4 Tips to Make Peace with Drive-Yourself-Crazy Perfectionism

My friend Naomi and I were doing our weekly walk on River Rd in Titusville. As we often do, we were reflecting on our lives and learning. Till she said something that stopped me in my sneakers. 

“And I don’t have to be perfect!”

“Woah! I love that!” Her honest, vulnerable owning of how her perfectionism had impacted her relationships and her life, had me thinking for days. Oh, how my perfectionist-self has caused me and my loved ones such unnecessary suffering! Our conversation gave me pause to look deeper at the many faces of perfectionism in my life, its cost, its gifts (as surprising as that sounds) and the opportunity…to grow.

First, the Gift of Perfectionism

Being a perfectionist may be what you or a loved one has needed to do to survive or gain acceptance as a child. It also may help you to reach high levels of accomplishment in your work or pursuing your creative passions.

In my home, I grew up with a bipolar mom and a perfectionist dad. Because of my mother’s illness, she didn’t give much attention to details in anything she did, nor did she teach me the skills other moms taught their girls. This led me to look for “the right way” to do things outside of my home. I became resourceful and receptive at finding learning all around me. The downside though was that I believed there was a “right way,” to do things (which my adult self knows is totally false.) I was constantly comparing myself to others and coming up short.

My dad on the other hand corrected my grammar until he was in his late 80’s. Talk about opposites!  Yet his expectations that I communicate well inspired me to love writing and to have the deep fulfillment of writing my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good. And though personal growth books weren’t something he’d read, I’m sure he’s smiling down on me from Heaven.

While perfectionism can spur us on to work up to our highest potential, it can come at great cost.

The Cost of Perfectionism

The definition from psychology tells a lot: A perfectionist is someone who strives for flawlessness and sets excessively high standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concern regarding others’ evaluations of oneself. To a perfectionist, anything that’s less than perfect is unacceptable.

Does that sound anything like you or someone you love or work with? I confess, it is so me.

The cost of perfection as you can see from the definition, and probably know in your gut as I do, is it can guide us to set ridiculously unrealistic expectations of ourselves. Ooh, the countless times I’ve been hard on myself—brutally critical, for not having mastered something new…yesterday. Or for making a mistake…or saying something that may have hurt someone’s feelings…or not being as good as someone else, or not anticipating something I should have…Those are my perfectionist triggers (at least the ones I’m aware of). How about you? What are your triggers that unleash a tirade of self-criticism for not measuring up?

When I was writing my book, I came across some research that has had a profound impact on my awareness of the damage my perfectionist-self causes. And even better it’s given me a healing tool, I hope will help you, too.

Dr. Kristin Neff in her book, Self-Compassion, says it’s human to make mistakes and be imperfect. It’s not just us, but everyone who is imperfect. Because we’re human. What freedom that’s given me!

“It is a beautiful experience being with ourselves at a level of complete acceptance. When that begins to happen, when you give up resistance and needing to be perfect, a peace will come over you as you have never known. ”

— Ruth Fishel

Since then, I’ve become a detective in search of noticing when I get down on myself for unrealistic expectations and reframing my response with more acceptance. If I forget something, (isn’t that awful) I will hear myself say in a judgy voice, “Gail, uh, you made a mistake! Why didn’t you think of that?” “Mistake” became a signal word for me to replace what I was saying with kindness and acceptance. “It’s OK Gail. You’re human. Next time you’ll do better.”

Your 4 Takeaway Tips

1.     Eliminate the word “perfect” from your vocabulary! Just using the word keeps us hooked to the unrealistically achievable. While you’re at it eliminate “should,” too. “Should” is not a choice but can feel like an expectation of what a perfect person would do.

2.     Strive to be human instead of perfect. Embrace your fallible humanity with kindness and self-compassion.  Try saying, “It’s OK, you’re human. You’ll do better next time.”

3.     Become a detective of your own perfectionism. Discover your trigger experiences that lead you to be self-critical and have unrealistic expectations. Then reframe those statements with kindness and acceptance.

4.     Be a good enoughist as my friend Jamie wisely suggested in her book, Less Stress Life. When it’s not important that something be just so, accept it as good enough!

