A Valentine Gift for You: A Relationship Tune-up

It’s February, and what better time than now to tune-up our relationships.

Do your eyes gloss over listening to your significant other (or any dear one)?

Do you sometimes think, same old, same old?

Does your relationship feel a little stale or boring?

If you said yes to any of the above, you can make this month the start of a relationship tune-up. And even if you had no resounding yeses, the ideas that follow can add unexpected joy, pleasure and closeness to your love connections.

Preoccupied and Stressed

I hear the garage door open and the sound of Gus’s leather shoes shuffling on our kitchen tile floor. “Uhh. Already?” I’m in the middle of writing this article at my computer desk, in my writing room, and don’t want to stop. “Hi Honey,” I shout out. I continue my writing for at least 15 minutes before I mosey out to begin dinner.

I’m preoccupied.

What message am I giving my husband? What I’m writing is more important than him. (I ask him how it makes him feel when I don’t come out to greet him. He says, “I’m used to it.” Hmmm.)

Gus stretches out to watch TV on the couch in our family room. I’m feeling frustrated that I didn’t write as much as I’d hoped to. I gaze at him and think, “Always watching TV! Can’t he find something else to do?”

My own negative feelings are spilling over to the way I view my husband.

When I sit down to talk with Gus, he’s unresponsive, just staring at the TV. “Honey, is anything wrong?”

“I’m tired. I’m not in the mood to talk now.”

He’s stressed. Unresolved work issues and complications dominate his thoughts. And I did ignore him!  (It took me many years to not take his being uncommunicative personally.)

We get so caught up in our outside world we forget about our inside world – our heart, our connection with our loved ones.

Make Your Loved One a Priority

We all ignore our loved ones at times, and even though our goals, tasks and projects can consume us, here’s a little reminder I ask myself that may help you: What would my life be without my husband? (You can substitute son, daughter, sibling, friend… you get the picture.)

I’ve developed a practice that reminds me how precious my husband is. I thank God for him daily. Gratitude. Sometime in the day, (often as I walk up the stairs), I think of all the good he brings into my life, our son Theo’s, and that of our daughter-in-law Sarah. The same things come to mind, yet new things crop up, too.

I am intentional about valuing my husband, regardless of passing feelings of sameness, or other pressing thoughts.

But of course, what is valuing another without showing and telling them?

Four Tips to Spark the Love in Your Life

1.     Say thank you every day. Take a moment to appreciate whatever your loved one has done for you and let them know in an extended thank you, how much what they’ve done means to you. The littlest thing like ‘takes out the garbage,’ expressed sincerely makes your loved one feel valued. I don’t usually thank Gus for taking out the garbage which he has been doing for 32 years. Today I did, though. “Thanks, honey, for braving the cold to get our garbage out on time. I so appreciate that you do that, and I don’t have to.” Gus gave me a tighter hug this morning before he left for work. I smiled inside.

·       Gus and I both say thank you often. It creates an atmosphere of respect and appreciation that feels good.

2.     Share something you love, admire or appreciate about your loved one daily. It’s about putting good energy into your relationship, intentionally. I’m thinking of our cars. If we didn’t fill them with gas, they’d be stationary and wouldn’t take us anywhere. Affirming our loved ones daily is keeping our relationship tanks full so our relationships keep moving in a satisfying forward direction.

·       When I pause to appreciate my husband (or any loved one) it’s in the small details of life that I find what I love and the words to say it: “I love that you do what you say you’ll do.” “I love the way you appreciate whatever I make you for dinner.” “I love the way you make me feel.” “I love the way you see the best in me even when I don’t.” “I appreciate the way you tolerate my idiosyncrasies and make jokes about them.”

·       One of the gifts of affirming my husband daily, is that he’s more affirming of me, too. The good energy flows back and forth.

3.     Make rituals of connection – carve out time together. During a time in our relationships when Gus and I had drifted apart, we sat down and brainstormed the things we both enjoyed so we could reconnect. Then we began putting those dates on our calendar. The more fun things we did the more the good energy began flowing between us.

·       For us it was traveling, hiking, shows, movies, dinners with friends. How about you?

4.     Start a ritual of hugging at the start and end of your day. A full three breath hug and add a kiss in, too! I didn’t always do this. But since we started it definitely solidifies the care and pleasure of our relationship.

