Relationships are Messy: Some Keys to Embracing the Messiness

““Nothing is perfect. Life is messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational.””

— Hugh MacKay

My husband Gus and I just finished watching the Netflix series Last Tango in Halifax. The jumble of thoughts and good feelings I am left with inspire me to explore the messiness of relationships. Ooh, can they be messy!

The two main characters, Celia and Alan in their mid-seventies, are widowed childhood sweethearts who are reunited via Facebook after over fifty years thanks to the prompting of their grandchildren. It gets interesting when they marry and their very different and complex families are joined together. (Alan’s only daughter is a survivor of abuse and a sheep farmer, Celia’s is an Oxford-educated principal of a private school, recently out as a lesbian.) There’s a little of everything—unfaithfulness, homosexuality, interracial relationships, teenage pregnancy, past physical abuse, and alcoholism. All that messiness on top of differences of age, stages of life, wealth, personality styles, and politics. But here’s the thing, that’s merely the backdrop. What’s really intriguing is how all these relationships seem to work with moments of laughter and joy despite their issues and differences. 

Embrace Your Loved Ones

The glue, the magic that make all this possible—is that they embrace one another.

Ah, embrace. How do we embrace family, friends, our spouse, a partner, siblings, our children, or co-workers when we can be so different from one another and downright disagreeable at times?

I’m thinking of my husband Gus’s big (not fat) Greek family. Our backgrounds are polar opposite. I was the first non-Greek to come into their family which wasn’t easy. They came from a small Greek mountain village to Perth Amboy, I came from Brooklyn to the NJ suburbs. Some family members spout political beliefs that make me cringe, and I’ve received a number of insulting remarks over the years. But I come back. I go to every holiday gathering. Why? They are an extension of my husband. I embrace them as part of embracing Gus. I look beyond the harder parts to what’s good. I love being part of a huge family who cook amazing Greek food. They’re animated, jovial, and each sister in her own way has been kind and embracing of me. And here’s another piece: Gus has offered the same acceptance of my family. As wonderful as most of them are, there have been a couple who have been torture for him to deal with.

Some Keys to Embracing the Messiness

1.    Own your own imperfections. Yes. Remind yourself that whatever traits or behaviors you find annoying in family and friends, you have your own share. It’s become a mantra for me, if I comment on a negative trait in another, I follow with ‘and I know I’m not perfect either.’ (Thank God!) Acceptance of others is rooted in acceptance of ourselves. We’re all human.

2.    Focus on the good in others. It’s human nature to see what’s wrong and what’s missing with others. But we can make an intentional mindshift and focus on what’s good in the people in our life to bring so much more good energy to our relationships. Relationship expert, John Gottman of the Gottman Institute, says that the difference between happy and unhappy couples is a 5 to 1 balance between positive and negative interactions in the relationship. I find I feel better about the people in my life if I think about what I appreciate about them. And it makes it even better when I affirm them and let them know my good feelings.

3.    Admit when you’re wrong and make amends. We all screw up, say things we shouldn’t and wish we hadn’t. Own up to it when you do, it keeps the door open in your relationships.

4.    Create rituals to connect and be together. In Last Tango in Halifax what moved me was the way the families came together for dinners and celebrations despite their disagreements. For happy or sad occasions and holidays we get together with Gus’s family. I wouldn’t miss any of the gatherings. I’m there to let them know that I respect and care about them. Family/friends matter. Opening our hearts and minds to others has huge benefits. Being part of our messy relationships offers us the gifts of inclusion and connection. 

So many of us have felt isolated during the pandemic, when we couldn’t gather or hug our extended family and friends. Why not reach out and embrace your people, messiness and all!

Why not share the gift of The Affirming Way of Life as a summer read with some one you care about!

5 Tips for Growing the Love in Your Relationship

“Don’t assume your partner knows all the ways that you love them. Sometimes they need to hear it! Loving out loud can build a healthy relationship..”

— John and Julie Gottman

I may be putting you on the spot, but have you in the past week told your partner how much they mean to you? I’m thinking of something from the heart like, “Knowing you’re there for me makes me feel so lucky and cared for.” Or a maybe a bit milder like, “I appreciate the way you put up with my meltdown the other day.”

If your answer is no, you’re not alone. Most of us assume our significant other knows how we feel about them so it’s not necessary to express our love or appreciation. Not true! Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute say, “Don’t assume your partner knows all the ways that you love them. Sometimes they need to hear it! Loving out loud can build a healthy relationship.”

I can vouch for the Gottmans’ advice. Consciously choosing to shower my husband Gus with the positives I appreciate about him, rekindled our love and our relationship. If you’ve read my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, you know the story I tell in chapter one on how guilty I was of taking him for granted. We all do that from time to time or even more. Here are five simple tips to get you started creating more loving feelings in your relationship. And the beauty is these tips can get the love flowing with any special person in your life.

