Develop This One Habit to Extend Your Life

What would you say if I told you eating well, genetics, and exercise are not the greatest predictors of how you’ll grow old? That’s right.

An exciting 80 year study, conducted by Harvard researchers reveals the surprising secret to a long happy life. Following 724 men of all different walks of life—from college age throughout the course of their whole life, they found that quality RELATIONSHIPS were the single greatest predictor of aging well.

“Those who kept warm relationships got to live longer and happier,” says Robert Waldinger, director of the study. “It wasn’t their middle-age cholesterol levels that predicted how they were going to grow old. It was how satisfied they were in their relationships.”

I highly recommend Waldinger’s twelve minute TED talk “What Makes a Good Life? Lessons from the Longest Study on Happiness.” It’s been viewed over 30,000,000 times, if that’s any indicator of the interest in the study’s findings!

Harvard Study Supports The Affirming Way of Life

I of course, got excited about this information because it supports my essential message in The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good: our relationships are precious. When we nurture them with heartfelt sincere praise and appreciation, we feel closer and more connected. And now we know, not only does it make us feel more fulfilled emotionally and spiritually, it extends our physical lives, too! 

So I ask you, how are you tending your precious relationships? Do you pause each day to take in and appreciate something about those you’re closest to? Do you then take a moment and tell the person the good you notice and feel?

I totally understand that when you read this, you think to yourself, I should do that. It’s a good idea. And then you don’t. Why not? Maybe it’s because we’re all flooded with so much input: responsibilities, angst over the news, health concerns, family worries, we’re tired… that we just don’t think of it.

Make it a Habit

Here’s my suggestion: Make affirming a habit.

Let me tell you how I made it a habit. As I was writing The Affirming Way of Life, I realized not only was I not appreciating my husband, I was actually taking him for granted. Rather than noticing the good he did and the warmth and kindness he brought into my life, my focus was on the things he didn’t do. My wake-up call came when he said to me, “You always have positive things to say about the people you work with, but I don’t hear a word of appreciation about me.”

Whoa! My affirmer-self felt ashamed. He was right. I began by affirming him regularly for one thing—doing the dishes. “Thanks honey. I so appreciate you washing the dishes. I feel calmer when the kitchen is clean.” My affirmations expanded to appreciating him for listening, for considering my feelings…for many of his substantial actions and ways of being.

The more I affirmed Gus, the more he affirmed me, and a more loving vibe began flowing between us. This experience showed me how necessary affirming is to nurturing the love and joy in our relationship. So my tips are:

• Commit to affirming your dearest loved one(s) daily. Consider it like brushing your teeth, necessary for your well-being.

• Pause and ask yourself: What do I appreciate or admire about my person today or in general? How does my person impact my life?

• Affirm your person specifically and sincerely. When we are specific, we give the person something to repeat to themselves to build their inner good feelings. When we’re sincere, our words go from our heart to theirs. We nurture warmth that deepens the love and joy in our relationships and even extends our longevity.

Why not extend your life by regularly affirming the precious people in your life—starting today!

Some Strategies for Dealing With Your Critical-Self

I write to you every two weeks about being an affirmer—focusing on the good in others and telling them. But what about your anti-affirmer, your critical-self? We all have one! I can tell you it’s through my deep acquaintance with my own critical self (oh, and she’s been quite the cause of great suffering) that my affirmer-self has been able to rise to the center stage of my life.

  Our Criticisms of Others Reflect Our Criticism of Ourselves

I have come to understand that my criticism of others reflects my criticism of myself.  For much of my adult life I tried very hard to fit in and be normal, because growing up with my bipolar mother, I felt anything but normal. So of course, when my husband and son behaved in ways that did not fit in socially in my eyes, my critical-self reared her head. “You talk too much about yourself. You’ve got to be a better listener to develop friendships,” I might lecture either one of them. I wanted to fit in, so I dumped my need on them! 

Another area I’d criticize my family for was not working hard enough to achieve goals. Again, me! I saw my family as a reflection of me. My good news is that as I’ve been able to heal and develop my wounded inner self, I have stopped expecting my family to complete me.

How about you? What do you criticize others for? Is there something you’ve been discontent with that you’re projecting onto those you’re closest to? In an excellent article at Oprah.com by Martha Beck, “The Three Questions You Need to Ask Yourself Before Criticizing Someone”, Martha quotes Bryon Katie, “I am whatever I believe you to be.” See if Katie’s wise insight can help you get perspective on your critical-self.

Is There a Right Time to Criticize Family and Friends

The answer is a great big NO! What can being critical get us? Separation? Defensiveness? Harbored hurt and anger?

Relationship expert, John Gottman, PhD, has studied marital relationships for decades. He found that couples are on the road to divorce when the ratio of positives to negatives falls below five to one. (Gottman says this applies to all relationships.) That means for every negative comment we make it takes five positives to soften the effect of the criticism. That’s a lot of work! Better to catch yourself before blurting out a comment that can cause more harm than good. I’ve been practicing this for years now. I often find myself ready to say something that I don’t think will be received well. Pausing and imagining how my words might affect the other person makes a tremendous difference.

Help the Person Who Needs it Most: You

When I feel criticalness brewing, it’s a sign I need to be there to take care of myself.  I am one of those people who can be hypersensitive to hearing other people chew their food. My husband, Gus, is extremely considerate the way he eats, yet many times over the course of our marriage I’ve insulted him with a comment like, “Do you have to chew in my ear?” Now when I notice I’m being hypersensitive, I remind myself it’s because I’m exhausted. Instead of being nasty to Gus, I say something to myself like, “Gail, you’re tired. Let go of what you’re working on and relax.” It’s my issue, not his. I take care of myself by recognizing my trigger and speaking lovingly to me.

