A Valentine Gift for You: A Relationship Tune-up

It’s February, and what better time than now to tune-up our relationships.

Do your eyes gloss over listening to your significant other (or any dear one)?

Do you sometimes think, same old, same old?

Does your relationship feel a little stale or boring?

If you said yes to any of the above, you can make this month the start of a relationship tune-up. And even if you had no resounding yeses, the ideas that follow can add unexpected joy, pleasure and closeness to your love connections.

Preoccupied and Stressed

I hear the garage door open and the sound of Gus’s leather shoes shuffling on our kitchen tile floor. “Uhh. Already?” I’m in the middle of writing this article at my computer desk, in my writing room, and don’t want to stop. “Hi Honey,” I shout out. I continue my writing for at least 15 minutes before I mosey out to begin dinner.

I’m preoccupied.

What message am I giving my husband? What I’m writing is more important than him. (I ask him how it makes him feel when I don’t come out to greet him. He says, “I’m used to it.” Hmmm.)

Gus stretches out to watch TV on the couch in our family room. I’m feeling frustrated that I didn’t write as much as I’d hoped to. I gaze at him and think, “Always watching TV! Can’t he find something else to do?”

My own negative feelings are spilling over to the way I view my husband.

When I sit down to talk with Gus, he’s unresponsive, just staring at the TV. “Honey, is anything wrong?”

“I’m tired. I’m not in the mood to talk now.”

He’s stressed. Unresolved work issues and complications dominate his thoughts. And I did ignore him!  (It took me many years to not take his being uncommunicative personally.)

We get so caught up in our outside world we forget about our inside world – our heart, our connection with our loved ones.

Make Your Loved One a Priority

We all ignore our loved ones at times, and even though our goals, tasks and projects can consume us, here’s a little reminder I ask myself that may help you: What would my life be without my husband? (You can substitute son, daughter, sibling, friend… you get the picture.)

I’ve developed a practice that reminds me how precious my husband is. I thank God for him daily. Gratitude. Sometime in the day, (often as I walk up the stairs), I think of all the good he brings into my life, our son Theo’s, and that of our daughter-in-law Sarah. The same things come to mind, yet new things crop up, too.

I am intentional about valuing my husband, regardless of passing feelings of sameness, or other pressing thoughts.

But of course, what is valuing another without showing and telling them?

Four Tips to Spark the Love in Your Life

1.     Say thank you every day. Take a moment to appreciate whatever your loved one has done for you and let them know in an extended thank you, how much what they’ve done means to you. The littlest thing like ‘takes out the garbage,’ expressed sincerely makes your loved one feel valued. I don’t usually thank Gus for taking out the garbage which he has been doing for 32 years. Today I did, though. “Thanks, honey, for braving the cold to get our garbage out on time. I so appreciate that you do that, and I don’t have to.” Gus gave me a tighter hug this morning before he left for work. I smiled inside.

·       Gus and I both say thank you often. It creates an atmosphere of respect and appreciation that feels good.

2.     Share something you love, admire or appreciate about your loved one daily. It’s about putting good energy into your relationship, intentionally. I’m thinking of our cars. If we didn’t fill them with gas, they’d be stationary and wouldn’t take us anywhere. Affirming our loved ones daily is keeping our relationship tanks full so our relationships keep moving in a satisfying forward direction.

·       When I pause to appreciate my husband (or any loved one) it’s in the small details of life that I find what I love and the words to say it: “I love that you do what you say you’ll do.” “I love the way you appreciate whatever I make you for dinner.” “I love the way you make me feel.” “I love the way you see the best in me even when I don’t.” “I appreciate the way you tolerate my idiosyncrasies and make jokes about them.”

·       One of the gifts of affirming my husband daily, is that he’s more affirming of me, too. The good energy flows back and forth.

3.     Make rituals of connection – carve out time together. During a time in our relationships when Gus and I had drifted apart, we sat down and brainstormed the things we both enjoyed so we could reconnect. Then we began putting those dates on our calendar. The more fun things we did the more the good energy began flowing between us.

·       For us it was traveling, hiking, shows, movies, dinners with friends. How about you?

4.     Start a ritual of hugging at the start and end of your day. A full three breath hug and add a kiss in, too! I didn’t always do this. But since we started it definitely solidifies the care and pleasure of our relationship.

And Especially on Valentine’s Day

Gus says to tell you all, “Make a list (before V Day) of five things you love and appreciate about your sweetheart,” and tell them on Valentine’s Day. Right from my formerly not-an-affirmer husband!

Let this month be the start of intentionally cherishing your loved ones and creating the flowing love you seek!

