Look With Eyes for the Spark of Beauty in Your Relationships

Shared life can distract us from seeing the shine that initially attracted us to the people we love.

I was sitting on the end of the dock, feet dangling over the edge, inhaling the beauty of the clear, rippling water. It was my last morning at my sister’s island, lake house. My heart filled with joy watching the sparks of sunlight dancing on the shimmering water. Diamonds. People are like that I thought. When we are attracted to the beauty in another, their qualities we admire—we see their sparkle, and glowing words flow from our lips.

But, life inevitably intervenes. Our friends, our spouse, our family disappoint us. They don’t live up to our expectations. They say things that hurt our feelings. They’re not there for us in ways we’d hoped for. Or we take them for granted, and their habits become annoying, or even boring.

I was that way with my husband. In The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, I tell a story about how my husband, Gus’s sparkle overtime became dulled in my eyes. I saw what he didn’t do, what he wasn’t—rather than what he was.  My wakeup call came one evening when Gus said to me , “You always talk about how great the people you work with are, but I don’t hear a word of appreciation about me.”

I began to think about why that was so. It started with our life pressures. We were both working full time, our son was having difficulties in school, we had financial pressures, extended family conflicts, and found very different ways to relax. I felt anxious and stressed and transferred my negative feelings onto him.

Our thoughts are like magnets. Whatever we focus on draws more of the same. One negative thought leads to another, and before we know it our brain is stuck on the negative south pole of the magnet and can’t seem to budge.

See the Good

How did I move my magnet north again? It was a process that took time like all changes we make in ourselves and our relationships. But a pivotal change in my thinking that moved my magnet, what I call a mindshift, started when I began looking for the good in Gus. He was 100% there for me. He would drop anything and everything if I needed his help. He was kind and easy going, happy with a dinner of scrambled eggs. And so handy. He could fix, put together, and problem-solve any household issue.  

I made a conscious effort to affirm him and express my appreciation when he did anything I found supportive. “Gus, thanks so much for putting air in my tires. I never would have noticed they were low. I so appreciate that you care about keeping me safe.” I was specific, sincere and spoke with a warm tone so he could feel my appreciation. And he did.

“Of course I can’t let anything happen to you!”

I made it a point to find something each day to appreciate or recognize him for, and the bonus was he began doing the same with me. Not only did it create a more loving flow between us, but I felt good focusing on the positive in him and in time I became like a metal detector with eyes for the good in him and most anyone I encountered. Psychologists Dr. Nadine Heitz and Dr. Zan Struebing from True Heights Consulting speak of this in A Burst of Beauty.

Now that Gus and I have been married for thirty years, I would say with his thinning hair he is even more beautiful and shines brighter in my eyes than when we began our life together. I now have eyes that appreciate all the goodness within him, the lasting devotion we share, the acceptance and understanding—I see his true beauty. And this appreciation can be developed in any relationship—with a child, sibling, friend, parent…

Your Takeaways

• Become aware of your inner magnet in your relationships. Is it pulling toward the south pole? Reflect on why that is and if the relationship is valuable to you.

• If the relationship is valuable, become a detector for the good in your person. You may even want to write down the things about your person you appreciate.

• Make a conscious effort to affirm your person daily or when you see or speak to them. Be specific, sincere, and warm in tone, and you will surely open the flow of  shared good energy.

 Why not see the good, speak the good, and spread the good now!

A Generosity Lesson

How often have you been utterly moved by the genius of a great work of art—a show, a movie, a sculpture, a dance performance, a book—and expressed your gratitude to the artist? The answer for most of us: rarely.

Recently, I had the exhilarating pleasure of attending a screening at Dartmouth College of one episode of Ken Burns’ latest documentary series, Country Music. (Ken is famous for his documentaries: The National Parks, Baseball, The Roosevelts, Jazz, The Civil War, The Vietnam War and others.) Though I’m not a country music lover, the opportunity to hear Ken speak was more than enough to thrill me.

The two-hour movie, explored the roots of country music through the biographies and performances of luminaries like Hank Williams and the Carter Family. The hardships these musicians endured, their sheer grit, and their influence was deeply moving. At the end of the movie Ken Burns, the writer, and the producer sat in chairs on stage to take questions. 

Mid-way through the Q and A’s, the man sitting behind me was called upon to speak. He said: “I would like to say to the three of you that you are literally an American treasure. You have unfolded the American experience in a way that is very, very unique and I never thought was possible. And I think, years from now when people are trying to define these specific periods in American history, they will go to your videos and find the answer there.”

