Self-Observation: A Gift and Friend

I stood staring at the efforts of my husband in awe. Finally after living in our home for seventeen years he has renovated our eye-sore of a laundry room. It looks magnificent. The faded beige walls with metal anchors still in the wall from previous owners, are now spackled and a cheery yellow. The rusted white shelves sprawling with our laundry room chachkas are now organized white cabinets. The splotched plastic sink is now a vanity. I feel so fulfilled seeing my laundry room’s transformation. But here’s what follows my pleasure thoughts. Why did it take us so long to do this!

Then my thoughts go to this. My niece and her husband moved into an exceptional house in move-in condition and immediately took actions to make it theirs. We are such slow movers on projects.

Ooh! I hate seeing my old habit resurfacing—comparing myself to others. As much as I’m better at setting my own standard, comparing still shows up.

Maybe I should be happy about it.

The Gift of Self-Observation

In my last blog I observed myself sparring with my husband, Gus. By reflecting on my observation I decided not to challenge his statements in an accusatory way. I’m only beginning to change my habit, but here’s how I know I’m making progress: he made a statement last night and then asked, “How come you didn’t say, ‘How do you know that?’ Proud of myself!  

Self-observation is such a powerful tool. It means admitting you are a work in progress. Aren’t we all? I feel as long as I’m alive it’s an opportunity to grow in insights, inner peace, and opening my heart to love fully.

Self-observation is detective work. We notice something we think, say or do and check how it makes us feel. If we feel shame or unhappy with the thought (in my comparing case), it’s an opportunity to make a change—a change founded on kindness.

Working With Your Insights

How human it is to be flawed, to have areas to improve in. Rather than feel bad about ourselves when we notice a habit or behavior we don’t like, an empowered way to handle it is to praise our self for recognizing it. Then look for what you want to and can do with it.

• Self-praise for recognizing my not-so-positive habit . I’m proud of you for catching the comparing! Comparing isn’t all bad. We live in a world amongst others to learn from each other. When you notice others behaviors it can inspire you. If it makes you feel bad, you have the power to catch yourself and STOP.

• What do I want to do with my recognition that Gus and I are slow movers? Accept it. We may be slow movers but we do eventually get things done. And we both possess so many other wonderful traits. Better.

• What can I do from here on out with my comparing habit? Be playful! I know it’s part of me. When I see it next, I think I‘ll greet it like a phone call that I don’t want to take. Oh, it’s you again. Sorry can’t talk.

We are so lucky as humans that we have the ability to be self-aware and that there are so many tools to help us change the way we respond to ourselves. Why not become an action-taking, self-observer!

My award-winning, paperback book is available at Amazon for $14.99 and the ebook for $7.99. If you haven’t already read it, it can help you connect with more love, acceptance and joy to yourself and all others.

I’m Confrontational – Are you?

It’s a beauuuutiful sunny day, in the mid 80’s, and I want to get outside and actively soak it up. Gus is comfortably stretched out on our worn, tan, leather couch watching CBS Sunday Morning when I pop the question.

“Want to go kayaking?”

I know Gus would mulch the entire yard in the blazing sun before he’d choose to go kayaking. “Is that a question? The answer is no.”

“Come on, it’s too nice out to watch TV. And our kayaks are gathering dust in the garage.”

Within 40 min we were on Mercer County Lake. That’s how Gus is. His no can quickly become a yes.

Slathered in sunscreen, equipped with caps, sunglasses, and life vests, we leisurely paddled enjoying the peaceful beauty.

“See those boats over there,” Gus said pointing to the line of small open vessels with high seats perched atop. “Those are coast guard boats.”

“How do you know?”

“Cause they look like a coast guard boat, and they’re gas powered.”

“Well, they’re anchored at the dock in front of the crew team’s boathouse. I’ve been on the lake when crew teams are practicing. A coach with a bullhorn directs them from these boats! (‘Hah!’)

“OK, maybe you’re right.”

We paddled on to a section of lake where spiky green cattails were all vying for a front seat by the water.

“That’s a sensitive wildlife area over there,” Gus said like the naturalist he’s not. I know nature’s a subject he’s not particularly interested in.

“How do you know?”

“Because there’s a sign in those weeds saying “Sensitive Wildlife Area.”

“I believe you now,” I said acquiescing to his win.

A Not so Pretty Realization

Win? What was I doing? Here my husband agreed to do something I love that he hates, and I was sparring with him. Sparring.

My self observations weren’t looking pretty.

The book I’m reading, Atomic Habits popped right into my head. My identity is rooted in all my good habits, but continuously calling Gus out on his statements was clearly a bad habit.

My husband is so tolerant of me, it made me sad to recognize how intolerant I can be of him. Thank God for honest self-reflection. Gus deserves better from me. I tucked my realization away to reflect on later.

I get excited when I recognize areas I need to grow in. We are all such a work in progress. I’m imperfect, Gus is imperfect, you and your loved ones are imperfect. The beauty of self-reflection is it gives us a chance to make things better. To live better.

A Plan for Being Better

Thank you dear reader for being there to read my blog. It’s because I wanted to share my realization with you, that I thought deeper on how I can change my way of communicating with my husband.  So I asked myself, how do I want to be with, Gus?

My answer was immediate: I want to be supportive, loving, kind, goofy (that’s me) and share happy moments. I want to create a flow of good energy in our relationship.