Gail loves nothing more than speaking to groups about ways to improve their relationships and connections at home or work; how to develop a positive mindset; and how to create a balanced life you love. You can contact her for more information at gail@theaffirmingway.com.

Want individual help to make a transition or create more fulfillment in your life? Contact Gail for coaching at gail@uppcoach.com. And go to her website www.uppcoach.com to learn more and read reviews of her transformational support.

Unleash Your Positive Possibilities in 2022: Where it Starts

I am sitting in Barnes and Noble at a small, round table by the Starbucks. With pen in hand, and a decaf latte and maple scone to satisfy me, I write a letter to myself in my journal. It’s a reflection of how I’ve done in this past year of my life. I just let it flow, whatever comes to mind goes down on the page. I ask myself questions like:

·       What am I proud of accomplishing or for just being me?

·       What do I want to celebrate about me?

·       What good things have happened?

·       What has challenged me?

·       What ways have I grown or changed that please me? (Even a little, beginnings count for lots)

·       What has delighted me and brought me or others joy?

·       What do I want to work on in my next year?

You get the picture. We are the manager of our lives. Just like companies take stock of their progress in a year to set meaningful goals for the next, we too can take stock to consciously direct our lives. And it begins with reflection.

You don’t have to write it on paper if that doesn’t feel comfortable to you. Reflect on some of these questions as you’re driving to work, showering, or exercising. I don’t actually reflect on each individual question, but a combo of the ones that speak to me. This year I celebrated my growth in its small, subtle ways and the positive actions I took to care for myself on mental, emotional, spiritual and physical levels.

Just to give you an idea of some of the areas I discovered in this process: After training as a coach, I’m a much better listener, not interjecting stories about me, and not telling others how to solve their problems; Less judgment of others, less judgment of myself; I feel shame when I’m a novice in a group of more skilled others (that goes!), I’ve become a supportive mother-in-law and mother by trusting the kids know what they want and not interjecting my unasked for opinions. Yay me!!!

This process is deeply gratifying. We all have our negative self-talk voice that can undermine all the good we do and the ways we are growing. By reflecting, we get to see all the good we’ve done and ways we’ve grown that we may not have consciously noticed. Which leads to…

Envisioning: A First Step in Making Dreams a Reality

“Whatever your mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.”

— Napoleon Hill

The beauty of reflecting on where we’ve been in the past year is it helps us choose where we want to go in the next. Whenever its someone’s birthday I say, “Wishing you your best year yet!” Isn’t that what we want for 2022?

So many of us set goals for the new year that we know we won’t follow through on. “I’m going to lose 10 pounds. I’m going to exercise every day. I’m going to be more positive.”

I’m a great fan of goals, I’m one of those goal-oriented people. And I know accomplishing goals involves focus, breaking the goal down into steps and a structure, and then developing routines and tracking our efforts to build the new behavior into our life. Whew! That takes a lot of energy and focus! Not all of us have the time or free mental space to do that (like now when we have Omicron to contend with.)

But here’s something heartening I’ve noticed—just by voicing our dream or goal to ourselves on paper or even while driving in the car, or to a trusted other person, the process of making our dreams a reality begins.

Around New Year’s I reflect on how I want to grow or move forward in my life at this new starting point. It’s really helpful that I took the time to reflect on my struggles and accomplishments in this present year. It’s like reading up on your next vacation spot. You have lots of info about the area of YOU to decide what you want to do and enjoy in your new year’s travels of living your best life.

As I said earlier, I’m a journal girl. So I make set down my dreams in the pages of my journal. And when I look back on my goals for 2021 it amazes me how many of them became my reality, even when I didn’t work consciously at the goal process!

Here’s why. “The thoughts we think literally become the “things” and events of our life,” Michael Dooley says in his inspiring book, Infinite Possibilities. He goes on to say, “It’s your imagination, beliefs, and expectations that draw you into the action, circumstances, and coincidences that make dream manifestation inevitable.”

So I say to you, give voice in writing or speaking to your dreams and goals for 2022, as an important first step in bringing forward your dearest wants and hopes in the new year!

Your Takeaways

1.     Take time to reflect on your highlights and lowlights of 2021. Free flow with the purpose of discovering your growth, what gave you satisfaction and joy, and what you want to work on for 2022.

2.     Several days later (before the end of week one in January) identify goals for various aspects of your life. Writing is a powerful tool for imprinting your dreams on your conscious and higher mind.