I love coaching people on embracing their humanity and being kinder to themselves. Contact me at gail@uppcoach.com for a free one-hour session to explore some new possibilities to be kinder to yourself. And go to my website www.uppcoach.com to learn more and read reviews about my coaching. Wishing you greater ease and self-acceptance!

I love nothing more than speaking to groups about how to develop a positive mindset; ways to improve their relationships and connections at home or work; and how to create a balanced life you love. You can contact me for more information about talks and workshops at gail@theaffirmingway.com.

Unleash Your Positive Possibilities in 2022: Where it Starts

I am sitting in Barnes and Noble at a small, round table by the Starbucks. With pen in hand, and a decaf latte and maple scone to satisfy me, I write a letter to myself in my journal. It’s a reflection of how I’ve done in this past year of my life. I just let it flow, whatever comes to mind goes down on the page. I ask myself questions like:

·       What am I proud of accomplishing or for just being me?

·       What do I want to celebrate about me?

·       What good things have happened?

·       What has challenged me?

·       What ways have I grown or changed that please me? (Even a little, beginnings count for lots)

·       What has delighted me and brought me or others joy?

·       What do I want to work on in my next year?

You get the picture. We are the manager of our lives. Just like companies take stock of their progress in a year to set meaningful goals for the next, we too can take stock to consciously direct our lives. And it begins with reflection.

You don’t have to write it on paper if that doesn’t feel comfortable to you. Reflect on some of these questions as you’re driving to work, showering, or exercising. I don’t actually reflect on each individual question, but a combo of the ones that speak to me. This year I celebrated my growth in its small, subtle ways and the positive actions I took to care for myself on mental, emotional, spiritual and physical levels.

Just to give you an idea of some of the areas I discovered in this process: After training as a coach, I’m a much better listener, not interjecting stories about me, and not telling others how to solve their problems; Less judgment of others, less judgment of myself; I feel shame when I’m a novice in a group of more skilled others (that goes!), I’ve become a supportive mother-in-law and mother by trusting the kids know what they want and not interjecting my unasked for opinions. Yay me!!!

This process is deeply gratifying. We all have our negative self-talk voice that can undermine all the good we do and the ways we are growing. By reflecting, we get to see all the good we’ve done and ways we’ve grown that we may not have consciously noticed. Which leads to…

Envisioning: A First Step in Making Dreams a Reality

“Whatever your mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.”

— Napoleon Hill

The beauty of reflecting on where we’ve been in the past year is it helps us choose where we want to go in the next. Whenever its someone’s birthday I say, “Wishing you your best year yet!” Isn’t that what we want for 2022?

So many of us set goals for the new year that we know we won’t follow through on. “I’m going to lose 10 pounds. I’m going to exercise every day. I’m going to be more positive.”

I’m a great fan of goals, I’m one of those goal-oriented people. And I know accomplishing goals involves focus, breaking the goal down into steps and a structure, and then developing routines and tracking our efforts to build the new behavior into our life. Whew! That takes a lot of energy and focus! Not all of us have the time or free mental space to do that (like now when we have Omicron to contend with.)

But here’s something heartening I’ve noticed—just by voicing our dream or goal to ourselves on paper or even while driving in the car, or to a trusted other person, the process of making our dreams a reality begins.

Around New Year’s I reflect on how I want to grow or move forward in my life at this new starting point. It’s really helpful that I took the time to reflect on my struggles and accomplishments in this present year. It’s like reading up on your next vacation spot. You have lots of info about the area of YOU to decide what you want to do and enjoy in your new year’s travels of living your best life.

As I said earlier, I’m a journal girl. So I make set down my dreams in the pages of my journal. And when I look back on my goals for 2021 it amazes me how many of them became my reality, even when I didn’t work consciously at the goal process!

Here’s why. “The thoughts we think literally become the “things” and events of our life,” Michael Dooley says in his inspiring book, Infinite Possibilities. He goes on to say, “It’s your imagination, beliefs, and expectations that draw you into the action, circumstances, and coincidences that make dream manifestation inevitable.”

So I say to you, give voice in writing or speaking to your dreams and goals for 2022, as an important first step in bringing forward your dearest wants and hopes in the new year!

Your Takeaways

1.     Take time to reflect on your highlights and lowlights of 2021. Free flow with the purpose of discovering your growth, what gave you satisfaction and joy, and what you want to work on for 2022.

