Reset, Rethink, Regather

For days I had called BJ’s to see if their shipment for Fiji water was in. I had made two trips for naught, and a manager kindly suggested I call rather than make another wasted trip.

“They’re in,” said Meghan. “How many cases would you like me to pull for you?”

“Three would be great. You’re a darling!” I effused.

In the store, with my three cases of precious alkaline water (recommended by the Ayurvedic practitioner helping me to heal digestive issues) I asked Meghan one more favor.

“Could you please find someone to help me put the Fiji water cases into my car.”

“Sure no problem. There he is. Anthony, please help this lady get her purchases to the car.”

What a delightful surprise I received at 8:45 AM.

“Good morning Miss! And how are you on this blessed day?” he asked. His whole face smiled, even though partially covered by his light blue paper mask.

“How beautiful it is to be greeted with such positivity so early in the morning!”

“Well, it’s TGIF and as long as I am here and can work it’s a great day.”

Wow, I thought, such a precious young man he is. I want to let him know that his good energy is a gift to others.

As we walked together to my car I asked, “Anthony, how did you get to become such a positive person?”

“Well it’s just my spirit I’d say.”

“Tell me more about the influences in your life,” (I was using my newly learned coaching skills.)

“Well. I had no father and was raised by my mother. She taught my brother and me that if we work hard and always be the best person we can be things will work out.”

“Tell me your visions for your life,” I say.  In our brief connection, I wanted to support this young man in fulfilling his dreams.

“My brother and I are starting small selling our own home cooked chicken. McDonald’s started small and look where they are now,” he said exuberantly. “When I get discouraged I just say to myself, RESET, RETHINK, REGATHER.”

“Wow! That’s such a positive phrase, tell me more.”

“I reset my mind on my dream, I rethink what I need to do to get there, and I regather my energy to keep moving forward.”

“Anthony what a positive mindset you have! With your vision and heart I can see you fulfilling your dream. For your help and inspiring tip, I’d love to give you a tip.”

We each left touched.

Anthony’s Tip in Action

I’m writing this blog with immediacy. Anthony’s mantra is a great way to refocus ourselves when our spirits are down. RESET, RETHINK, REGATHER.

I went home and wrote those 3 R’s on a notecard and pinned it on a drape by my writing desk to absorb into my psyche. A new tool for my mental toolbox.

Here’s a way I used Anthony’s 3 R’s a couple of days later.

Listening to a coaching video on YouTube, I learned that it’s best to differentiate a niche or specialty for the services you offer. That’s so tricky! My specialty is in helping others connect in their relationships more deeply, as I wrote about in my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good. But as a friend pointed out, calling myself a relationship coach sounds like I’m a marital coach. Not the limitation I want. Darn! Unwanted adrenalin pumped in my stomach and my heart fluttered disturbingly. My trigger, an overwhelm response, kicked in, but….thanks to Anthony’s mantra I regathered myself.

Ok, Gail. Reset your thoughts on the big picture that you will be helping people with the wonderful coaching skills you’re learning. You can rethink your niche by doing research on the many coaching specialties there are and find what seems to be a good match with your skills and expertise.

Breathe in…breathe out.

Ahhhhh, I feel so much better. The pause to reset my attention on what mattered and what I could do, was just what I needed to regather my positive, forward moving energy.

Your Takeaways

• Being mindful of our emotions creates an opportunity for us to regather our energy and focus it positively.

• Having a mantra whether it be Anthony’s reset, rethink, regather or your own favorite, is a useful tool for shifting our mind frame and our emotions.

• Hanging a notecard with your mind-shifting mantra where you will see it often will help you internalize it so it’s right there in your thoughts when you need it.

Isn’t it exciting to recognize we have the power to manage our thoughts and feelings!

If you enjoyed this blog, my book The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, expands upon how to bring positivity to our relationships and life. It’s available at Amazon.

And why not become a blog subscriber? Fill in your name and email at the end of the page and my blog will be delivered to you every two weeks.

Self-Observation: A Gift and Friend

I stood staring at the efforts of my husband in awe. Finally after living in our home for seventeen years he has renovated our eye-sore of a laundry room. It looks magnificent. The faded beige walls with metal anchors still in the wall from previous owners, are now spackled and a cheery yellow. The rusted white shelves sprawling with our laundry room chachkas are now organized white cabinets. The splotched plastic sink is now a vanity. I feel so fulfilled seeing my laundry room’s transformation. But here’s what follows my pleasure thoughts. Why did it take us so long to do this!

Then my thoughts go to this. My niece and her husband moved into an exceptional house in move-in condition and immediately took actions to make it theirs. We are such slow movers on projects.

Ooh! I hate seeing my old habit resurfacing—comparing myself to others. As much as I’m better at setting my own standard, comparing still shows up.

Maybe I should be happy about it.

The Gift of Self-Observation

In my last blog I observed myself sparring with my husband, Gus. By reflecting on my observation I decided not to challenge his statements in an accusatory way. I’m only beginning to change my habit, but here’s how I know I’m making progress: he made a statement last night and then asked, “How come you didn’t say, ‘How do you know that?’ Proud of myself!  

Self-observation is such a powerful tool. It means admitting you are a work in progress. Aren’t we all? I feel as long as I’m alive it’s an opportunity to grow in insights, inner peace, and opening my heart to love fully.

