didn’t tell them. Or, you really appreciate the way someone was so there for you—but didn’t tell them. These missed opportunites occur with loved ones, acquaintances, even strangers, and for most of us, the number of times could be in the hundreds and thousands!

I want to share with you an inspiring story from a friend who woke up and became attuned to living her life with no more lost opportunities sharing her heart.

Monica’s Story

Monica is a generous, good-hearted person, yet very quiet and reserved. We became friend over thirty years ago, but drifted apart and hadn’t spent time together in many, many years. A few weeks ago, I saw Monica again when her daughter, a very dear, former student of mine, was in town and invited me to come visit at her mom’s house. As a gift I gave each of them a copy of my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good.

A couple of weeks later, I received a call that I can only describe as a gift as valuable as gold. It was from Monica. She said:

“Gail, I read your book on the airplane on our return flight from vacation, and couldn’t stop reading it. It was like it was written for me. I don’t share what I think and feel. I grew up thinking what I thought wasn’t important. So I just kept it to myself. Even before I read your book I would catch myself at the grocery checkout thinking how beautiful the cashier’s lashes were or admiring her thick mane of hair—but I kept those good thoughts to myself.”

“It was so hard for me to make this call to you! I said to myself, I have to call Gail, and tell her how her book has opened the door to my heart. I tried texting the message, which would be less threatening to me, but each time I wrote the text—it disappeared! This is a sign, I thought, but if I call she’s probably not going to be home or she’ll be busy—this is the story I tell in my head!”

“Gail, I don’t know if saying I’m proud of you is appropriate, so instead I want to say, I’m proud to know you! Your book has given me a pathway to connect with others. I’m so grateful!”

The Impact of Monica’s Epiphany

I’m sharing Monica’s call with you as both givers and receivers of thoughts and feelings from your heart. When Monica told me about her thought process making excuses to avoid being vulnerable and possibly rejected by me, I thought, wow, I can relate to her feelings and I’ll bet many of you can, too. We all make excuses in our heads to not affirm others for fear of being perceived as foolish.

Monica’s openness touched my heart on many levels. I was so honored that my book enabled her to open up in a way she yearned to. I shared a growth moment with her which is always very exciting. I consider her more real and brave now. And as a receiver of her positive words, it was actually the first time she had expressed her admiration or appreciation to me in all the years I’ve known her. Monica’s openness with me made me feel more connected and closer to her. Now I’m looking forward to our sharing of a new more open-hearted relationship.

Living this affirming way of life makes me attuned to messages I hear about expressing our hearts and connecting with others from music, TV, books, or the news, but especially songs. As I wrote this blog Kelly Clarkson’s song, Breakaway—take a chance, make a change, and breakaway (from old heart restrictive patterns) came to mind! Though Kelly’s message is different, listen to it from the mindset of this blog, and be inspired in your own way by Monica’s bold change to continue expressing your heart. Your affirming words may be just what someone needs!

As always, I say, Why Not?

 

A Generosity Lesson

How often have you been utterly moved by the genius of a great work of art—a show, a movie, a sculpture, a dance performance, a book—and expressed your gratitude to the artist? The answer for most of us: rarely.

Recently, I had the exhilarating pleasure of attending a screening at Dartmouth College of one episode of Ken Burns’ latest documentary series, Country Music. (Ken is famous for his documentaries: The National Parks, Baseball, The Roosevelts, Jazz, The Civil War, The Vietnam War and others.) Though I’m not a country music lover, the opportunity to hear Ken speak was more than enough to thrill me.

The two-hour movie, explored the roots of country music through the biographies and performances of luminaries like Hank Williams and the Carter Family. The hardships these musicians endured, their sheer grit, and their influence was deeply moving. At the end of the movie Ken Burns, the writer, and the producer sat in chairs on stage to take questions. 

Mid-way through the Q and A’s, the man sitting behind me was called upon to speak. He said: “I would like to say to the three of you that you are literally an American treasure. You have unfolded the American experience in a way that is very, very unique and I never thought was possible. And I think, years from now when people are trying to define these specific periods in American history, they will go to your videos and find the answer there.”

Ken was visibly touched and answered thoughtfully. “Well, that is very kind of you. I hope to give something of value to my audiences. Our work lives because of gracious listeners like you. We tell our stories to connect with other human beings. Thank you.”

