Loving Laughter: Good for You, Good for Your Relationships

“
When humor exists love is not far behind.
”

— Michael Lewis

Recently I was in a workshop on Humor and Coaching, and I haven’t stopped thinking or talking about it all month! Of course, laughing feels good. When my husband Gus or son Theo, good naturedly tease me, I laugh and feel more alive in the moment. But I never thought of laughter as a beneficial habit. Who thinks of laughter as being valuable to our well-being like meditating, exercise, or a good night’s sleep?

Not only does laughter feel good, but it also supports us in the most fundamental of ways: our health, our mindset, and our relationships. Kind of like a vitamin or a pill, but without any negative side effects—laughter releases “happy hormones.” Maybe you’ve heard of some of them, but do you understand how important they are to counteract our “stress hormones” and function more fully?

Getting to Know the Goodies and the Baddies

The Baddies first:

Stress hormones (cortisol, adrenaline, norepinephrine) exist to help us. They alert us to danger (or cause for worry) by increasing our heart rate and blood pressure. Unfortunately, because so much of life is filled with moments of anxiety and stress, especially now since the pandemic, those hormones can constantly flood our bodies. The result? Disrupted sleep, anxiety and depression, memory impairment, heart disease and more.

The Goodies or “Happy Hormones” to the Rescue:

The great news is our bodies are so amazingly designed that we have more good hormones to counteract the baddies.

Dopamine or the feel-good hormone is the one that supports our memory, learning, focusing, and expanded thinking for problem solving. It enables us to see a situation in a new light.

Serotonin or the happy hormone is also known as the mood stabilizer. It can help us with healthy sleep patterns and mood boosting as well as other physical functions.

Oxytocin or the love hormone is present in our bodies during childbirth, breastfeeding, and parent-child bonding. It helps promote trust, empathy, and bonding in relationships. Its also increases with physical affection, kissing, cuddling and sex.

Endorphins or the pain relievers are also known as the runner’s high hormone. Endorphins increase when we’re having a pleasurable experience such as, a good work out, doing a creative rewarding project, eating, or having sex.

And the delight is, laughing, a chuckle, or a deep belly laugh, releases all the good hormones!

Uplifting Laughter

The great news is—laughter is free medicine! It’s available to us anytime of day, any day of the week, whether we’re alone or with others. It’s a way of looking at life. Looking for what’s fun, silly, surprising, unexpected, ridiculous, quirky and letting loose with a smile and a belly laugh.

“Look for opportunities to be delighted rather than disappointed,” say Stanford University School of Business professors Jennifer Aaker and Naomi Bagdonas in their TedTalk, “Why Great Leaders Take Humor Seriously.”

Their advice makes me think of my friend Helaine. In the winter she slipped on her doorstep and broke her lower back. She was in severe pain for two months before she had surgery and has now been in rehab and extended care for three months. She is in a wheelchair and has not yet regained her mobility. A very frustrating situation for my active friend. A couple of days ago I called to check on her.

“How are you, Helaine?”

“Well, I haven’t had PT (Physical Therapy) all week,” she said matter of factly.

“That’s awful. Did you speak up about it?”

“Yes. I got in my wheelchair and went to speak to the director. I told him my story and he said, ‘Helaine, I know. We’re so short staffed. There’s nothing I can do about it.’”

“Did you get upset?”

“No. We both just laughed.”

I was blown away. That’s not like my friend to see the humor in a frustrating situation. “You laughed? How wonderful!” Seeing the humor in the ridiculousness of these pandemic times where there just aren’t people to work, enabled her to keep her calm and creatively problem solve. She decided it was time to go home, where she could get the services she needed. Humor gave her mental distance to shift her perspective and uplift her mindset.

Be Intentional with Humor

Anatomy of an Illness by Norman Cousins is an impactful book about the benefits of intentional humor. When Cousins discovered he had an irreversible connective tissue disease he created a unique healing approach to extend his life. He would watch comedy shows that were side-splitting funny for 10 minutes at a time. He found deep belly laughs gave him two hours pain free. He went on to create laughter therapy which enabled him to live twenty years beyond his doctor’s prognosis.

Knowing how good laughter and humor is for our well-being, how do we intentionally bring it into our day-to-day lives? I asked myself that question and came up with this list of laughing opportunities:

o   Playfulness: I’m open to others being playful with me and joking about the quirky things I say and do (especially my husband and son.) As Relationship expert John Gottman says in his book, The Relationship Cure, when we approach our significant others with good humor, we have a full supply of goodwill and affection handy during disagreements. This of course applies to any relationship.

o   Laughing at myself, like when things don’t go as planned.

o   Looking with eyes of appreciation for the silliness or quirkiness of the people I interact with.

o   Joining in with others’ belly laughs. Laughter is contagious.

o   The comical on TV or in books: especially late-night TV hosts; shows like Mrs. Maisel, The Gilmore Girls, Grace and Frankie.