Self-observation is detective work. We notice something we think, say or do and check how it makes us feel. If we feel shame or unhappy with the thought (in my comparing case), it’s an opportunity to make a change—a change founded on kindness.

Working With Your Insights

How human it is to be flawed, to have areas to improve in. Rather than feel bad about ourselves when we notice a habit or behavior we don’t like, an empowered way to handle it is to praise our self for recognizing it. Then look for what you want to and can do with it.

• Self-praise for recognizing my not-so-positive habit . I’m proud of you for catching the comparing! Comparing isn’t all bad. We live in a world amongst others to learn from each other. When you notice others behaviors it can inspire you. If it makes you feel bad, you have the power to catch yourself and STOP.

• What do I want to do with my recognition that Gus and I are slow movers? Accept it. We may be slow movers but we do eventually get things done. And we both possess so many other wonderful traits. Better.

• What can I do from here on out with my comparing habit? Be playful! I know it’s part of me. When I see it next, I think I‘ll greet it like a phone call that I don’t want to take. Oh, it’s you again. Sorry can’t talk.

We are so lucky as humans that we have the ability to be self-aware and that there are so many tools to help us change the way we respond to ourselves. Why not become an action-taking, self-observer!

My award-winning, paperback book is available at Amazon for $14.99 and the ebook for $7.99. If you haven’t already read it, it can help you connect with more love, acceptance and joy to yourself and all others.

I’m Confrontational – Are you?

It’s a beauuuutiful sunny day, in the mid 80’s, and I want to get outside and actively soak it up. Gus is comfortably stretched out on our worn, tan, leather couch watching CBS Sunday Morning when I pop the question.

“Want to go kayaking?”

I know Gus would mulch the entire yard in the blazing sun before he’d choose to go kayaking. “Is that a question? The answer is no.”

“Come on, it’s too nice out to watch TV. And our kayaks are gathering dust in the garage.”

Within 40 min we were on Mercer County Lake. That’s how Gus is. His no can quickly become a yes.

Slathered in sunscreen, equipped with caps, sunglasses, and life vests, we leisurely paddled enjoying the peaceful beauty.

“See those boats over there,” Gus said pointing to the line of small open vessels with high seats perched atop. “Those are coast guard boats.”

“How do you know?”

“Cause they look like a coast guard boat, and they’re gas powered.”

“Well, they’re anchored at the dock in front of the crew team’s boathouse. I’ve been on the lake when crew teams are practicing. A coach with a bullhorn directs them from these boats! (‘Hah!’)

“OK, maybe you’re right.”

We paddled on to a section of lake where spiky green cattails were all vying for a front seat by the water.

“That’s a sensitive wildlife area over there,” Gus said like the naturalist he’s not. I know nature’s a subject he’s not particularly interested in.

“How do you know?”

“Because there’s a sign in those weeds saying “Sensitive Wildlife Area.”

“I believe you now,” I said acquiescing to his win.

A Not so Pretty Realization

Win? What was I doing? Here my husband agreed to do something I love that he hates, and I was sparring with him. Sparring.

My self observations weren’t looking pretty.

The book I’m reading, Atomic Habits popped right into my head. My identity is rooted in all my good habits, but continuously calling Gus out on his statements was clearly a bad habit.

My husband is so tolerant of me, it made me sad to recognize how intolerant I can be of him. Thank God for honest self-reflection. Gus deserves better from me. I tucked my realization away to reflect on later.

I get excited when I recognize areas I need to grow in. We are all such a work in progress. I’m imperfect, Gus is imperfect, you and your loved ones are imperfect. The beauty of self-reflection is it gives us a chance to make things better. To live better.

A Plan for Being Better

Thank you dear reader for being there to read my blog. It’s because I wanted to share my realization with you, that I thought deeper on how I can change my way of communicating with my husband.  So I asked myself, how do I want to be with, Gus?

My answer was immediate: I want to be supportive, loving, kind, goofy (that’s me) and share happy moments. I want to create a flow of good energy in our relationship.

How can I do that? I pondered.

I can find a new way to respond when he talks like an authority.

I can say:

• Tell me more about that. Or

• That’s interesting, and acknowledge his thoughts. (I’m remembering Auggie’s teacher’s sage advice in the book Wonder, ‘If you have to choose between being right and kind, choose kind.’ That line always makes my heart swell. Now to live it!)

So I ask you, who do you have a bad habit with that you want to change?

Try These Takeaways

• Become the observer of your words and actions with this person.

• Identify what triggers you.

• Identify how you react.

• Ask yourself, how would I like to be in this relationship?

• Choose another way to respond and commit to doing that.

I’ll let you know how I do in the next blog, and please let me know how you do, too!

End note: When I decided to write a blog about this experience, I talked to Gus about it at a relaxed time over dinner.

“I notice I spar with you whenever you make statements of fact that are not your area of knowledge. How do you feel when I do that?”

“Undermined.”

“But you don’t respond defensively?”

“Why would I? It’s just part of you to be confrontational. (Confrontational? Me. Ewww. True. ) I’d be shocked if you weren’t,” he said good-naturedly with a twinkle in his eye. “95% of what we know we can’t document because we absorb so much from TV, news and life.”

I hadn’t considered that. Very enlightening.

If you like what you read here, check out my award-winning book available on Amazon that can help you have more fulfilling connections with everyone in your life:

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good

Available on Amazon