Political Conversations and Friendship

When Ruth Bader Ginsburg suddenly died last week, I was heartbroken over the sad loss for our country. Ruth was the Supreme Court Justice who championed equal rights for women. And because of her women cannot be barred from any job they are qualified for on the basis of their gender. Huge! One of her dying hopes was that they would not replace her till the next president was elected.

But, immediately after she died, efforts were in motion by the present administration to do just that. I was deeply concerned. Being a country of such disparate values and beliefs, and so divided politically, I feel it’s extremely important to have a balance of liberals and conservatives on the Supreme Court to fairly represent our citizens.

With this concern weighing heavy on my heart, I shared a Facebook post I received encouraging my friends to call some crucial senators to block the appointment of a new Justice until the next president is elected. I was impassioned! I also didn’t consider the responses I would receive.

One friend replied, “I didn’t know a nominee was named. Are you jumping the gun? How do you know a fair and just individual wouldn’t be named? Is it because she was nominated by Trump?”

I responded explaining my point of view. And she replied again.

Uh,oh, I thought. I could feel cactus and rose thorns pricking the skin of our friendship.  She obviously felt just as strongly as I did about the issue. Pressing my pause button, some quick self-talk kicked in. Gail, DO NOT RESPOND. THIS DEBATE IS HEADING DOWNHILL FAST!  There’s one thing I know: there is no convincing or winning in a political conversation. So I gave myself a breather. I stepped away from the Facebook post.

What’s Most Important Here?

Throughout the day, on and off, images of my friend floated to the surface of my mind. What’s most important here?  I thought about our friendship. We’ve been friends for nearly twenty years. We’ve celebrated major life events together, had many heart-to-heart talks, and she’d even given me helpful feedback on my blog and how to expand my social media presence. Definitely. Her friendship was much more important than our political differences.

I went to bed pondering what to do next. If I just didn’t respond, it would leave each of us with a bad taste in our mouth. An awkwardness might linger. A phone call could get messy either avoiding the topic or opening it up again. A Facebook response was out.

I would just simply let her know how much I valued her.

I texted her bright and early: I value your friendship too much to get into political conversations.

She responded: Me too. Love you!!!

I felt light – like dancing!

Mindful Speech

I discovered my thought process has a name; mindful speech. Jack Kornfield, a leader of Buddhist mindfulness practices in the West (and a frequent inspiration to me) says:

“In mindful speaking we become aware of what is happening in us and how it affects others. ”

The key steps of mindful speaking are;

• Pause—when it feels what you are saying is feeling off or may have a negative impact

•   Consider—what might be the outcome of what I am about to

•   Ask Self—what is my deepest intention? What do I most hope these words might accomplish?

  I am so happy I was mindful in stopping our political wrangle. Can you relate? At this time in our nation, when we all have such strong and polarized political views, its so important to remember:

We will not change the views of people who have different political perspectives and priorites than us.

Why not consider the value of your relationship and let that guide your choices and speech in political conversations.

Wishing you well!

If you like what you read here, check out my award-winning book available on Amazon that can help you have more fulfilling connections with everyone in your life:

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good

An Important Reason To Apologize

“Because we’re all imperfect human beings, prone to error and defensiveness, the challenge of offering a heartfelt apology is with us until our very last breath. ”

— Harriet Lerner

I’ve been listening to a new podcast as I do my daily 30-minute walk. It’s Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, and every episode is a three minute shot in the arm of inspiration to improve your relationships. Of all their good ideas, the one that rose to the surface for me was on taking responsibility in conflicts. Apologies are dear to my heart because they make me think of my son, Theo, who has helped me to become a sincere and authentic apologizer. What’s the big deal, you might ask.

It’s a very big deal. Working through conflicts and hurt feelings is one of the hardest parts of being in relationships. Yet doing so, is what makes our relationships open-hearted, safe, home bases for us to live and thrive in.

The Conflict

My boy is now 29, has his own condo, but still has quite a bit of “stuff” at our home. The “stuff” that led to a recent conflict. He had stopped over for a ten-minute drumming session in our basement. When he emerged from downstairs I said,

“Thee, you have that extra drum set all over the basement floor. When are you going to do something about it? And don’t forget you have all the clothes you’ve left here to go through.”

“Mom!!! You’re such an overreactor! I told you it’s only going to be there a week at most. And you ALWAYS bombard me with too many things at once! I’ll get to them!”

“I DON’T APPRECIATE you speaking to me in that tone of voice.”

“OK, Mom. Gotta go. Talk to you later,” he kissed my cheek and out the door he went.

Taking Responsibility

After he left, I thought about my part in our clash. I reflected: I know it frazzles him when I ask him to do more than one thing at a time, you’ve got to stop that!  And since I only see him once a week, I want our time together to be relaxed and warm. Ask him when would work for him to get the drums. Discuss the clothes another time.

As I said, apologies are dear to my heart thanks to Theo. A couple of hours later he called. “Mom, I’m sorry I spoke to you like I did and called you an overreactor. I’ve been stressed lately with work and I came over to let loose with my drums. I will get the extra drums out by Friday. I just need you to not overwhelm me with too many requests at once. Who’s the cutest mom?”

See what I mean. The beauty of my boy is he takes responsibility for his behavior, asks for what he needs, and reaffirms our loving bond. It makes it easier for me to do the same.