Ken was visibly touched and answered thoughtfully. “Well, that is very kind of you. I hope to give something of value to my audiences. Our work lives because of gracious listeners like you. We tell our stories to connect with other human beings. Thank you.”

I was jumping out of my skin with delight at the exchange between that man (my friend, Jim) and Ken Burns. But why?

Recognizing A Person’s Contribution Lifts the Spirits of All

Jim’s words gave us all a gift. The exquisitely created documentary was brilliant, entertaining and highly informative. Jim generously and boldly put into words what most of us were feeling. His words palpably touched the heart of Ken. I saw it in his face, heard it in his warm tone of voice as he embraced the compliment, and felt how much he valued listeners appreciating his work.  And not just Ken was touched. I know, because as people were leaving, many came up to Jim to thank him for expressing what they were feeling. All the expressed gratitude in that auditorium just set my spirits soaring!

Pausing to appreciate the significance of a special moment that touches your heart and recognizing the person with affirming words, can raise the spirits of all present as if we were in a place of worship. It makes a moving, joyous experience complete.

Gratitude is Catchy

The next night my husband Gus and I were out to dinner with Jim and his wife Jeanne at a quirky Mexican restaurant in downtown, White River Junction, Vermont. It had the most unique décor (aqua tables, lime chairs, surf movies playing on screens in each corner of the room) and the nachos, grilled blackened watermelon, and mahi mahi tacos were the best I’d ever eaten. Inspired by the way Jim’s words completed the uplifting experience the night before, I decided to do the same.

“Can I please speak to the manager of the restaurant,” I asked our waitress. When he came to our table, I shared with him all my pleasure with the dining experience he created. He responded, “I am so happy you enjoyed your meal. It means so much to hear we’re doing a great job!” He walked away grinning widely and I’d say my tummy felt even happier sharing all the good feelings.

Your Takeaway

• Notice your pleasure and how you’re moved by experiences from a day with a friend, a delicious meal, an inspiring talk, a wonderful art exhibit—the list is endless.

• Be bold and generous and express your appreciation.

• Know that you’re elevating the experience for yourself, the recipient, and anyone else present.

Why not spread good energy in the world?

 

Positivity in the Bathroom

I had an unexpected surprise in an Amsterdam bathroom. While waiting for a table in a small, popular pancake restaurant in the trendy Jordaan section of Amsterdam, I visited their bathroom.

Filling every square inch of wall space above the toilet, were bright red, orange, aqua and lime green messages affirming the restaurant for their extraordinary pancakes. Can you imagine positive bathroom graffiti? I’d never seen it before! The owners of the restaurant had cleverly placed a cube of brightly colored Post-it-sized notes, a pen and some tacks on the ledge above the toilet for patrons to spread the good word—and that they did! Every single note (no exaggeration) was positive!

I left the bathroom with my spirits uplifted. I noticed that expressed positive feelings about the food attracted more of the same. The TED Talk slogan, “Now that’s an idea worth spreading,” flooded my mind. Verbal affirmations are powerful, but the written word is even more so. Each time we reread it we bathe our thoughts and feelings in its positivity.  I imagined the impact of genuinely written positive messages in many different settings.

What If…

• Schools had a positive graffiti bulletin board where kids could post brightly colored Post-it notes about their peers’ acts of kindness or positive role-modeling.

• School bathrooms were decorated with student-made positive affirmations.

• Hospital rooms had a bulletin board (within the patient’s easy view) where nurses posted messages about the good news in a patient’s recovery. A place where family would be encouraged to write the patient’s positive traits and how loved they are as a reminder to staff that this is a human being—do handle with care!

• Employees and employers took the time to write affirming notes to their fellow workers or staff when they appreciated or admired something in someone else’s personhood or performance.

• Graffiti artists were hired to draw beautiful scenes with positive inspiring messages in neglected neighborhoods that need a boost. And while they’re at it, have them paint positive messages and images over the destructive graffiti.

Your Takeaway

 Why Not begin spreading positive messages of your own? Whether posting them in a public place to have a larger ripple effect, or just taking the time to write a positive note to… your friend, child, spouse, parent, sibling, co-worker, doctor, coach, teacher, plumber, gardener, postperson, niece, nephew, store clerk… anyone and everyone you appreciate and who could benefit from your heartfelt words.

Why not begin writing your own positive graffiti today?