Seeing The Bigger Picture: How to Access it When You Mess Up

Can you think back to a time when you messed up bad on something that you committed a lot of time and care to? Something really important to you.

Well, I recently messed up big time and I’m hoping my story will give you the gift it gave me. My mess up has to do with myself alone, and yours may even have to do with other people, but the wisdom to be had applies either way.  

I forgot to meditate! Big deal you might say. But I forgot to meditate after meditating for 1195 days in a row! That’s 3 and 1/3 years in a row! It might not sound earth shattering in the big picture of life, but my back story will show you why it means so much to me.

I had meditated frustratedly on and off over the past 40 years never with any consistency. It was using the Insight Timer Meditation app that supported me in building my habit. The Timer tracks our daily meditation. For every 10 days in a row, you get a star. The teacher in me loves the stars (I’m being honest), and the competitive part of me saw that many other meditators on the app were consistent, so I was going to be consistent, too! Before this mess up, I had meditated 230 days in a row and missed it at the stroke of 12:01 AM on vacation! I was determined to never let that happen again. And I didn’t for 3 and ½ years till…NOW.

See the Big Picture

“Gus I’m in shock! I didn’t meditate yesterday!” I sinkingly announced staring at the #1 on top of my app meditation tracking screen.

“I’m so sorry, honey. I know how much your record means to you. What happened?”

“I guess I was so tired rushing to my 8:00 AM zoom meeting followed by coaching right afterwards, that it didn’t register that I hadn’t meditated.”

Ever the man of wisdom and perspective, Gus reminded me, “It’s more than the numbers. Think of all the good things you got meditating those 3 plus years.”

That was exactly what I needed to hear to shift out of my despair. God bless that husband of mine!

Though I felt the blame game bubbling to the surface, ready to blame myself …the zoom meeting group… my client, I stopped those useless feeling in their tracks. It’s OK Gailie. You’ve done your darndest to be consistent, I whispered to myself gently and empathically. Then I reflected on my husband’s brilliant, simple reminder: What’s most important here?

Though I’ve been so proud of my ever-growing consistent habit, it’s the benefits of the habit that matter most. When challenged with a major disappointment, meditation has supported me in not overreacting and speaking kindly to myself as I would to anyone else.

My calamity inspires me to shift to BIG PICTURE insight. Though my dear record is broken, I still have a continuing record of 1576 days and 180 stars to be proud of. Oh, the ways we’re prodded to think out of the box to feel better!

How about you? What have you messed up on lately? Something you said that caused a rift in a relationship? Some bad judgment on a decision? Not taking an action you wish you had? Here’s some takeaways to help you gain perspective to keep moving forward.

Your Takeaways

1.     Forgive yourself for messing up and being human. When we do something that disappoints ourselves or another person, the first step that’s key is to forgive. To err is human. Judgment and blame zap our energy from taking a next positive step.

2.     Speak with empathy and kindness to yourself. We have a continuous inner dialogue going on. The way we speak to ourselves impacts if we spiral out of control with negativity or stop the disappointment in its tracks. Speak to yourself  with the kindness and comfort you would give a child or your dearest loved one.

3.     Reframe negative thoughts about your mess-up. This is a coaching perspective. When our negative feelings begin to spiral, we tend to develop black and white thinking. It’s all bad. That is viewing your situation from a limited perspective. A reframe is seeing the positive that exists amidst the disappointment or challenge. In my case I reframed the thought, I ruined my meditating record, to I still have the daily habit and I know I have a total of 1576 days and counting.

4.     See the big picture. When you recognize a definite mess up, ask yourself what’s most important here? Or What matters most? Or What can I learn from this situation? These questions help us shift from our emotions to our higher self-perspective, where our wisdom lies. Seeing the bigger picture enables us to look  to the future and see the possibilities to take positive action.

5.     Make amends. If your mess-up involved another person, once you’ve gotten perspective on your part in causing the hurt or misunderstanding, take responsibility, own what you did, and if appropriate say you’re sorry.

Each of these steps are about moving forward in a positive direction.

What better support to see the bigger picture than The Serenity Prayer.

“God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.”

Would you like some help seeing the bigger perspective? Contact me for a free 1-hour coaching session to help you begin the process of accepting mess-ups and your humanity. gail@uppcoach.com That stands for Unleash Your Positive Possibilities. Check out my website as well, www.uppcoach.com

Seeing the Sea: What it Means to You and Me

So many of us flock to the ocean in the summer. What do you think about when you look out at the ocean? Cooling off? Relaxation? A summer state of mind? How does being by the ocean impact you?

I pondered just that, when my sister Lois and I had a precious beach getaway in Spring Lake. On a warm and windy June day, we sat peacefully in our beach chairs staring out at the endless expanse of ocean. “When you gaze at the ocean what does it make you think about?” I asked Lois.

“For me, it’s no limits to good energy and good possibilities. The ocean goes in and goes out. The more good you give the more good that comes back to you.” I saw a sense of peacefulness set in as my sweet sister reflected.

“Hmmm,” I contemplated her thoughts. “It makes me think of going beyond limits. Expanding our mind, heart, and beliefs to be open to one another and our own greater possibilities.”

We each saw limitlessness and positive possibilities. Just describing the oceans’ gifts to us made us feel blessed, grateful and oh so peaceful.

When I was home I asked the same question of some friends. Lynnie who ocean gazes at the Pacific said, “Land, sea and sky unite. What I’m looking at is being looked at by millions. I feel part of the community of humanity.” Jere said, “I see all possibilities from calm to stormy. I see the sparkle and beauty of the surface but what’s below is a mystery.”