There is a strategy I use when I need to express my feelings that I taught to students years ago as part of conflict resolution: Use an “I message.”  It makes me feel good to own my feelings and not judge or label the other person. And it’s the best way to communicate feelings with the least likelihood of pushing the other person away. In the chewing situation if Gus’s chewing is bothering me, I say something like, “I know I just made a face at you about your chewing. I’m tired. There goes my crazy hypersensitivity!  I’ll just move a little further away.”  We laugh, it’s just part of me.

Your Takeaways

• Do not criticize family or friends!

• Become self-aware of your criticism triggers. Explore what you need to do to satisfy yourself so you can become less self-critical and critical of others.

•   Before saying something that can be perceived as criticism, ask yourself, how do I imagine the other person will react?

•  When you see you’re triggered by something or someone, speak lovingly to yourself. Self-compassion has a soothing effect.

•  Use “I messages” to express feelings that could turn into a criticism. Say, “I feel….when…” No name calling, labeling or blaming.

Why not take some advice from Olive Kitteridge, the opinionated, prickly, big-hearted character of Pulitzer Prize winning author, Elizabeth Strout, in her sequel, Olive Again.

   “We’re old enough to know things now, and that’s good.”

  “What kind of things?” Cindy asks.

  “When to shut up, mainly,” says Olive.

Imagine putting a big, warm, protective hand over your mouth, and take Olive’s advice!

Would You Rather Receive a Compliment or an Affirmation?

Recently I gave a book talk at my local library. The next morning I called a friend who attended for feedback. Her thoughts tuned me into some subtleties I thought would be valuable for my blog readers. Ann said, “Gail, from your talk, and knowing you so well, I know that affirming goes much deeper than a compliment.” I agree with Ann.

Compliment vs Affirmation

A compliment tends to be on the superficial level, often about appearances. “Your hair looks nice.” “Your dress is beautiful.” “Your house is lovely.” The online Oxford Dictionary defines compliment as a polite expression of praise or admiration; flattery. I’m not saying compliments are worthless, far from it. Who doesn’t like to hear a compliment? But sincerity can come into question because compliments tend to lack substance.

Affirmations, as I speak of them, come from the heart. To affirm someone is to value them. It involves pausing to appreciate—a kindness, an accomplishment, someone’s good fortune, a positive change, a strong wonderful quality they possess, something special about their appearance, their generosity, their service…the list is endless. It is a generosity of spirit on our part as the giver, to take the time to value and then express our positive thoughts or feelings to another understanding that our words are a gift, possibly more valuable than any material thing.

In my book I give some basic guidelines when affirming.

·         Be specific- (particularly when recognizing a quality or strength in another’s character) describe in detail what the person did well, so that she can recognize it within and internally praise herself too. 

·         Be sincere- words from the heart go right to the heart.

Heartfelt Examples of Affirming

The other big thing Ann made me aware of, was that it would help the participants at my talk to understand how I find the words and actually express an affirmation.

Last night I was at my cousin Brenda’s to celebrate the break-the-fast for Yom Kippur. I did as I always do. Each person I encountered during the evening I looked for a positive thing to say to them. Why? It creates a positive flow between myself and the other person. It’s a joy! We smile and laugh and enjoy each other when affirmations pass between us.

I knew I was going to see my nephew Jarett’s in-laws. Their older daughter Kimberly had not only gotten married the weekend before, but two days later she was on every TV station being interviewed as the New Jersey State Teacher of the Year. I knew I wanted to congratulate them and recognize this very special moment in their lives. I was imagining that they must be overjoyed with the good fortune of their daughter’s successes. As soon as I saw them at Brenda’s I said, “Kathleen and Howard, what an amazing time in your life! Not only do you have the nachas (good fortune) of having two daughters married in two years, but Kimberly is recognized all over the news as the most outstanding teacher in NJ! I am so happy for you! Tell me about it.” We hugged, they filled me in on details and I joyfully shared in their happiness.

Another one of my cousin Brenda’s daughter-in-laws, Jamie, had her Aunt Marla, who’s like a mother to her, with us. Early in the evening I saw her knitting a beautiful multicolored glove. The easiest way for me to connect with her was to compliment her work so I said, “I love the colors and design you’re knitting. Who’s it for?” She answered and we had a brief positive connection. Later though, I affirmed her. As she was leaving I did a quick reflection on how she always seems to be there for her niece, Jamie, and her great nieces, Jamie’s children. “It’s so beautiful how you are so there for Jamie. I can see you’re like a mother to her.” I looked Marla in the eyes and said it with the deepest sincerity knowing from observation that having never married or had children of her own, Jamie was like her daughter. She told me some family background that I didn’t know about—how Jamie and her brothers often stayed with her on weekends as they were growing up. I responded, “Sometimes we are blessed to have children we don’t give birth to.” We hugged and both of us felt touched.

It’s About Caring and Connecting With Others

I love receiving and giving affirmations. It means so much to me when someone expresses a heartfelt affirmation to me, I feel valued, recognized and worthy. My positive sense of self has absolutely evolved in part based on the affirmations I’ve received. I feel complete paying the gifts I’ve received forward. I live a life where affirming is as much a part of how I live as brushing my teeth. Affirming for me is like smiling or saying thank you for most people. Those are social courtesies. I have learned to connect more meaningfully with others through affirmations. I love building people up recognizing their abilities, appreciating and encouraging them. Every positive thing we say to others benefits them. I feel peaceful knowing that most moments I interact with others I am spreading the good, by seeing and speaking the good. How about you?

Why not choose to affirm people to support them and spread the good!