What’s funny to you?

As Aaker and Bagdonas say, “Laughing is like exercising, meditating, and having sex at the same time!”

Why not make humor a part of your healthy lifestyle?

Looking for more humor in your life? I’m offering a free one-hour coaching session any time in the month of May. One of the side benefits may be more laughter! Contact me at gail@uppcoach.com

Spring: Start Something New

I am taking a class that I never aspired to or dreamed of: flamenco dancing! As I was flipping through classes offered at Princeton Arts Council, I was mesmerized by a photo of women in long skirts with layers of ruffles, black dancing shoes, and clapping hands. Honestly, I was unfamiliar with flamenco. But I love dancing. Intrigued, I investigated further on YouTube. I discovered flamenco is all about intricate hand movements, emphatic shoe tapping, dramatic clapping, and graceful skirt shifting. So, me!

Hesitantly, I reached out to the instructor. She invited me to join in a free session. If I was interested, I’d be part of a class of women who’d been practicing flamenco since September. How would I keep up? Was this just a whim? Would it be worth making the investment in the clothing?

The longer days, flowers blooming, inviting sunshine—swept me up! After all its spring!

Spring is a Time for New Beginnings

Just like the new year, spring is a time of new beginnings. We see it in nature all around us—the bright daffodils, pink magnolia blossoms, the yellow forsythias exploding on their stems. It’s an opportunity for us too, to grow and try something new.  I hadn’t realized the convergence of my new class and spring until my friend Lynnie made the association.

For so many of us, our lives are the same day in and day out. We do our work. We have our routines. We watch our TV shows. And world news frightens and overwhelms us.

And don’t we all yearn for something more? Maybe it’s building a new habit: yoga, daily walking, meditation, golf, tennis, eating healthy, working out at the gym, reading a book. Maybe it’s about relationships—finding your just right person, keeping closer with friends and loved ones, enjoying more fun, quality time with your kids, joining a meetup group with others who enjoy your hobby. Maybe it’s a project that’s been on the backburner: creating a garden, painting a room, reorganizing a closet, taking that trip you’ve dreamed of. Or maybe it’s expressing yourself creatively: writing your dreamed of book, taking an art class, singing lessons, or dance; learning a new language, enrolling in a cooking class.

Why not go for your something more?

We Hold Ourselves Back

That’s right! We get in our own way from springing forward and acting on our dreams. Oh, there can be so many reasons. Time, money, faith in ourselves, feeling lacking in ability. But I would say the biggie is the stories we tell ourselves. Our minds tend to go towards negative previous experiences when we consider doing something new.

One coaching client of mine wanted to develop healthier eating and exercise habits. She said, “That’s going to be hard because I never follow through.”

 I know that never doesn’t exist. It’s our self-disappointments overshadowing our successes. So I asked, “Can you think of a time you did follow through on something that mattered to you?”

In about 5 seconds she responded, “Well, I did cycle from the World Trade Center to Washington DC as part of an effort to raise money for police officers’ families.”

“That sounds huge! Tell me about it.” She described all the training and preparation she had to do to cycle up to 60 miles/day. Accessing a positive empowering memory of herself following through to reach a goal, opened a small window of light. We began talking about how she might actually have what it takes to start building the healthy habits she craved.

I find it so exciting to recognize that it’s within our power to go beyond our negative self-stories. And one way is to remember times we have been successful. We realize we can unleash our positive possibilities when we voice our strengths and successes.

Spring Forward – Your Takeaways

1.      I’m seeing the process of beginning something wonderful and new like tending a garden. First we need to weed out the uninvited guests. Those negative things we say to ourselves that hold us back.

2.      Next, we choose the flowers we hope to bloom. Remembering what’s bloomed beautifully before is a starting point. That’s our previous successes related in any small way to our dreams and goals.

3.      Rich loamy soil gives us the foundation to support our new spring beauties.  We strengthen our soil by envisioning the person we wish to show up as: our identity. James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, and the person I call “the habit guru,” says our power in doing or learning something new is in focusing on who we wish to become, not what we want to achieve.

For me, my identity as a flamenco dancer is, I am a person who does things she loves that are out of her comfort zone. And, I am a person who practices dance every day. (This is the part where I have to overcome past stories, and I will because I’m writing to you about it!)

My client who wants to develop both healthy exercise and eating habits says the identity she wants to develop is, I am a person who makes my health a priority.  

Some Inspiration from This Is Us

My husband Gus and I are huge This Is Us fans. In a recent episode, the mother, Rebecca, sat down at a table in their family getaway cabin with her three 40-year-old children. With early-onset Alzheimer’s she implored them to live boldly. “Take risks, make the big moves, even if they’re small moves. Forge ahead with your lives in any and every direction that moves you. I’m asking you to be FEARLESS. And if that sounds like a tall order it is. And the only acceptable response is, ‘Yes, ma’am.’”

