Loving Parenting – Impacting Generations

Do you ever ponder the legacy you’re leaving? By legacy I mean the impact your life has on those whose lives you touch, especially your children, grandchildren, and any of the younger generation. I do. Frequently.  An unexpected phone call awakened me to the unimagined magnitude our impact can reach.

The Inspiring Conversation

The call was from Wes, my son, Theo’s best friend, who’s like a second son to me. I’d sent him a warm thank you note for his recent help creating a YouTube channel for me.

“Mrs. Sigg, I just wanted to tell you how happy I was to help, how much your note meant, and I want to apologize.”

Apologize? I was confused.

“I was short with you towards the end of our work session, and I was mad at myself for not having better control. I’d never want to offend you. You mean so much to me.” He then explained to me the reason for his reaction.

“I didn’t think a thing of it,” I responded. “I figured you had other work to move on to. But, I so appreciate you being so real and open with me about what was going on with you. The fact that you care enough to make things right with me, means the world to me. How lucky Theo and I am to have such a deep, loving connection with you.”

What Wes said next is the part that blew me away, and I gift to you.

“Both Theo and I communicate this way with you because you and Mr. Sigg, and my parents, have given us 100% pure, supportive love. You have allowed us to express our feeling and thoughts freely without censure. Loving acceptance sets the tone for open communication.

“The gift of being loving, non-judgmental parents will not only live on after you’re gone, but will ripple through generations to come far beyond our life and our kids’ lives.”

“Thank you, dear boy. You just gave me the most precious of gifts.” His depth of feeling, the thought of us all being gone (yikes!), and the long-range impact our lives indeed have, made me teary.

Your Takeaways

How often do we consider our legacy, the parts of us that will live on in others? What do you want your children and grandchildren to say they learned from you?

Spreading good, loving energy to others is the greatest gift we can offer—it’s what we’re here for. I thought about the qualities of love Wes recognized we offered him. Here’s my reflection on how Wes’s parents and Gus and I nurtured the boys to impact them to be aware, communicative loving young men. Why not consider making one of the following tips a habit starting today:

• Look with eyes for what’s best in your children, and tell them something positive you see in them every day, or each time you’re together.

• Accept your children for who they are and squash your judgments when they arise. Communicate the message, “I am in your corner and I have faith in you.”

• Take a sincere interest in their life. Listen fully when your child speaks. As the lyric from the musical Hamilton goes, “Say less, smile more.”

• Be real—express your own emotions, but not targeted at them. You will show them you’re human, and validate being open and expressive with emotions.  

• Love, love, love your children, your grandchildren, all the young ‘uns. Show your love. Love is the greatest power on earth!

So I say to you, why not begin thinking of your loving legacy today?

Some Strategies for Dealing With Your Critical-Self

I write to you every two weeks about being an affirmer—focusing on the good in others and telling them. But what about your anti-affirmer, your critical-self? We all have one! I can tell you it’s through my deep acquaintance with my own critical self (oh, and she’s been quite the cause of great suffering) that my affirmer-self has been able to rise to the center stage of my life.

  Our Criticisms of Others Reflect Our Criticism of Ourselves

I have come to understand that my criticism of others reflects my criticism of myself.  For much of my adult life I tried very hard to fit in and be normal, because growing up with my bipolar mother, I felt anything but normal. So of course, when my husband and son behaved in ways that did not fit in socially in my eyes, my critical-self reared her head. “You talk too much about yourself. You’ve got to be a better listener to develop friendships,” I might lecture either one of them. I wanted to fit in, so I dumped my need on them! 

Another area I’d criticize my family for was not working hard enough to achieve goals. Again, me! I saw my family as a reflection of me. My good news is that as I’ve been able to heal and develop my wounded inner self, I have stopped expecting my family to complete me.

How about you? What do you criticize others for? Is there something you’ve been discontent with that you’re projecting onto those you’re closest to? In an excellent article at Oprah.com by Martha Beck, “The Three Questions You Need to Ask Yourself Before Criticizing Someone”, Martha quotes Bryon Katie, “I am whatever I believe you to be.” See if Katie’s wise insight can help you get perspective on your critical-self.

Is There a Right Time to Criticize Family and Friends

The answer is a great big NO! What can being critical get us? Separation? Defensiveness? Harbored hurt and anger?

Relationship expert, John Gottman, PhD, has studied marital relationships for decades. He found that couples are on the road to divorce when the ratio of positives to negatives falls below five to one. (Gottman says this applies to all relationships.) That means for every negative comment we make it takes five positives to soften the effect of the criticism. That’s a lot of work! Better to catch yourself before blurting out a comment that can cause more harm than good. I’ve been practicing this for years now. I often find myself ready to say something that I don’t think will be received well. Pausing and imagining how my words might affect the other person makes a tremendous difference.

