Life Lessons

Look With Eyes for the Spark of Beauty in Your Relationships

Shared life can distract us from seeing the shine that initially attracted us to the people we love.

I was sitting on the end of the dock, feet dangling over the edge, inhaling the beauty of the clear, rippling water. It was my last morning at my sister’s island, lake house. My heart filled with joy watching the sparks of sunlight dancing on the shimmering water. Diamonds. People are like that I thought. When we are attracted to the beauty in another, their qualities we admire—we see their sparkle, and glowing words flow from our lips.

 
Diamonds+on+the+Lake.jpg
 

But, life inevitably intervenes. Our friends, our spouse, our family disappoint us. They don’t live up to our expectations. They say things that hurt our feelings. They’re not there for us in ways we’d hoped for. Or we take them for granted, and their habits become annoying, or even boring.

I was that way with my husband. In The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, I tell a story about how my husband, Gus’s sparkle overtime became dulled in my eyes. I saw what he didn’t do, what he wasn’t—rather than what he was.  My wakeup call came one evening when Gus said to me , “You always talk about how great the people you work with are, but I don’t hear a word of appreciation about me.”

I began to think about why that was so. It started with our life pressures. We were both working full time, our son was having difficulties in school, we had financial pressures, extended family conflicts, and found very different ways to relax. I felt anxious and stressed and transferred my negative feelings onto him.

Our thoughts are like magnets. Whatever we focus on draws more of the same. One negative thought leads to another, and before we know it our brain is stuck on the negative south pole of the magnet and can’t seem to budge.

See the Good

How did I move my magnet north again? It was a process that took time like all changes we make in ourselves and our relationships. But a pivotal change in my thinking that moved my magnet, what I call a mindshift, started when I began looking for the good in Gus. He was 100% there for me. He would drop anything and everything if I needed his help. He was kind and easy going, happy with a dinner of scrambled eggs. And so handy. He could fix, put together, and problem-solve any household issue.  

I made a conscious effort to affirm him and express my appreciation when he did anything I found supportive. “Gus, thanks so much for putting air in my tires. I never would have noticed they were low. I so appreciate that you care about keeping me safe.” I was specific, sincere and spoke with a warm tone so he could feel my appreciation. And he did.

“Of course I can’t let anything happen to you!”

I made it a point to find something each day to appreciate or recognize him for, and the bonus was he began doing the same with me. Not only did it create a more loving flow between us, but I felt good focusing on the positive in him and in time I became like a metal detector with eyes for the good in him and most anyone I encountered. Psychologists Dr. Nadine Heitz and Dr. Zan Struebing from True Heights Consulting speak of this in A Burst of Beauty.

Now that Gus and I have been married for thirty years, I would say with his thinning hair he is even more beautiful and shines brighter in my eyes than when we began our life together. I now have eyes that appreciate all the goodness within him, the lasting devotion we share, the acceptance and understanding—I see his true beauty. And this appreciation can be developed in any relationship—with a child, sibling, friend, parent…

Your Takeaways

  • Become aware of your inner magnet in your relationships. Is it pulling toward the south pole? Reflect on why that is and if the relationship is valuable to you.

 

  • If the relationship is valuable, become a detector for the good in your person. You may even want to write down the things about your person you appreciate.

 

  • Make a conscious effort to affirm your person daily or when you see or speak to them. Be specific, sincere, and warm in tone, and you will surely open the flow of  shared good energy.

 Why not see the good, speak the good, and spread the good now!



We Can Learn a Thing or Two From American Idol

We Can Learn a Thing or Two From American Idol Judges

I was never a fan of American Idol until the 2019 season. During the finals, I was mesmerized as I witnessed Katie Perry’s magnetic eyehold on the contestant, Alejandro. In her sequined dress in all the colors of the rainbow, adorned with big gold disc earnings nearly touching her shoulders, she said, “Homie, everyone was truly listening to you—you could hear a pin drop. It’s such a pleasure to be in the same lifetime as you. You bring original music and artistry.”

 Then Lionel Richie leaning forward in his black sequined jacket added, “Love at first sound. Every now and then someone comes along who captivates your soul. From one song writer to another, happy to have you join the ranks.”

Finally the third judge, Luke Bryant, dressed in his usual casual and scruffy face said, “You play your music your way and when you’re on the cover of Rolling Stone, I’ll buy it.”

Did you notice as I did, something unusual about their feedback?

They were extremely encouraging. Their words to Alejandro and every other contestant said in essence, I see you. You have real talent. Win or lose you have a future in music. They justifiably supported each contestant’s faith in themselves and their hope to break into the music industry.

We Can Encourage Like American Idol Judges

All of us need encouragement, often on a daily basis. Whether we’re weathering a struggle or striving to achieve a goal, (as the contestants were), encouraging words can strengthen our belief in ourselves that we can get through this; we can reach our dream.

Here are some ways we can encourage others:

  • Focus on the person’s strengths, in essence you’re saying “You have what it takes.” (Katie described Alejandro’s music as original with great artistry, confirming he had what it takes for his career to take off.)

 

  •   Remind your person of his past successes, in essence saying, “You’ve done it before, you have it in you to do it again.”

 

  •   Share your person’s vision for the future. Encourage him to describe his dream in detail and let him know, “I can see you doing this.” (Luke Bryant expanded Alejandro’s vision imaging him on the cover of Rolling Stone.)

Your Takeaway

Why not be an encourager like the American Idol Judges? All of us are not that different than the contestants. Everyday we strive to work through challenges and achieve small and big dreams. Whether we’re trying to overcome stage fright, connect with an audience and sing our heart out, or attempting to resolve a conflict—everyone needs the support of encouraging words.

 

Why not begin encouraging today?

Why Not?

Why Not?

My dad, who had always been so proud, admirable, and self-sufficient, lay curled on his side in a light blue pajama top and bottoms, his hospital bed slightly elevated.

His white hair stuck up in a mohawk, his skin pasty white.

His eyes were closed and his breathing heavy. He had eaten two bites of his cheese sandwich at lunch and his tray was barely touched.

How was it possible that my brilliant, always intellectually curious dad, resembled a sick little boy and I was now his mama wanting to do anything to make him comfortable and well.

“Dad, Dad, wake up,” I said gently shaking his arm.

“Oh, Gail, you’re here. Where am I?”

“Dad, we’re in the nursing unit. There’s some yummy chocolate ice cream in the kitchen area. Can I get you some?”

Why not?

“Why not?!” he replied, throwing his hands up in the air. Dad had always been opposed to speaking Yiddish because we were ‘Americans’, but this one time his voice took on the inflection of my grandmother. He seemed to be saying there’s nothing to lose here in saying, yes.

Your Takeaway

Why not! has since become a dear metaphor for me. When people invite me to experience something new I throw up my hands, channeling my inner dad and say, why not! with his same inflection. I’m saying yes to new experiences, new opportunities.

So I say to you, why not open yourself to embracing the affirming way of life.

Why not look for what you appreciate, admire, or adore in the people in your life and tell them!

The way we view the people in our life is a choice. You can focus on the annoying and disappointing things about others or you can look with eyes that see the goodness and pleasure they bring into your life.

Seeing the good is your clay for speaking the good, and experiencing more of the good in your relationships and yourself. 

Why not begin today!