Five Tips for Growing the Love in Your Relationship

1.      Look with eyes that see the good. It’s so easy to focus on what’s missing with our loved one, rather than the good that’s there. Try making an intentional mindshift—notice the positives in your partner. My husband, Gus often empties the dishwasher, but leaves at least a quarter of it on the counter for me to put away. I feel the words brewing, How could you not know where these things go? You’re just making more work for me. But I immediately shift to positive thinking, I so appreciate that he empties the dishwasher. I hate doing it. I can count on him. So I say, “Thanks honey I really appreciate you emptying the dishwasher, it’s one of my least favorite jobs.” We share a warm moment.

2.      Express appreciation for who they are, not just what they do. Reflect on your partner’s characteristics that you admire and value. Our words about them shape their sense of self and impact the feel of our relationship. One of the things I appreciate most about Gus is how easy going he is. So I affirm him by saying, “I so appreciate that when I don’t feel like cooking you just say, ‘an omlet is fine.’ How lucky I am to have such an easy to please husband.”

3.      Be specific and sincere in your affirmations.  When we’re specific we give the other person something to hold onto. I’ve noticed when I would just say things like “You’re such a good husband or I love you,” Gus would ask, “Why?” I realize how important it is to be specific and of course to speak from the heart.

4.      Commit to affirm your significant other once a day. Like any good habit you want to develop, it takes repetition, commitment and practice. As you search daily for specific good things you can say to them, the good in them will become more of your focus. The most beautiful benefit is that in time your relationship will feel like the gift it can be!

5.      A Bonus: As you make a point of appreciating and affirming your partner, they may begin to do the same for you. It’s worked that way for us. Spread good energy in your relationship and you’ll find unexpected silver linings.

James Taylor is my favorite go-to artist when I want to get in a mellow, happy state of mind. He says it the best in his song, Shower the People:

Shower the people you love with love

Show them the way that you feel

Things are gonna work out fine

If you only will

 

Wishing you a wonderful month of showering the people you love with love! Please share this link now with someone who needs this message!

My book is available on Amazon.

Think Before You Speak – 5 Tips

“Words have weight. They carry energy and give language its potential to heal or hurt.”

— Madison Taylor

Do you ever wonder like me, where was my head when I said that?  The other night our son, Theo and his bride-to-be, Sarah, were over for dinner. At the end of the meal, as I was boiling water for tea in my electric kettle, I said to my husband, Gus, “Honey, just a reminder, when you use this kettle be sure it’s far away from the cabinets.” (I’ll admit I had an edge to my voice.)

“I always am careful with that.”

“I’m mentioning it because the other day when you were boiling water for me, I saw the steam bathing the cabinets.”

“Well it wasn’t me doing it,” he answered defensively.

Back and forth we went. I saw Sarah get quiet and duck her head to avoid our unnecessary line of fire. Her expression said it all to me. Awkward! Oh, Gail, you didn’t think before you spoke!

By the time Sarah and Theo left it was late, and I knew better than to broach the disagreement then. The next morning I kissed Gus’s cheek and said, “Sorry about last night.”

Kindly he said, “It would have been fine if you’d said it to me privately, but you embarrassed me saying it in front of Sarah.”

In the past I would have beaten myself up for being inconsiderate, but because I’ve been working on showing more empathy to myself I thought, it’s OK Gail, you weren’t thinking of the consequences of your words. You’ll do better next time.

And the crazy thing is, I consciously censor my thoughts before they leave my lips, yet I still at times blurt unnecessary or insensitive words.

How about you. Can you relate?

Psychologists say that it’s common to speak without thinking to our loved ones. One of the benefits of long-term relationships is feeling we can just be our full self. We assume they’ll understand where we’re coming from and not be offended. Not true!

Five Tips for Speaking With More Care

1.      Include the other in your mind before you speak – usually when we speak we’re just thinking of our own feelings and perspective. Embrace the other’s feelings and point of view and consider them as important as your own. When we regard others with more care, it guides us in speaking with more care.

2.      Ask yourself, Will this help or hurt?  Reflect on what you’re about to say. Often our brain is spinning thoughts and our words just blurt out without considering their impact. Slow yourself down before you speak and ask this question as your own friendly inner censor.

3.      Ask yourself, Is what I’m about to say meaningful or relevant to the other person?  If not don’t say it. This is particularly relevant with texting. Often I delete whole statements before I send them realizing its unnecessary information for the other.

4.      Become the observer of your speech. Make it a habit of noticing what you say and how it impacts others. We have the power to manage our thoughts and speech to have a positive impact on others and our relationship with them.

5.      Include affirmations in your conversations. Create positive feelings in your relationships by noticing the good stuff you see in or feel about the person and tell them. When my husband vulnerably told me I embarrassed him, I said, “Thank you honey for being so real and open with me. I am so blessed to have you as my husband.” My affirmation added back some good energy to our relationship.

It’s such a small thing to pause a moment to consider how your words will be received. And it’s such a big thing to say less and care more! Wishing you a wonderful month of positive communicating and connecting!

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good is available at Amazon. May it support you in living your best most fulfilling life!