And know I am available as a life coach to help you gain clarity, overcome blocks and unleash your positive possibilities in 2022! Contact me for a free 30 minute introductory session at gail@uppcoach.com. Check out my website: https://www.uppcoach.com/

Thanks for being a loyal reader. Wishing you a very healthy and fabulous 2022!

The Affirming Way of Life can help you start your new year with a positive mindset to accomplish all you dream of! Available at Amazon.

A Holiday Gift for Ourselves – 4 Tips

The beginning of this article isn’t going to sound very “holidayish”, but I promise as you read on, you’ll see the connection and its relevance to you, so hang in there with me.

This topic came to me recently because of a new challenge (marketing my second career) that feels daunting. I bought books on entrepreneurship, took a course on marketing, but still no clear direction has emerged. So, what do I do? I seek encouragement.

Walking with my friend Jere in Princeton, I spill out my feelings of inadequacy. “I was a teacher all my life. I’m not a salesperson. I’m retired. Other people in my course seem to have gotten farther (the old comparison voice is still with me.) Even though I have a strategy I’m not comfortable with it.”

“It’s understandable, Gail. You just need to find the right support to help you take effective action. You did it with your book, which shows you can do it with this new challenge. I’m so impressed with you with all you’ve done. You can do this!” I have other versions of this conversation with my sister, my husband and a handful of close friends.

I am drawn to motivational quotes and write them on notecards that stare up at me from my beside table or hang from the windows behind my writing desk. Each day I read them for an infusion of self-belief.

“If you are positive you’ll see opportunities instead of obstacles.” Confucius

“Measure your worth by your dedication to your path – not success or failure.”  Elizabeth Gilbert

“The credit belongs to the (wo)man who is actually in the arena…who strives valiantly.” Theodore Roosevelt

In the evening when I watch TV with my husband Gus, I jot down inspiration from interviews with people who’ve been challenged and succeeded.

I’ll just say it. I struggle with faith in myself. When it comes to working on a challenge that I don’t feel a clear direction with, or presently have the skills to tackle, I need encouragement. I need support to believe I have what it takes to make my goal possible. You might ask, so what’s wrong with that?

It’s a Matter of Perspective

My perspective! When I recognize that I’m frequently seeking encouragement from the universe, I chastise myself. “I can’t believe you’re at this place again! I would have hoped with all the moral-boosting you did to write your book, you’d have faith in yourself for good!” My tone is that of a disappointed mother, and the feelings of shame make me cower in a corner of my foot.

“What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human.”

— Brene Brown

Shame is not a friend I like to hang out with, so once I clearly recognize her, I seek ways to let her go.  In my training as a coach, I guide clients to reframe, or look at their negative thinking from a more positive empowering perspective. Ah, yes Gail, let’s reframe the shame! Here’s my thought process:

Another way for me to look at seeking encouragement is that it’s actually a strength. It’s a positive attribute to build myself up when facing a challenge. And the frequency of my pursuit shows my passion, determination, and focus.

I honestly feel uplifted and more self-respect just saying those words.

Challenges Come in Many Forms and Packages

The December holidays are such a mixed bag. They can bring great joy and also lots of anxiety, sadness and loneliness. How about you? What challenges you at the holidays? Is it anxiety to please others or prepare perfectly for your family and friends? Does it bring up sadness or disappointment? Or are you like me and have a goal you’re working on and are judging yourself for where you’re at with it? Here’s my tips that I’ve drawn on to help me through my struggle and may be helpful to you, too.

Tips to Empower You During Challenges

1.     Recognize your inner judge voice when it shows up. Mine criticized me for needing encouraging words. The judge is in us all, but it’s not who we are.

2.     Once you recognize how you’ve judged yourself reframe the statement with another authentic, positive way to look at the part of you that you judged.

3.     It’s so empowering to me to remind myself that I’m human and much of what I feel that makes me feel shame others feel, too. Whatever I’m experiencing I’m not a defective person, or worse than others because of it. I love this from my book, The Affirming Way of life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good: “A big part of being human is to make mistakes, suffer, and feel inadequate—not just us but everyone. It helps to understand that countless people have critical voices in their heads.”

4.     Words can be so empowering. Seek supportive, encouraging words from family and friends for comfort, upliftment, motivation…whatever you need. Be open about your doubts and self-judgement with others you can count on to encourage you. Be aware of words that jump off a page and speak to you. Encouraging messages are there for us if we pay attention.

As my husband Gus wisely said when I shared this topic with him, “Just as food fuels our body, positive encouraging words fuel our souls.”

Wishing you inner kindness, appreciation of your humanity, and lots of love this holiday season!

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good  makes a wonderful holiday gift for anyone at any age you want to share the gift of positive words with.