And Especially on Valentine’s Day

Gus says to tell you all, “Make a list (before V Day) of five things you love and appreciate about your sweetheart,” and tell them on Valentine’s Day. Right from my formerly not-an-affirmer husband!

Let this month be the start of intentionally cherishing your loved ones and creating the flowing love you seek!

Gail loves nothing more than speaking to groups about ways to improve their relationships and connections at home or work; how to develop a positive mindset; and how to create a balanced life you love. You can contact her for more information at gail@theaffirmingway.com.

Want individual help to make a transition or create more fulfillment in your life? Contact Gail for coaching at gail@uppcoach.com. And go to her website www.uppcoach.com to learn more and read reviews of her transformational support.

My Son is Getting Married! (A Mother’s Tender-Hearted Reflection)

Last night I dreamt I was embracing my sleeping two-year-old boy in my arms. I felt such serenity as I gazed down at his peaceful, sweet face. My baby is thirty, and in just three days he’ll be married! For weeks and months friends and family ask, “Are you excited?” Of course, I’m excited. But being actively engaged in wedding preparations and living, it took a dream to give me a full pause to take in this momentous occasion.

For years I prayed and envisioned Theo meeting his just right woman. Watching on as his older cousins married and had children, I wanted the same for our boy. He’d date girls for three to six months, but each was right for that moment-in-time only; there were no future possibilities. My mother-heart was heavy. Then, just before Covid-19 hit, he met Sarah on the dating website, Hinge. Boom! That was it. They’d found the love of their life! And my husband, Gus and I could feel it, too. Nine months after they met Sarah moved into Theo’s condo and they began making wedding plans. It’s so good and right, and… my baby’s getting married!

We get to experience the fullness of our emotions and joy when we take a pause. I thank you for sharing this pause with me. My hope is that it will connect you to your emotions to tenderly take in your own transitions.

Our kids getting married—one of the endless transitions we go through as parents and as humans. Our kid’s first step, first word, kindergarten, middle school, high school, drivers license, college, first job, career, marriage, home, children—and that’s just the common transitions.

Today I opened for the first time in a long time, a journal of letters I’ve been writing to Theo since he was born. When he was a baby, I’d write monthly. As he got older it was yearly. And now, it’s less frequently than that. In its pages are my heartfelt recordings of Theo’s momentous moments. I wrote it for him, but I can see it was for me, too. Each pause then and now enables me to savor the experience more fully of my boy at that moment of life.

He always adjusted to his transitions much better than I did. Here’s an entry a few days before move-in-day at Quinnipiac University August 27, 2010:

“I was getting a little emotional saying, ‘My boy isn’t going to be living home anymore’ and you responded, ‘Mom, I’m just doing what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s like when I went to kindergarten. The other kids were crying and clinging to their moms, but I was happy and had to help you to let me go. I’m ready to go now mom, and you’re going to be OK.’”

I’m just doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Out of the mouth of babes. Our children are our greatest teachers. It makes me think of what Kahlil Gibran says in “On Children” from his book, The Prophet.

Your children are not your children.

They come through you, but not from you

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

As my cousin Brenda said to cheer me up after I dropped Theo off at college, “You did your job as a mother well if your kid is ready to move onto the next stage of their life. Sending them off to live their own life is what it’s all about.”

I know my boy-man is ready to get married by the partner he is to Sarah. He puts her first and lavishes her with love and adoring teasing. He is his full Theo-self with her, just as he’s always been with Gus and me, making audacious, clever, frank statements that raise our spirits. That tells me volumes about their connection.  He and she know each other’s strengths and weaker points and embrace it all. They share living responsibilities on all levels and can talk through their different points of view. Most of all they love being together. My mom-heart is so happy my boy is marrying the love of his life.

Gus and I are ready to be the bows for Theo’s arrow. He’s been preparing us. Four years ago, our boy-man bought a condo and moved out. He calls me less. At times I miss the level of closeness we used to have, but with mother-love I rejoice he’s moving on to this next wonderful stage of his life. I’m grateful he’s brought Sarah into our family.  If she wasn’t becoming a daughter to us, I’d pick her as a friend.