WOW!

So, I say to you, the same thing. It’s spring, an opportunity for a new beginning that will give life to your life. Why not take a risk, big or small? You have it in you to be FEARLESS!

Gail is the award-winning author of The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, a speaker, and life coach. She is happy to offer you a free 1-hour introductory coaching session to help you make a move and spring forward on a dream/goal. Contact her at gail@uppcoach.com Check out her website for more info at www.uppcoach.com 

You can order Gail’s book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good at Amazon. It’s a great way to support yourself in living with heart fearlessly.

A Holiday Gift for Ourselves – 4 Tips

The beginning of this article isn’t going to sound very “holidayish”, but I promise as you read on, you’ll see the connection and its relevance to you, so hang in there with me.

This topic came to me recently because of a new challenge (marketing my second career) that feels daunting. I bought books on entrepreneurship, took a course on marketing, but still no clear direction has emerged. So, what do I do? I seek encouragement.

Walking with my friend Jere in Princeton, I spill out my feelings of inadequacy. “I was a teacher all my life. I’m not a salesperson. I’m retired. Other people in my course seem to have gotten farther (the old comparison voice is still with me.) Even though I have a strategy I’m not comfortable with it.”

“It’s understandable, Gail. You just need to find the right support to help you take effective action. You did it with your book, which shows you can do it with this new challenge. I’m so impressed with you with all you’ve done. You can do this!” I have other versions of this conversation with my sister, my husband and a handful of close friends.

I am drawn to motivational quotes and write them on notecards that stare up at me from my beside table or hang from the windows behind my writing desk. Each day I read them for an infusion of self-belief.

“If you are positive you’ll see opportunities instead of obstacles.” Confucius

“Measure your worth by your dedication to your path – not success or failure.”  Elizabeth Gilbert

“The credit belongs to the (wo)man who is actually in the arena…who strives valiantly.” Theodore Roosevelt

In the evening when I watch TV with my husband Gus, I jot down inspiration from interviews with people who’ve been challenged and succeeded.

I’ll just say it. I struggle with faith in myself. When it comes to working on a challenge that I don’t feel a clear direction with, or presently have the skills to tackle, I need encouragement. I need support to believe I have what it takes to make my goal possible. You might ask, so what’s wrong with that?

It’s a Matter of Perspective

My perspective! When I recognize that I’m frequently seeking encouragement from the universe, I chastise myself. “I can’t believe you’re at this place again! I would have hoped with all the moral-boosting you did to write your book, you’d have faith in yourself for good!” My tone is that of a disappointed mother, and the feelings of shame make me cower in a corner of my foot.

“What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human.”

— Brene Brown

Shame is not a friend I like to hang out with, so once I clearly recognize her, I seek ways to let her go.  In my training as a coach, I guide clients to reframe, or look at their negative thinking from a more positive empowering perspective. Ah, yes Gail, let’s reframe the shame! Here’s my thought process:

Another way for me to look at seeking encouragement is that it’s actually a strength. It’s a positive attribute to build myself up when facing a challenge. And the frequency of my pursuit shows my passion, determination, and focus.

I honestly feel uplifted and more self-respect just saying those words.

Challenges Come in Many Forms and Packages

The December holidays are such a mixed bag. They can bring great joy and also lots of anxiety, sadness and loneliness. How about you? What challenges you at the holidays? Is it anxiety to please others or prepare perfectly for your family and friends? Does it bring up sadness or disappointment? Or are you like me and have a goal you’re working on and are judging yourself for where you’re at with it? Here’s my tips that I’ve drawn on to help me through my struggle and may be helpful to you, too.

Tips to Empower You During Challenges

1.     Recognize your inner judge voice when it shows up. Mine criticized me for needing encouraging words. The judge is in us all, but it’s not who we are.

2.     Once you recognize how you’ve judged yourself reframe the statement with another authentic, positive way to look at the part of you that you judged.

3.     It’s so empowering to me to remind myself that I’m human and much of what I feel that makes me feel shame others feel, too. Whatever I’m experiencing I’m not a defective person, or worse than others because of it. I love this from my book, The Affirming Way of life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good: “A big part of being human is to make mistakes, suffer, and feel inadequate—not just us but everyone. It helps to understand that countless people have critical voices in their heads.”

4.     Words can be so empowering. Seek supportive, encouraging words from family and friends for comfort, upliftment, motivation…whatever you need. Be open about your doubts and self-judgement with others you can count on to encourage you. Be aware of words that jump off a page and speak to you. Encouraging messages are there for us if we pay attention.

As my husband Gus wisely said when I shared this topic with him, “Just as food fuels our body, positive encouraging words fuel our souls.”

Wishing you inner kindness, appreciation of your humanity, and lots of love this holiday season!

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good  makes a wonderful holiday gift for anyone at any age you want to share the gift of positive words with.