I was jumping out of my skin with delight at the exchange between that man (my friend, Jim) and Ken Burns. But why?

Recognizing A Person’s Contribution Lifts the Spirits of All

Jim’s words gave us all a gift. The exquisitely created documentary was brilliant, entertaining and highly informative. Jim generously and boldly put into words what most of us were feeling. His words palpably touched the heart of Ken. I saw it in his face, heard it in his warm tone of voice as he embraced the compliment, and felt how much he valued listeners appreciating his work.  And not just Ken was touched. I know, because as people were leaving, many came up to Jim to thank him for expressing what they were feeling. All the expressed gratitude in that auditorium just set my spirits soaring!

Pausing to appreciate the significance of a special moment that touches your heart and recognizing the person with affirming words, can raise the spirits of all present as if we were in a place of worship. It makes a moving, joyous experience complete.

Gratitude is Catchy

The next night my husband Gus and I were out to dinner with Jim and his wife Jeanne at a quirky Mexican restaurant in downtown, White River Junction, Vermont. It had the most unique décor (aqua tables, lime chairs, surf movies playing on screens in each corner of the room) and the nachos, grilled blackened watermelon, and mahi mahi tacos were the best I’d ever eaten. Inspired by the way Jim’s words completed the uplifting experience the night before, I decided to do the same.

“Can I please speak to the manager of the restaurant,” I asked our waitress. When he came to our table, I shared with him all my pleasure with the dining experience he created. He responded, “I am so happy you enjoyed your meal. It means so much to hear we’re doing a great job!” He walked away grinning widely and I’d say my tummy felt even happier sharing all the good feelings.

Your Takeaway

• Notice your pleasure and how you’re moved by experiences from a day with a friend, a delicious meal, an inspiring talk, a wonderful art exhibit—the list is endless.

• Be bold and generous and express your appreciation.

• Know that you’re elevating the experience for yourself, the recipient, and anyone else present.

Why not spread good energy in the world?

 

Positivity in the Bathroom

I had an unexpected surprise in an Amsterdam bathroom. While waiting for a table in a small, popular pancake restaurant in the trendy Jordaan section of Amsterdam, I visited their bathroom.

Filling every square inch of wall space above the toilet, were bright red, orange, aqua and lime green messages affirming the restaurant for their extraordinary pancakes. Can you imagine positive bathroom graffiti? I’d never seen it before! The owners of the restaurant had cleverly placed a cube of brightly colored Post-it-sized notes, a pen and some tacks on the ledge above the toilet for patrons to spread the good word—and that they did! Every single note (no exaggeration) was positive!

I left the bathroom with my spirits uplifted. I noticed that expressed positive feelings about the food attracted more of the same. The TED Talk slogan, “Now that’s an idea worth spreading,” flooded my mind. Verbal affirmations are powerful, but the written word is even more so. Each time we reread it we bathe our thoughts and feelings in its positivity.  I imagined the impact of genuinely written positive messages in many different settings.

What If…

• Schools had a positive graffiti bulletin board where kids could post brightly colored Post-it notes about their peers’ acts of kindness or positive role-modeling.

• School bathrooms were decorated with student-made positive affirmations.

• Hospital rooms had a bulletin board (within the patient’s easy view) where nurses posted messages about the good news in a patient’s recovery. A place where family would be encouraged to write the patient’s positive traits and how loved they are as a reminder to staff that this is a human being—do handle with care!

• Employees and employers took the time to write affirming notes to their fellow workers or staff when they appreciated or admired something in someone else’s personhood or performance.

• Graffiti artists were hired to draw beautiful scenes with positive inspiring messages in neglected neighborhoods that need a boost. And while they’re at it, have them paint positive messages and images over the destructive graffiti.

Your Takeaway

 Why Not begin spreading positive messages of your own? Whether posting them in a public place to have a larger ripple effect, or just taking the time to write a positive note to… your friend, child, spouse, parent, sibling, co-worker, doctor, coach, teacher, plumber, gardener, postperson, niece, nephew, store clerk… anyone and everyone you appreciate and who could benefit from your heartfelt words.

Why not begin writing your own positive graffiti today?