Our son, our boy—is getting married!

Have you had similar feelings? I’d love to hear from you about your experiences and any wisdom you have to share.

Want some uplift? My book is available on Amazon.

Putting Heart into Your Celebrations

When it comes to birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions, most people celebrate with a meal and presents. But I’m wondering, how often do you tell the celebrant how much they mean to you? For most of us the answer is—never! Yet the value of expressing your heart can be more precious than a new computer or diamond earrings. Words from the heart enter the heart. They build our dear one’s sense of self and deepen our relationships

The Ritual

I give credit to my oldest, dearest friend, Lynnie for developing this ritual. Thirty years ago, over a birthday sushi dinner out, she said, “Before I give you your present, I want to celebrate who you are.” She then described qualities of mine she treasured and the joy and meaning my friendship brought into her life. I glowed. I was bowled over.  Her words made me feel that my presence in her world and the larger world—mattered, deeply. I felt enveloped in a magical moment.

Then she said, “Now I want to know your vision for your new year of life.” She gave me the opportunity to reflect on my goals and dreams, helping me to set a positive intention for my year.

It was such a powerful experience. More valuable than being treated to dinner and a gift, her focus on celebrating my life and caring about the way I moved forward in my new year touched my heart. And it was my joy to do the same for her when her birthday came around.

Lynnie and I eagerly anticipate our birthday ritual every year. She lives in California now, so we affirm and envision over FaceTime. Days before her birthday I begin thinking about what I appreciate, admire and value about her. Some traits come up year after year, yet there’s always something new. And the amazing thing is, I may even feel happier celebrating her than being celebrated. Here’s some convincing reasons (I think) to putting the heart into your birthday celebrations:

The Benefits

1.     Build Dear Ones Sense of Self: We all are just the way we are, until someone who notices a sterling trait in us is generous enough to tell us. Then we see it, too. Letting a dear one know what you value about them, builds their sense of self. Think of it. What would your life be like without the appreciative, sometimes admiring words of loved ones? (While I wrote my book and afterwards, part of Lynnie’s birthday affirmation was you are the most disciplined persevering person I know. Those words spur me on with my goals. I will tell you, there was a time in my life when that was the furthest from reality. Hearing my developing traits named helped cement them as part of my sense of self.)

2.     Strengthen Relationship Bonds: We assume others know how we feel. Maybe. But it is so confirming to hear someone tell you how much they value you! Our affirming words weave invisible threads between us and our dear ones. The other night, my husband Gus and I took out a friend for his 80th birthday. Over a toast to Jim I said, “You are our role model for youthful living. You live with such zest. We could never keep up with you bike riding. Your open-minded and open-hearted way of living makes us treasure your friendship!” The joy in his face was palpable and his email of appreciation emphasized how much my words meant. I can literally feel the stronger threads of our connection.

3.     Change Your Brain for the Better: This might excite you the most. Positive psychologists have found that our brains are wired to be negatively biased, meaning we tend to see what’s wrong with ourselves and others more than what’s right. But here’s the good news. Our brain structure is malleable. It can be changed.  Each time we savor a positive experience for 5-10 seconds, we shift our brain to be positively oriented. That means affirming another or being affirmed ourselves, contributes to making our brain and mindset more positive. And who doesn’t want to feel more positive?! To learn more read, Hardwiring Happiness: the New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence, by Rick Hanson, Ph.D.  

Another Way

If you’re not comfortable speaking your appreciation and praise verbally, you can celebrate your dear ones by writing what you love about them in a card. Personalized messages in cards are such a treasure. Every card my son (who’s 30 now) gives me I keep and use as bookmarks. I read and reread his messages that confirm to me I am a success at mothering and make me feel so close to him. In one he says, “Many times I find myself reframing my perspective to look at life the way you do. You are the most dedicated mom. Dedicated to my happiness, success and love of life. May we spend lots of time loving our life and relationship.” His words are pure gold to me.

Why not celebrate your dear ones by expressing what you love appreciate and value in them verbally, in writing, or both ways! You will bring them joy and greatly endear your relationship.

Gail’s book makes a perfect gift for someone wanting more positivity in their life. It’s also a great summer read! She is a life coach. Visit her website uppcoach.com to learn more and contact her.