Pondering the majesty of the ocean transported each of us. My curiosity was piqued. I wondered what science and psychologists had to say about the impact of ocean gazing on us humans.

The Ocean’s Good for Us Mentally, Emotionally, Physically and Spiritually

No surprise, right? Here’s the facts that gave me an aha moment:

·       Staring at the ocean changes our brain waves’ frequency and put us in a meditative state. (No effort meditating!)

·       Proximity to water releases feel good hormones like dopamine and oxytocin. (No wonder we feel so relaxed and happy by the sea or any body of water.)

·       The sound of waves activates our parasympathetic nervous system which slows down the brain and promotes relaxation. (A triple dose of inner calm!)

·       The color blue is associated with feelings of calm and peace. (Ahhhh)

·       Sitting by the ocean is a break from work and activity. It gives us time to contemplate (as me and my dear ones did) and start looking at life from a larger more positive perspective.

I hope I’ve inspired you to make time to do some ocean gazing.  It can make you feel more relaxed and enlivened on every level of your being and help you put things in perspective. Wishing you a great rest of your summer!

Want to make the ocean-state-of-mind your everyday reality? Contact me for a free September coaching session to explore how. gail@uppcoach.com Check out my website for more info on coaching www.uppcoach.com

The Value of Deep Listening: 5 Tips to Hone Your Skills

Recently I attended the funeral of a dear man from my writing group. I knew Bob as someone who was passionate about specific moments in history. His most recent book about the Revolutionary War, would amaze us with the voices of young minutemen recounting battles from their hospital beds. I also experienced Bob as kindhearted, but it was his grandson’s eulogy that was a revelation.

Standing at a podium in his gray suit and studious looking glasses, the young man said, “I have such fond memories of tinkering with my grandfather. Yet the thing about him that changed me the most, was the way he listened to me.”  Honestly, that statement alone took my breath away. I leaned in to listen more closely.

“When I was around 13 my grandfather started asking me what I wanted to do with my life. We’d be sitting outside his tool shed in the yard and he’d ask me questions. Then listen. I mean really listen. With his full attention. Then he’d probe what I was saying further. I felt so heard. I felt so cared for by him. And this wasn’t once, it was time and time again and again. The way my grandfather listened to me bonded us beyond words. And it made me the person I am today.”

Wow, I thought. What a grandfather Bob was, and what a testament to the value of deeply listening.

Why Become Aware of the Gift of Listening

Just like humor that I wrote about last month, listening is something we do as naturally as breathing. We’re human. People speak words to us, our ears hear the words, and our minds interpret them. But there’s something more. It’s also hearing with our hearts that matters. As the story of Bob and his grandson shows, listening fully to the people we care about can actually be life changing.

All of us just want to be heard. When someone listens to us with their full attention, we feel cared for and validated. Who of us doesn’t want that? It makes us feel recognized. It gives us the message that our thoughts matter. That we matter.

As with Bob’s grandson, talking through one’s dreams, concerns, issues, plans and more, helps the speaker gain clarity and direction. And what’s more, its bonding. The people in our life who deeply listen to us without judgment, with an open heart, are the people we trust and want to spend time with. So how do we become that kind of listener?

How to Listen Deeply

1.     Listen to understand, not fix.

Training as a life coach has helped me tremendously to hone my skills as a listener. The very first thing we learned was not to be a “fixer.” What that means is that when other people unload their thoughts and feelings to us about something they’re having difficulty with they don’t want us to give them a solution. Most of us assume when someone shares a problem with us our role is to give them a solution. NO! As one of my clients clearly stated about what she wanted when she was speaking to her husband, “I just want him to listen and show me that he understands what I’m feeling. He is telling me solutions. I don’t want solutions, I want to be heard.”

2.     Empathize, summarize or paraphrase what they said to show you understand.

As my client said, she just really wanted to know her husband understood her feelings. Something like, “I can understand why you’re feeling so stressed out.” Or paraphrasing like, “So you’re saying since your coworker got another job, you’ve been doing double duty and it’s just too much.” We all deal with so much in a day. Having someone hear and understand us is like peeling off a twenty-pound backpack.

3.     Don’t hijack the conversation.

Do you ever tell someone about something going on in your life and then it becomes about them? Instead of listening to you, they spin out a whole story of how something similar happened to them. That’s hijacking the conversation. Stop yourself in your tracks if you see your own hijack bubbling to the surface!

4.     Give your full nonjudgmental attention

This means looking into the other’s eyes or face and returning your focus to them each time it drifts. It’s about listening without interrupting.  Giving your full attention activates your heart and intuition to understand the other person’s feelings, thoughts, and experience. Again, isn’t that what we want from others?

5.     Be curious, ask questions to learn more.

What people really want is to come to their own answers. Each of us have the deep inner knowing of what is true for us and what are our next steps. We just need help accessing it. When we listen to someone trusting that they have their own answers, we will be curious to learn more. By asking questions as Bob did with his grandson, we help the other person uncover their own next steps. Deep listening is empowering for the speaker. And we can gain so much understanding of them and ourselves in the process. Most of what any of us struggle with is universal.

We have opportunities to listen throughout every day. Practice and intention enable us to grow and improve. Why not choose to begin improving with one of these listening skills!

Connect with me! I am available as a speaker and coach. Do you have some issues you’d like greater clarity on so you can take action? I offer a free 1-hour introductory coaching session. Check out my website www.uppcoach.com or email me at gail@uppcoach.com