A Holiday Gift for Ourselves – 4 Tips

The beginning of this article isn’t going to sound very “holidayish”, but I promise as you read on, you’ll see the connection and its relevance to you, so hang in there with me.

This topic came to me recently because of a new challenge (marketing my second career) that feels daunting. I bought books on entrepreneurship, took a course on marketing, but still no clear direction has emerged. So, what do I do? I seek encouragement.

Walking with my friend Jere in Princeton, I spill out my feelings of inadequacy. “I was a teacher all my life. I’m not a salesperson. I’m retired. Other people in my course seem to have gotten farther (the old comparison voice is still with me.) Even though I have a strategy I’m not comfortable with it.”

“It’s understandable, Gail. You just need to find the right support to help you take effective action. You did it with your book, which shows you can do it with this new challenge. I’m so impressed with you with all you’ve done. You can do this!” I have other versions of this conversation with my sister, my husband and a handful of close friends.

I am drawn to motivational quotes and write them on notecards that stare up at me from my beside table or hang from the windows behind my writing desk. Each day I read them for an infusion of self-belief.

“If you are positive you’ll see opportunities instead of obstacles.” Confucius

“Measure your worth by your dedication to your path – not success or failure.”  Elizabeth Gilbert

“The credit belongs to the (wo)man who is actually in the arena…who strives valiantly.” Theodore Roosevelt

In the evening when I watch TV with my husband Gus, I jot down inspiration from interviews with people who’ve been challenged and succeeded.

I’ll just say it. I struggle with faith in myself. When it comes to working on a challenge that I don’t feel a clear direction with, or presently have the skills to tackle, I need encouragement. I need support to believe I have what it takes to make my goal possible. You might ask, so what’s wrong with that?

It’s a Matter of Perspective

My perspective! When I recognize that I’m frequently seeking encouragement from the universe, I chastise myself. “I can’t believe you’re at this place again! I would have hoped with all the moral-boosting you did to write your book, you’d have faith in yourself for good!” My tone is that of a disappointed mother, and the feelings of shame make me cower in a corner of my foot.

“What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human.”

— Brene Brown

Shame is not a friend I like to hang out with, so once I clearly recognize her, I seek ways to let her go.  In my training as a coach, I guide clients to reframe, or look at their negative thinking from a more positive empowering perspective. Ah, yes Gail, let’s reframe the shame! Here’s my thought process:

Another way for me to look at seeking encouragement is that it’s actually a strength. It’s a positive attribute to build myself up when facing a challenge. And the frequency of my pursuit shows my passion, determination, and focus.

I honestly feel uplifted and more self-respect just saying those words.

Challenges Come in Many Forms and Packages

The December holidays are such a mixed bag. They can bring great joy and also lots of anxiety, sadness and loneliness. How about you? What challenges you at the holidays? Is it anxiety to please others or prepare perfectly for your family and friends? Does it bring up sadness or disappointment? Or are you like me and have a goal you’re working on and are judging yourself for where you’re at with it? Here’s my tips that I’ve drawn on to help me through my struggle and may be helpful to you, too.

Tips to Empower You During Challenges

1.     Recognize your inner judge voice when it shows up. Mine criticized me for needing encouraging words. The judge is in us all, but it’s not who we are.

2.     Once you recognize how you’ve judged yourself reframe the statement with another authentic, positive way to look at the part of you that you judged.

3.     It’s so empowering to me to remind myself that I’m human and much of what I feel that makes me feel shame others feel, too. Whatever I’m experiencing I’m not a defective person, or worse than others because of it. I love this from my book, The Affirming Way of life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good: “A big part of being human is to make mistakes, suffer, and feel inadequate—not just us but everyone. It helps to understand that countless people have critical voices in their heads.”

4.     Words can be so empowering. Seek supportive, encouraging words from family and friends for comfort, upliftment, motivation…whatever you need. Be open about your doubts and self-judgement with others you can count on to encourage you. Be aware of words that jump off a page and speak to you. Encouraging messages are there for us if we pay attention.

As my husband Gus wisely said when I shared this topic with him, “Just as food fuels our body, positive encouraging words fuel our souls.”

Wishing you inner kindness, appreciation of your humanity, and lots of love this holiday season!

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good  makes a wonderful holiday gift for anyone at any age you want to share the gift of positive words with.

We Can Learn a Thing or Two From American Idol

We Can Learn a Thing or Two From American Idol Judges

I was never a fan of American Idol until the 2019 season. During the finals, I was mesmerized as I witnessed Katie Perry’s magnetic eyehold on the contestant, Alejandro. In her sequined dress in all the colors of the rainbow, adorned with big gold disc earnings nearly touching her shoulders, she said, “Homie, everyone was truly listening to you—you could hear a pin drop. It’s such a pleasure to be in the same lifetime as you. You bring original music and artistry.”

 Then Lionel Richie leaning forward in his black sequined jacket added, “Love at first sound. Every now and then someone comes along who captivates your soul. From one song writer to another, happy to have you join the ranks.”

Finally the third judge, Luke Bryant, dressed in his usual casual and scruffy face said, “You play your music your way and when you’re on the cover of Rolling Stone, I’ll buy it.”

Did you notice as I did, something unusual about their feedback?

They were extremely encouraging. Their words to Alejandro and every other contestant said in essence, I see you. You have real talent. Win or lose you have a future in music. They justifiably supported each contestant’s faith in themselves and their hope to break into the music industry.

We Can Encourage Like American Idol Judges

All of us need encouragement, often on a daily basis. Whether we’re weathering a struggle or striving to achieve a goal, (as the contestants were), encouraging words can strengthen our belief in ourselves that we can get through this; we can reach our dream.

Here are some ways we can encourage others:

• Focus on the person’s strengths, in essence you’re saying “You have what it takes.” (Katie described Alejandro’s music as original with great artistry, confirming he had what it takes for his career to take off.)

•   Remind your person of his past successes, in essence saying, “You’ve done it before, you have it in you to do it again.”

•   Share your person’s vision for the future. Encourage him to describe his dream in detail and let him know, “I can see you doing this.” (Luke Bryant expanded Alejandro’s vision imaging him on the cover of Rolling Stone.)

Your Takeaway

Why not be an encourager like the American Idol Judges? All of us are not that different than the contestants. Everyday we strive to work through challenges and achieve small and big dreams. Whether we’re trying to overcome stage fright, connect with an audience and sing our heart out, or attempting to resolve a conflict—everyone needs the support of encouraging words.

Why not begin encouraging today?