How can I do that? I pondered.

I can find a new way to respond when he talks like an authority.

I can say:

• Tell me more about that. Or

• That’s interesting, and acknowledge his thoughts. (I’m remembering Auggie’s teacher’s sage advice in the book Wonder, ‘If you have to choose between being right and kind, choose kind.’ That line always makes my heart swell. Now to live it!)

So I ask you, who do you have a bad habit with that you want to change?

Try These Takeaways

• Become the observer of your words and actions with this person.

• Identify what triggers you.

• Identify how you react.

• Ask yourself, how would I like to be in this relationship?

• Choose another way to respond and commit to doing that.

I’ll let you know how I do in the next blog, and please let me know how you do, too!

End note: When I decided to write a blog about this experience, I talked to Gus about it at a relaxed time over dinner.

“I notice I spar with you whenever you make statements of fact that are not your area of knowledge. How do you feel when I do that?”

“Undermined.”

“But you don’t respond defensively?”

“Why would I? It’s just part of you to be confrontational. (Confrontational? Me. Ewww. True. ) I’d be shocked if you weren’t,” he said good-naturedly with a twinkle in his eye. “95% of what we know we can’t document because we absorb so much from TV, news and life.”

I hadn’t considered that. Very enlightening.

If you like what you read here, check out my award-winning book available on Amazon that can help you have more fulfilling connections with everyone in your life:

The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good

Available on Amazon

Ever Ponder Writing a Book? Some Inspiration

Before I wrote my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, it was an unfulfilled dream for over twenty years. Do you ever imagine your story in writing? Maybe I can inspire you. Recently I was interviewed by Tracey Hall for the monthly author column in her online publication Jersey Shore Scene. If I can write a book, I assure you, you can too! Read on to learn more.

When and how did you start writing?

Writing has always been for me a place where I can get my feelings and thoughts on the page to make sense of my life. I’ve been a journal writer since I was in fifth grade, and I still have that diary!  I also am a passionate reader. Books, particularly self-help books, have helped me make sense of the struggles and yearnings I’ve expressed on the page, so it seems natural I would want to write a self-help book to help others with the insights I’ve gleaned. I never had formal training in writing, (my career was as an elementary school teacher), so when the topic of my book, The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good, came to me, I found a writing coach to help me structure my ideas. I also eventually joined a writing group. The coaching and feedback from other writers over time enabled me to call myself a writer.

What do you like to write about most?

I write in the self-help, personal-growth genre. I am fascinated with how our perceptions of others and the words we speak to them shape our relationships. As a teacher and mother, I knew that the words I used to describe a child would be how they saw themselves. I also observed that sharing with loved ones, friends and even strangers, the good I admired or appreciated in them infused my relationships with warmth and closeness that kindles deep bonds. I wrote about this in my book and continue to write about this in my blog at theaffirmingway.com. It’s my mission to open others hearts and minds to see the best and speak the best to spread the good. 

What do you find to be the easiest and hardest thing about writing?

Getting started is by far the hardest part of writing. I usually brainstorm my ideas first, which is fairly easy, but getting that opening sentence and first paragraph can feel like torture. Once I have it though, the rest begins to flow. The easiest part of writing for me is revising. I have all the ideas for the piece or chapter on paper at that point. Revising is working with my material to make it flow in words, in ideas, in the structure. I actually love the revising. Crafting my writing makes me feel like an artist. The truth though is there is no end to revising to make my writing better. I have to be able to say—good enough!

What writers do you most admire and why? 

When I was writing my book, I made a study of what drew me in to author’s writings. Though I have never attempted fiction writing, I love reading it. I have read nearly every novel by Alice Hoffman. Her use of language and magical realism makes me swoon with pleasure. As I said, I’m also an avid self-help book reader. Brene Brown has been a model to me in that genre. She is so open in the way she talks about herself and her relationships to exemplify her message. I feel her presence as I read her work. I try to do the same thing in my writing. 

How do you get your ideas for stories and what’s in the future for you in writing?

I get ideas reflecting on my life and listening closely to the stories others tell me about their feelings, struggles and relationship issues. I am inspired by life in general—books, news, movies, podcasts, dreams. I look and listen through the lens of connections and relationships and the impact of the words with speak. Because of my mission to help others create more loving fulfilling relationships through the affirming approach to life, I write my biweekly blog with tips on living from the heart, especially with the challenges we all face now.

Can you share a memorable experience you’ve had purely because you are a writer?

Hearing how my book has touched other’s lives means the world to me. I received a letter from a former colleague that I hadn’t seen in over twenty years. I was so surprised and delighted he’d read my book. He said he’d had a very difficult year and that, “I’ve renewed my dedication to being a rainbow in both my own and other’s clouds. Your words encouraged me to forgive and push myself towards recovery as well as improve my relationship with my wife.” To open other’s hearts to the gift their words can be to themselves and others is my joy.  

(And a little plug from the interview I decided to keep in case you know anyone interested in learning more about the affirming way.) Gail’s book is available at Amazon in paperback for $14.99 and ebook for $7.99. Click on this link (The Affirming Way of Life: See the Good, Speak the Good, Spread the Good) to purchase her book. Gail is also available for talks on myriad topics related to relationships with our selves and all the people in our life. You can reach her at gail@theaffirmingway.com.