2.     Several days later (before the end of week one in January) identify goals for various aspects of your life. Writing is a powerful tool for imprinting your dreams on your conscious and higher mind.

And know I am available as a life coach to help you gain clarity, overcome blocks and unleash your positive possibilities in 2022! Contact me for a free 30 minute introductory session at gail@uppcoach.com. Check out my website: https://www.uppcoach.com/

Thanks for being a loyal reader. Wishing you a very healthy and fabulous 2022!

The Affirming Way of Life can help you start your new year with a positive mindset to accomplish all you dream of! Available at Amazon.

A Pleasure Routine for 2021

While walking with a friend on the Spring Lake boardwalk, she described the most delightful routine. She said every day in the late afternoon, she crawls into bed and spends an hour reading, listening to podcasts, or doing crossword puzzles.

“That is so cozy and self-nuturing,” I effused. “You have a pleasure routine.”

“I love that Gail! There’s a blog topic you can support others with.

The reason I was so excited by a pleasure routine is that I have become a workaholic! It’s a strange thing for a retired person to say, but I hear myself frequently saying, “I’m working on… or I have to get back to work…. Crazy! I am a lover of routines, and my work routine takes up a big chunk of my day. Maybe a little too big.

Routines as an Anchor

Routines give us a sense of order and well-being. They anchor us in ourselves. I begin my day stretching and meditating followed by a walk. Self-care routines create a feeling of peace and well-being. They can even boost our confidence because we are making good choices. Doing well, as my dad would say. 

Then it’s to my writing room I go to do the work I’ve chosen to do, as a retired person. I can sit at my computer from nearly 10-5 doing my new work—writing this blog, coaching, studying writing and coaching, preparing talks, and marketing (my least favorite and biggest learning curve area.) Working on my new careers/hobbies gives my life purpose and meaning.

For 42 years as an educator, I focused on helping students discover their talents, confidence, and a passion for learning. I loved my days with the kids and the honor of making a positive difference in their lives. And now I get to follow my new passion helping adults create deeper fulfillment in every area of their life. The problem is during these pandemic times I’m just working too much!

The definition of work: activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.

That’s me! I am driven to be productive toward my purpose—all day. I love what I do, but my conversation with my friend signaled to me I am craving a little more down time.

Can you relate? Do you find yourself focused on things that are work to you and don’t indulge often enough in simple things that give you pleasure?

A Pleasure Routine is Like Being on Vacation

my friend, I love reading. I read in dribs and drabs throughout my day—the news on my ipad at breakfast, a personal growth book during lunch, a novel before bed. But it’s short bursts 15 minutes at a shot.

The only time I indulge in escaping pleasurably into a book is on vacation with my sister Lois, at her lake house. We are island-bound without a boat. We spend all afternoon sitting in green Adirondack chairs on her narrow, weathered dock reading, chatting, cooling off in the refreshing water, and reading some more. It feels as relaxing as a day at the spa.

That’s the kind of pleasure routine I’d like to create—a time allotted not to do what’s good for me, not to work on my mission, not to be productive—just to do something for the pure pleasure of it.

Choosing a Pleasure Routine

Thinking of a pleasure routine as a vacation-state-of-mind, I think immediately of two things I’d love to do—dance and extended reading (as you already know.) Dancing gets me in a rhythmic flow and the music lifts my spirits. (It also transports me to my high school dancing-queen self.) Reading for extended time will allow me to escape into another world. Because I’m so cerebral, my pleasure routine will get me out of my thoughts and well, be a pleasure!

I’m committing to indulge in my pleasures four days a week, Monday thru Thursday from 4:00-5:00 PM. Ten minutes dancing, 40-50 minutes reading.

How about you? What would you like to indulge in a number of times a week for pure relaxation and pleasure? Is there something you love to do but can’t seem to find time for? Even 10-15 minutes of time to do something that takes you out of your mind and responsibilities can give you pleasure. We’re worth it, aren’t we?

It’s About Balance

Creating a balanced life of care—for our health and well-being, our home and loved ones, our friendships, and work that gives our life meaning and purpose, brings tremendous peace and empowerment. We don’t always have the luxury to balance our life especially now during the pandemic.

But as you prioritize the use of your time I hope you’ll consider creating a pleasure routine to take better care of you!

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good is available at Amazon. May it support you in living your best most fulfilling life!