“Thee, I apologize for bombarding you with both requests. When I have your attention at home I just want to get as much done as possible. I know it sets you off and I am going to work on that. What I need from you is that you talk to me more respectfully. I love you bubby. I so appreciate this call. How lucky I am to have a son that owns his behavior and cares enough to talk things out.”

My example is a mild one but illustrates my message. We each have our needs, wants and stresses, and being human we all mess up and can be insensitive and hurtful. Rarely is a conflict just one person’s responsibility.  If we keep the dearness of our relationship at the center of our thoughts and feelings, and are willing to own our part, we can work through conflicts and deepen our relationships with loved ones.

Your Takeaways

Communication expert, Harriet Lerner, in her recent book, Why Won’t You Apologize, spells out three fundamentals of a good apology:

1.      Take clear and specific responsibility for what you have said or done without blaming the other.

2.      Listen carefully without interrupting and saying things that make the hurt party feel unheard or cut short.

3.      Do your best to ensure you don’t repeat the behavior that offended the other person.

4.      (My addition) If you feel better, affirm the other person, you’re actually affirming the value of their relationship in your life!

The deeper the hurt, the harder it can be to be open to an apology. If accepting an apology is hard for you, acknowledge that. Give yourself time, but melt those bars around your heart.

Giving an apology is not weakness or blaming ourselves, but caring about our relationship more than being right.

Why not take your share of responsibility in conflicts  starting today!

My award-winning, paperback book is available at Amazon for $14.99 and the ebook for $7.99. If you haven’t already read it, it can help you connect with more love, acceptance and joy to yourself and all others.

I’m Confrontational – Are you?

It’s a beauuuutiful sunny day, in the mid 80’s, and I want to get outside and actively soak it up. Gus is comfortably stretched out on our worn, tan, leather couch watching CBS Sunday Morning when I pop the question.

“Want to go kayaking?”

I know Gus would mulch the entire yard in the blazing sun before he’d choose to go kayaking. “Is that a question? The answer is no.”

“Come on, it’s too nice out to watch TV. And our kayaks are gathering dust in the garage.”

Within 40 min we were on Mercer County Lake. That’s how Gus is. His no can quickly become a yes.

Slathered in sunscreen, equipped with caps, sunglasses, and life vests, we leisurely paddled enjoying the peaceful beauty.

“See those boats over there,” Gus said pointing to the line of small open vessels with high seats perched atop. “Those are coast guard boats.”

“How do you know?”

“Cause they look like a coast guard boat, and they’re gas powered.”

“Well, they’re anchored at the dock in front of the crew team’s boathouse. I’ve been on the lake when crew teams are practicing. A coach with a bullhorn directs them from these boats! (‘Hah!’)

“OK, maybe you’re right.”

We paddled on to a section of lake where spiky green cattails were all vying for a front seat by the water.

“That’s a sensitive wildlife area over there,” Gus said like the naturalist he’s not. I know nature’s a subject he’s not particularly interested in.

“How do you know?”

“Because there’s a sign in those weeds saying “Sensitive Wildlife Area.”

“I believe you now,” I said acquiescing to his win.

A Not so Pretty Realization

Win? What was I doing? Here my husband agreed to do something I love that he hates, and I was sparring with him. Sparring.

My self observations weren’t looking pretty.

The book I’m reading, Atomic Habits popped right into my head. My identity is rooted in all my good habits, but continuously calling Gus out on his statements was clearly a bad habit.

My husband is so tolerant of me, it made me sad to recognize how intolerant I can be of him. Thank God for honest self-reflection. Gus deserves better from me. I tucked my realization away to reflect on later.

I get excited when I recognize areas I need to grow in. We are all such a work in progress. I’m imperfect, Gus is imperfect, you and your loved ones are imperfect. The beauty of self-reflection is it gives us a chance to make things better. To live better.

A Plan for Being Better

Thank you dear reader for being there to read my blog. It’s because I wanted to share my realization with you, that I thought deeper on how I can change my way of communicating with my husband.  So I asked myself, how do I want to be with, Gus?

My answer was immediate: I want to be supportive, loving, kind, goofy (that’s me) and share happy moments. I want to create a flow of good energy in our relationship.

How can I do that? I pondered.

I can find a new way to respond when he talks like an authority.

I can say:

• Tell me more about that. Or

• That’s interesting, and acknowledge his thoughts. (I’m remembering Auggie’s teacher’s sage advice in the book Wonder, ‘If you have to choose between being right and kind, choose kind.’ That line always makes my heart swell. Now to live it!)

So I ask you, who do you have a bad habit with that you want to change?

Try These Takeaways

• Become the observer of your words and actions with this person.

• Identify what triggers you.

• Identify how you react.

• Ask yourself, how would I like to be in this relationship?

• Choose another way to respond and commit to doing that.

I’ll let you know how I do in the next blog, and please let me know how you do, too!

End note: When I decided to write a blog about this experience, I talked to Gus about it at a relaxed time over dinner.

“I notice I spar with you whenever you make statements of fact that are not your area of knowledge. How do you feel when I do that?”

“Undermined.”

“But you don’t respond defensively?”

“Why would I? It’s just part of you to be confrontational. (Confrontational? Me. Ewww. True. ) I’d be shocked if you weren’t,” he said good-naturedly with a twinkle in his eye. “95% of what we know we can’t document because we absorb so much from TV, news and life.”

I hadn’t considered that. Very enlightening.

If you like what you read here, check out my award-winning book available on Amazon that can help you have more fulfilling connections with everyone in your life:

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good

Available on Amazon