Help the Person Who Needs it Most: You

When I feel criticalness brewing, it’s a sign I need to be there to take care of myself.  I am one of those people who can be hypersensitive to hearing other people chew their food. My husband, Gus, is extremely considerate the way he eats, yet many times over the course of our marriage I’ve insulted him with a comment like, “Do you have to chew in my ear?” Now when I notice I’m being hypersensitive, I remind myself it’s because I’m exhausted. Instead of being nasty to Gus, I say something to myself like, “Gail, you’re tired. Let go of what you’re working on and relax.” It’s my issue, not his. I take care of myself by recognizing my trigger and speaking lovingly to me.

There is a strategy I use when I need to express my feelings that I taught to students years ago as part of conflict resolution: Use an “I message.”  It makes me feel good to own my feelings and not judge or label the other person. And it’s the best way to communicate feelings with the least likelihood of pushing the other person away. In the chewing situation if Gus’s chewing is bothering me, I say something like, “I know I just made a face at you about your chewing. I’m tired. There goes my crazy hypersensitivity!  I’ll just move a little further away.”  We laugh, it’s just part of me.

Your Takeaways

• Do not criticize family or friends!

• Become self-aware of your criticism triggers. Explore what you need to do to satisfy yourself so you can become less self-critical and critical of others.

•   Before saying something that can be perceived as criticism, ask yourself, how do I imagine the other person will react?

•  When you see you’re triggered by something or someone, speak lovingly to yourself. Self-compassion has a soothing effect.

•  Use “I messages” to express feelings that could turn into a criticism. Say, “I feel….when…” No name calling, labeling or blaming.

Why not take some advice from Olive Kitteridge, the opinionated, prickly, big-hearted character of Pulitzer Prize winning author, Elizabeth Strout, in her sequel, Olive Again.

   “We’re old enough to know things now, and that’s good.”

  “What kind of things?” Cindy asks.

  “When to shut up, mainly,” says Olive.

Imagine putting a big, warm, protective hand over your mouth, and take Olive’s advice!

Look With Eyes for the Spark of Beauty in Your Relationships

Shared life can distract us from seeing the shine that initially attracted us to the people we love.

I was sitting on the end of the dock, feet dangling over the edge, inhaling the beauty of the clear, rippling water. It was my last morning at my sister’s island, lake house. My heart filled with joy watching the sparks of sunlight dancing on the shimmering water. Diamonds. People are like that I thought. When we are attracted to the beauty in another, their qualities we admire—we see their sparkle, and glowing words flow from our lips.

But, life inevitably intervenes. Our friends, our spouse, our family disappoint us. They don’t live up to our expectations. They say things that hurt our feelings. They’re not there for us in ways we’d hoped for. Or we take them for granted, and their habits become annoying, or even boring.

I was that way with my husband. In The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, I tell a story about how my husband, Gus’s sparkle overtime became dulled in my eyes. I saw what he didn’t do, what he wasn’t—rather than what he was.  My wakeup call came one evening when Gus said to me , “You always talk about how great the people you work with are, but I don’t hear a word of appreciation about me.”

I began to think about why that was so. It started with our life pressures. We were both working full time, our son was having difficulties in school, we had financial pressures, extended family conflicts, and found very different ways to relax. I felt anxious and stressed and transferred my negative feelings onto him.

Our thoughts are like magnets. Whatever we focus on draws more of the same. One negative thought leads to another, and before we know it our brain is stuck on the negative south pole of the magnet and can’t seem to budge.

See the Good

How did I move my magnet north again? It was a process that took time like all changes we make in ourselves and our relationships. But a pivotal change in my thinking that moved my magnet, what I call a mindshift, started when I began looking for the good in Gus. He was 100% there for me. He would drop anything and everything if I needed his help. He was kind and easy going, happy with a dinner of scrambled eggs. And so handy. He could fix, put together, and problem-solve any household issue.  

I made a conscious effort to affirm him and express my appreciation when he did anything I found supportive. “Gus, thanks so much for putting air in my tires. I never would have noticed they were low. I so appreciate that you care about keeping me safe.” I was specific, sincere and spoke with a warm tone so he could feel my appreciation. And he did.

“Of course I can’t let anything happen to you!”

I made it a point to find something each day to appreciate or recognize him for, and the bonus was he began doing the same with me. Not only did it create a more loving flow between us, but I felt good focusing on the positive in him and in time I became like a metal detector with eyes for the good in him and most anyone I encountered. Psychologists Dr. Nadine Heitz and Dr. Zan Struebing from True Heights Consulting speak of this in A Burst of Beauty.

Now that Gus and I have been married for thirty years, I would say with his thinning hair he is even more beautiful and shines brighter in my eyes than when we began our life together. I now have eyes that appreciate all the goodness within him, the lasting devotion we share, the acceptance and understanding—I see his true beauty. And this appreciation can be developed in any relationship—with a child, sibling, friend, parent…

Your Takeaways

• Become aware of your inner magnet in your relationships. Is it pulling toward the south pole? Reflect on why that is and if the relationship is valuable to you.

• If the relationship is valuable, become a detector for the good in your person. You may even want to write down the things about your person you appreciate.

• Make a conscious effort to affirm your person daily or when you see or speak to them. Be specific, sincere, and warm in tone, and you will surely open the flow of  shared good energy.

 Why not see the good, speak the good, and spread the good now!